New Ink and New Year

While ttc'ing, I felt it was prudent to put off doing new things. Oh sure, I would go on vacations and what not but never made a "big life" decision. Yeah, I bought a new car and to be perfectly honest, it is not a "kid friendly" car but always told myself that if MY children destroyed MY car, that I would be ok with it. Trust me, this is going somewhere.

You see, I am one (or was one) class away from finishing my college degree. I never finished for a few reason but the reason I had the most trouble explaining was this: "it's the principle, man." See, once I got mixed up with my ex, I took the classes he took. Honestly, if it weren't for me, that jacka$$ would have never made it out of college. After about of year of business classes (and extreme discouragement from my mother*), I was only taking business courses. Now, don't get me wrong, but I did like the math and economic courses and did good in those classes. But that is not what I wanted to do when I grew up. I even started off my college career taking classes in subject matters that I was interested in and could see myself focusing on when I grew up.

*Really, that is another blog post all together and requires far more energy that I have at this time.

Anyways, I do have a point...I promise. While ttc'ing, I also researched and really considered going back to school. My thoughts always went like this: "if I go back to school now, I will get pregnant." So, I never did it...never went back to school. Four years later and I realized that I am never going to get this time back; I am not going to get any younger. I am going back to school to study what I want to study!!! I did it!!! I made a decision, I actually followed through and I am going back to school right after the new year.

Sure, it will be tough, my time will be stretched thin and I will be tired and poor as hell and I don't mind. I will be studying here, enrolled in the "Phlebotomy, EKG Technician and Lab Assistant" program. Not totally what I want to do when I grow up but close and more importantly, it will get my foot in the door in the medical field. Once there, I can study more lab techniques and possibly get into the EMT field with time.

Now, onto that new ink I mentioned. Despite the fact that I was "only" five weeks along when I miscarried my little Fishstick, it was painful. I think everyday of my baby that wasn't. I get so sad when I think about where I should be in my pregnancy. So, in remembrance of my Fishstick, I got new ink. Without further ado, here is it!

This photo was taken about 5 minutes post tattoo. My tattoo artist Pete, is not only Hungarian, world famous (at least in Europe) but kick a$$ too. Case in point, I showed him a picture that I saved to my crackberry. He glanced at it for about 10 seconds, smoked a cig and then drew out my tattoo. I knew what to expect and what I envisioned but he did much more then I anticipated. This tattoo looks 20x's better then I imagined it looking. (For the record, it still looked nice in my little mind. It's the shading that looks fucking amazing!!) I also had Pete re-pierce my belly since I had to take the ring out for one of my laps. It wasn't fully shut but nonetheless, not the best feeling to have the ring put back.

**I know this is a whale tail and not a fish (or fishstick) but I could not find a tattoo of a fish that I wanted stuck on me. When we were in Alaska, we saw some Humpback's and I felt a sense of peace. I knew, in my heart and soul that I wanted to remember my baby with a whale. I stuck with the whale tail to keep it small and simple. I have my new tattoo on my inside of my left wrist, not really hidden by my watch but in a spot that felt so right.

They Say

Who are "They?" You know the saying, "They say blah blah blah..." My question is, "Who are They?" Gary Larson, creator of the "Far Side" once drew a comic strip showing a room full of people all listening in on people's phone conversations. All the phones were labeled "They." Somehow, it doesn't sound funny when I describe it but if you were to see the comic strip, it would make you chuckle.


"They" say that more people commit suicide around the holidays and I can see why. (Don't worry, I am not falling off the deep end and planning my suicide!) Let's start with the music. Holiday music is great but I can only handle so much before I want to jam an ice pick in my ears.


And the drivers! I was walking through a parking lot to hit up Old Navy. I intentionally parked as far as possible to say my car doors from being dinged and to avoid fighting 10 cars for 1 close up spot. While walking towards the store, I saw one lady speeding through the parking lot. If she hit someone, it would be ugly. Another guy was parking spot stalking* and driving so dang slow. I would have screamed if I was in the car behind him.


Then there is the sales. How do I know if I am getting the best deal? How do I know if this is what I really want to purchase?

And please for the love of Pete Sakes don't get me started on the whole "happy holidays" vs the "Merry Christmas" debate. I won't even touch that one with a ten foot pole!

Up next? My new ink... ;)

* Parking lot stalking: the act of following a person around a parking lot hoping to get their spot in a crowded parking lot. Stalkers look for people walking away from the mall/store with shopping bags. Some stalkers even offer customers rides to their car just to get their spot. I have never done that. Never ever!

And now for something new

I need new. A new what? I don't know, but I am tired of the doom and gloom of my blog. I used to be happy. I want to be happy again...like I used to be.* More then anything, I want to be "me" again. I am not sure what that means since I am living in this limbo of "how do I live childless" and "what if?"**

So, how about something different. First of all, this is hopefully the last time until tax season hits full force that I am going to apologize for my lack of commenting. I read a lot of blogs...I mean a lot. And I read them daily. <--I just love my bad grammar sometimes! I just don't comment. It's not that I have no comment because usually I do. I just get lazy. Not to mention that many a nights I am reading blogs while watching hockey and tend to let the train of thought leave before I can comment. It's like a win-lose situation. There is also of course my embarrassment over my lousy ass grammar considering I graduated from college with honors in English and math. Are you serious?! I can't blog without making at least 10 typos and 100 grammar mistakes. But, back to my commenting. I am going to make an effort to comment more. I love reading so many of the blogs I read and I do feel the need to comment.

Now, how about that something new? Does anyone read this blog? Awesome blog! I actually read all the contributors blogs too and each of them are amazing. I highly recommend adding these blogs to your reading list.

*I used to be happier. I used to have a real zeal for life, even if that life was childless. It's not that I am totally unhappy but I really feel like my life is incomplete.

**Sorry to be cryptic but where there is a will there is a way. That is all I can say for now. More to come for certain (hey at least one something will cum!***) but I need to wait for details.

***Is it possible to be broke down there or use up all your O's? Are you given an allotment at birth and if you use them up in your youth, well too bad, so bad?! Weeps...

I am thankful for many things but

my miscarriage. There is just no way in hell that I will ever be thankful for that event. I can't even believe that I having my first major holiday, complete with face stuffing dinners, without a big pregnant belly. I would be 5 months along for the Thanksgiving holiday and festivities. This is about when I would want to tell Scott's kids that they are getting another sibling.

I would even be thankful if IVF #2 worked. So I wouldn't have the baby bump I so crave to show off but I would be thankful. I would thank the good Lord for my blessings.

I am so thankful for my wonderful family and friends.

Fight for Preemies

I found out about participating in this event from another blogger. I felt compelled to join this cause. I was a preemie; not a micro-preemie but I was a preemie. I have stopped wondering if my being a preemie caused me to be infertile.

But, back to the cause at hand. Too many babies are born too soon. Too many parents suffer, watching and waiting while their new born is in the NICU. Too many parents leave the hospital with out their babies. Some babies are left in the hospital where new parents sit next to an incubator, praying their baby gets to come home. Other's leave the hospital with no baby, only to go home to plan a funeral.

I admit, I don't know what it is like to be pregnant, or give birth to a preemie. I can't fathom what my own mother must have felt as once again one of her babies came to soon. I know that any mother who gives birth to a preemie once dreads doing so again. I know my own mother did not want to leave the hospital while one of her babies was staying behind.

While struggling with infertility for the last four years, I always feared that I too may one day give birth to a preemie. It is a fate, almost a double whammy that I would not wish upon any woman. I know that every mother with a preemie struggles to understand just what went wrong and why their baby was born to soon. I know many preemie mothers curse and damn their bodies for failing their baby.

Today is a day to remember the struggle each preemie baby and family must endure. Keep these babies and families in your thoughts and prayers.

Fight For Preemies // Bloggers Unite

Fight For Preemies // Bloggers Unite

Posted using ShareThis

4 Long Years

4 years ago today, I started trying for a baby.

11 clomid cycles, 1 clomid/fsh cycle, 4 fsh cycles, 5 IUI's, 2 fresh cycle IVF's and 1 FET and all I have to show for it is an early miscarriage. Blah! I am sad that I even have this anniversary. I mean seriously, TTC took a chunk of my heart and piece of my sanity but I would gladly give it up if it meant a baby at the end.

Things you can do in four years:

1. start and complete high school
2. start and complete a bachelors degree in college
3. plant a fruit bearing tree and get fruit from it
4. buy a new car and have it almost paid off
5. meet a wonderful group of ladies that are part of the same elite club that you are a part of too.

I wanted to say thank you once again to the wonderful bloggers who have shown me so much support. Please know that if I know what your blog is, I do read it on a regular basis. I am really bad at commenting but I do read your blogs and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I have decided that I am going to keep blogging. I think with time it will help me deal with all the emotions that comes with living childless. I will still travel and promise to share photos of my travels. I may even have a non-ttc blog post or two. ;)

Beating the Dead Horse

I am angry...God, I am so angry. This was supposed to have a happy ending. Sorry universe, but me not becoming a mommy is not a happy ending in my book. I want to scream. I have this pent up anger and there is just nothing I can do with it. I just can not deal with it.

The four year of trying mark is a week away and I can't even think about that day without a rage coming over me.

These past few weeks, I have be self medicating to numb the pain. Every night, I sit on the couch with a drink in hand and wait for the earth to open up and swallow me whole. Don't lecture me...I come from a family of alcoholics and I am not going to sit here and make excuses for myself. But damn it, the just sucks! I have a feeling that I haven't even dealt with my grief fully and that I have a lot of anger and pain still to come.

I was talking to a friend of mine and he said, "do you ever think there was something deep inside making a barrier to you actually conceiving?" I do admit that I had doubts, lots of doubts but I knew that ultimately, everything would work out in the end. But, what person doesn't have doubts in their mind? I mean, making any major life changing decision is bound to make you have some kind of doubts, right? I likened his question to the "self fulfilling prophesy" belief and all of sudden I am wondering if maybe, just maybe he is right? I mean, what if my fears and doubts are the very reason why I am not pregnant? What if, just what if, I jinxed myself?

Urgh! I hate this. I wish I knew for sure why *I* got the IF card. I mean, beyond the whole "you got bad eggs (as confirmed for me by my RE)," beyond the whole "you waited to long" and my favorite "maybe it is Scott" arguments and really find out who I pissed off in the universe so much so that I ended up being infertile.

I know, I know...poor me. I feel I need to have a pity party. Yes, I feel like this is unfair. As I shake my fist at the universe and stomp my feet, I am tossing myself a pity party; complete with beer and a fine whine.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Bullshit! I know that IF won't kill me but what about a broken heart? I am having a hard time with the fact that holidays are coming up and I will have to pretend again to be happy. I will have to pretend that everything is ok, while crying on the inside. I will have to pretend that I am "over it." Well guess what universe?!?! I am so not over it and I sure as hell won't be over it anytime soon. I am not ready to go out there and pretend. I have had to do it a few times and all the while I was screaming inside. How am I supposed to pretend and deal with this anger? I would not go so far as to say it is an uncontrollable anger but I am quite sure that the longer it simmers, the harder is will be to control.

I feel so alone in my grief. I want to shake people by and beg them to grieve with me. I can feel myself slipping into a deep despair and I just don't know what to do. I am trying to convince myself to get back to the gym, back to dancing, to laughing and that eventual happiness will come. It just seems so far away; so out of my grasp. My anger (and rage) scare me right now. I am afraid I will lash out at the wrong person or say something that I won't be able to take back. I am scared that I will hurt the feelings of someone, loved or otherwise.

Award Time

Thanks Sherry!

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award. List their blog and link to it.

2. Share "10 Honest Things" about yourself.

3. Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.

4. Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

"10 Honest Things About Me:"

1. I am infertile.

2. I have no favorite anything but use the saying "my favorite" all the time. And it annoys me.

3. I have horrible time pronouncing certain words and as a result don't use a lot of words that I know because I can't pronounce them.

4. I sometimes wonder if I was adopted or switched at birth.

5. I have about 90 cousins on my dad's side of the family and can't name most of them. As a matter of fact, I have never even met most of them...and we all live within a few hours of each other.

6. I have a really good memory when it comes time to really odd things. And numbers too.

7. I was an extra in a movie.

8. I am afraid of ghosts and extra terrestrials and all things I perceive as evil.

9. I love to give people gifts and love to watch them rip open the wrapping paper.

10. I miss my grandpa and wish my grandma never had her stroke so I can have my old grandma back.

Ok, I promise that I will come back and nominate some lucky winners.

Florida Vacation

After the craziness of October (and the October 15th tax filing deadline), I was more then ready for a vacation. I knew once AF showed that needed to get away from my life or risk going mad. Luckily, we had planned to take a vacation! Saturday morning could not come soon enough and once we boarded the plane, I could feel tax season tension leaving my body but I couldn't shake the "my IVF failed" tension completely.

We did have a blast in Florida though. We had a nice time share close to Scott's mom's house and used her car for the week. Score! No rental car fees for us.

First tourist stop? Disney World! It was not a great as it seems like it should be but I bet if I were 4 again, Disney World would be awesome. But we still have fun and I got to do things I never got to do on my previous visit to the Magic Kingdom.

Day two and we hit up the Animal Kingdom. Holy Smokes! That place is amazing. To add to my excitement on Day two I got to meet a fellow blogger and IF message board friend Barb! This made my trip. I was really bummed it wasn't a longer visit but I am now certain that more trips to Florida are in my future. Woot!

We spent a day hanging with various friends/ previous co-workers of Scott's and then on Thursday went to the Space Center. It is neat but some of it seems to technical for kids to enjoy. Of course, that is my opinion but I would still recommend going at least once.

Friday we lounged some, went to a great hot dog place in Tampa (clearly there is a story behind this) and went to Hard Rock Cafe inside the Universal Studios. We also noticed a Bob Marley restaurant but did not go inside.

By Saturday morning, I was ready to head home, even if it meant a long plane ride. With stops in North Carolina and Denver, it seemed like we were on the plane forever.

I also came home to a treat: Hungarian Goulash and Spiced Rum and Egg nog. OMG...YUM!!!

Now I am trying to get back into "normal" life. I had a long conversation with my Gyno about my failed cycle and what to do now. For starters, he took me off Metformin with the caveat that I watch my weight, carb/ sugar intake and get retested in 6 months or so to see how my blood sugars are doing. He also talked some about donor embies/ donor eggs. It felt pretty good to talk some but I am not quiet ready for my post IVF consult.

A few people here and there have noticed that I seem off but one day at a time...right?

It's the end of the world as we know it

and I feel fine. No, actually I don't feel fine. I am not even close to feeling fine. I never thought this IVF was going to fail. I don't just mean fail but really tanked. It wasn't supposed to happen like that...this cycle was supposed to work damn it! Now what?!

I have to admit that I am putting on quite the show. I don't think that even once any outsider has noticed that I am truly dying inside. The tears have stopped falling...at least in front of people. I appears to be "over it" and "ready to move on." But inside, right under the surface I feel like I am stuck in a dark place, waiting for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

I am trying to figure out the answer to "what's next?" I know I want a career change in a big way. I know that I will never worry about birth control or having sex at the right time. I am even wondering if I am going to keep track of my period these days. I never kept track before...my body always gave me enough warning. So....what's next?

Over the Top

Sherry nominated me for this and I can't wait to fill it out!

1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers!
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have fun!

Now onto the fun stuff:

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Your hair? ponytail
3. Your mother? home
4. Your father? cars
5. Your favorite food? mexican
6. Your dream last night? angry
7. Your favorite drink? beer
8. Your dream/goal? baby
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? exercise
11. Your fear? electrocution
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? parents
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? fertile
15. Muffins? top
16. Wish list item? fertility
17. Where did you grow up? California
18. Last thing you did? read
19. What are you wearing? sweats
20. Your TV? big
21. Your pets? RIP
22. Friends? loyal
23. Your life? vida
24. Your mood? irritated
25. Missing someone? no
26. Vehicle? honda
27. Something you’re not wearing? watch
28. Your favorite store? Express
29. Your favorite color? black
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? last night
32. Your best friend? rocks
33. One place that I go to over and over? store
34. One person who emails me regularly? family
35. Favorite place to eat? home

I will come back later to nominate some blogger for this fun award.

The call that never came

Right after ER, we were told by my RE that my right ovary had no eggs in any of the nine follies. To say I was devastated would be an understatement at best. I went home and told myself that maybe they were wrong. I waited and waited for a call from my clinic; a call saying guess what? We were wrong and we really did get some eggs from your right ovary. Sadly, that call never came.

Say what?

What?!?!

I had someone recently ask me, "why did you choose to have your embryos transferred instead of implanted?" My response, "I like a good challenge and figured I would do it the hard way." Insert loud sigh and eye roll here please.

For the love of Pete Sakes* people, no man or woman can "implant" an embryo. If that were the case, IVF would have a much higher success rate and no infertile women would try other methods of conceiving a child. You can however have embryos transferred into your uterus and from there God, mother nature or whomever/whatever you believe in will choose. Implant or don't implant.

I wish the media would get their terminology correct. It is stories like the Octo-Mom or the Mom with the wrong embie that make fertility treatments seem like a joke. Ok, maybe not a joke but it is a blow to those of us trying to have a baby by using IVF. I think by sensationalizing how these women were "implanted" with embryos, those us doing IVF are treated like we did something wrong. We did not have our embies implanted, therefore we don't want it as bad as the Octo-mom. And if you have some "educated" (read: know it all) talking to you about your IVF, they don't want to be informed that they have it all wrong. You can't choose the best eggs only, you can't add more drugs after your ER reveals one ovary did not give you any eggs and you don't get the option to do anything special to make sure every embie you do get is perfect. Finally, by questioning if I (or other women doing IVF) have looked into all the options and know "for sure" that I am doing the best that I can do isn't going to change the outcome. You don't walk into IVF blind and no, the Octo-moms doctor is not the right doctor for me. She got lucky, the doctor did not do anything other then over transferring embies into her, to improve her chances for success. And, yes, I am sure that I got my embies and yes, I am sure my eggs were fertilized with Scott's sperm.

I don't believe for one minute that a women chooses IVF over sex for conception intentionally. I will skip the whole "but I want to be a single mom" people here since clearly that is different bird of another feather. Seriously, I don't ever recall waking up one morning and thinking to myself "damn, IVF sounds fun. I will save up my pretty pennies and then fork over $15K for a procedure that has a 35% chance of working for me, because I think IVF is groovy and I want to be part of the cool club." Instead, I hoped and prayed that I too can get pregnant from sex, just like they said happens in high school, and can fore go the painfully expensive, emotional and physically stressful and sometimes painful procedure called IVF. But nooooo, damn my infertile body for refusing to cooperate.

*Yes, I know...I got that saying all wrong. Before you lecture me on my terminology being wrong, let me say I just admitted to having the saying wrong. But, I have been saying it that way for so long now that I am not sure I will ever say it the right way. Besides, "for the love of Pete Sakes" versus "confusion between transferred/ implanted" is not the same.

2 Day Transfer

Transferred in 4 zygotes. I had a 2 celled with 2% fragmention, grade Z3. I have a 3 celled with 5% frag., graded Z2 (doc thinks this is the best). I had 2 four celled both with less then 5% frag. Only one was graded at a Z3. The Z is the grading stands for zygote and all 2 days are graded by my clinic this way. Z1 is the best and he said they see those less then once per month. Most pregnancies for my clinic occur with Z2 and Z3. The ungraded 4 cell I had the egg was slightly misshapen but can still lead to a normal pregnancy and healthy baby. I have about 7% chance of triplets or higher. They did assisted hatching on 2 of the 4 embies.

Boy, that's cut and dry. But that's how I feel right now. My heart just hurts that this is my last chance, my hail Mary if you will.

What I am about to write next is something that I can't even bring myself to say out loud. This may offend some people and for that I am sorry.

This cycle has me completely questioning my faith in God. My God. I am not religious per say but I do believe in God. I do believe that I need to have faith in God. As with every cycle, I prayed. Please God, let this cycle be easy, let me get enough eggs and find that perfect egg that will be my baby. Please God, I am not being greedy and asking for more then one baby. With that said, this cycle started off great. I had (for me) a record high antral follicle count. I stimmed perfectly and my E2 rose as it should. My lining was nice and thick, "triple lining." My follies grew evenly and everything appeared to be in order. Even my RE was expecting at least 10 to 12 eggs from me. Again, a record. I thought my prayers had been answered. Imagine our surprise when he (the RE) comes back into the room post ER and tells me there was not a single egg from my right ovary. This is usually my lazy ovary and surprised us by having 9 follicles. Not one egg came from those 9 follicles. WTF?! My left ovary had 6 follies, which for me is average and produced 6 eggs. I needed those 6 eggs to be perfect. After bursting into tears, I said a small mental prayer (not the first for this cycle). Please God, I prayed, let those 6 eggs be good ones. Let them all fertilize. So, when my RE called me one day post ER, I knew it was bad news. Sure enough, the eggs weren't great. One was totally abnormal. One was misshapen. One was immature and allowed two sperm to fertilize it. More WTF?!?! I was saddened beyond words to hear that I was now scheduled for a 2 day transfer.

Once again, I prayed. Please God, by day 2 let the embies be perfect. I promise to put them all back in me and take my chances if you let them all be perfect. I guess, I should hope that the embies I put back into me are perfect. I don't know. All I know is that my faith is shaken and that scares me more then I can put into words.

Once more, I pray, Please God, let this cycle work. Give me my turn. I just want one healthy baby to raise and love. I don't care if I have a boy or a girl. Please don't shake my faith more then it already is shaken. I just don't know if I can handle that. I just don't know if I can handle another failure. I just don't know that I am willing to make another sacrifice and live child free. I am afraid of who or what I will turn into if this cycle fails. Please God, let me have my chance to be a mommy.

No time for catchy tittles...

"Sometimes people just have to make decisions to distance them from the things that make them hurt so much. I think at least for my sanity, I need to start focusing on something besides ttc/kids or I'll end up in an institution or lose the love of my life, so this is one way that will help me. I need to focus on all the blessings in my life and not the one thing that tortures me so much these days. We all know how hard it is (no matter what we say) to be happy for everyone else having babies when we don't have one ourselves. It really, really, really hurts to no end. I sometimes cry for hours on end and my heart literally hurts."

Not my words but sums up my weekend, my life so perfectly. Now about those blessings...

The Pre-ER fears

As I sit here and type this, I am afraid. I know this is normal and I recall this fear last cycle. I am afraid that I will ovulate before ER. I am afraid that I will go to my appointment tomorrow and I will get bad news. I am afraid of finding out there is a lead follie and the rest stopped growing. I am afraid I won't make it to ER. Of course, once ER is done, I am afraid that my eggs won't fertilize or that we will need ICSI. I am afraid that even the ones that do fertilize won't grow. Most importantly, I am afraid that my IVF won't work. I know that every women undergoing IVF feel this way. I know this is a common fear. I know that I am not alone but I sure do feel that way.

Not I just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Battle!

I seem to be battling something again. It feels like more then allergies but less then a cold...kinda like a sinus issue. All I know is I feel like blah! Blah with a capital B.

I haven't blogged much about this IVF cycle or even created a ticker. I really want this cycle to go by quickly, but I also want to work. I was talking to my chiropractor about this sense of false self-assuredness that I have going right now. I have convinced myself that I am ok if this IVF does not work. Now, I can tell you without a doubt that that is a huge ass lie. Huge! I know that not being a mom won't kill me but the sadness could very well do me in. I also feel really alone this cycle...no one on the boards in cycling with me this time around. The rash of newly pregnant women has me excited and somewhat jealous all at once. I don't feel like I have anyone to share my news with now, especially since I can no long post IVF updates on facebook. I want to be open to people about my infertility struggles but I don't know how to do so. I am not embarrassed nor ashamed of my infertility but the raw emotions that my inability to easily conceive bubble up to the surface every time I try to mention it. Tears start to burn the back of my eyes and I just want to shake me people and tell them what I want them to say to me. I know that I cannot dictate people but I just don't think I can handle one more "just relax" or "if it is meant to be, it will happen." I don't want people to brush it aside, but instead feel the very pain and discomfort that infertility makes me feel. I want people to understand really what it is like to walk a mile (hell, even a half mile) in my shoes. I don't want my feelings to be brushed aside or seen as overly apathetic. Instead, I want to be seen as a women, struggling to be a mom who cries real tears month after month as I await my turn. The four year mark of trying to have a baby is rapidly approaching and damn it when will it finally be my turn?

Deep down, I know that I am scared. I have this fear of falling off the deep end, into a deep, undeniable depression. I am afraid of what may become of me if I fail to conceive. I, ironically have this fear of conceiving a girl baby and passing the shit luck known as infertility down onto her. This burden is not something I want to pass on to my child. I wonder if this fear is keeping me from conceiving but realize that is not likely.

Tomorrow is ultrasound day (gotta love that dildo-cam) and I will have a better idea of what we are working with and what kind of time frames. I am always slightly reassured after each visit knowing a small portion of the battle has been fought.

IVF #2...and we're off

Yesterday was baseline day and it was great. I am thinking acupuncture is doing something because I had a record number of follies: 6 on the right and 9 on the left. That is huge...for me. The plan is to start with large doses of FHS and add HMG to the mix. Should be interesting since I have never done HMG before.

Other then battling a cold and gearing up for the 3rd big deadline of the tax year, nothing new is happening. My house is still in shambles but we are making some progress. I have big dreams of sitting in my house knowing that it is finished.

I did a tax return for a former co-workers daughter. Her daughter is nice and extremely beautiful. This gal (the daughter), well lets just call her Mrs. P and Mr. Ex had some interesting runs ins in the past. I always wondered what transpired between these two. Fast forward to the future and she marries a jack ass who beat the crap out of her. I apparently am the poster child for women who need their taxes prepared after their asshat ex's beat them. She came in to meet with me and I was dying to ask just what really happened between her and Mr. Ex. See, Mrs. P is the apple of her mom's eye and it would kill her mother to know that Mrs. P had an relations what so ever with a man who was not single. Heaven forbid, right?! But we (Mrs. P and I) got to talking and I forgot really just how much I liked her. I figured, the past is the past and I have moved on so rather then bring it up I let it go. I am at peace with that decision but I really wanted to say to her something along the lines of "you really did not do much better with your ex then with mine, did ya?!" So bad...I know. But see, there is more to this story. A while back I posted how my former co-worker thought for sure Mrs. P and her hubby would be popping out babies with no problems. Well, they tried and tried and no luck. After hearing this story, as well as how Mrs. P asshat ex hubby beat her up, I said "maybe it did not happen for a reason."

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

I hate it when people tell me that. I hate with the heat of 10,000,000 suns. And I just said like a fucking insensitive fertile. I don't know if deep down I was trying to hurt her feelings or what. But really, after those words left my mouth, I felt like a huge bitch. Seriously, I felt hurt for her but WAIT...there's more. She totally agreed with me. She acted relieve that I felt that way, as if we could read each others thoughts. I could see this sense of relief, this sense of "oh, she's not judging me by my infertility" wash over her face. I wanted to hug her and hit her all at once. She truly believed that her being unable to conceive did happen for a reason...and that reason is one day her ex would beat her up. Gah!!!

Sometimes it's hard to come up with a title

I have been in quite the funk lately. I know its the hormones, added to the stress of IVF and toss in the "OMG, this is my last shot at becoming a mother" and it all equals funk.

I have been wanting to blog...but did not want sound like a broken record, repeating myself over and over again. I have decided to write a few "reviews" if you will about everyday things in my life.

Lets start with my new workout class, "Get on the Ball." It is a class that utilizes those big balance balls seen at gyms all across the nation. Ever wonder what they are really for or how to use them properly? Well, this class teaches you techniques on using the ball and how to get the best work out. I have attended one class and I can feel the burn...and lots of pain. Not sure I buy the whole "no pain, no gain" theory.

My second (and favorite) work out class is "Turbo Kick." Our instructor makes this class fun. I try to do Turbo at least twice a week. It is mainly cardio, interlaced with lots of interval training.

Here is a product review: Margarita-ville Frozen Concoction Maker. I am not typically a fan of blender drinks but this new kitchen toy can make anyone a fan. You pour in the ingredients, add ice, turn on the switch and within minutes you have the perfect margarita (or daiquiri, slider, ect).

Ok, enough with the reviews. Let's talk about this health care plan. I am all for health care for every citizen and not just shit care but great health care. I feel that as a payer of health care, there should be a free and competitive market for health care. I am not sure that "universal" health care is the fix but I agree that it is so damned expensive. With that said, I would really like someone to explain to me just how much this health care plan is going to cost and who is going to pay for it. Will we, the citizens pay for it through taxes? Will those who currently pay for health care pay more to cover those who can't afford health care? A Revenue committee did a study and found that the taxpayer in the 28% tax bracket could expect their tax bracket to increase to 45% just to cover the cost of the current idea being tossed around. I know that I can not afford a tax increase of 17% and can say that many people can't either. So, if they are not going to raise taxes to pay for the universal health care, then were will that money come from? This worries me more then I would like to worry about it and I am not comfortable with the current answers out there.

Well, that got deep.

Whatever Floats Your Boat

Back from a week long cruise and finally have my land legs back, and now I am on the IVF crazy train.

First things first, the cruise. We (Scott and his family) took a week long cruise to Alaska. While I would not recommend NCL for a cruise, but Alaska is beautiful! We stopped in Skagway, Juneau and Ketchikan. We also stopped in Prince Ruppert, Canada. Nothing too exciting there but it was nice to say that I walked in Canada. Canada, eh?!

I really thought I would have a lot more to say about this cruise but amazingly, I don't. Odd.

I am been in a real funk lately. I know it is directly related to my upcoming IVF. This is my last chance. My last chance of getting pregnant. My last chance to have a child of my own. I won't hold out hope that I can be one of those women who get their miracle after all this time of trying.

Ok, add the IVF funk to the fact that once again my house is a mess and it makes for a grumpy and funky me. I need to get my booty back to the gym and get those endorphins pumping. Then, do a serious shopping trip so I can finish up Scott's birthday shopping. After that, I need to take a can of whip ass out and whip this house clean. Ok, cleaning does not make me feel better but chilling in a clean house sure does. Gosh, I wonder how long it will be before the boys get it that I expect them to clean their bathroom. Maybe I should do it myself and put the rugs back and the rug on top of the toilet seat. Muuuuuhhahahahaha!

BFN

I am not sure how I am holding up. I had a few moments of sadness and threatend tears but no crying yet. I sorta viewed my FET like a IUI. I went into my FET, esp. after finding out that 1 out the 3 survived with caution. I knew it could work but I also kept in m mind that it may not work.

Onto IVF #2. Wow...whoda thunk it?

Sad day for hockey fans

Hockey fans today got the heart breaking news that Jeremy Roenick retired. He will be missed. I would write a long commentary about him but to be honest real tears will flow from my eyes.

Inspiration Award

Sherry at My3Doggies nominated me for this award. First of all, I would like to give a big hug and thank you to Sherry. I believe she is such a wonderful person and feel her blog deserves this award. Every time I read her blog, I smile with her, cry for her and wish I knew her in real life. Sherry, thank you!

I am going to pass this award onto the Infertility Warrior, Barb at Fertility Challanged in Fl. and Dee at I'm Not Ashamed. I am not linking these blogs to respect their privacy. These ladies are wonderful bloggers, wonderful people and great inspirations.

Hee, bet you were all expecting a FET update. I don't have one. ET went fine, transferred one 3day 8 celled embryo. Now in the dreaded 2WW until my beta. I want to know either way since we are going on a cruise a few days after my beta. I don't know how I feel I right now. I alternate between thinking positive, not thinking about it at all to thinking completely negative.

Red Red Wine oh and Now Accepting Applications

Ok, so I am not drinking wine, red or otherwise but listening to the song. Last night Scott and I went to see Booney James and Fourplay in concert. Fourplay was good and I like their music. Booney James was just not my cup of tea. I am sure if you like saxophone and jazz music, Booney James is your man. But me...eh, I can take it or leave it. Mostly, leave it.

That leads me to what I really was planning to blog about. My blogging lately has been about my IVF, then my miscarriage, then my FET. I would like to liven up my blog. I am thinking it's time for a guest blogger. Any takers? Let me know in a comment. No rules other then make it fun (or snarky, venty, whatever!).

Almost sold

This week while at my acupuncture appointment, my acu lady noticed that I am congested. I mentioned the yes, I have allergies and lots of congestion. She put a needle in my hand and explained it was for allergies. Wow! I have had 2 fulls days now where my congestion is almost non-existent. Sweet!

I swear the wait to FET has been a long one. But, in just under a week, my little embies will be back inside me. I am hoping that all 3 survive but I will take what I can get.

Since I am trying to eat lunch, I am just going to post with bullets the random shit that I was going to post. I can skip the nice paragraphs!

• WTF?!? Is hockey season ever going to start?
• WTF?!? Is this year flying by or is it just me?
• Holy smokes...I must start shopping for Scott's birthday gift(s) ASAP!
• Construction boys are back...already I am obsessing over the finger prints.
• I do NOT have OCD...not matter what FB says!
• Nancy's POAS post got me thinking. Will I POAS this time around?
• Maybe I should post a survey on my blog.
• Sweet!!! I am wearing size 6 jeans from Express. I bet I could have bought the 4's...they do stretch.
• I have been feeling like a 2 left footed person lately...can I blame the estrogen?
• Seriously, my Hip Hop Hustle class could be called "Burn those Calories!"
• I need to catch up on my blog commenting and will do so soon...I hope.

Tonight Scott and I are going to a concert. Fun times!

FET Update

Yes! I finally have a FET update. I never thought this day would come. I sat, giddy at my desk yesterday, waiting for today's appointment.

Here's the low down: lining is measuring at 8.5. Dr. P said that is great for where I am at in my cycle. He even smiled today and did the little leg pat he does to reassure his patients. He can be very stoic and seem put off by working with patients but he is a nice guy. He just takes a little while to warm up. I got my labs done and signed my consent form. Now, I have to remember to get Scott to sign it so I can mail it back to the clinic. Sigh!

And we're off

Today I start the estrogen patches. Unlike my fresh IVF cycle, I won't be making tickers for my FET cycle. At least not yet.

Another Safe Haven Gone

As an infertile woman, there aren't a lot of place to go or people to talk to who truly understand the fear, anger and pain of infertility. That is of course until I found safe haven #1.

My little message board was a place filled with all kinds of women, fertile and infertile alike. We bitter infertile had our own little space to vent, cry, complain and be as bitter as we wanted to be. I loved our little space and vented many a times about things that I won't even blog about. Then we found out that lurkers were reading on our safe little board and they didn't not like what they read. They resented our anger and bitterness. Our once private board was opened up and all our so called dirty laundry got aired. Now to be fair the person who was the original lurker loves drama and had been in the center of a few firestorms. So, it was not surprising to me that once again she was fueling a fire. Things were said, the air was clear and our safe little message board is back to normal.

Facebook was safe haven #2 for me. I could post IVF updates and chat with my fellow IF'ers. That is until I started getting friend requests. Not just any friend requests, but friend requests from the group of people with whom Scott and I associate. See, I wouldn't quite call the people is this group a friend. I mean, I surly wouldn't be able to count on them in my time of need; I barely even know them. I made some changes to my profile, removed my blog link and accepted these friend requests. I mean, what's it gonna hurt, right?

But now I feel like I have to sensor myself. I have posted less then usual on my little message board for fear that my bitterness and anger my scare or offend someone. I don't want to post IVF or FET updates on Facebook now. Gaa!

4th of July

Independence day. The day as a little kid I would wait for, knowing that it was halfway (in my little kid mind) to Christmas. Now as an adult, I am sitting here thinking "where did the first half of the year go?!" It seems like the year started with all the gusto that comes with each new year, celebrations that make you feel a little older and then the part of the year that I call "tax season" quickly follows. While I had tax season to occupy my mind, I still anxiously awaited the start of my IVF cycle. This is the first year since Scott and I started dating that we did not take a post tax season vacation. But I digress. My IVF cycle seemed to encompass my life and my mind and before I knew it, I was in the dreaded 2 week waiting.

My dear friend from message board land just got a bfn in her first IVF cycle. I cried tears for her, as if it were me who got the bfn. Having been through 3 and half years of soul crushing, gut wrenching bfns, I know all to well the pain of a bfn. However, after spending your life fortune on IVF, a bfn is much harder to swallow. It seems shocking to me that while we (meaning doctors and science) can do the necessary steps for IVF, it hasn't been perfected. Just proof to me that man really isn't a God...but sure likes to play one. I am not sure what is worse...a bfn at the end of an IVF cycle or losing your baby at the end of and IVF cycle. Personally, I know that I had frozen embies and paid for a FET cycle. For me, it would have been easier for my first IVF to end in a bfn. I was prepared for that. I was not prepared for a miscarriage. No one can prepare for that, even knowing that my numbers were going down and I was going to miscarry, I carried around this hope that it was a mistake. I carried around a hope that my baby was being ornery and that my next beta would show perfectly doubling numbers. But alas, that was a misguided hope that made no sense.

Here is it July and by checking my FET calender on my side bar, I know that I am closer to starting estrogen to prepare my uterus for my embies. I am nervous. What if's are running through my mind. Irrational or not, I can't stop worrying.

Happy 4th of July! Today as America celebrate its Independence Day with bar-b-ques and fire works, I will sit here and hope and pray for my fellow infertile sisters out there. One day too, I hope that I will have a child soo looking forward to the holiday that is the half way mark to Christmas.

Acupuncture and Anger

It's July! Where did time go? It feels like the process of building up to the FET is taking a long time. Everyday, I inject myself with lupron and wonder if it will be July yet. Well, it's July and now I wonder how soon I can start my estrogen patches. 2 weeks at a time...that's how I live my life.

I am back in acupuncture. My first experience with acupuncture was not pleasant. It hurt like a mo-fo and I dreaded going. This time around, it is much easier. I am not sure if it is determination to make this cycle work or if the fact that I am actually seeing a Chinese doctor. She is a very nice, soft spoken lady. I was leery when I saw the shopping center with her office and almost did not walk into it. I mean, I literally turned around and walked back to my car. But, then I remembered that I made an appointment and I get so mad when people make appointments with me but don't show up. So back to her office I went, took a deep breath and walked in. Her office smelled heavenly. We talked for a while then got started. I was very nervous but once she got all the needles in and turned off the lights I began to relax.

Then it hit me. Anger and grief like I never knew before. I felt my eyes burn. OMG! I was going to cry...I mean finally cry over losing my baby. I have been sad, mad, even a little surprised over my miscarriage but never really cried. I would tear up here and there but never let those tears fall. I wanted to scream and hit something. I am so angry. I haven't talked out loud to anyone about this; hell, I find myself comforting people when they ask me about the outcome of my IVF. Why!? Comfort me damn it...I am the one who lost my baby!

I find myself wanting to be alone...just so I can cry. I need to be able to mourn this baby before my FET. More then anything I want to scream. I mean really shout and get this anger out of me. It is eating me up alive.

I am currently suffering from insomnia. Or yeah, and my ulcer is bleeding (or at the very least, it's aggravated). Stressed much anyone? Great.

Home

Finally!

We (Scott, DSS and I) went to Yellowstone National Park for a little vacation. Aside from the rain and cold, it was nice. Yellowstone is so very beautiful and the Grand Tetons are truly grand.

But it's nice to be home. I was expecting to be recharge and looking forward to my FET after vacation. I think I need a vacation to recover from my vacation!

Once the pictures are published I will post links to them.

Thanks you's and then some

First of all, I would like to say "thank you." Not just any thank you but a thank you for the bottom of my heart to some of the greatest out there in the blog world. My last post was posted at the start of ICLW. Blogger's from all over read my blog about my sadness and anger of losing my baby. Those comments meant so much to me and I can sincerely feel the support in each comment. To those blogger's who read without commenting and those who left comments "thank you." Your support is greatly appreciated.

Next, I would like to chew on something. See, I was only about 5 weeks along when I began actually miscarrying. But, I knew for a few days before that I would actually miscarry. I know that a non-if'er would think it's crazy that I am full of emotions. But, the way I see it, how can I not be emotional? I spent a full weekend thinking positive thoughts and getting excited that there was actually a little baby growing inside me. Maybe that was wrong, since my numbers were low. Maybe I should have been negative to begin. But I assumed that thinking positive would not hurt. Now that I am actively miscarrying, I feel like I am starting over in the grief process. I wanted to believe that maybe my little emby would beat the odds. I went from being sad and angry knowing that I will lose my baby to being sad and angry that I am actually losing my baby. No, sad and angry are not good words. Bitterly depressed and thoroughly incensed. I am worried about myself and great ability to push people away. I can't do this alone and feel that I should not have to do it alone. But yet, I feel the need to punish myself and push people away while wanting to scream "support me."

I hope this is normal. I can only assume that when a woman miscarries her baby at 5 weeks she is just as justified to feel this way as a woman miscarries at 10 weeks. I am not going to get into the pain Olympics discussion. I just can't even go there right now. I also never expected this miscarriage to be this physically painful. I am going to start the BCP's tonight and will get my calender soon with the FET information and prescriptions necessary. I can only hope that I am healed enough both physically and emotionally (mentally?) in time for FET. Damn time tables.
:(

I just can't believe it

I can't believe that while I am still pregnant, I am going to miscarry. I hate saying that word. It sucks to know that this baby growing that was growing inside me is no long growing. The words "I am sorry Mrs. Fish stick, but your pregnancy will not progress" changed everything. I am sad, angry, what the hell is this emotion inside me? How can I have gotten so damned attached to this baby? In the span of a weekend, I grew to love my baby and got excited about being baby fish sticks mommy.

Damn it! I am infertile enough to know that bad things happen to they who would be good mommies. But why? Why do these things happen?

I felt so guilty that I got a bfp after my first IVF and there were gals supporting me who were struggling through their 5th and final IVF. There were gals supporting me who knew IVF was out of their reach.

I know that something like 50% of pregnancies end in an early miscarriage and most women going through an early miscarriage never knew they were pregnant to begin. But I knew that I had a little baby inside me. I had early morning sickness (OK, make that all day sickness). I said out loud, "man this would suck if this pregnancy doesn't work after dry heaving over and over." I guess I jinxed myself. :(

So now I am back at square one. Sort of. It sucks to say that I lost this pregnancy. I mean, I did not lose it per say. I am not actively miscarrying yet. No, see, I am still waiting for that part. I am in limbo, I suppose. That makes me even angrier.

I want to force myself to grieve this loss and "get over it." I am just not sure that I can get over it. I guess and I can do is grieve and prepare myself for a future FET.

It's over

Beta #1 = 56.

Beta #2 = 32.

Clinic expects that I will start bleeding this week. Advised to take a cycle off and can do FET after next cycle. I am sad. No, disappointed. I dreamed this morning that I was miscarrying. I almost did not want to get out of bed. I know something was wrong when my pregnancy symptoms started to go away on Sunday. I had some nausea Thursday, Friday and less on Saturday. By Sunday, I have way less nausea then previously. My boobs stopped hurting too. I guess I should have known.

Drive by blog

Not ready to share any BIG news yet...but check out my IVF calender on the right hand side of my blog. Or, you can checkout my FF chart...link in also on the right hand side of my blog.

Long story short, I may have a good number, it's not great. Being cautious until I know more.

Stay tuned for further updates.

Thanks for lending support and asking about me. I really appreciate it.

1 day to B-day

I wish I just knew already. Did this IVF work?

I am strangely at peace, at least right now, if this IVF does not work. I know that I have 3 snow babies and I know that I have already paid for another IVF cycle. Well, another cycle but not another cycle of meds. Those meds cost so dang much too. :(

I know that this IVF might now work. But right now, tonight I feel sad for those girls still trying. I feel guilty that I am here, in the midst of this crazy IVF cycle and there are girls who may never get this opportunity. There are girls who have tried as long and I have and they are just getting the testing done. There are girls who have been trying as long and I have and they are stuck trying clomid or femera. I hate that IVF is so expensive. I hate that the medications for IF cost an arm and a leg. I hate that crack whores and still-living-with-mommy-and-daddy teenagers can get pregnant at the blink of an eye. I hate that it was 3 long years before I even got to the point that I can try IVF.

I guess no matter what, I will have my answer tomorrow. If it's a bfn, well, I will thank the good lord for my 3 snow babies. If it's a bfp, well, I will be happy. I will thank the good lord for my blessing(s). But I will be afraid until I am actually holding my baby (or babies) in my arms.

My ticker

I just realized that I have to open my blog everyday and look at my ticker. The funny thing is, I need to do this to truly remind myself of is next. What's the next step in the IVF process. I then I get hit with the "oh yeah, there is no 'next step' but waiting." My ticker actually scares me some. I mean, it about a week from today, I will know for sure if IVF worked for me.

My back hurts

My back hurts...that tell-tale "OMG, AF is on her way" back ache. Honestly I am scared. What if AF shows? What if this is a sign? A sign that IVF won't work for me or that my embies are not good embies? Is this my fate?


I am somewhat at peace if this first IVF does not work. I have 3 frozen embies that I can put back in but what if those embies don't work? What if I have to resort to IVF #2? I understand that statistically, IVF may not work. I know many a wonderful ladies who did IVF cycle after IVF cycle and no luck. I know this happens and it is so horribly painful and unfair.

Blogging about bio-dad

A couple of weekends ago, my sister had a get together at her house. My sister is my only full-blooded sibling; the rest are either step or half. The reason for the gathering you ask? My bio-dad was driving into town to visit my sisters house. We (Sis and I) planned out a meal and who was cooking/ bringing what. I haven't seen my bio-dad is 13 years. That's right, 13 long years. There was no true reason behind that non-visits. It's just that I wasn't really raised by my bio-dad, rather I was raised by my step-dad.



I have to say, it was a really nice visit! I really do miss my dad and as an adult, I have learned to accept and even appreciate my step-mom. My dad is just like I remembered him to be and it was nice just to sit and talk with him. Granted, we have to take some time now to get to know each other again but I am determined to keep in contact now.



I thought for sure that I would have tons to blog about after this visit. I mean, 13 years is a long time to go without a visit. Hell, we only talk about once a year and our phone calls are fairly short.

In other news, I have no "pregnancy symptoms" and I am not expecting any. My uterus feels...like a uterus? I will not POAS before my beta and can only hope and pray for the best.

ET done

Today was my embyro transfer. I went to bed last night with the firm plan to transfer back two embies. After getting today's embie report, I decided on putting back 3.



Our embie report was this:



Of the eggs that were ICSI'd, we had 1 6-celled embie with no fragmentation, grade A and 1 6-celled embie with 5% fragmentation, grade A.



Of the eggs that were not ICSI'd, we had 1 6-celled embie with no fragmentation, grade A, 1 5-celled embie with no fragmentation, grade A, one 10-celled embie with no fragmentation (not graded due to too many cells) and one 8-celled embie with dark spots (again, not graded).



As other IVF'ers do, I did name my embies. I stuck with a theme near and dear to my heart. The three embies we put back are now known as Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe and Maurice "The Rocket" Richard. For those non-hockey fans, I named my embies after hockey's greatest players.



Wayne Gretzky is now the coach for the Phoenix Coyotes. Wayne was perhaps one of the best goal scorers in hockey and is often referred to as the "The Great One."



Gordie Howe has a "hat trick" (a goal, a fight and an assist) named for him. He was known "Mr. Hockey" and is 6 decades, 32 pro seasons, 2589 career points, 1,071 goals, 29 all-star appearances, all time regular season scoring champ (NHA & WHA combined) all time game winning goal champ, only athlete in the world to play against players in every decade of the pro league's existence (NHL 1920-s to present).



Last but not least Maurice "The Rocket" Richard. The Rocket was known for being a passionate play with a little bit of a short temper. He also the first to score 500 goals in one season over 50 games and 500 career goals.



I know...I am an obsessed hockey fan!



The embies that we are freezing also got named. Patrick Roy (great and famous net minder), Mark Messier (only professional athlete to captain 2 teams) and Mario Lemieux (the "savior" of the Pittsburgh Penguins).



Now the crazy 2WW begins. Grow embies, grow!

I wonder

I am sure I am crazy for wondering this but this craziness is either a side effect from the progesterone or a true sign that I fell off the crazy tree. I am wondering what my embies are doing or thinking right now. Thoughts such as "I wonder if mommy will ever eat chocolate again?" or "Hmmm...if I am a girl, will daddy build me a shoe closet?" I wonder if my embies are leaving finger prints on the sides of their petri dishes or tossing and turning waiting to get out and play.

Ok, please don't point out the obvious. I know my embies are made up of but a few cells and aren't actually thinking or talking to each other. I know they don't even have finger prints and the urge to go play outside. But really, I can't help but contemplate what is going on with my little embies.

My embies. How can I be so attached to a little clump of cells that I get sad thinking some of them might not make to a baby? I certainly can't hold them in my arms but the mere thought of letting them go hurts me. I feel selfish is saying that I want all of them to survive and the ones I don't put back, I want to freeze. But I can't justify throwing away my unused embryos. I wish it were tomorrow so I can see my embies and know their status.

Fert Report

Dr. called today with the fert report.

Out of 8 follies, we go 7 eggs.

Out of 7 eggs, 3 were ICSI'd. Of those 3, two were mature and fertilized.

4 eggs were not ICSI'd. Of those 4, 4 were mature and fertilized.

Looking at a 3 day transfer, we transfer sometime on Friday.

ER done!

Today was ER day. I slept really good except for I kept dreaming that I got to the office and was told that I already ovulated. Yikes!

I took my Valium at 10 this morning and off we went to the clinic. I got into my gown and situated on the bed. From there, it seemed everything moved really fast. I can recall the doctor starting my IV with saline and he explained the meds that he was going to be giving me. At this point, Scott joined me in the room. I got some meds and was told things will start soon. Before the second set of drugs was put into my IV, the embryologist came into the room to verify my name (where did she come from?) and then more drugs were put into my IV. At this point, I could feel the doctor positioning me but wow! I was feeling pretty darn good. From here, I can recall him telling me what was going on but really did not feel much. I was listening to Black Uhuru on my iPod and feeling the need to close my eyes. Not so much to sleep but to "rest." The doctor then said he was starting the aspiration and the first few my be a little uncomfortable. There was some pain but not overly bad. Scott and I got to watch on the monitor, which was so cool. You could see the needle enter each follie and then the follie would collapse. This part seemed to move very quickly. When all was done, I got another drug in my iv to reverse the affects of the first two drugs.

About 20 minutes after the actual retrieval, I was told we got 7 eggs out of my 8 follies. The doctor was really very pleased. I made the decision at that point to do a partial ICSI.

The nurse kept me at the clinic for a while since I would get dizzy upon sitting up. I was slightly nauseous on the ride home but survived without losing it. I was really in and out this afternoon, alternating between drowsy and wide awake. I got a great nap before dinner.

I am now dealing with crampy, bloated feelings and chugging water like no tomorrow. I am hoping I don't get OHSS. I have had OHSS with an injects/ iui cycle in the past. My lower tummy muscles are super sore right now too.

Tomorrow, we will get the fert report. Until then, I think I will be on pins and needles.

Trigger tonight

ER is scheduled for Tuesday at 11 a.m. OMG! I am so nervous and excited and scared and happy all at once.

Super Award

The wonderful Sherry nominated me for this award. I have to mention that I love Sherry's blog and follow it. It's hard not to blog about yourself on your own blog. So when I blog, I try to tell a story...making it interesting to read.

Now, I get the honor of nominating some wonderful blogger's for this super cool award. I am nominating:

Mommy Shoes over at Critter Tales,

Lizzy at Over My Head,

Mrs. Warrior over at Infertility Warrior,

and Barb over at Fertility Challenged in Fl.

I would normally link these wonderful blogs but I don't want to upset anyone trying to keep their blog private.

If the blogger's I nominated don't mind, please comment me and I will link your blog.

My not so favorite day of the year...

Mother's day. A day to celebrate mothers. Sure, I could slap a smile on my face and celebrate with the mothers in my family. That should make me feel great...really fucking great. I mean, celebrating a holiday for mothers surrounded by women who had no trouble conceiving. Wonderful. Toss in some hormones from IVF and I am sure mothers day will be fan-funking-tastic. Maybe I could sleep in on mothers day...all day. Hiding under the covers won't solve anything I know but I really don't want to be out and about hearing people wishing each other a happy mothers day.

A small part of me was hoping that by mothers day, I would have had ER and ET so at least I can say for a little while that I am a little bit pregnant and a mommy to some embies, even if its just for a little while.

Please God, let this IVF work.

Mid-IVF update

I went yesterday for my first E2 check for this IVF cycle. I think my theme is slow and steady wins the race. My estrogen is rising slowly but still rather nicely.

I have a couple of bruises from the shots but I can survive it. I am finally starting to feel the bloating and I am aware that my little ovaries are quite awake now.

Will update more when I can.

It's Saturday

I used to not like Saturdays. My usual Saturdays consisted of cleaning my house from top to bottom. I would do load after load of laundry, walk the dogs a few times, and shop for groceries. All that has changed. I usually sleep in and then have a cup of coffee and some breakfast. I have been going to a my Saturday morning Turbo kick class now that tax season is over too. Most Saturdays, I do clean the bathrooms and some laundry. Since I don't have doggies anymore, I don't have any dogs to walk. I mostly like my Saturdays now. Today is one of those days that I get to cuddle under a blankie on the couch and watch movies.

Yesterday I had my baseline ultrasound. My lining is nice and thin and my ovaries are cyst free. I had 9 antral follies. This has me worried but I am hoping for the best right now. I can't really even blog about this...the emotions are all over the place right now.

Actually, my IVF has me in full blown panic. I know is this not unusual but it doesn't make me feel better.

Random thoughts and groans

1. Sharks are out of the run for the Stanley cup. Shit!
2. Shit! I can't believe they are out of the run for the Stanley cup.
3. Why does the machine for the muscle on the sides of my legs give me a butt cramp every time I use it?
4. I hate, with the heat of a 1000 suns doing bicycle sit ups in the morning.
5. Why am I so damn thirsty these days.
6. Washing my hands 100 times a day makes them very dry.
7. I am about to fork over my life savings for a procedure that has about a 35 to 45% success rate.
8. Fuck, #7 makes me want cry.
9. Lupron can turn me into a bitch and people still leave finger prints everywhere.
10. My head will have to come off my shoulders and rotate 360 degrees before people get that I hate fingerprints.
11. Yes, my children will wear gloves all the days of their lives...or until they live on their own.
12. Totally kidding about #11...and to a certain extent #10.
13. Some people would think its cool and maybe even be jealous if my head came off my shoulders and rotated 360 degrees.
14. Head on a swivel...very important in hockey.
15. Sharks need to learn all about #14.
16. For the love of pete sakes Sharks...you were the #1 team all season. WTF?!?!
17. I would have cried happy tears if we won the series so I am not changing the name of my blog.
18. OMG...could my blog title really have jinxed the Sharks?
19. I am very behind in my blog commenting...will get back on that ASAP!
20. I want a pair of black ankle boots...but have no clue where to find a pair this time of year. :(

Do you have kids?

I never realized how much I hated that question until last night. We were at a get together to watch the hockey game. I held a small glass in my hand...a margarita. I nursed it over a few hours and put melted ice in my cup a few times to water it down. I don't feel bad nursing a single drink though. But I knew that if I did not drink, those who knew we are ttc would ask questions. Sometime during the get together a new face asked me that loaded question. I was honest of course and said no but I wanted to explain that I don't have kids yet but I am trying. It really depends on the situation (and sometimes the person) but sometimes I do explain that I am infertile and trying to have a baby by using IVF.

Tomorrow is the start of National Infertility Awareness Week. I have been way more open with my infertility and have tried to dispel certain beliefs about infertility and ART. But I am only one person. Spread the word!

Serious Fish Stick Issues

I am thisclose to crying over my beloved San Jose Sharks. Step up hockey players and get your butts in gear. Don't lose it in the first round to an 8th seed team. :(

Here it is...

The obligatory drug shot. I did do a pre-IVF belly shot but since I was getting ready for work, I was only wearing my bathrobe. Yeah...not a picture that should be online. LOL! You can't really tell from the picture, but OMG! You are given a ton of syringes for IVF. Yikes! Tonight, I will take my last bcp. I wanted to type that tonight I will take my last bcp ever, but lets not get ahead of ourselves.

I was so anti-IVF. Not in terms of other people doing IVF but it wasn't for me. I just did not want a doctor playing God for me. But the day that I was told that I have less then 1% chance on conceiving on my own did it for me. No amount of relaxing, drunk sex, vacation sex, make up sex or putting my butt in the air was going to get me pregnant. I am kicking myself for not taking this step any sooner.

Can't win for losing...

Today, I posted a "house rules" white board. The rules were simple; things such as pee in the toilet not all over the place, no wine glasses in the sink, wipe the stove after you use it, no tools on the counter. You know, the basic clean up after yourself type things. I spent all day cleaning bathrooms and pee off the floor, wiping kitchen counters, cleaning the stainless steel and what not. Needless to say, by the time I really got to sit down, I was tired and sore from my workout yesterday.

I was recently met with the news that our guests* are depressed by my house rules. These rules were aimed at the house and ALL the people living in it. Now, I am not perfect but I will bet my last dollar that it is not me peeing on the floor. But, I digress. This news just got me irritated to say the least. All I am asking for is some common courtesy.

I should add that I am a semi-neat freak. Mess truly stresses me out. I hate having a messy house. And, as we (and by we, I mean IVF'ers) all know, stress and IVF don't mix. IVF is already physically and emotionally stressful. I feel justified in asking my household in helping me lower my stress. I even made a note of this on my house rules board.

So, after thinking about it, I realize that I should give up. If I ask for help, I am given this look like I just asked someone to scrub the toilet with their toothbrush. If I ask for simple tasks like, please put the toilet seat down (another house rule), I am a nag. If I make a list, I make people depressed. I should mention that I RRRREEEEAAAALLLYYY hate the look I get when I ask for help beyond opening a jar or reaching something down for me. I can't win for losing.

*I am not sure how to refer to out house guests since they are more then guests. I view them as members of the house. I have complained to Scott about this before (the whole I wish the guests would help clean up) and he has explained that I should just say something. I have asked but I get met with that look. It's like I just kicked their injured cat or something look. Man, I really hate that look.

Edited: Now everyone is tip-toeing around me. Heaven forbid the moody girl might come up with some more devastating house rules like wipe your feet before you come into the house. GMAB! I still think that I should NOT have had to hold every ones hand and explain my point of view. I feel as if my explaining that all I am asking is to use a little common sense and clean up after your self is insulting to the household members and a big waste of my time. This list was really basic and the only person who took it like a champ (and even got a laugh out of it) was DSS. Even the 14 year old kid understood what I was asking for. I guess ultimately, I will have to apologize for dare suggesting we put some rules in place to keep the house a little but cleaner. :(

A whole new world of IVF

First of all, my apologies for not blogging; but, tis the tax season.

I am finally (one of the few times I can use that word) starting my IVF. Between February and April 16th, we have given blood, had consultations, a few RHA (lupron challanges), a SHG, an S/A and an injects class. Now, I say "We" since Scott and I have been side by side every single appointment.

A funny conversation occurred during my SHG between Scott, Dr. S and myself. I took a pain pill re-SHG due to the extreme pain my HSG caused me. I had my iPod loaded with Bob Marley tunes to keep me relaxed. Dr. S came into the room and remarked on my iPod. Let me explain that I only had one ear piece in and had the volume very low so I could hear the doctor talk to me. I didn't want to be rude but need Bob singing to me too. Anyways, Dr. S commented and I explained that I was listening to Bob to keep me calm. Dr. S remarked that his household listens to lots of reggae too. Scott and I laughed and I joked that it must be fate that I choose this clinic.

So, my calender has me taking BCP's (which BTW is killing my sex drive) until 4/23/09. I am also giving myself 2 lupron shots a day. That's all for now. Coming soon: AF and baseline ultrasound.

Oh yeah, did I mention we will also be doing a partial ICSI? That means more drugs for me. I did get my obligatory drug shots and a "pre-ivf" belly shot. I will post those soon.

Ah, the fun times!

Quick Update

In case I never mentioned it before, I do taxes for a living. As a result, my life between February and April 15th is quite busy. Blogging and posting on my usual message boards falls by the wayside. I do keep up on reading blogs and certain message boards but it is usually a drive by read with little to no commenting.

So, here is my quick update. We are starting IVF very soon. It is a crazy, emotional time for me. I promise I will post more and I may even make a cute ticker to or put my schedule on the side bar of my blog to keep track of dates and what not.

I will keep ya'll posted.

No tittle

I just reread my last blog post. I realized that I sound very selfish in my rant. Scott made a little remark to me this morning that made me realize he read my blog. No biggie, I want him to read my blog. I realized that my rant was all about me and MY feelings towards my infertility.


I have always assumed that Scott did not have feelings toward my infertility. But, we are a couple and while I mean be the one with bad eggs, we are in this together. It is our infertility. I know that he has some feelings, be they good or bad (happy or sad?) about our infertility. But let's face it...Men handle situations like infertility very differently then women. I have heard women say they hope it's them with the problem because they just don't think their man can handle it. What I should acknowledge is that the emotions that I have toward being unable to conceive are different from Scott's. And, he as a man will handle it differently that I will as a woman.


Men are naturally fixers. I think it frustrates our men when they can't fix us. It is also true that men just are big on sharing their feelings. A man who is also an engineer finds it nearly impossible to share their feelings. I joke with Scott that engineers have no feelings. I know they do but they (male engineers) seem to have the most trouble sharing their feelings.


So back to my last post here. I realize that while Scott may not be shedding tears over our inability to have a baby, he does have feelings about OUR infertility. I guess I have assumed that it is me who wants the baby, it is me with the bad eggs so therefore it is me with all the emotions. My goal for now is to not assume that Scott has no feelings towards our infertility and try to accept that he just because he doesn't verbalize them doesn't mean they don't exist. Well that, and to try to maintain a positive attitude that I will pass the next Lupon Challenge Test.

Don't tell me to stop

To quote Madonna:
"Don't tell me to stop;
Tell the rain not to drop;
Tell the wind not to blow';
Cause you said so, mmm;
Tell the sun not to shine;
Not to get up this time, no, no;
Let it fall by the way;
But don't leave me where I lay down"

I was telling our "house guest"* about my IF troubles and the extreme sadness I am feeling due to failing my Lupron Challenge Test. I know those who have never suffered from infertility think they are being helpful (although some non-if'ers are just assholes) when they say things like don't worry, don't stress, it will happen. I hate being told that if it was meant to be then I wouldn't be having troubles. Anyways, Mr. House Guest told to "get over it." He said that I am probably not meant to have kids. Now, usually this would cause me to say foul words but I am giving this guy a small pass. He is man and can't really empathize with someone who is not his significant other. But I was mad.

I don't have to "get over it" or "stop being sad" about MY infertility. It is MINE and I can be sad about it all I want. I have the right to ask people in MY home to refrain from talking about babies and pregnancy; I have the right to say "NO" to watching movies with titles like "Knocked Up." Don't tell me to stop and "deal with it." I am dealing with it...just not the way you want me to be dealing with it. I don't want your advise...I was some understanding. I want someone to tell me they don't understand my pain per say but they understand this is painful for ME.

DON'T TELL ME TO STOP CRYING ABOUT IT!!! They are MY tears and I can shed them over MY infertility anytime I want to. I admit, I am having trouble knowing there could be an egg maturity issue, egg quality issue or even a diminished ovarian reserve issue. I don't even want to think about donor eggs.

I want to tell people "YOU DEAL WITH IT!" Deal with my sadness, my tears, my endless research and my inability to deal with conversations or movies that are baby related. MY infertility is more important to me then YOUR inability to understand my pain. DEAL WITH IT!

This just pisses me off!

We have all heard the story of the Octuplets born to a California lady. Most people think that IVF was the cause the high order multiples. Wrong! Huge misnomer. Responsible RE's will not allow a women to put 8 embryos back. This pregnancy was probably due to injectible medications, most likely FHS, and either IUI or just god old fashion sex.

But that's not what pisses me off. This article states this mom already has 6 other kids at home. I have nothing against big families per say but it kills me to read that she now has 14 kids.

To be fair, I know my frustrations/ anger stems from the "donor egg talk" and the "you have scar tissue, high E2 and a low antral follicle count, your chances are on the low side." Shit! It's not supposed to be like this. I was supposed to grow up, get married, have kids, a house with a white picket fence and a dog. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. I am not asking for 14 kids...just 1.

And, even more so, I hate feeling like "why me." I have this anger inside and I am honestly depressed about the shitty cards life has dealt to me. I hate feeling like I need pity. I want to be happy and more importantly, optimistic that IVF can still work for me. Kick in the butt anyone?

I am editing this post to add this tidbits about the octuplet mom:

1) 14 kids2) Mom in her late twenties3) no Boyfriend or Husband4) lives at home with parents5) in a 2bdrm house, More "fun" news here too.

Nice! I am sure my tax dollars are hard at work.

Finally...the old friend post...

I had this childhood friend. Due to the fact that she has had quite the hard life and has a record, I am going to not use her whole name. "M" and I lived a few houses apart from each other. Our older siblings were friends and our parents were ok with us shuffling back and forth to each others houses. M's dad moved the family when he and his wife separated. While M and I still were friends, M got mixed up with a not so great group. Eventually, to try to get M's life back on track, M's dad moved a few hours away to a new city. For M, that meant a new school. Sadly, the group of friends M flocked to were no better then her friends back in the old city.

Ever hear the saying "be careful of what you wish for...you just might get it?" Well, M got into trouble repeatedly and began seeing a boy a few years older the her. At the tender age of 12, M got grounded after her dad caught her and the boy doing things they shouldn't have been doing. M told her boyfriend that she wished her dad was dead. I am stopping the story here to protect M. M is not a bad person, she just got dragged into a bad situation.

At this point in time, M and I completely lost contact. There was never a day in my life that I didn't think about her. I always remembered to keep M and her family in my thoughts and prayers. I spent years trying to find her on Myspace and Facebook. Finally, it hit me that if M ever got married, she would have changed her last name. But M's older brother wouldn't have changed his last name. I googled M's older brother and found him. I sent his a generic message giving enough details so he wouldn't think I was some psycho spammer. Sure enough, he remembered me...and put me into contact with M.

Yeah! M and I reverted back to our childhood days and spent our first phone call in tears, laughing and catching up. Over 2 hours later, we promised to keep in touch with each other...and we have!

M got a bad deal out of life but she is such a strong woman. She is a mother, the taxi cab for her kids, the classroom mom, well, the whole nine. She has cared for her mother during her chemo treatments. She is married to a man who loves and respects her. I couldn't be more happy for M. See, I needed to blog about this to share my joy of finding M. Oh yeah, and to thank the techno gods for Google.

In limbo

Today we met with the RE. I am going to make this short for two reasons. Reason #1 is that my nails are wet. Reason #2 is due to the fact that until I get the results from my reproductive hormone assay, I can not determine if there is cause for worry (or should I say more cause for worry). I had my uterus measured and got an antral follicle count. Bad news: I have a very low AFC. Add that to my high E2 and it looks like egg quality is the issue. I have been holding back tears for most of the day. It has been hard. Top that off with the news that I am making our current house guests uncomfortable (apparently, I can't have PMS or people feel unwanted here) and the news that we will have additional house guests and I am ready to explode. Add in the fact that this additional house guest is a guest who is noisy (and misses the toilet every time he pees) and I just don't think I can handle life stress and tax season stress.

Sigh! This was not what I wanted to blog about. I am so damned anxious (excitied?) to blog about reconnecting with my childhood friend.

Bad blogger

I have been a bad blogger. I haven't been reading or commenting on blogs. I promised a blog on reconnecting with old friends and I will...soon.


Tax season is about to start and I am somewhat frustrated with all the "great" changes that will be going on it our office. People think that change can be good but sometimes it's not the case. I would give more examples or details but talking about it just annoys me. Add this to the stress of saving every single penny so that I can start my IVF feeling good about paying for it and it just amounts to a huge case of heart burn. I am really looking forward to starting IVF. I have almost made peace with the fact that sex alone will not get me pregnant. Of course, I would not be sad if we were to conceive now. I find myself "relaxed" about ttcing. I know that I could do all those newbie ttc tricks (elevate my butt, use pre-seed) and it just won't work. So now I just don't care. Sure, every now and then I will pop open some pre-seed. I won't lie and say that I never think to myself thoughts such as "this could be it."But now, I say "this could be it"...and bust out laughing. I don't think of my pre-AF cramps as anything but pre-AF cramps.

Speaking of pre-AF cramps, they are killing me right now. I was expecting AF today (on my birthday of all days) and am happy she is not here yet. Now, a hugely wonderful birthday present would be a BFP. I have made that birthday wish year after year. This year, I faced reality. I can still have a great day despite AF.

Now I am preparing myself for a better diet in preparation for IVF. I am going back to counting calories and eating less "white" carbs. Oh yeah, and preparing myself, at least mentally, for my the tax season.