Battle!

I seem to be battling something again. It feels like more then allergies but less then a cold...kinda like a sinus issue. All I know is I feel like blah! Blah with a capital B.

I haven't blogged much about this IVF cycle or even created a ticker. I really want this cycle to go by quickly, but I also want to work. I was talking to my chiropractor about this sense of false self-assuredness that I have going right now. I have convinced myself that I am ok if this IVF does not work. Now, I can tell you without a doubt that that is a huge ass lie. Huge! I know that not being a mom won't kill me but the sadness could very well do me in. I also feel really alone this cycle...no one on the boards in cycling with me this time around. The rash of newly pregnant women has me excited and somewhat jealous all at once. I don't feel like I have anyone to share my news with now, especially since I can no long post IVF updates on facebook. I want to be open to people about my infertility struggles but I don't know how to do so. I am not embarrassed nor ashamed of my infertility but the raw emotions that my inability to easily conceive bubble up to the surface every time I try to mention it. Tears start to burn the back of my eyes and I just want to shake me people and tell them what I want them to say to me. I know that I cannot dictate people but I just don't think I can handle one more "just relax" or "if it is meant to be, it will happen." I don't want people to brush it aside, but instead feel the very pain and discomfort that infertility makes me feel. I want people to understand really what it is like to walk a mile (hell, even a half mile) in my shoes. I don't want my feelings to be brushed aside or seen as overly apathetic. Instead, I want to be seen as a women, struggling to be a mom who cries real tears month after month as I await my turn. The four year mark of trying to have a baby is rapidly approaching and damn it when will it finally be my turn?

Deep down, I know that I am scared. I have this fear of falling off the deep end, into a deep, undeniable depression. I am afraid of what may become of me if I fail to conceive. I, ironically have this fear of conceiving a girl baby and passing the shit luck known as infertility down onto her. This burden is not something I want to pass on to my child. I wonder if this fear is keeping me from conceiving but realize that is not likely.

Tomorrow is ultrasound day (gotta love that dildo-cam) and I will have a better idea of what we are working with and what kind of time frames. I am always slightly reassured after each visit knowing a small portion of the battle has been fought.