4th of July

Independence day. The day as a little kid I would wait for, knowing that it was halfway (in my little kid mind) to Christmas. Now as an adult, I am sitting here thinking "where did the first half of the year go?!" It seems like the year started with all the gusto that comes with each new year, celebrations that make you feel a little older and then the part of the year that I call "tax season" quickly follows. While I had tax season to occupy my mind, I still anxiously awaited the start of my IVF cycle. This is the first year since Scott and I started dating that we did not take a post tax season vacation. But I digress. My IVF cycle seemed to encompass my life and my mind and before I knew it, I was in the dreaded 2 week waiting.

My dear friend from message board land just got a bfn in her first IVF cycle. I cried tears for her, as if it were me who got the bfn. Having been through 3 and half years of soul crushing, gut wrenching bfns, I know all to well the pain of a bfn. However, after spending your life fortune on IVF, a bfn is much harder to swallow. It seems shocking to me that while we (meaning doctors and science) can do the necessary steps for IVF, it hasn't been perfected. Just proof to me that man really isn't a God...but sure likes to play one. I am not sure what is worse...a bfn at the end of an IVF cycle or losing your baby at the end of and IVF cycle. Personally, I know that I had frozen embies and paid for a FET cycle. For me, it would have been easier for my first IVF to end in a bfn. I was prepared for that. I was not prepared for a miscarriage. No one can prepare for that, even knowing that my numbers were going down and I was going to miscarry, I carried around this hope that it was a mistake. I carried around a hope that my baby was being ornery and that my next beta would show perfectly doubling numbers. But alas, that was a misguided hope that made no sense.

Here is it July and by checking my FET calender on my side bar, I know that I am closer to starting estrogen to prepare my uterus for my embies. I am nervous. What if's are running through my mind. Irrational or not, I can't stop worrying.

Happy 4th of July! Today as America celebrate its Independence Day with bar-b-ques and fire works, I will sit here and hope and pray for my fellow infertile sisters out there. One day too, I hope that I will have a child soo looking forward to the holiday that is the half way mark to Christmas.