Acupuncture and Anger

It's July! Where did time go? It feels like the process of building up to the FET is taking a long time. Everyday, I inject myself with lupron and wonder if it will be July yet. Well, it's July and now I wonder how soon I can start my estrogen patches. 2 weeks at a time...that's how I live my life.

I am back in acupuncture. My first experience with acupuncture was not pleasant. It hurt like a mo-fo and I dreaded going. This time around, it is much easier. I am not sure if it is determination to make this cycle work or if the fact that I am actually seeing a Chinese doctor. She is a very nice, soft spoken lady. I was leery when I saw the shopping center with her office and almost did not walk into it. I mean, I literally turned around and walked back to my car. But, then I remembered that I made an appointment and I get so mad when people make appointments with me but don't show up. So back to her office I went, took a deep breath and walked in. Her office smelled heavenly. We talked for a while then got started. I was very nervous but once she got all the needles in and turned off the lights I began to relax.

Then it hit me. Anger and grief like I never knew before. I felt my eyes burn. OMG! I was going to cry...I mean finally cry over losing my baby. I have been sad, mad, even a little surprised over my miscarriage but never really cried. I would tear up here and there but never let those tears fall. I wanted to scream and hit something. I am so angry. I haven't talked out loud to anyone about this; hell, I find myself comforting people when they ask me about the outcome of my IVF. Why!? Comfort me damn it...I am the one who lost my baby!

I find myself wanting to be alone...just so I can cry. I need to be able to mourn this baby before my FET. More then anything I want to scream. I mean really shout and get this anger out of me. It is eating me up alive.

I am currently suffering from insomnia. Or yeah, and my ulcer is bleeding (or at the very least, it's aggravated). Stressed much anyone? Great.