Tuesday, June 23, 2009



We (Scott, DSS and I) went to Yellowstone National Park for a little vacation. Aside from the rain and cold, it was nice. Yellowstone is so very beautiful and the Grand Tetons are truly grand.

But it's nice to be home. I was expecting to be recharge and looking forward to my FET after vacation. I think I need a vacation to recover from my vacation!

Once the pictures are published I will post links to them.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Thanks you's and then some

First of all, I would like to say "thank you." Not just any thank you but a thank you for the bottom of my heart to some of the greatest out there in the blog world. My last post was posted at the start of ICLW. Blogger's from all over read my blog about my sadness and anger of losing my baby. Those comments meant so much to me and I can sincerely feel the support in each comment. To those blogger's who read without commenting and those who left comments "thank you." Your support is greatly appreciated.

Next, I would like to chew on something. See, I was only about 5 weeks along when I began actually miscarrying. But, I knew for a few days before that I would actually miscarry. I know that a non-if'er would think it's crazy that I am full of emotions. But, the way I see it, how can I not be emotional? I spent a full weekend thinking positive thoughts and getting excited that there was actually a little baby growing inside me. Maybe that was wrong, since my numbers were low. Maybe I should have been negative to begin. But I assumed that thinking positive would not hurt. Now that I am actively miscarrying, I feel like I am starting over in the grief process. I wanted to believe that maybe my little emby would beat the odds. I went from being sad and angry knowing that I will lose my baby to being sad and angry that I am actually losing my baby. No, sad and angry are not good words. Bitterly depressed and thoroughly incensed. I am worried about myself and great ability to push people away. I can't do this alone and feel that I should not have to do it alone. But yet, I feel the need to punish myself and push people away while wanting to scream "support me."

I hope this is normal. I can only assume that when a woman miscarries her baby at 5 weeks she is just as justified to feel this way as a woman miscarries at 10 weeks. I am not going to get into the pain Olympics discussion. I just can't even go there right now. I also never expected this miscarriage to be this physically painful. I am going to start the BCP's tonight and will get my calender soon with the FET information and prescriptions necessary. I can only hope that I am healed enough both physically and emotionally (mentally?) in time for FET. Damn time tables.

Monday, June 1, 2009

I just can't believe it

I can't believe that while I am still pregnant, I am going to miscarry. I hate saying that word. It sucks to know that this baby growing that was growing inside me is no long growing. The words "I am sorry Mrs. Fish stick, but your pregnancy will not progress" changed everything. I am sad, angry, what the hell is this emotion inside me? How can I have gotten so damned attached to this baby? In the span of a weekend, I grew to love my baby and got excited about being baby fish sticks mommy.

Damn it! I am infertile enough to know that bad things happen to they who would be good mommies. But why? Why do these things happen?

I felt so guilty that I got a bfp after my first IVF and there were gals supporting me who were struggling through their 5th and final IVF. There were gals supporting me who knew IVF was out of their reach.

I know that something like 50% of pregnancies end in an early miscarriage and most women going through an early miscarriage never knew they were pregnant to begin. But I knew that I had a little baby inside me. I had early morning sickness (OK, make that all day sickness). I said out loud, "man this would suck if this pregnancy doesn't work after dry heaving over and over." I guess I jinxed myself. :(

So now I am back at square one. Sort of. It sucks to say that I lost this pregnancy. I mean, I did not lose it per say. I am not actively miscarrying yet. No, see, I am still waiting for that part. I am in limbo, I suppose. That makes me even angrier.

I want to force myself to grieve this loss and "get over it." I am just not sure that I can get over it. I guess and I can do is grieve and prepare myself for a future FET.

It's over

Beta #1 = 56.

Beta #2 = 32.

Clinic expects that I will start bleeding this week. Advised to take a cycle off and can do FET after next cycle. I am sad. No, disappointed. I dreamed this morning that I was miscarrying. I almost did not want to get out of bed. I know something was wrong when my pregnancy symptoms started to go away on Sunday. I had some nausea Thursday, Friday and less on Saturday. By Sunday, I have way less nausea then previously. My boobs stopped hurting too. I guess I should have known.