Monday, September 28, 2009

No time for catchy tittles...

"Sometimes people just have to make decisions to distance them from the things that make them hurt so much. I think at least for my sanity, I need to start focusing on something besides ttc/kids or I'll end up in an institution or lose the love of my life, so this is one way that will help me. I need to focus on all the blessings in my life and not the one thing that tortures me so much these days. We all know how hard it is (no matter what we say) to be happy for everyone else having babies when we don't have one ourselves. It really, really, really hurts to no end. I sometimes cry for hours on end and my heart literally hurts."

Not my words but sums up my weekend, my life so perfectly. Now about those blessings...

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Pre-ER fears

As I sit here and type this, I am afraid. I know this is normal and I recall this fear last cycle. I am afraid that I will ovulate before ER. I am afraid that I will go to my appointment tomorrow and I will get bad news. I am afraid of finding out there is a lead follie and the rest stopped growing. I am afraid I won't make it to ER. Of course, once ER is done, I am afraid that my eggs won't fertilize or that we will need ICSI. I am afraid that even the ones that do fertilize won't grow. Most importantly, I am afraid that my IVF won't work. I know that every women undergoing IVF feel this way. I know this is a common fear. I know that I am not alone but I sure do feel that way.

Not I just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


I seem to be battling something again. It feels like more then allergies but less then a cold...kinda like a sinus issue. All I know is I feel like blah! Blah with a capital B.

I haven't blogged much about this IVF cycle or even created a ticker. I really want this cycle to go by quickly, but I also want to work. I was talking to my chiropractor about this sense of false self-assuredness that I have going right now. I have convinced myself that I am ok if this IVF does not work. Now, I can tell you without a doubt that that is a huge ass lie. Huge! I know that not being a mom won't kill me but the sadness could very well do me in. I also feel really alone this one on the boards in cycling with me this time around. The rash of newly pregnant women has me excited and somewhat jealous all at once. I don't feel like I have anyone to share my news with now, especially since I can no long post IVF updates on facebook. I want to be open to people about my infertility struggles but I don't know how to do so. I am not embarrassed nor ashamed of my infertility but the raw emotions that my inability to easily conceive bubble up to the surface every time I try to mention it. Tears start to burn the back of my eyes and I just want to shake me people and tell them what I want them to say to me. I know that I cannot dictate people but I just don't think I can handle one more "just relax" or "if it is meant to be, it will happen." I don't want people to brush it aside, but instead feel the very pain and discomfort that infertility makes me feel. I want people to understand really what it is like to walk a mile (hell, even a half mile) in my shoes. I don't want my feelings to be brushed aside or seen as overly apathetic. Instead, I want to be seen as a women, struggling to be a mom who cries real tears month after month as I await my turn. The four year mark of trying to have a baby is rapidly approaching and damn it when will it finally be my turn?

Deep down, I know that I am scared. I have this fear of falling off the deep end, into a deep, undeniable depression. I am afraid of what may become of me if I fail to conceive. I, ironically have this fear of conceiving a girl baby and passing the shit luck known as infertility down onto her. This burden is not something I want to pass on to my child. I wonder if this fear is keeping me from conceiving but realize that is not likely.

Tomorrow is ultrasound day (gotta love that dildo-cam) and I will have a better idea of what we are working with and what kind of time frames. I am always slightly reassured after each visit knowing a small portion of the battle has been fought.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

IVF #2...and we're off

Yesterday was baseline day and it was great. I am thinking acupuncture is doing something because I had a record number of follies: 6 on the right and 9 on the left. That is huge...for me. The plan is to start with large doses of FHS and add HMG to the mix. Should be interesting since I have never done HMG before.

Other then battling a cold and gearing up for the 3rd big deadline of the tax year, nothing new is happening. My house is still in shambles but we are making some progress. I have big dreams of sitting in my house knowing that it is finished.

I did a tax return for a former co-workers daughter. Her daughter is nice and extremely beautiful. This gal (the daughter), well lets just call her Mrs. P and Mr. Ex had some interesting runs ins in the past. I always wondered what transpired between these two. Fast forward to the future and she marries a jack ass who beat the crap out of her. I apparently am the poster child for women who need their taxes prepared after their asshat ex's beat them. She came in to meet with me and I was dying to ask just what really happened between her and Mr. Ex. See, Mrs. P is the apple of her mom's eye and it would kill her mother to know that Mrs. P had an relations what so ever with a man who was not single. Heaven forbid, right?! But we (Mrs. P and I) got to talking and I forgot really just how much I liked her. I figured, the past is the past and I have moved on so rather then bring it up I let it go. I am at peace with that decision but I really wanted to say to her something along the lines of "you really did not do much better with your ex then with mine, did ya?!" So bad...I know. But see, there is more to this story. A while back I posted how my former co-worker thought for sure Mrs. P and her hubby would be popping out babies with no problems. Well, they tried and tried and no luck. After hearing this story, as well as how Mrs. P asshat ex hubby beat her up, I said "maybe it did not happen for a reason."

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

I hate it when people tell me that. I hate with the heat of 10,000,000 suns. And I just said like a fucking insensitive fertile. I don't know if deep down I was trying to hurt her feelings or what. But really, after those words left my mouth, I felt like a huge bitch. Seriously, I felt hurt for her but WAIT...there's more. She totally agreed with me. She acted relieve that I felt that way, as if we could read each others thoughts. I could see this sense of relief, this sense of "oh, she's not judging me by my infertility" wash over her face. I wanted to hug her and hit her all at once. She truly believed that her being unable to conceive did happen for a reason...and that reason is one day her ex would beat her up. Gah!!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Sometimes it's hard to come up with a title

I have been in quite the funk lately. I know its the hormones, added to the stress of IVF and toss in the "OMG, this is my last shot at becoming a mother" and it all equals funk.

I have been wanting to blog...but did not want sound like a broken record, repeating myself over and over again. I have decided to write a few "reviews" if you will about everyday things in my life.

Lets start with my new workout class, "Get on the Ball." It is a class that utilizes those big balance balls seen at gyms all across the nation. Ever wonder what they are really for or how to use them properly? Well, this class teaches you techniques on using the ball and how to get the best work out. I have attended one class and I can feel the burn...and lots of pain. Not sure I buy the whole "no pain, no gain" theory.

My second (and favorite) work out class is "Turbo Kick." Our instructor makes this class fun. I try to do Turbo at least twice a week. It is mainly cardio, interlaced with lots of interval training.

Here is a product review: Margarita-ville Frozen Concoction Maker. I am not typically a fan of blender drinks but this new kitchen toy can make anyone a fan. You pour in the ingredients, add ice, turn on the switch and within minutes you have the perfect margarita (or daiquiri, slider, ect).

Ok, enough with the reviews. Let's talk about this health care plan. I am all for health care for every citizen and not just shit care but great health care. I feel that as a payer of health care, there should be a free and competitive market for health care. I am not sure that "universal" health care is the fix but I agree that it is so damned expensive. With that said, I would really like someone to explain to me just how much this health care plan is going to cost and who is going to pay for it. Will we, the citizens pay for it through taxes? Will those who currently pay for health care pay more to cover those who can't afford health care? A Revenue committee did a study and found that the taxpayer in the 28% tax bracket could expect their tax bracket to increase to 45% just to cover the cost of the current idea being tossed around. I know that I can not afford a tax increase of 17% and can say that many people can't either. So, if they are not going to raise taxes to pay for the universal health care, then were will that money come from? This worries me more then I would like to worry about it and I am not comfortable with the current answers out there.

Well, that got deep.