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Sunday, December 27, 2009

New Ink and New Year

While ttc'ing, I felt it was prudent to put off doing new things. Oh sure, I would go on vacations and what not but never made a "big life" decision. Yeah, I bought a new car and to be perfectly honest, it is not a "kid friendly" car but always told myself that if MY children destroyed MY car, that I would be ok with it. Trust me, this is going somewhere.

You see, I am one (or was one) class away from finishing my college degree. I never finished for a few reason but the reason I had the most trouble explaining was this: "it's the principle, man." See, once I got mixed up with my ex, I took the classes he took. Honestly, if it weren't for me, that jacka$$ would have never made it out of college. After about of year of business classes (and extreme discouragement from my mother*), I was only taking business courses. Now, don't get me wrong, but I did like the math and economic courses and did good in those classes. But that is not what I wanted to do when I grew up. I even started off my college career taking classes in subject matters that I was interested in and could see myself focusing on when I grew up.

*Really, that is another blog post all together and requires far more energy that I have at this time.

Anyways, I do have a point...I promise. While ttc'ing, I also researched and really considered going back to school. My thoughts always went like this: "if I go back to school now, I will get pregnant." So, I never did it...never went back to school. Four years later and I realized that I am never going to get this time back; I am not going to get any younger. I am going back to school to study what I want to study!!! I did it!!! I made a decision, I actually followed through and I am going back to school right after the new year.

Sure, it will be tough, my time will be stretched thin and I will be tired and poor as hell and I don't mind. I will be studying here, enrolled in the "Phlebotomy, EKG Technician and Lab Assistant" program. Not totally what I want to do when I grow up but close and more importantly, it will get my foot in the door in the medical field. Once there, I can study more lab techniques and possibly get into the EMT field with time.

Now, onto that new ink I mentioned. Despite the fact that I was "only" five weeks along when I miscarried my little Fishstick, it was painful. I think everyday of my baby that wasn't. I get so sad when I think about where I should be in my pregnancy. So, in remembrance of my Fishstick, I got new ink. Without further ado, here is it!

This photo was taken about 5 minutes post tattoo. My tattoo artist Pete, is not only Hungarian, world famous (at least in Europe) but kick a$$ too. Case in point, I showed him a picture that I saved to my crackberry. He glanced at it for about 10 seconds, smoked a cig and then drew out my tattoo. I knew what to expect and what I envisioned but he did much more then I anticipated. This tattoo looks 20x's better then I imagined it looking. (For the record, it still looked nice in my little mind. It's the shading that looks fucking amazing!!) I also had Pete re-pierce my belly since I had to take the ring out for one of my laps. It wasn't fully shut but nonetheless, not the best feeling to have the ring put back.
**I know this is a whale tail and not a fish (or fishstick) but I could not find a tattoo of a fish that I wanted stuck on me. When we were in Alaska, we saw some Humpback's and I felt a sense of peace. I knew, in my heart and soul that I wanted to remember my baby with a whale. I stuck with the whale tail to keep it small and simple. I have my new tattoo on my inside of my left wrist, not really hidden by my watch but in a spot that felt so right.

6 comments:

Barb said...

LOVE IT! The school! The tattoo! All of it!! Going back to school when I did last year was one of the best things I've ever done for myself! It felt SO GOOD! Don't get me wrong, it was HARD and expensive, but it was worth it. I'm not finished yet, but I'll get there. So excited for you!

And my phlebotomist at my RE was one of my favorite people ever. A good phlebotomist or other tech in the medical field is sooo important to how good you feel about your whole treatment I feel. I think you'll be awesome.

Mrs Shoes said...

Congratulations on making this positive forward step. Best of luck in 2010!

Carissa said...

Awesome! I'm so happy for you for starting a new program. I also love your new tatoo!

Unknown said...

I was reading someone else's blog last night about tokens of remembrance for lost babies and sharing what some of the members of my miscarriage support group have done. They included jewelry, a shrub, a rose bush and a poem. Nothing as permanent and mobile (goes where you go) as your whale tale tattoo. I have to hand it to you, getting it, feeling appreciative and having it photographed all at once. I would have passed out. Nevertheless, it is beautiful and if it feels right, I hope it gives you a sense of peace forever.

BTW, I've gone back to school twice as an adult and loved it. I hope you do too.

Lisa

Me said...

I think it's GREAT that you're going back to school! And I think your new tat is lovely - both visually and emotionally.

nancy said...

LOVE the new ink. Love it.

And I don't think the timeframe of how long someone is pregnant when they lose the baby is a factor at all. I wouldn't ever say "only" five weeks. I'm so sorry for your loss. ~hugs~