Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I am thankful

Tomorrow is thanksgiving and while I am looking forward to the turkey and the sides I realize that I have so much to be thankful for in my life.

1. I am thankful for my wonderful boyfriend. I am thankful we have a loving relationship.

2. I am thankful that I have such a loving bond with Scott's son. I would be devastated to be "dad's horrible/ wicked/ ugly/ mean/ you name your foul description" girlfriend.

3. I am thankful for my job and Scott's job and for the simple fact that we have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.

4. I am thankful for my family and friends. Sure, they aren't perfect and there is always some drama but they are MY family and friends and I love them.

5. I am thankful that infertility has not destroyed my relationship with Scott. It has not destroyed my soul. It has not killed me. I hate infertility but I am a stronger women because of it.

6. I am thankful for my health. My health may not be perfect but I am alive and I can enjoy my life.

7. I am thankful for my online friends and support system. I wish we could have met under different circumstances but I am glad to know them none the less. I wish we weren't all in the same infertility boat but I am so glad to support them and have them to support me too.

I know there is so much more to be thankful for and I know that the instant I hit "publish post" they will come to mind. But, I wanted to share the few things.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 24, 2008

The tell-tale signs

Today is November 24th and oddly enough it is also cd 24 for me. I noticed around lunchtime today that I had that tell-tale backache...and cramps. Sigh! I figured that af will make you way to my house near the end of the month...and honestly, I am not a bit surprised. Unlike last cycle I had no clue when or if I even ovulated this cycle. Last cycle, my body worked like it was supposed from af to O to af again. I was hopeful but more then anything excited that my body worked without the help of fertility medications. This cycle was back to my usual, whacked out, I am not sure that my body did what it's supposed to do cycle. I am quite certain that my healthy, lo-cal eating habits and 5 to 7 day a week workout forced my body to behave. Since, we left the country twice this month, my healthy eating habits and workouts have been missing. Oh well, I am back on the workout track and will do my best to eat better...until thanksgiving when I am not sure I will be able to control my turkey intake.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Cruising (on a sunday afternoon?)

Back from the cruise finally and somewhat caught up and now I am ready to blog! My first cruise was a memorable experience. Scott and I packed our house to be tented for termites and then off to the airport. We flew down to San Diego and hopped onto our boat, the Carnival Elation. Our first few hours on the boat, and we ate...and drank...and ate some more. Fast forward to Sunday and our first full day at sea (lets call it day 1). We worked out and attended a few "health" seminars. This of course took place between eating. We also attended the captain's message and watched a show.

Day two landed us in Cabo San Lucas. Oh, how I love Mexico. We skipped any excursions and walked over the Hard Rock Cafe. We enjoyed a day of more eating and drinking before hitting Hooters and back to the boat. Boy, did I enjoy my nap that evening before dinner. ;)

Day three was a "fun day at sea." I "forced" Scott to taking disco dance lessons with me! That evening we also attended a repeat cruisers event (Scott is a repeat cruiser) and got to take pictures with our captain. After dinner, we went to a bar to hear great 70's and 80's music. I danced in circles around Scott and had such a great time. I like the night life...I love to boogie...I am a dancing, dancing, dancing machine...I like to shake my groove thang. Ok, you get the point! I love dancing. We left the bar when the cigarette smoke got to bad and walked smack into the "Air Guitar" contest. They were looking for a judge so I volunteered. It was totally funny and the other judges and I had alot of fun.

Day four was the day we hit up Enseneda. We visited a "casino" and got a few free margarita's. Following the "casino" visit, we got a wine "tour" and did a wine "tasting." Then we went into town to shop. Once again, we stopped at a few places and ate fish taco's. We stopped at a place called Mango Mango's and I got to do some more dancing. We shopped around some and finally reboarded the boat.

The night before I took off my motion sickness patch and felt really bad on night of Day four. I was feeling every little roll and wave. We packed up after dinner and got ready to return to reality. That was the only bad thing about the cruise. Our wait staff at dinner was great as was the maitre'd. Our waiter took the time to point out all the vegetarian meals to me and brought out the captain's choice wine list to Scott every night. Our table mates were fun to talk to and we always enjoyed sharing stories about our day. When we had "formal" night, Scott and I were more of a casual formal as opposed to totally formal. But, we did not get any pictures together with our camera. :(

I will post links to the pictures once Scott publishes them to his site.

It was a great starter (practice) cruise but I am so glad to be home. I am actually looking forward to this Thanksgiving and eating some turkey. Gooble, gooble!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Boot Camp redo

Today I finished my second full boot camp. I did not get measured so I am not sure if I lost any inches or any weight. But I did improve once again on my timed mile run! I am down to 11.35 for a mile and up to 40 push ups.

After boot camp, we all went to coffee. One of the ladies (J) was asking about my IVF. We talked for a while and then she told me her and her DH had to use IVF to conceive their son. J asked which clinic I was using and when I told her she was very excited. She used them too. She had nothing but great things to say about the clinic. While we were talking another women came up to me and said she over heard J and I talking. She told me her and her DH tried for along time too and finally took the IVF route too. I am not sure what her outcome was or any other details. J and I commented that when you are going through IVF, you can feel very alone. You know other women are suffering from IF too but you just don't know who until you start talking about it. It was just amazing that 2 of my fellow boot campers suffered IF.

Thank you everyone who poped on here to support me yesterday. I am forever grateful for the wonderful people who I have met on the various IF message boards. I really appreciate it! I was pretty down yesterday but today is a new day. I am leaving to go on my first ever cruise tomorrow and I am so excited! Not to mention that I love Mexico and we will be cruising down to Mexico. Whoo Hooo! And when we get back our house should be termite free. Yes!!!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

3 years and no baby

3 years ago today was my true cd1. I was off the pill and ready to start baby making. I jumped into ttcing with all the gusto of a new ttcer. I temped and charted. I spent many hours reading all the books. I joined message boards. I studied my cp and cm religiously.

I knew then that it wouldn't happen "right away" and that maybe I would have "some" troubles. My cycles were a little irregular post birth control. But, I naively assumed that within 6 months I would be pregnant.

After 6 months of trying (and 3 painful UTI's) I went to my doctor. She ordered cd3 labs and cd21 labs. That was the start of the madness.

2 lap and thousands of dollars (and tears!) later, and I am still not a mom. I am not even close. Today is one of those days that IVF seems so far away. I wonder if I will be an insane, mad woman by the time we start our IVF.

Hey, at least I got out of bed today...right?!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I have been hearted!

Elephantscanemember hearted me! I am so very excited to be hearted. I count Sherry as a fellow ttc and infertility warrior. I love to read her blog and hope for many great things to come her way.

Here are the Rules:
1. The winner can put the logo on his/her blog.
2. Link the person from whom you received your award.
3. Nominate at least seven other blogs
4. Put links of those blogs on yours, and
5. Leave a message on the blogs that you've nominated!
I will nominate:
2. Mrs. Steps at Baby Steps to Baby Shoes
5. Yoda's Mistress at We are What We Repeatedly Do
6. Water Bishop at An Older Version
7. TomKat at the Unlikely Life to deliver some happy news!

Some links to pictures

As promised, you can see out UK (well, London only) trip photo's here. I would post the photos we have of Hitchin and Helsinki but since they are also filled with pictures of Scott's co-workers I decided not to.


The countdown begins

Count down #1. Thursday will by my 3 year ttc-versary. I am not looking forward to it yet this date keeps popping up in my mind. I feel like its a bad movie. There is this day and no matter what I can not avoid that day. I can not deny that this day will be a hard day for me. I can't get over it or stop thinking about it. This day is a very real part of me and has made me be the women I am today.

Yoda's Mistress put it in such perfect word that I am going to quote her. She said, "I can't help but wonder: is it possible that the most painful aspect of infertility is not that I can't conceive but rather just simply that I can't???" OMG! I have had that thought floating in the back of my mind for a while now. I know that self doubt is not good so I have been pushing them back and telling myself it is natural to feel this way.

Count down #2. On Friday, I will get remeasured after finishing another boot camp. I am not feeling very hopeful since I took a week and a half off of working out to go to the UK and Finland. But, I am extremely proud of myself (given the number of beers I consumed) that I did not gain any weight (not even a pound) while out of the country. Yes! I am not certain that I will do any better on the timed tests on Friday but I will show up and do my best.

Count down #3. We will be leaving on our cruise on Saturday. I am so excited. My very first cruise. Ohh..and I love Mexico. Seriously, I could retire there!

Count down #4. I am rapidly approaching my 100th post here on my blog. So cool man! I never realized that I had so much to say...about the same topic.

I was considering making a ticker for the start of IVF or the amount of $$$$ I have saved toward this IVF. But for some odd reason, I haven't had the will power to do so. I think it is the true unknowns that are preventing me from doing so. I mean, we have a price range and a start time frame but nothing is set in stone yet. But I also feel like having a ticker will make it seem less far away then not. Saying we will start sometime after April 15th seems so vague and oddly far away.

Here is a great picture that Scott took of us a few weeks back. Let's hope that I can post it without it being too big.

I wanted to post this picture since I love it! And...I love Scott too. ;)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I tried not to talk about it

I have been forcing myself to limit talk about IF. IF is truly a life consuming event. But, I guess my blog would not be complete if I did not talk about IF.

A few weeks ago, we (dbf, dss and I) went to a birthday party. The host and hostess had 2 beautiful babies. I was stuffing my face (what else is new?) when a very pregnant lady walks into my view. I stuffed some food into my mouth and looked at Scott with that "deer in headlights" look. He just laughed at me. Thanks buddy!

While vacationing in the UK and Finland, I purposely adverted my eyes when I saw a pregnant women or a new baby. I did a pretty good job about not sighing or grunting (yes, I grunt) when I saw a big, pregnant belly.

While in the Finland office with Scott, a co-worker of his opened a gift. It was a baby gift. I looked up right as he was pulling a cute little baby outfit. I could feel my cheeks turning bright red. My heart was pounding this painful, hurting strumming in my chest. I looked over at Scott (again) and this time he said sorry.

The icing on the cake is these odd baby and pregnancy dreams I have been having. I dreamed that I was on a plane and we had really bad turbulence. I was sitting with another mom and we put our babies in the middle of us. I also dreamed that I was at my mom's with Scott and mr. butthead ex showed up and tried to take my baby. Later in my dream, I was at Target and I lost my baby somewhere in the store. I also dreamed that I was very pregnant and was having horrible contractions. God, these dreams just kill me. I know these dreams are a stress reaction. The fact that I have traveled too many time zones in a short amount of time and my sleep is all off isn't helping. Avoiding pregnant women and babies is also contributing to my stress and odd dreams too.

I really thought I was doing good. I faithfully read my ART book and made a huge list of questions to ask regarding IVF. In one week, it will be my 3 year ttc-versary. I was really hoping to be pregnant on that day. I was hoping I could look IF in the face and laugh. But, given that AF just left the building that won't be happening.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Things I learned while traveling

1. Toilet seat covers are truly an American thing.
2. Thailand, you really do have to bring your own toilet paper wherever you go.
3. Beijing’s airport has the world’s cleanest least right before the Olympics.
4. The toilets really do flush "the other way" in Australia and the stalls in the airport bathrooms are small...very small.
5. Don't drink the tap water...Ever. JUST DON'T DRINK IT! Drink beer instead.
6. Indian food is the national food of the UK. There is just nothing appealing about liver and kidney pie. Nothing!
7. Finland is not a vegetarian paradise.
8. If you order spicy food in Thailand beware it will be spicy. Very spicy.
9. It not unusual to find yourself trying all the different beers your pub has to offer. You will even like some and wonder if you can get it at home.
10. Sometimes the exchange rate sucks...and sometimes it doesn't.
11. The only benefit to checking your luggage is the ability to carry more then 3 ounces of some liquid product.
12. You must take off your shoes, belt and jacket to pass security. If you are smart, you will put your keys and cell phone through the scanner too. Have this ready by the time you get to the scanner and you will go through faster.
13. Of course there will be a moron in front of you who just doesn't get it.
14. The TSA makes exceptions for no one....and I mean NO ONE!
15. Take pictures...lots of pictures. Keep some foreign currency. Buy a souvenir or two, even if it is just a postcard.
16. Don't be afraid to try something new. You may really enjoy bungee jumping after all. Same goes with the food. You are better off trying the food then not. Your host will be grateful you tried it and admit you don't like it then not trying it at all. And you just might be surprised and find you really like it.
17. Please and thank you are universal and you should make sure you say them properly. For example, in Thailand when you say "thank you" you must also put your hands together like you are praying and bow your head.
18. In Europe, when you are clinging glasses and shouting "cheers" (salu, ect.) you should look your table mates in the eye or you will offend them.
19. In Finland, it’s ok to be quite and not talk. There are no awkward silences.
20. Be proud of where you hail from. You may not like the politics or current administration but always be proud of where you come from. You can apploize for your leader(s) and the actions but never apologize for being proud of the country you are from...ever. Remember, men and women died so you can bitch and complain about your country.

I ate Rudolph...

for dinner. We were treated to a "traditional" Finish dinner last night. We started off with a thick carrot soup (like tomato soup) with a milk foam topping. I looked like an orange cappuccino! But it was quite good. Our appetizers consisted of lots of fish. I did try the white fish tar tare and the wild mushroom pilaf. There was also pork dish on coleslaw and rye. Very tasty. We drank apple wine (not my cup of and Fin beer. For dinner, Scott and I shared reindeer. It was rather meaty, very tender and not too bad. It did kind of taste like filet mignon. But the meaty taste was slightly heavier then cow meat. The dinner plate consisted of reindeer filets and reindeer meatloaf (not the Fin name!). The meatloaf was also mixed with wild mushrooms. Again, it tasted like hamburger meatloaf with a taste slightly heavier then cow meat. All in all, not a bad dinner. After, we hit up a pub and had a few drinks. I was treated to another traditional Fin drink called "Salmiakki Koskenkorva" (no, I can not pronounce it!). For the black licorice lovers, this was the drink to drink. Mind you, it is very strong and I only sipped about half of a shot. I would compare this drink to anise liquor or "Jaggermeister."

I woke up to news the Obama won the presidential race. Hmmm...should make for an interesting return flight home.

In hockey news, the Sharks beat the Wild and Clowe earned himself a "Gordie Howe Hat Trick!" The San Jose Sharks currently have the best record in the NHL! Keep it up and Sharks coach Todd McLellan may be taking another team to the Cup this year. Ohhh...that would be a dream come true! ;)

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Blogging in Finland

I finally have an internet connection again. Actually, I could have had one in London but is would have cost me 5 pounds an hour. That translates to about $10. The exchange rate was horrible and I did not buy many souvenirs.

Ok, here is a run down of our weekend in London. Pictures will follow once Scott takes them off his camera.

We left Hitchen Friday night and took a train to London. We hoped a Tube to our hotel. We stayed in a lovely hotel with a great restaurant/ pub. On Saturday morning, we walked over to Westminster Abbey and saw the London Eye. We bought tickets for a bus tour and hopped on a bus. We first saw the Tower Bridge and took a tour of the Tower of London. At the Tower of London we visited the Crown Jewels. They are amazing and the actual stones are huge! The torture tower was eerie. We hoped a ferry back to Westminster Abbey and then onto a tour bus going another direction. We passed St. Paul’s Chapel and Hyde Park. Hungry, we got off again and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe. Mmmmm...Did I mention I love their Twisted Mac and Cheese?! We shopped at the cafe store and then called it a night. By this hour, the tour bus stopped running so we walked in the cold rain back to our hotel. No worries though, we got a pint of beer and warmed up fast! On Sunday, we were back on the tour bus and passed through the shopping district as well and the most expense part of London. We hopped off the bus and walked to Buckingham Palace. With 700 rooms and 60 bathrooms, this palace is just amazing. There are no words to describe just how majestic the palace is. I also took a picture with a palace guard who was just still as can be. We wondered through London and stopped for fish and chips and a pint. Finally, we walked passed Big Ben and right back to our hotel. I should mention that on the bus tour we saw the Millennium Bridge, the London Bridge, crossed the Thames a few times and many other sites! London is quite neat and I am so very glad Scott brought me with him. I would provide links to all this but I am totally jet lag right now.

Now we are in Finland. Talk about being jet lag. It gets dark early here and we are 2 hours ahead of London. To put it in perspective, it is 4:26 a.m. (and very early Tuesday morning) in California and 12:26 p.m. in London and 2:26 p.m. in Finland. Oh yeah and it is almost dark in now. It’s very cold here and we haven't done much of anything yet. Scott and I flew in, checked in with the office and he took a look at the work he will tackle. Then, we checked into the hotel, ate a very pricy dinner and off sleep. I expect Scott to put in a full day here at the office. I wouldn't mind if I could sing out loud! Hopefully we will get to explore before we head back home. BTW, $1 = .79 Euros! Another suck exchange rate. :(