Wednesday, December 31, 2008

C'mon 2009

2009 has got to be better then 2008. I mean, 2008 wasn't that bad...except its another year down and no baby. But, all in all, 2008 saw me make some changes for the better to my life. I got back into working out and I am eating so much healthier. At the very of end of '08, I reconnected with some childhood friends. I took a stand against my family and verbalized that I am removing myself from the family drama. The co-worker and I got along better and have been able to really work together. Scott and I (and DSS) traveled and saw so many wonderful places.

But for 2009, I want to be ready to start my IVF. I can not wait. I need this to fall into place. I need my IVF to work. I am so looking forward to being a mom. I am so looking forward to getting pregnant in 2009.

I hope that my fellow IF'ers and I will achieve a healthy pregnancy and become mommies in 2009. It has got to be a better year.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Snarky post, Part 2

Ok, after rereading my "snarky" post today, I realize it wasn't as snarky as I thought it was. After all, I was in a pissy mood when I wrote. See, I have blogged about assvise and the people who love to give it before, so I felt pretty damned irritated when I wrote this blog. I got one of those Christmas questions emails that get passed around. One of the questions was "what do you want for Christmas?" I answered honestly with "a baby." I hit the reply all button and off the email was sent. Well, a former co-worker, who I haven't had contact with for years, was on that list. Obviously, she was surprised that I am no longer with my ex. She also noticed that I am now in a new relationship and wanting a baby with Scott. She responds with "just relax and don't try so will happen. Besides you're not even married so maybe it won't happen until you get married. "Any-who,"* good luck with the baby thing. Try taking a vacation, it always worked for me. My wonderful daughter and her hubby are going to start trying soon...maybe you can give each other some tips. Also, try not think too much about it, enjoy being child free since kids change your life so much, and it will all happen according to God's plan."

Now, I pretty much copied and pasted her email to me here...took out some names and added an asterisk. She always said "any-who" and would add about five seconds of oouuuuuuu onto it when she talked. It would sound like eennnyyywhouuuuuu. Annoyed the shit out me!

I choose not to respond to her email. I was going to send her a link to or something like that but realized she truly believes what she is saying. So blogged instead.

2 things

Why do people say you have a frog in your throat when you are horse?

The snark post will be edited (hey, I gotta at least check for typo's) and published sometime today. Not that I am in a snarky mood...yet.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

No tittle

I just wrote and published a long post on the assvise people give to ttcers. After I read it however, I realized two things. First is that I have blogged about this before. I can't control what people are going to say but I can control my reaction. Second, I realized this post was super snarky and down right rude. Well, I blame that on PMS and the fact that I am hungry...and sick too. Wonderful! So for now, I am removing the snarky, assvise post but will save it. How knows, maybe one day I will want to post something snarky just because I can..and I will post it.

Are you filled with suspense now?

Don't try so hard - the snarky post

nothing will happen. I got a "just relax and don't try so'll get pregnant if you stop thinking/ obsessing about it" from someone.

So, I decided to break this little comment down. Let's start with "just relax." Believe it or not, I am relaxed. I get massages when the tension gets to be too much. I will treat myself to a little retail therapy if my bank account says it is ok to and if all else fails, I hide and indulge in a good cry. It is hard to explain to people why this comment stings so if people look at me and think my panties are in perpetual bunch when it comes to ttcing. For the record, I try not to wear panties if I can get away with it so no my panties are not in a bunch, thank you very much! To imply that I am doing something wrong and that I am so tensed up is ludicrous. Sure, as a human living in the real world, I have stress in my life. Sure, after trying for so long, I am stressed that it will never happen. But, that is human. Any person (woman?) who has been having rather regular and unprotected intercourse with her mate/ partner/ husband/ boyfriend/ insert your own damn title would wonder WTF! And that would probably cause that person to stress. Tis a simple fact of life and don't tell me that you would not be slightly stressed if you were in my shoes.

Now onto the "don't try so hard." I can't help but wonder if I am suppose to lay like a cold fish during sex? Or if we are not supposed have sex, because well, its the sex that most people assume cause a pregnancy. Maybe, I am supposed to avoid the big O? Really, this statement is crazy since I am not sure what I am supposed to do or not do to avoid "trying so hard." Can someone enlighten me?

Finally, "you'll get pregnant if you stop thinking/ obsessing so much." This is actually my favorite. Honestly people, I do taxes for a living. Do you think I spend every moment of every day thinking about getting pregnant. That would make for a poorly prepared tax return...don't you think? When I am working out, I am actually focused on my workout. I could give you example after example like this. Of course, if I stop thinking about ttc and getting pregnant, then I am thinking too negatively and that's bad too. So where is that fine line? If I think about it, then I am over thinking ttc and if I don't then I am think too negative. And all that negative thinking is also causing me to not get pregnant. As a result, I am unsure of how time I am supposed to think about ttc before I cross that "thinking/ obsessed so much" line and how little I am supposed to think before I get to the "thinking negative" line. And since this line is invisible, I think I am screwed in the whole thinking arena.

If you stop and think about it, assvise from "just relax" to "you're obsessed" do more then just sting. I think for me, it makes me feel like some kind psychotic failure. I can relax...but not be too relaxed. I can't figure out how to not "try so hard" and maybe that's my problem (oh, if you could see my eyes roll) and figure out how much to think or not not to think.

Other things I don't want to hear: "pray"; "it's God's plan"; "why don't you just adopt?"; and another personal favorite of mine "maybe its not happening because your not married." Uh, thanks. Now who's thinking too much about it and being negative? I have prayed, begged and pleaded with me on this. I am sure that is God's plan for me to have babies...that's why I was born a female. I don't want to adopt and I don't have to explain why to anyone. As for the whole married part, well, lets just say there are a lot of unwed crack whores popping out babies so I am not buying that dumb ass assvise one bit.

More on Christmas and stuff

Christmas day was not as hard as Christmas Eve. I mean, I sat and watched Scott's kids open gifts and what not. I could almost imagine our child on Christmas day, opening gifts and laughing. I guess I was able to deal with it by detaching myself emotionally from the events of the day. I took no joy watching the kids open their gifts or sharing dinner with them. It sucks because I know that Scott loves his kids but they just don't come around or visit or even call. Where is the respect? I reminded myself that I am not their mother and that when I have kids of my own, I will try to raise them to respect their elders; instill into them the joy of gift giving and raise them appreciate what they do have. I also remind myself that they are adult children and are not obligated to be respectful anymore have lives of their own.

Of course I was tickled pink that AF did not show up on Christmas day. I looked back at my chart and realized that I would probably get a visit from AF this weekend. Actually, in a perfect world,AF would be here today, I would be pregnant but... this throwing me all off. I planned my tax season around my first IVF consult. I was planning on starting stims when my first post tax season cycle started. Based on my perfectly planned out schedule, I need AF to show by April 19, 2009 in order to start IVF post tax season. I know that this would push my due date to December-ish and not give me much time to be home with my new baby before the start of a new tax season. And I really know that I have got to stop planning my life around tax season but my job is my bread and butter. I need my job. The wait until after April 15th to start IVf is already killing me emotionally. I just don't want any other delays. I don't care who will be at my house or who wants us to visit. MY IVF Will Come First or I Will Freaking Die!!! This cycle has to work out. Please God, if you are reading my blog or listening to me...I need this work out just right.

I hate the whole out of control feeling ttc tosses into your life. I know that it is impossible to control every aspect of your life and that once you toss in a kid, that ability to plan and control as much as possible will get tossed out the window. But I hate not having a plan. Even if I have to deviate from my plan(s), having some semblance of a plan is better then nothing. I always joke that I am an Aquarius and "fly by the seat off my pants." It is true that I am flighty and can be rather spontaneous but that I just all a part of my appear spontaneous. LOL!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

3 Years+

OMG! I thought I coud do this...that I could get through this day without thinking about the fact that it has been more then 3 years since I started ttc. But here I am...and it is almost midnight and all of a sudden it hit me. 3 years and change and I am still not a mommy....not even close. God, all I want is to be a mom. I am so sad right now that I can not even put words on my sadness. Scott is running around...doing something and I am holding back tears. I have no words to describe this...but I know others in my position will know what I am talking about. I never imagined this would be so hard...or that I would be crying these tears.

Merry Christmas Ya'll

I am still slightly "bah humbug" but looking forward to my parents and brothers coming over tonight. I don't spend much time with my younger brothers. One lives in San Diego and the other with the 'rents still.

I looked at my FF chart and realized that tomorrow, I will be only on CD 27 so I can expect a PMS'y day but no AF. I am going to use that as an excuse to drink as much hot chocolate as I can...and maybe eat some too. ;)

I wish the very best of holidays to everyone out there. May your day be blessed and the end of your year be filled with joy.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

How long till Christmas?

I can not believe it is almost Christmas. Where has time gone? I am slightly in better Christmas spirit then I have been. I think I even got caught humming a Christmas tune. I blame it on the commercials on tv for playing Christmas music.

Last Friday, we had a delightful dinner (pizza and beer!) date with some friends. M/E and ABW from this post and another couple. I will call the DH of this couple CC (for conservative cook) and DW will be called TG (for tea girl). I have to say that I love CC and TG. The conversation is always great, even if slightly political. I guess since CC and I have a lot of the same views, I feel more of an equal when I talk to him. This couple is so down to earth though and just super easy to be around. They also love DSS and always look forward to visiting with him. This dinner was different then previous get togethers with M/E and ABW. ABW and I spent some time alone just talking and sharing "war stories." She also told me how it is extremely obvious how much Scott loves me (yeah!) and how should would be happy if we were to change the status of our relationship (double yeah!).

Now, why is this important? See, Scott gave to me a beautiful diamond. I have been telling people that it may look like an engagement ring, smell like an engagement ring and probably even tastes like an engagement ring. But it's not. I have been admittedly worried about changing the status of our relationship from "boyfriend/ girlfriend" to "engaged." I do love Scott and do plan to spend the rest of life with him. I am not sure that I need the status change to let the world know that I plan to stay with Scott literally until death do us part. (BTW, he is soooo busted if he dies before me ;)) So, I haven't been wearing my ring (which I do wear on that all important finger) out when we are hanging with our friends. I know that people's eyes will automatically look at it and they assume that congrats are needed. But, I think that is about to change. I have decided I will wear it proudly now and if people says "congratulations" I will say "thank you" and let it be. If they want to know if we are engaged, I am going to say "I plan to spend my life with Scott and to me to be engaged is just a fancy way of saying that. I am not into formal or fancy so I am not saying we are engaged." (Or some variation of that.) And the people who know me best will know that I am not lying when I say that I am not into formal or fancy.

Boy, that got wordy. Oh, and forgot to mention however, that until DSS is a little older, I think I will still not wear it out and about when we have DSS. I mean, I don't want to confuse the poor kid. At least for now. After a while, people will stop noticing the ring and stop pointing it out and saying something and then I will feel more comfortable wearing to when we have DSS and gatherings to attend.

Back to Christmas now. I am done shopping and have to do some wrapping. Drama has reared it's ugly head in my family so I am not sure about our plans yet. One of these days drama and Aunt Flo are going to have to take a long vacation together. Very long to a very far away place. I think I am due for a little visit from Aunt Flo on Christmas Day (my favorite present) so I really don't want a visit with Drama too.

Merry Christmas everyone! I think I naughty with just enough nice to get a little something-something from my Santa! ;)

Friday, December 19, 2008

The News

Today I was measured for my final post boot camp results. I must say, I think I can "toot my own horn!" BTW, my "start" measurements, with the exception of my weight were taken 10/19/08

Start weight: 121
Current Weight: 115

Measurements (start):

Neck: 12.5
Right arm: 10.75
Flexed: 10.75
Chest: 33 (this will always fluctuate due to my cycle)
Shoulder 39.5
Waist: 32 to start, 29.75 on 10-19-08
Hips: 38.5
Right upper leg: 22.75
Right leg: 17.75
Calf: 12.75

Measurement (Today):

Neck: 12.25 (-.25)
Right Arm: 10.5 (-.25)
Flexed: 11 (+.25) - Does this mean I actually have some muscle?
Chest: 32.5 (See my chest note above)
Shoulder: 37.5 - Yes, this means I am toning up my upper arms, back! (-2)
Waist: 29 Holy shit!! 3 full inches in 13 weeks. Sweet!!!
Hips: 37.5 (-1)
Right upper leg: 22 (-.75)
Right leg: 17.5 (-.25)
Calf: 12.5 (-.25)

Total inches lost 5.5!

Also, I previously blogged my butt/hips measurement was 36, but I was wrong. I am looking at my first measurement and apparently is was 39. So technically, I also lost 1.5 inches off my butt.
Wowsers. Oh and my timed mile? Yeah, ran it in less then 10 minutes...9 minutes and 29 seconds! Woot! My push up test...very bad. I actually did less then ever. I am blaming it on the ugly bruise (and might I add, mystery bruise) on my left palm.

Now, I have to keep up my portion control, limit my sweets intake and keep going to the gym. I think I can, I think I can.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Random Thoughts

1. Don't tell me I am getting sick...just don't even think it.
2. Seriously, it is colder then cold at 5:30 in the morning.
3. I miss eating carbs.
4. Baklava is not low carb.
5. I ordered a low carb burger at Carl's Jr. with only the meat, cheese and jalapenos. I did not ask for the meal...just the burger. I should have realized your mistake when you gave me a cup but I didn't. French fries are not low carbs. It is cruel and unusual punishment to give a person on a low carb diet a bag filled with fries.
6. I only ate 4 and tossed the rest. I am sooooo proud of my extreme will power.
7. Now I am craving carbs even more then ever.
8. Favoritism, lack of discipline, and divorce can really fuck a kid up. So can letting your adopted child have lots of contact with the bio-mom, a drug addict, alcoholic with zero parenting skills.
9. I don't want to shop for stocking stuffers.
10. Wait, is my boss coming down with something too?
11. I can't fucking believe that the hockey game was not televised...again! GRRR!
12. I can not fucking believe we lost tonight in overtime.
13. I am soooooo crying over the fish sticks right now.
14. Hockey makes me cuss.
15. I am not ashamed of my "hockey mouth."
16. I really want a crackberry...I mean blackberry.
17. My dinner was awesome...and low carb!
18. Maybe I am not sick...just hurting.
19. I really hate having arthritis.
20. But have lived with it for over 1/2 of my now I deal with it.
21. My gyn and my neuro docs are the best...the very best.

I was going to stop at 20 but I had to mention my low carb and yummy dinner. We had Omaha hamburger patties, bbq'ed with pepper jack cheese on top. I fried bacon strips that I cut into small bites. After the bacon was brown and crispy, I added in dices (fresh) mushrooms, a small bit of red onion and sauteed them all together. Drain some oil and add thawed chopped spinach. I turned the heat to a low simmer and let it mix together until it was time to serve. I mixed it a lot in the beginning and then put the lid on it and let it sit. Very good!

2 days until the end of boot camp. Stay tuned for my final results.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Stolen but looked so much fun!

I "stole" this from Nancy:~ Link to the person who tagged you.~ Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.~ Tag 7 random people at the end but I'm not going to tag anyone. Do if it you want to. Well, I am doing this becuase it looked fun.

1. I hate odd numbers. When I am in my car, my car radio volume has to be on an even number or it will drive me crazy. The whole odd/ even number thing applies to many areas in my life.

2. When I am walking with someone, I have to be on the same foot they are on. I mentally say right, left, right, left when I walk with someone and will change my step so we are matching.

3. I really don't have a favorate anything.

4. I love pork rinds...and I am not ashamed to admit it.

5. I talk to my tax returns when I am preparing them...all the time.

6. The majority of my clothes in my closet and dresser drawers are black.

7. I have about 100 cousins...and don't know more then half of them. I am talking about first mom's and dad's siblings kids.

Monday, December 8, 2008


I was waiting to post since I wanted my 100th post to be witty...or something. But then I realized that I am just not blogging since I am waiting for the "perfect 100th post topic."

Christmas is rapidly approaching. I am looking forward to spending time with the family...and hopefully avoiding any drama. I think I am almost done Christmas shopping and what not. Very cool!

Boot camp is underway and we have completed week one. I am really enjoying this camp and find myself pushing as much as I can. I know I keep saying it but this probably will be my last boot camp. I am in save mode to save money for IVF. I can't believe how damned expensive IVF is.

I can't believe that I have nothing to blog about...what's up with that?! I think the pre-holiday party stress has me in a funk.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I am thankful

Tomorrow is thanksgiving and while I am looking forward to the turkey and the sides I realize that I have so much to be thankful for in my life.

1. I am thankful for my wonderful boyfriend. I am thankful we have a loving relationship.

2. I am thankful that I have such a loving bond with Scott's son. I would be devastated to be "dad's horrible/ wicked/ ugly/ mean/ you name your foul description" girlfriend.

3. I am thankful for my job and Scott's job and for the simple fact that we have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.

4. I am thankful for my family and friends. Sure, they aren't perfect and there is always some drama but they are MY family and friends and I love them.

5. I am thankful that infertility has not destroyed my relationship with Scott. It has not destroyed my soul. It has not killed me. I hate infertility but I am a stronger women because of it.

6. I am thankful for my health. My health may not be perfect but I am alive and I can enjoy my life.

7. I am thankful for my online friends and support system. I wish we could have met under different circumstances but I am glad to know them none the less. I wish we weren't all in the same infertility boat but I am so glad to support them and have them to support me too.

I know there is so much more to be thankful for and I know that the instant I hit "publish post" they will come to mind. But, I wanted to share the few things.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 24, 2008

The tell-tale signs

Today is November 24th and oddly enough it is also cd 24 for me. I noticed around lunchtime today that I had that tell-tale backache...and cramps. Sigh! I figured that af will make you way to my house near the end of the month...and honestly, I am not a bit surprised. Unlike last cycle I had no clue when or if I even ovulated this cycle. Last cycle, my body worked like it was supposed from af to O to af again. I was hopeful but more then anything excited that my body worked without the help of fertility medications. This cycle was back to my usual, whacked out, I am not sure that my body did what it's supposed to do cycle. I am quite certain that my healthy, lo-cal eating habits and 5 to 7 day a week workout forced my body to behave. Since, we left the country twice this month, my healthy eating habits and workouts have been missing. Oh well, I am back on the workout track and will do my best to eat better...until thanksgiving when I am not sure I will be able to control my turkey intake.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Cruising (on a sunday afternoon?)

Back from the cruise finally and somewhat caught up and now I am ready to blog! My first cruise was a memorable experience. Scott and I packed our house to be tented for termites and then off to the airport. We flew down to San Diego and hopped onto our boat, the Carnival Elation. Our first few hours on the boat, and we ate...and drank...and ate some more. Fast forward to Sunday and our first full day at sea (lets call it day 1). We worked out and attended a few "health" seminars. This of course took place between eating. We also attended the captain's message and watched a show.

Day two landed us in Cabo San Lucas. Oh, how I love Mexico. We skipped any excursions and walked over the Hard Rock Cafe. We enjoyed a day of more eating and drinking before hitting Hooters and back to the boat. Boy, did I enjoy my nap that evening before dinner. ;)

Day three was a "fun day at sea." I "forced" Scott to taking disco dance lessons with me! That evening we also attended a repeat cruisers event (Scott is a repeat cruiser) and got to take pictures with our captain. After dinner, we went to a bar to hear great 70's and 80's music. I danced in circles around Scott and had such a great time. I like the night life...I love to boogie...I am a dancing, dancing, dancing machine...I like to shake my groove thang. Ok, you get the point! I love dancing. We left the bar when the cigarette smoke got to bad and walked smack into the "Air Guitar" contest. They were looking for a judge so I volunteered. It was totally funny and the other judges and I had alot of fun.

Day four was the day we hit up Enseneda. We visited a "casino" and got a few free margarita's. Following the "casino" visit, we got a wine "tour" and did a wine "tasting." Then we went into town to shop. Once again, we stopped at a few places and ate fish taco's. We stopped at a place called Mango Mango's and I got to do some more dancing. We shopped around some and finally reboarded the boat.

The night before I took off my motion sickness patch and felt really bad on night of Day four. I was feeling every little roll and wave. We packed up after dinner and got ready to return to reality. That was the only bad thing about the cruise. Our wait staff at dinner was great as was the maitre'd. Our waiter took the time to point out all the vegetarian meals to me and brought out the captain's choice wine list to Scott every night. Our table mates were fun to talk to and we always enjoyed sharing stories about our day. When we had "formal" night, Scott and I were more of a casual formal as opposed to totally formal. But, we did not get any pictures together with our camera. :(

I will post links to the pictures once Scott publishes them to his site.

It was a great starter (practice) cruise but I am so glad to be home. I am actually looking forward to this Thanksgiving and eating some turkey. Gooble, gooble!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Boot Camp redo

Today I finished my second full boot camp. I did not get measured so I am not sure if I lost any inches or any weight. But I did improve once again on my timed mile run! I am down to 11.35 for a mile and up to 40 push ups.

After boot camp, we all went to coffee. One of the ladies (J) was asking about my IVF. We talked for a while and then she told me her and her DH had to use IVF to conceive their son. J asked which clinic I was using and when I told her she was very excited. She used them too. She had nothing but great things to say about the clinic. While we were talking another women came up to me and said she over heard J and I talking. She told me her and her DH tried for along time too and finally took the IVF route too. I am not sure what her outcome was or any other details. J and I commented that when you are going through IVF, you can feel very alone. You know other women are suffering from IF too but you just don't know who until you start talking about it. It was just amazing that 2 of my fellow boot campers suffered IF.

Thank you everyone who poped on here to support me yesterday. I am forever grateful for the wonderful people who I have met on the various IF message boards. I really appreciate it! I was pretty down yesterday but today is a new day. I am leaving to go on my first ever cruise tomorrow and I am so excited! Not to mention that I love Mexico and we will be cruising down to Mexico. Whoo Hooo! And when we get back our house should be termite free. Yes!!!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

3 years and no baby

3 years ago today was my true cd1. I was off the pill and ready to start baby making. I jumped into ttcing with all the gusto of a new ttcer. I temped and charted. I spent many hours reading all the books. I joined message boards. I studied my cp and cm religiously.

I knew then that it wouldn't happen "right away" and that maybe I would have "some" troubles. My cycles were a little irregular post birth control. But, I naively assumed that within 6 months I would be pregnant.

After 6 months of trying (and 3 painful UTI's) I went to my doctor. She ordered cd3 labs and cd21 labs. That was the start of the madness.

2 lap and thousands of dollars (and tears!) later, and I am still not a mom. I am not even close. Today is one of those days that IVF seems so far away. I wonder if I will be an insane, mad woman by the time we start our IVF.

Hey, at least I got out of bed today...right?!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I have been hearted!

Elephantscanemember hearted me! I am so very excited to be hearted. I count Sherry as a fellow ttc and infertility warrior. I love to read her blog and hope for many great things to come her way.

Here are the Rules:
1. The winner can put the logo on his/her blog.
2. Link the person from whom you received your award.
3. Nominate at least seven other blogs
4. Put links of those blogs on yours, and
5. Leave a message on the blogs that you've nominated!
I will nominate:
2. Mrs. Steps at Baby Steps to Baby Shoes
5. Yoda's Mistress at We are What We Repeatedly Do
6. Water Bishop at An Older Version
7. TomKat at the Unlikely Life to deliver some happy news!

Some links to pictures

As promised, you can see out UK (well, London only) trip photo's here. I would post the photos we have of Hitchin and Helsinki but since they are also filled with pictures of Scott's co-workers I decided not to.


The countdown begins

Count down #1. Thursday will by my 3 year ttc-versary. I am not looking forward to it yet this date keeps popping up in my mind. I feel like its a bad movie. There is this day and no matter what I can not avoid that day. I can not deny that this day will be a hard day for me. I can't get over it or stop thinking about it. This day is a very real part of me and has made me be the women I am today.

Yoda's Mistress put it in such perfect word that I am going to quote her. She said, "I can't help but wonder: is it possible that the most painful aspect of infertility is not that I can't conceive but rather just simply that I can't???" OMG! I have had that thought floating in the back of my mind for a while now. I know that self doubt is not good so I have been pushing them back and telling myself it is natural to feel this way.

Count down #2. On Friday, I will get remeasured after finishing another boot camp. I am not feeling very hopeful since I took a week and a half off of working out to go to the UK and Finland. But, I am extremely proud of myself (given the number of beers I consumed) that I did not gain any weight (not even a pound) while out of the country. Yes! I am not certain that I will do any better on the timed tests on Friday but I will show up and do my best.

Count down #3. We will be leaving on our cruise on Saturday. I am so excited. My very first cruise. Ohh..and I love Mexico. Seriously, I could retire there!

Count down #4. I am rapidly approaching my 100th post here on my blog. So cool man! I never realized that I had so much to say...about the same topic.

I was considering making a ticker for the start of IVF or the amount of $$$$ I have saved toward this IVF. But for some odd reason, I haven't had the will power to do so. I think it is the true unknowns that are preventing me from doing so. I mean, we have a price range and a start time frame but nothing is set in stone yet. But I also feel like having a ticker will make it seem less far away then not. Saying we will start sometime after April 15th seems so vague and oddly far away.

Here is a great picture that Scott took of us a few weeks back. Let's hope that I can post it without it being too big.

I wanted to post this picture since I love it! And...I love Scott too. ;)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I tried not to talk about it

I have been forcing myself to limit talk about IF. IF is truly a life consuming event. But, I guess my blog would not be complete if I did not talk about IF.

A few weeks ago, we (dbf, dss and I) went to a birthday party. The host and hostess had 2 beautiful babies. I was stuffing my face (what else is new?) when a very pregnant lady walks into my view. I stuffed some food into my mouth and looked at Scott with that "deer in headlights" look. He just laughed at me. Thanks buddy!

While vacationing in the UK and Finland, I purposely adverted my eyes when I saw a pregnant women or a new baby. I did a pretty good job about not sighing or grunting (yes, I grunt) when I saw a big, pregnant belly.

While in the Finland office with Scott, a co-worker of his opened a gift. It was a baby gift. I looked up right as he was pulling a cute little baby outfit. I could feel my cheeks turning bright red. My heart was pounding this painful, hurting strumming in my chest. I looked over at Scott (again) and this time he said sorry.

The icing on the cake is these odd baby and pregnancy dreams I have been having. I dreamed that I was on a plane and we had really bad turbulence. I was sitting with another mom and we put our babies in the middle of us. I also dreamed that I was at my mom's with Scott and mr. butthead ex showed up and tried to take my baby. Later in my dream, I was at Target and I lost my baby somewhere in the store. I also dreamed that I was very pregnant and was having horrible contractions. God, these dreams just kill me. I know these dreams are a stress reaction. The fact that I have traveled too many time zones in a short amount of time and my sleep is all off isn't helping. Avoiding pregnant women and babies is also contributing to my stress and odd dreams too.

I really thought I was doing good. I faithfully read my ART book and made a huge list of questions to ask regarding IVF. In one week, it will be my 3 year ttc-versary. I was really hoping to be pregnant on that day. I was hoping I could look IF in the face and laugh. But, given that AF just left the building that won't be happening.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Things I learned while traveling

1. Toilet seat covers are truly an American thing.
2. Thailand, you really do have to bring your own toilet paper wherever you go.
3. Beijing’s airport has the world’s cleanest least right before the Olympics.
4. The toilets really do flush "the other way" in Australia and the stalls in the airport bathrooms are small...very small.
5. Don't drink the tap water...Ever. JUST DON'T DRINK IT! Drink beer instead.
6. Indian food is the national food of the UK. There is just nothing appealing about liver and kidney pie. Nothing!
7. Finland is not a vegetarian paradise.
8. If you order spicy food in Thailand beware it will be spicy. Very spicy.
9. It not unusual to find yourself trying all the different beers your pub has to offer. You will even like some and wonder if you can get it at home.
10. Sometimes the exchange rate sucks...and sometimes it doesn't.
11. The only benefit to checking your luggage is the ability to carry more then 3 ounces of some liquid product.
12. You must take off your shoes, belt and jacket to pass security. If you are smart, you will put your keys and cell phone through the scanner too. Have this ready by the time you get to the scanner and you will go through faster.
13. Of course there will be a moron in front of you who just doesn't get it.
14. The TSA makes exceptions for no one....and I mean NO ONE!
15. Take pictures...lots of pictures. Keep some foreign currency. Buy a souvenir or two, even if it is just a postcard.
16. Don't be afraid to try something new. You may really enjoy bungee jumping after all. Same goes with the food. You are better off trying the food then not. Your host will be grateful you tried it and admit you don't like it then not trying it at all. And you just might be surprised and find you really like it.
17. Please and thank you are universal and you should make sure you say them properly. For example, in Thailand when you say "thank you" you must also put your hands together like you are praying and bow your head.
18. In Europe, when you are clinging glasses and shouting "cheers" (salu, ect.) you should look your table mates in the eye or you will offend them.
19. In Finland, it’s ok to be quite and not talk. There are no awkward silences.
20. Be proud of where you hail from. You may not like the politics or current administration but always be proud of where you come from. You can apploize for your leader(s) and the actions but never apologize for being proud of the country you are from...ever. Remember, men and women died so you can bitch and complain about your country.

I ate Rudolph...

for dinner. We were treated to a "traditional" Finish dinner last night. We started off with a thick carrot soup (like tomato soup) with a milk foam topping. I looked like an orange cappuccino! But it was quite good. Our appetizers consisted of lots of fish. I did try the white fish tar tare and the wild mushroom pilaf. There was also pork dish on coleslaw and rye. Very tasty. We drank apple wine (not my cup of and Fin beer. For dinner, Scott and I shared reindeer. It was rather meaty, very tender and not too bad. It did kind of taste like filet mignon. But the meaty taste was slightly heavier then cow meat. The dinner plate consisted of reindeer filets and reindeer meatloaf (not the Fin name!). The meatloaf was also mixed with wild mushrooms. Again, it tasted like hamburger meatloaf with a taste slightly heavier then cow meat. All in all, not a bad dinner. After, we hit up a pub and had a few drinks. I was treated to another traditional Fin drink called "Salmiakki Koskenkorva" (no, I can not pronounce it!). For the black licorice lovers, this was the drink to drink. Mind you, it is very strong and I only sipped about half of a shot. I would compare this drink to anise liquor or "Jaggermeister."

I woke up to news the Obama won the presidential race. Hmmm...should make for an interesting return flight home.

In hockey news, the Sharks beat the Wild and Clowe earned himself a "Gordie Howe Hat Trick!" The San Jose Sharks currently have the best record in the NHL! Keep it up and Sharks coach Todd McLellan may be taking another team to the Cup this year. Ohhh...that would be a dream come true! ;)

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Blogging in Finland

I finally have an internet connection again. Actually, I could have had one in London but is would have cost me 5 pounds an hour. That translates to about $10. The exchange rate was horrible and I did not buy many souvenirs.

Ok, here is a run down of our weekend in London. Pictures will follow once Scott takes them off his camera.

We left Hitchen Friday night and took a train to London. We hoped a Tube to our hotel. We stayed in a lovely hotel with a great restaurant/ pub. On Saturday morning, we walked over to Westminster Abbey and saw the London Eye. We bought tickets for a bus tour and hopped on a bus. We first saw the Tower Bridge and took a tour of the Tower of London. At the Tower of London we visited the Crown Jewels. They are amazing and the actual stones are huge! The torture tower was eerie. We hoped a ferry back to Westminster Abbey and then onto a tour bus going another direction. We passed St. Paul’s Chapel and Hyde Park. Hungry, we got off again and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe. Mmmmm...Did I mention I love their Twisted Mac and Cheese?! We shopped at the cafe store and then called it a night. By this hour, the tour bus stopped running so we walked in the cold rain back to our hotel. No worries though, we got a pint of beer and warmed up fast! On Sunday, we were back on the tour bus and passed through the shopping district as well and the most expense part of London. We hopped off the bus and walked to Buckingham Palace. With 700 rooms and 60 bathrooms, this palace is just amazing. There are no words to describe just how majestic the palace is. I also took a picture with a palace guard who was just still as can be. We wondered through London and stopped for fish and chips and a pint. Finally, we walked passed Big Ben and right back to our hotel. I should mention that on the bus tour we saw the Millennium Bridge, the London Bridge, crossed the Thames a few times and many other sites! London is quite neat and I am so very glad Scott brought me with him. I would provide links to all this but I am totally jet lag right now.

Now we are in Finland. Talk about being jet lag. It gets dark early here and we are 2 hours ahead of London. To put it in perspective, it is 4:26 a.m. (and very early Tuesday morning) in California and 12:26 p.m. in London and 2:26 p.m. in Finland. Oh yeah and it is almost dark in now. It’s very cold here and we haven't done much of anything yet. Scott and I flew in, checked in with the office and he took a look at the work he will tackle. Then, we checked into the hotel, ate a very pricy dinner and off sleep. I expect Scott to put in a full day here at the office. I wouldn't mind if I could sing out loud! Hopefully we will get to explore before we head back home. BTW, $1 = .79 Euros! Another suck exchange rate. :(

Friday, October 31, 2008

"His Panic"

Waiting to board our flight out of SFO, I noticed there was a section on the plane ticket to complete. It asked for nationality, emergency contact name and phone number. Now, I tend to confuse "nationality" with "ethnicity" quite often. For the line that said nationality, I intended to write in Hispanic (my ethnicity). Instead I wrote His (space) Panic. Yes, I am His Panic. Nice! I looked at my ticket after completing it and bust out laughing. I could not believe that I wrote in the words His Panic. I showed the ticket to DBF who got a good laugh. He looked at his ticket and wondered if he should fill in "Her Panic" for his nationality. BTW, yes we are both American.

We were finally able to check into our hotel last night. We got our room key and walked across the courtyard to our room (BTW, is left and right switched in the UK?) and proceed to open the door and see our room...with a single bed. Now, I am all for being cozy in bed and sleeping close Scott at night but a single bed? Really?!? We went back to front desk and it was suggested they could put a folding bed in the room too. Uh...sure...right. We fight for the center of the bed when we sleep in our California King bed at home. Luckily, we were able to switch to a room that had 2 single beds. Yes, our first night of hotel sex and we slept like Ward and June Cleaver.

We did eat at a wonderful Thai and Indian restaurant last night. I was torn between Thai cuisine and Indian cuisine. After dinner, we walked to a bar/pub of sorts and got a night cap. I love a shot of Amaretto right before bed on a cold night. Not a full glass (and I don't actually shoot the drink) but just a small splash to warm the bones.

This is our last day in Hitchin. We will hop a train and go to London for the weekend and then head out to Helsinki on Monday. I hear it will be even colder there.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Royale with Cheese!

We have landed in the UK. Right now, Scott and I are at his office...going on 27 hours of no real sleep. But it’s all good. Cold...but good. We stopped at McDonalds to grab a bite to eat before coming into the office. Instantly, the scene from "Pulp Fiction" popped into my head.

“Do you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese?” “They don’t call it a quarter pounder with cheese?” “Nah, man, they use the metric system over there. They don’t know what the fuck a quarter pound is!” “So what do they call it then?” “A Royale with Cheese!” “Royale with cheese! What do they call a Big Mac?”

So, we go and yes…you can order a quarter pounder with cheese! The “value” meals that are so darn huge in America are much smaller here in the UK. Actually, it was a good amount of food.

In other news…the girls still hurt. Not as bad as they were hurting but they still hurt. I am also breaking out slightly. This is a sign to me that AF will be showing up here in the UK to join me on this trip. I also got my usual pre-AF cramps. I don’t mind per say since I figured it would be nothing shy of a miracle with end up pregnant using the old fashioned method. But since I have such strong post-o symptoms, I wondered if my body is actually working for a change. Back in the bc days, I would get a terrible headache about a week before af. Sometimes these headaches would turn into migraines and I would be knocked on my butt for a day or so. Well, I would get this headache once in a blue moon during a medicated cycle but never as regular as it was while I was on bc. Well, it got that headache while on the plane ride over here. And I know this headache….it is different from a regular headache. I almost jumped for joy since to me it’s another sign that working out has been doing my body (and hormones good!).

I know that by the end of this trip, I will have many more things to blog about. Since I can’t be certain that I will always have an internet connection here, I will try to blog when I can. Go Sharks!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Sick, sick, sick!

This story talks about a mother who was disappointed about the fact that her second baby was a boy, and not a girl. She goes on to explain she suffered depression, "she wanted to die...she wanted her baby to die."

OMG! You have got to be fucking kidding me. I would love to smack this women upside the head a few times. Does she not realize the miracle of pregnancy? Does she not realize that some women would give anything to have a baby and we don't care what we get?

Sure, she got her some counseling and has learned to love baby #2 to the point that baby #1 feels left out. But she is in despair that she didn't get a girl...and so is her hubby.

D'Oh! How sad. I want to write the columnist and let her know just how sick this made me. I wanted to let her know that she should have responded with "hey, at least you have 2 great kids bitch!" Oh, and she wants to know how to deal with her grief? You have got to be kidding me.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Boot Camp part Dos

Lets see, week 1 of my second full boot camp is over. I am pretty sore and blame that on my having to do extra push ups yesterday due to my tardiness. While doing them, I thought to myself "wouldn't it be funny if every time you were late to something, you had to do push ups?" See, I have this pet peeve: don't be late to your doctors appointment or your hair appointment." I hate waiting for my turn because you were late.

Speaking of hair appointments, I made a minor change to my hair style. I have had the same style for so long and I was ready for something slightly different but not dramatically different. I am fine with changing up the color and so so all the time. (Hey, gotta cover those darn grays!) So, last night I asked my simply wonderful hair gal (and friend) if she could make a small change. She knows that I am trying to grow my hair long (more on this in a moment) and so she suggested some layers and bangs. So know I have some layers and a whispy layer of bangs that are angled cut and fairly long still. It looked so very cute when she flat ironed my hair post color and cut.

Ok the long hair thing! See, I have thick, frizzy hair. It is somewhat heavy and can also appear very fly away. I also have a very oily scalp (thanks pcos) and limited patience when it comes to styling my hair. So usually my hair never grows longer the my shoulders (no really, even if I don't cut it!). I have tried growing it and growing it but it seems to stop growing around shoulder length. Since I have been off birth control and on prenatal vitamins, my hair has gotten slightly longer. This is the length (just passed my shoulders) that I get fed up with the heavy pony tail and frustrated with my lame styling attempts and off it goes. I am amazed that I am sticking to my "honey if you don't shave off your beard, I won't cut my hair" deal.

Ok, back to boot camp. We had our timed test today and I sucked! My mile run actually went up from last test day. But, my push up test was a little better. I was able to do a few more then last test day. All and all, I would say I am getting stronger but my lung capacity (endurance?) hasn't improved one bit. I swear, I sound like a 3 pack a day smoker when I run. I hack and cough and huff and puff and puff some more. I have decided that I have the lung capacity of a rock. But, I really pushed myself today and plan to keep doing so.

PS: the title is boot camp part two for the non-spanish speakers/ readers! ;)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

National Infertility Awareness Week

October 19 to October 25 is "National Infertility Awareness Week." Resolve has some great information about NIAW and infertility in general.

So a topic near and dear to my heart; it gets a week of attention, mainly by other IF'ers but hey! Its a start, right?!

What a condundrum!

"Guys like women who are in shape, toned up and well...not 'thick'," so says one of the "Stepford's" I was talking to this morning during boot camp. She goes on to say, "But, guys don't like girls who workout more then they do, eating little meals, only order salads and talk diet and calories all the time. What's a girl to do?"

So let me explain why I (well, all the boot campers) call this lady a Stepford (think the Stepford wives). She rises super early to make some gourmet, fancy dinner (to serve later in the evening), cleans her house and then styles her hair and apply make up before showing up at 5:30 in the morning for boot camp. And there is a whole group of them...friends either made during boot camp or ladies who knew each other before boot camp. None of these women have visible cellulite....or body fat...or even acne. Yes, I envy them...but I also pity them.

I tell people I am WYSIWYG. (What you see is what you get) I am not a gourmet cook. I told Scott early on that I can make salsa...and a few dishes but that's it. I joke that I am not "domesticated" (yes, I realize the word should be domestic) and that I may be a neat freak, but I hate cleaning.

Guess what? I have cellulite...and body fat...and acne. Although I am happy my body fat dropped to 28.something, its not enough. My weight is healthy but I find myself obsessed with counting calorie and monitoring my fat intake. I am trying to figure out how to work out everyday of the week and how many calories I will burn with each work out.

I can only imagine if I feel this way what my fellow camper (Mrs. Stepford) must be feeling. I feel like she takes all the qualities I don't have (early riser to cook gourmet meals), added the qualities I do have (super clean) and tossed is a great body to get her kind of obsession. If I feel neurotic about getting in shape, she is driving herself batty to stay in shape. Oh yeah...she has kids too and is the PTA! Ok, that part kinda makes me bitter since I fear being a bad mom more then I fear never being a mom.

So what is a girl to do? We (well, some of us) were taught early on in life to always be attractive lest our man goes off and finds himself an attractive woman. We were taught never to talk dieting with our man and it's ok to eat a big meal or even long as we do diet and stay trim. Do women have to be perfect all the time or is skinny, PTA mom, Stepford wife making the regular Jane Doe's out there seem normal. for thought. Uh, make that a salad for thought, hold the tasty but fattening ingredients with a small splash of vinegar (oh how I miss 1000 island dressing!)!

Monday, October 20, 2008

La Tortura

Shakira's sings "you said you loved me like no other but you can't live on bread alone." Wikipedia describes La Tortura as "It tells the story of a woman who has been emotionally "tortured" because her boyfriend cheated and eventually left her for another, and has now returned begging forgiveness. He apologises extravagantly, but is ultimately thinking that some infidelity is natural for men and that for the woman not to forgive him would be tiresome and unreasonable. However, on the end of the song, Shakira's character humiliates him and says that she is not going to shed a single tear over him." Now, this blog is not about a cheating me mate but about me cheating on my diet. And the sad part of it all is I am actually at my goal weight of 116 pounds and lost another inch off my waist. So why do I think I can't forget about counting calories? Ok, I haven't been too bad per say but there is no way that Sheppard's pie I had for dinner last night was low-cal. Oh sure, it may have been on the healthy side but then throw in the spiced egg nog (400 calories!!) and I am sure that I went over my daily caloric intake. I am working up towards 1400 calories a day (up from 1200). And if it were up to me (and practical,) I would live on carbs alone!!

Also, I am still pushing myself as much as I can at the gym and boot camp. Yes, I signed up for another session. Scott and I will be going out of town (Hello UK and Finland!) so I will miss a total of 8 days. So, I paid for 12 days of boot camp but will only be on the hook for another boot camp since I will only be able to attend 9 or 10 session of this camp. So, I foresee one more mini-camp in my future.

I found out I also qualify for the worlds worst sister/ aunty. Ok, probably not but some people love to be the victim and make everyone else the villain. It should really come as no surprise since I seriously can not stomach family drama, I tend to avoid my family as much as I can. So, if I miss a birthday party (that I was given almost no notice of) people shouldn't act like it's the end of the world.

I had a neuro visit last week to get my migraine script refilled. My neuro is awesome really and takes very careful notes at every appointment. He noted at my last visit that I was ttcing and we would discuss a change in my migrane meds should I conceive. Well, that has happened yet and at my visit (its been almost 3 years since my last appointment) he asked if I had good news to tell him. I said "no" and further explained our IVF plans. He told me he is very sorry and wished it did not have to be this difficult. Wow! I thought I was going to cry.

Happy Oktoberfest!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Drive by blog update

I just finished off my 2 week mini-boot camp today. Really, it was a lot of fun and I will hate giving up my boot camp. It is truly motivating for me and I love the "team spirit." There is a wonderful group of gals who are becoming "repeat victims" and we all love to chat in the mornings. I can tell you that I have made some progress and building endurance.

With that said, this past week, I sucked at food logging and my diet in general. I kept saying that I will do better once October 15th passes but I haven't even been good about drinking water. My eating and portion control is out the window and I have been eating cheese and using butter like it's going out of style. :( As a result, my poor tummy is suffering and I am totally bloated. Of course it doesn't help that ovulation should be occurring right around now (in theory!) and I have some ovulation type pains and my usual ovulation bloat. Oh, the joys of being a women!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Are you ready for some HOCKEY?!?!

That's right...It time for Hockey! I have been anxiously awaiting this day since the end of the last hockey season. I am so freakin' excited; I can't even sit still! The team has made some changes, added some new D's. We sent down some guys who just weren't playing up to par and have some great kids on the team still. Now, they just need to get out there and skate (oh and shoot the puck too!) GO SHARKS!!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


Ok, for starters, it is an extremely bad idea to go into any weight loss/ workout program with unreal expectations. I have to accept that I will not ever look like Arnold, and can't expect to look like a $1,000,000 after just 4 weeks of boot camp.

So, here are the numbers:

Weight: 117 (still!)
Height: 5'1" (yeah, not getting any taller!)
Bust: 31.5 (I lost 1/2 an inch!! The outrage!! They weren't big to begin with! Why or why for the love of Pete Sake's is it that we lose from the boobs first?!?!)
Waist: 31 (yes! I lost 1 whole inch!)
Butt/Hips: 36 (no change)
Upper Thigh: I don't remember the first or second measurement but I know that I lost 1 full inch.
Calf: I don't remember the first or second measurement but I also lost 1 full in there too.
BMI: 22 (I was never concerned about my BMI since I know that it was in the healthy range)
Body Fat %: 29.3 (I only lost 0.7% in body fat?!? Man, I suck!!)

All and all, I feel like I am ok with the numbers. They (the trainers) were impressed since most women tend to increase their body fat before they lose it. I know that right now, my numbers show that I am healthy. So, I am still not totally focused on weight loss and may plan to drop a few more pounds but I am completely focused on building more muscle, dropping more fat and toning up. I know that all that I am doing will help me achieve my goals and I just need to stick with it. I also have to accept that I just can't stop eating healthy and must continue eating lean proteins, lots of veggies, lower my carb intake and drink a ton of water. That and oh yeah, the bad stuff that I want to eat I will have to eat in moderation. (God, I miss cheese...and chocolate...and french fries...)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Nothing new to report...yet...

I mentioned in a previous post that I need to get my post camp measurements. I still need to do so and will hopefully have good news (and great results) to post tomorrow. I was supposed to get measured Monday morning but between the weird lady in the park taking pictures and Danielle's flat tire, Monday didn't work out. I am doing a 2 week mini-camp designed for those who didn't meet all their goals during the last camp. 1 day down and 5 more (sessions) to go. I also went to the gym this morning and did some ab work.

Here is some good news: I can go upside down on the stripper pole now! Its not totally perfect but given that its been over a year since I was able to, I am excited. Scott even go to see it. See, in order to go upside down, you need abs strong enough to pull your butt up. I was able to in the beginning but then started injects and never was able again until this past weekend.

Speaking of this past weekend (trigs alert), a topic came up at a party. Its a political topic and for me an extremely emotional one too. Somehow the conversation turned to abortion. I can't even stomach talking about it and how some people can make what I consider such a selfish decision. Ok, I am not going to be PC here damn it, its my blog. Seriously, I wanted to say out loud that if you are too damn stupid to keep you legs closed then you should have been strapped down to a table until your baby is born. Then, your baby would have been given to a couple (or single person) who wants kids, who deserves kids and who just can't have them thanks for infertility. Then we can just shoot your dumb ass in the head and rid the world of another moron. But, I didn' know with polite company and all. I wanted to grab the pro-choicer and let her know that babies feel pain when they are being aborted. The human baby did not asked to be conceived. Birth control is always an option, dumb ass. You made the decision to not take precautions (unless you are just so damn fertile that even precautions don't work for you) and you choose to be selfish and murder an innocent human. To me, saying you're pro-choice is like saying your pro-selfish, pro-murder, pro-putting an innocent baby through pain that we can't even imagine. But, I digress. The simple fact that people who can take their fertility for granted and choose abortion makes me sick. And so extremely fucking jealous that they can even make that choice while I sit and twiddle my thumbs and wonder if I will ever see a truly positive pregnancy test and hold my baby in my arms.

Now, before ya'll jump on me and tell me I am wrong and its not selfish and aborted babies feel no pain, remember this is my damn blog; it;s my opinion. I kept my mouth shut for a reason. I will not force my beliefs onto anyone (unless they choose to push their beliefs onto me!). I also want to say that I do not have a problem with people choosing abortion in the case or rape or incest. Please don't come on my blog and talk to about God's will and the rape/ incest resulting pregnancy. I don't believe God intended for man to rape a woman and then say that pregnancy is God's will. I will also never say that about incest either. I will say abortion should not be used as a means of birth control.

Ok, now that I got that off my chest, I wanted to add one more little tidbit. I was pro-lifer way before I was an infertile woman. I was raised by mainly pro-choice women and pro-choice men. I judge all people the same when it comes time to abortions (friends, family, strangers) and I can admit to it.

This topic has been on mind since sunday. It literally dragged me down, brought me to tears if I thought about it and got me very depressed.

Friday, October 3, 2008

I kicked butt...

at San Jose Adventure Boot Camp! I survived my 3 day a week, 4 week boot camp program. I even worked out on my own and took two dance classes too. Now, I still can't say that I lost weight but it is important to remember that muscle weighs more then fat.

I was proud of myself every time I bumped up the weight of my dumbbells. I was ecstatic to be able to the hip lifts.

Ok here are some numbers:

Week 1:

Timed 1 mile run: 14:11
Pushups: 15 in one minute

We didn't get tested again until today.

Week 4:

Timed 1 mile run: 12.29
Pushups: 31 in one minute

My goal was to shave 2 minutes off my run time. I was close but still have some work. Truly, I have the lung capacity of a rock. I can't hold my breath to save my life and breathe all wrong when I run. But I am getting better. My second goal was to be able to do double the pushups. Well, I am happy to say that I did it!! Yeah me.

Tomorrow, after cardio-kickboxing I will get my measurements. I am kinda bummed since I am totally bloated right now (thanks Aunt Flo!!) but figure that I committed, I pushed myself harder then ever and I do look a little thinner. So I have to assume that I lost some inches from somewhere (please not from my boobs!!).

Friday, September 26, 2008

Week 3 down...

and I feel...sore. :(

Ok, probably not as sore as I felt in the beginning but still sore. I have been also doing a cardio-kickboxing class that totally builds a sweat. I love the class though.

Some days I feel super motivated and other days I wonder why I bothered to get out of bed. I feel like no matter how many push ups or sit ups I do, I will not get skinny. My tummy will never be flat. I contemplate cutting even more calories out of diet and wonder just how much water I can add to my day.

I worked out 2 times on tuesday, thursday and friday. But this morning I woke up and thought that since I am not even seeing any results, why should I bother? Then, I realize that if I give up now, then I will never see results.

Great! At least my brain got a great work. LOL!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Yeah! Good News!!

Mosey on over to Lizzy's blog to read about her wonderful news!

Congrats Momma and Daddy! I am so happy for you both.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Ebay/ Paypal Vent

I order a cute pair of go-go boots to wear in my dance class. See, these boots are super heavy so it's like dancing with weights on your legs. I was stoked to get them from Ebay for less then 1/2 the purchase price if I had ordered them from the dance studio. So, I find a pair, choose the "buy it now" option and paid with Paypal. Of course, this occurred over the weekend which means that today my boots are finally being shipped to me. The seller sent me an email stating the expected delivery date is 9/30/08. Great, right?! Well no, since the last go-go dance class for me is 9/26/08. Good thing I was already planning on taking another session or I would no reason to have such a cute (but heavy) pair of go-go boots. Now, here is my vent with Paypal. I have a "verified" account and the money should come out right away. So why, after the funds are removed from my account does it take Paypal 24 hours to notify the seller? Talk about the left hand not shaking the right hand! :(

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Shin Splints and crying

Let's get the tears done with first. Tori Mitchell, a young star who plays for the Sharks, broke his leg and will be out for at least 8 weeks. Why does that bring tears to my eyes? Well, a a damn good hockey player. He gets on the ice and skates his butt off; He shoots the puck whenever possible and he scores! Did I mention he is a team player and works well with Joe Thornton? Did I mention that he skates his butt off and scores?!? Argh!!!

Ok, now that I am done pouting about the Sharks I will talk about shin splints. I know that I was expecting an overnight improvement when I got new running shoes and was therefore disappointed when I didn't get immediate results. So, imagine my surprise when we took our long walk this morning and my shins didn't bother me too much. I went about my morning and got dressed up wearing my new dress from Forever 21 and my cute but very high (4 inch) heels to go to a jewelry party. My shins were fine then too.

So memo to self: Don't run through the grocery store while wearing flip-flops. It will cause your shin splints to well as my ankle. Man, I hate this! So now, I am kicking back on the couch in hopes that I feel better by tomorrow morning.


Edited to add: I bought some gloves. They are baseball gloves but since they have leather palms I can still use them for weight training. I also bought a body glove type shirt that is long sleeves and it is super warm. I am using my leg warmers too in an attempt to keep my lower part of my legs warm.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Small IVF Update

I have finally scheduled a few IVF seminars/ tours. So far, we are going to visit two different RE Clinics and I am looking at one more place. We will be visiting Nova IVF and FPNC in a few weeks. I have ruled out Stanford just because it seems like it would be expensive. I have also ruled out RSC due to the egg freeze study fiasco.

Other then that, there is nothing new on the ttc front. I guess since I am supposed to be preventing this cycle to let my uterus heal. We haven't but then again, its not like it happened before this cycle so I wouldn't expect it to happen now.

Week 2 Down!

Week 2 of boot camp is over. My shins are killing me so I broke down and bought some running shoes. I can't determine if I have lost weight. I have determined that the scale at the gym is broken. One scale says I weigh 112 pounds (whoa man! stop the weight loss) and the other says I still weigh 118 pounds. Sorry but a 6 pound difference is huge.

I am still low on calories and have added a high protein shake and high protein bar to my diet. The shake isn't too bad but the serving size is huge. I got very full (to the point of my tummy hurting) after drinking one. Since they aren't cheap, I am planning on using them as needed. The bars are really good and I can see myself buying more in the future.

I think I set a personal record. I worked out 9 days straight and on two of those days, I worked out 2 times that day. Although I don't consider dance a "workout" per say, it is a workout and calorie burner. Before I digress too much as to why I love dance and why I dance I will just say that I love to dance. I like the night life...I love to boogie; I am a dancing, dancing, dancing machine; I like to shake, shake, shake my groove thing. ;)

Scott and I are really only going to the gym together 2 times a week. We still need to make it a goal to do some kind of exercise on Sundays though. Speaking of the gym, when I was at my cardio-kickboxing class last night I worked up quite the sweat. So, I tucked my shirt up and exposed my belly. OMG! All those mirrors don't lie....I have a fat belly. Not a cute fat belly, but a disgustingly fat belly. Every now and then, someone (usually a stranger) will pat my belly and ask me how far along I am or when I am due. I realize now that these people are either blind, stoned and stupid, or just to nice to say "damn girl! You fat!!" I am going with blind, stoned and stupid for the sake of my ego.

I need to invest in some warmer workout clothes. I have been using Therma Care Heat Wraps, which aren't cheap. I put them on in the morning (usually on my back) before I go work out and leave them on until I shower for work. But Scott is getting tired of cuddling up with me and getting his body hair snagged on them. :( I wear fingerless, weight training gloves but I need to get some with fingers. Every morning, my hands are so cold it hurts. But, the gloves have been my saving grace when it comes time to doing push ups...especially on the cold concrete. I think that all I have to report on boot camp this week. I will do another post to update ya'll on the IVF and ttcing.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

No pain, no gain?

Week one down and OMG! I hurt. Oh man, do I hurt. I am hurting in places where I did not even know that I had muscles.

Ok, here are my official measurements. (NOTE: I was supposed to get measured on Monday 9/8 but they were booked up and I have worked out everyday this week and counted my calories)

Chest: 32 (No surprise, I was just measured at Victoria's Secret a few weeks ago)
Waist: 32 (Yikes!!!)
Butt/ Hips: 36
Weight: 117 (I was 120 on Saturday 9/6)
Height: 5'1" (Not really, but I am accountant so I round up! ;))
BMI: 22.7
Body Fat % (BF%): 30%

OMG, I am a fatty. I need to lose 6 pounds in fat and my goal is to gain 4 pounds of muscle. Since muscle weighs more then fat, I will probably weigh about the same that I do now.

I talked to the nutritionist since I am not getting enough protein. I am also severely restricting and topping off my day at less then 1000 calories. I should not be eating less then 1200 calories. She told me to eat an egg (yolk and all) and have a glass of whole or 2% milk. I can also add sashimi and some red meat. Normally, they would advise no more then 3 ounces of red meat but said if I am really low on protein for the day to go up to 5 ounces of red meat. I can also add a protein shake or bar. I was eating peanuts to get protein and stopped since they are high in fat. She said it was ok to put them on my salad or eat peanut butter, but everything in moderation of course.

I will be working out again tomorrow morning in my Pussy Cat dance class. We are dancing to "Labels or Love" by Fergie. Its a cute song. The dance seems rather technical right now. Between Go-Go class and this one, I am learning some great moves. I love dancing and being sassy, even if its for 2 hours a week. To be honest, I am amazed that I made it through this week.

On a side note, I still can't handle pregnancy announcements. Unless of course they are from an IF'er. I want to say "big whoopdy do!" when I hear about this person or that stranger getting knocked up. I want to say, "wow, its no surprise that a fertile person got knocked up!" But, I don't since I would have to explain myself. Nothing like saying to the shocked news announcer, "I am bitter and barren, thank you very much for pouring salt into my wound" to turn the so-called "happy" news into sour news. Seriously though, I don't want to hear it. Walk a mile in my shoes then we'll celebrate your happy news. In the meantime, keep it to yourself. Yes, I am extra bitter these days since I am approaching the 3 year mark of trying. I was so innocent and naive when I thought it would happen so easy. I can't even open the drawer where I stashed baby items for my future baby without keeping shaky and sick to my stomach.

Back to boot camp. I am setting a new goal for myself. I want to look good enough to wear a bikini when we go on our cruise. I haven't wore a bikini on a vacation since Scott took me to 2005. I mean I have put one on, but I felt so damn sexy in Hawaii. I want to feel that way again. I may even need to sign up for another 4 week session to get that goal achieved but I will do it. Plus, I am not trying at all this cycle (heal uterus, heal!) so I haven't even thought about CM or CP or Preseed. It's not been too good for my sex life since I am too sore to be adventurous and too tired to do much more then the basics, but we are managing. There is nothing wrong with a little vanilla every now and then! ;) Hee hee.

I am also trying not to shop, or even browse too many catalogs. I figure, if I do lose weight and/or inches, I may not fit into clothes that I buy now in a few weeks anyways. Now shoes on the other hand...well, I need to get me a new pair and feed this shoe craving of mine!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Boot Camp...Day 1

Today was the first official day of boot camp. Scott and I got up around 5 a.m. Wow, that in itself is quite the feat for me. With the exception of my running shoes I had everything ready to go last night.

Off I go to Edith Morley Park, in the cold. So not fun. Of course as luck would have it, my little bag with my water and weights broke. :(

We started off the morning with running, sit-ups, push ups, circuit training and jumping jacks. Well, we did all of these exercises over and over.

For the next four weeks, I will be watching what I eat, and avoiding any alcohol.

Right now, I am in the 3 day program since I am also dancing at Sedusa two days a week. Of course, I totally over-did it in my Pussy Cat dance class on Saturday and my little legs were sore even before boot camp started.

So, my goal is to tone up and get into shape. I want my body to be healthy pre-pregnancy. I am hoping that by shaping up some, I can get pregnant a little easier. I am also hoping that with Scott hitting the gym again, we can both get healthy. I mean, it can't hurt, right!?

Who knows, maybe I will do a few boot camp sessions before we go on our cruise.

Friday, September 5, 2008

I am tired!

I am so partied out...pot lucked out...salsa'd out! I love my friends...I really do. But, between the summer traveling and all the parties we have hosted and attended I am tired.

And lets face it, potlucks are fun but sometimes the different variety of foods is just not PCOS friendly.

Of course there is the ass-vise that I just getting. I mean really, I have heard it before people...its not going to change my mind, the situation or help me any. I know people think they are being helpful but it stings to know that people really don't get it. Sure, maybe I am ultra-sensitive when it comes to the topic of babies and my desire to procreate. But, its my desire and I don't feel like I should have to explain it away...or even deny it.

I know that I have posted in the past that a lot of our group of friends is a lot older then me. I guess that is what happens when you date an older man and inherit his friends. I suppose I should be grateful that my friends have no desire to hang with me (due to the fact that I am dating a much older man), since a true friend would stick by me. But, the downside is I hang around these people and have so little in common with them. I don't enjoy the majority of the conversations so I sit and nod and smile and pretend I get it/ give a damn. I know....I am so damn mean. Yep, heard it before. And the sad reality of it is that Scott would feel the same way if we were to hang with my former friends. We would laugh and talk about stuff that Scott either has no interest in or could say "yeah, been there, done that." So, I have spent the summer cringing inside, smiling and nodding on the outside wondering if I could change the topic.

I also wonder if the friends who dropped me after I left mr. asshole ex are wondering why they dropped me and not him. LOL! Yes, I did just type that out! I have got a text message or two from one or two people who "sided" with mr. ex asking how I am and what not. I have even talked to a couple of gals who pretty much hate mr. ex and can't stomach socializing with him now. I have even been told they "miss partying with me." But give the skeptic that I am, I wonder if they are being sincere or trying to get into my good graces to appeal to me to take him back or even spy on me. OMG! That makes me sound so paranoid. (For the record, I don't not is any way, shape or form believe the world revolves around me.)

Its true...I don't have issues, I have the whole subscription. But I can't help but wonder if this is as good as it gets...or is there something better? Better friends, better parties, a better me hiding behind my mediocre self? Sigh! Thinking about this hurts my brain...I need a vacation! ;)