I am angry...God, I am so angry. This was supposed to have a happy ending. Sorry universe, but me not becoming a mommy is not a happy ending in my book. I want to scream. I have this pent up anger and there is just nothing I can do with it. I just can not deal with it.
The four year of trying mark is a week away and I can't even think about that day without a rage coming over me.
These past few weeks, I have be self medicating to numb the pain. Every night, I sit on the couch with a drink in hand and wait for the earth to open up and swallow me whole. Don't lecture me...I come from a family of alcoholics and I am not going to sit here and make excuses for myself. But damn it, the just sucks! I have a feeling that I haven't even dealt with my grief fully and that I have a lot of anger and pain still to come.
I was talking to a friend of mine and he said, "do you ever think there was something deep inside making a barrier to you actually conceiving?" I do admit that I had doubts, lots of doubts but I knew that ultimately, everything would work out in the end. But, what person doesn't have doubts in their mind? I mean, making any major life changing decision is bound to make you have some kind of doubts, right? I likened his question to the "self fulfilling prophesy" belief and all of sudden I am wondering if maybe, just maybe he is right? I mean, what if my fears and doubts are the very reason why I am not pregnant? What if, just what if, I jinxed myself?
Urgh! I hate this. I wish I knew for sure why *I* got the IF card. I mean, beyond the whole "you got bad eggs (as confirmed for me by my RE)," beyond the whole "you waited to long" and my favorite "maybe it is Scott" arguments and really find out who I pissed off in the universe so much so that I ended up being infertile.
I know, I know...poor me. I feel I need to have a pity party. Yes, I feel like this is unfair. As I shake my fist at the universe and stomp my feet, I am tossing myself a pity party; complete with beer and a fine whine.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Bullshit! I know that IF won't kill me but what about a broken heart? I am having a hard time with the fact that holidays are coming up and I will have to pretend again to be happy. I will have to pretend that everything is ok, while crying on the inside. I will have to pretend that I am "over it." Well guess what universe?!?! I am so not over it and I sure as hell won't be over it anytime soon. I am not ready to go out there and pretend. I have had to do it a few times and all the while I was screaming inside. How am I supposed to pretend and deal with this anger? I would not go so far as to say it is an uncontrollable anger but I am quite sure that the longer it simmers, the harder is will be to control.
I feel so alone in my grief. I want to shake people by and beg them to grieve with me. I can feel myself slipping into a deep despair and I just don't know what to do. I am trying to convince myself to get back to the gym, back to dancing, to laughing and that eventual happiness will come. It just seems so far away; so out of my grasp. My anger (and rage) scare me right now. I am afraid I will lash out at the wrong person or say something that I won't be able to take back. I am scared that I will hurt the feelings of someone, loved or otherwise.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
I would be angry too.
I do not like your friend for saying that to you. You should bear NO BLAME in this. It just happened to you. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong.
I agree. You did absolutely nothing wrong. No one deserves to go through this, especially you. You're such a kind and generous person.
Please let me know if there's anything at all I can do to help. I wish I were there to give you a big and gentle hug.
(((hugs)))
Do NOT blame yourself. You did nothing to bring it on. It's just shitty luck. It's not a lesson to be learned, It's not a punishment. It's not a sign of self-sabotage. It sucks. And you have every right to be pissed off. When our last IVF failed, I remember driving to work and screaming in the car. I thought about driving my car into a tree because I figured it would distract me from how much my heart was hurting. It was a fleeting thought and I'm glad I didn't do it, but it made me realize that I needed to talk to someone to get through it. You might want to think about seeing a therapist who specializes in infertility and/or grief. I found it so helpful.
Can you avoid the holidays? I know you can't even walk into a store without Christmas being in your face, but as we get closer to the days can you plan a trip with Scott so you're away then. At least you won't have to pretend. If you can't go away, it's completely within your prerogative to skip events this year. I hope you give yourself permission to do that. It's not selfish. It's self-preservation.
Please PM me on LP if you need a shoulder. ((hugs))
You have every right to feel everything you just said. Not only that, but please don't feel so alone. Most of us in this community have faced that horrible anger and despair at one point or another. I remember a point of just being consumed by a black rage and an "it's just not FAIR" feeling.
And I absolutely agree with the others. There is no way you are in any way the cause of these issues. That's just people grabbing at straws to make sense of things because they don't understand it. It's not something tangible like the flu. But that's no excuse. It still pisses me off on your behalf.
Can Scott grieve with you? I think grieving it is very very important. Hang in there and know we care.
You know why this happened to you? Because bad shit happens. It sucks and it's totally not fair. You have every right to be angry and I urge you to let yourself feel the other, more tender emotions beneath it. Sadness, despair, longing, panic, depression, guilt, hopelessness.... grief. You are grieving right now that's ok. Embrace your grief, talk about your grief when you are able, and recognize it for what it is. Right now you only need to worry about today. And trust in yourself that you have what it takes to make it through. Each day will present new challenges but eventually, the pain will start to lessen as you allow yourself to express and explore all of your emotions. We're here for you. (((HUGS)))
I felt exactly like this three or four months ago. I went through IVF, only to suffer through a chemical pregnancy and then be told that my eggs are crap and I need to employ chromosome testing for the next try (adding thousands more dollars to the already ridiculous cost). It just added insult to injury. I ate and drank to try to self-soothe, and it didn't work. I am still probably having too many drinks per week, not really b/c I'm depressed any longer, but just b/c it's become a habit. It is so hard to pull yourself out of this muck, and I totally get it. You are in my thoughts.
Hi, this is my first comment though I follow your blog regularly. I can empathize with your anger and frustration. Sorry to hear the friend you spoke with doesn't get that negative energy/self doubt does not prevent conception. If the solution were that simple millions of infertile women would be pregnant already. I hope you can hang in through this difficlut time.
Post a Comment