First of all, I would like to say "thank you." Not just any thank you but a thank you for the bottom of my heart to some of the greatest out there in the blog world. My last post was posted at the start of ICLW. Blogger's from all over read my blog about my sadness and anger of losing my baby. Those comments meant so much to me and I can sincerely feel the support in each comment. To those blogger's who read without commenting and those who left comments "thank you." Your support is greatly appreciated.
Next, I would like to chew on something. See, I was only about 5 weeks along when I began actually miscarrying. But, I knew for a few days before that I would actually miscarry. I know that a non-if'er would think it's crazy that I am full of emotions. But, the way I see it, how can I not be emotional? I spent a full weekend thinking positive thoughts and getting excited that there was actually a little baby growing inside me. Maybe that was wrong, since my numbers were low. Maybe I should have been negative to begin. But I assumed that thinking positive would not hurt. Now that I am actively miscarrying, I feel like I am starting over in the grief process. I wanted to believe that maybe my little emby would beat the odds. I went from being sad and angry knowing that I will lose my baby to being sad and angry that I am actually losing my baby. No, sad and angry are not good words. Bitterly depressed and thoroughly incensed. I am worried about myself and great ability to push people away. I can't do this alone and feel that I should not have to do it alone. But yet, I feel the need to punish myself and push people away while wanting to scream "support me."
I hope this is normal. I can only assume that when a woman miscarries her baby at 5 weeks she is just as justified to feel this way as a woman miscarries at 10 weeks. I am not going to get into the pain Olympics discussion. I just can't even go there right now. I also never expected this miscarriage to be this physically painful. I am going to start the BCP's tonight and will get my calender soon with the FET information and prescriptions necessary. I can only hope that I am healed enough both physically and emotionally (mentally?) in time for FET. Damn time tables.
:(
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2 comments:
Em, I am very sorry.
I went through the similar sway of barely being pg and knowing I was losing it and I still don't know how I feel. Its all so unclear.
Take care of yourself. ((hugs))
I think it's very very normal honey. Any time your emotions are involved like that, it's going to be rough. When I had my chemical, I lost it 17 or 18 days after conception. It wasn't much more than a ball of cells. But I was so bitterly angry that something I had tried so hard for had been snatched away just like that. I was very very... incensed IS a good word... and just so bitter... for quite a while. You will work through it, but don't beat yourself up about how you feel. It just is.
And yes... it is waaaaay more painful than a normal period. Mine was even that early.
xoxoxo
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