Wednesday, December 31, 2008

C'mon 2009

2009 has got to be better then 2008. I mean, 2008 wasn't that bad...except its another year down and no baby. But, all in all, 2008 saw me make some changes for the better to my life. I got back into working out and I am eating so much healthier. At the very of end of '08, I reconnected with some childhood friends. I took a stand against my family and verbalized that I am removing myself from the family drama. The co-worker and I got along better and have been able to really work together. Scott and I (and DSS) traveled and saw so many wonderful places.

But for 2009, I want to be ready to start my IVF. I can not wait. I need this to fall into place. I need my IVF to work. I am so looking forward to being a mom. I am so looking forward to getting pregnant in 2009.

I hope that my fellow IF'ers and I will achieve a healthy pregnancy and become mommies in 2009. It has got to be a better year.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Snarky post, Part 2

Ok, after rereading my "snarky" post today, I realize it wasn't as snarky as I thought it was. After all, I was in a pissy mood when I wrote. See, I have blogged about assvise and the people who love to give it before, so I felt pretty damned irritated when I wrote this blog. I got one of those Christmas questions emails that get passed around. One of the questions was "what do you want for Christmas?" I answered honestly with "a baby." I hit the reply all button and off the email was sent. Well, a former co-worker, who I haven't had contact with for years, was on that list. Obviously, she was surprised that I am no longer with my ex. She also noticed that I am now in a new relationship and wanting a baby with Scott. She responds with "just relax and don't try so hard...it will happen. Besides you're not even married so maybe it won't happen until you get married. "Any-who,"* good luck with the baby thing. Try taking a vacation, it always worked for me. My wonderful daughter and her hubby are going to start trying soon...maybe you can give each other some tips. Also, try not think too much about it, enjoy being child free since kids change your life so much, and it will all happen according to God's plan."

Now, I pretty much copied and pasted her email to me here...took out some names and added an asterisk. She always said "any-who" and would add about five seconds of oouuuuuuu onto it when she talked. It would sound like eennnyyywhouuuuuu. Annoyed the shit out me!

I choose not to respond to her email. I was going to send her a link to resolve.com or something like that but realized she truly believes what she is saying. So blogged instead.

2 things

Why do people say you have a frog in your throat when you are horse?

The snark post will be edited (hey, I gotta at least check for typo's) and published sometime today. Not that I am in a snarky mood...yet.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

No tittle

I just wrote and published a long post on the assvise people give to ttcers. After I read it however, I realized two things. First is that I have blogged about this before. I can't control what people are going to say but I can control my reaction. Second, I realized this post was super snarky and down right rude. Well, I blame that on PMS and the fact that I am hungry...and sick too. Wonderful! So for now, I am removing the snarky, assvise post but will save it. How knows, maybe one day I will want to post something snarky just because I can..and I will post it.

Are you filled with suspense now?

Don't try so hard - the snarky post

nothing will happen. I got a "just relax and don't try so hard..you'll get pregnant if you stop thinking/ obsessing about it" from someone.

So, I decided to break this little comment down. Let's start with "just relax." Believe it or not, I am relaxed. I get massages when the tension gets to be too much. I will treat myself to a little retail therapy if my bank account says it is ok to and if all else fails, I hide and indulge in a good cry. It is hard to explain to people why this comment stings so much...as if people look at me and think my panties are in perpetual bunch when it comes to ttcing. For the record, I try not to wear panties if I can get away with it so no my panties are not in a bunch, thank you very much! To imply that I am doing something wrong and that I am so tensed up is ludicrous. Sure, as a human living in the real world, I have stress in my life. Sure, after trying for so long, I am stressed that it will never happen. But, that is human. Any person (woman?) who has been having rather regular and unprotected intercourse with her mate/ partner/ husband/ boyfriend/ insert your own damn title would wonder WTF! And that would probably cause that person to stress. Tis a simple fact of life and don't tell me that you would not be slightly stressed if you were in my shoes.

Now onto the "don't try so hard." I can't help but wonder if I am suppose to lay like a cold fish during sex? Or if we are not supposed have sex, because well, its the sex that most people assume cause a pregnancy. Maybe, I am supposed to avoid the big O? Really, this statement is crazy since I am not sure what I am supposed to do or not do to avoid "trying so hard." Can someone enlighten me?

Finally, "you'll get pregnant if you stop thinking/ obsessing so much." This is actually my favorite. Honestly people, I do taxes for a living. Do you think I spend every moment of every day thinking about getting pregnant. That would make for a poorly prepared tax return...don't you think? When I am working out, I am actually focused on my workout. I could give you example after example like this. Of course, if I stop thinking about ttc and getting pregnant, then I am thinking too negatively and that's bad too. So where is that fine line? If I think about it, then I am over thinking ttc and if I don't then I am think too negative. And all that negative thinking is also causing me to not get pregnant. As a result, I am unsure of how time I am supposed to think about ttc before I cross that "thinking/ obsessed so much" line and how little I am supposed to think before I get to the "thinking negative" line. And since this line is invisible, I think I am screwed in the whole thinking arena.

If you stop and think about it, assvise from "just relax" to "you're obsessed" do more then just sting. I think for me, it makes me feel like some kind psychotic failure. I can relax...but not be too relaxed. I can't figure out how to not "try so hard" and maybe that's my problem (oh, if you could see my eyes roll) and figure out how much to think or not not to think.

Other things I don't want to hear: "pray"; "it's God's plan"; "why don't you just adopt?"; and another personal favorite of mine "maybe its not happening because your not married." Uh, thanks. Now who's thinking too much about it and being negative? I have prayed, begged and pleaded with God..trust me on this. I am sure that is God's plan for me to have babies...that's why I was born a female. I don't want to adopt and I don't have to explain why to anyone. As for the whole married part, well, lets just say there are a lot of unwed crack whores popping out babies so I am not buying that dumb ass assvise one bit.

More on Christmas and stuff

Christmas day was not as hard as Christmas Eve. I mean, I sat and watched Scott's kids open gifts and what not. I could almost imagine our child on Christmas day, opening gifts and laughing. I guess I was able to deal with it by detaching myself emotionally from the events of the day. I took no joy watching the kids open their gifts or sharing dinner with them. It sucks because I know that Scott loves his kids but they just don't come around or visit or even call. Where is the respect? I reminded myself that I am not their mother and that when I have kids of my own, I will try to raise them to respect their elders; instill into them the joy of gift giving and raise them appreciate what they do have. I also remind myself that they are adult children and are not obligated to be respectful anymore have lives of their own.

Of course I was tickled pink that AF did not show up on Christmas day. I looked back at my chart and realized that I would probably get a visit from AF this weekend. Actually, in a perfect world,AF would be here today, I would be pregnant but... this throwing me all off. I planned my tax season around my first IVF consult. I was planning on starting stims when my first post tax season cycle started. Based on my perfectly planned out schedule, I need AF to show by April 19, 2009 in order to start IVF post tax season. I know that this would push my due date to December-ish and not give me much time to be home with my new baby before the start of a new tax season. And I really know that I have got to stop planning my life around tax season but my job is my bread and butter. I need my job. The wait until after April 15th to start IVf is already killing me emotionally. I just don't want any other delays. I don't care who will be at my house or who wants us to visit. MY IVF Will Come First or I Will Freaking Die!!! This cycle has to work out. Please God, if you are reading my blog or listening to me...I need this work out just right.

I hate the whole out of control feeling ttc tosses into your life. I know that it is impossible to control every aspect of your life and that once you toss in a kid, that ability to plan and control as much as possible will get tossed out the window. But I hate not having a plan. Even if I have to deviate from my plan(s), having some semblance of a plan is better then nothing. I always joke that I am an Aquarius and "fly by the seat off my pants." It is true that I am flighty and can be rather spontaneous but that I just all a part of my plan....to appear spontaneous. LOL!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

3 Years+

OMG! I thought I coud do this...that I could get through this day without thinking about the fact that it has been more then 3 years since I started ttc. But here I am...and it is almost midnight and all of a sudden it hit me. 3 years and change and I am still not a mommy....not even close. God, all I want is to be a mom. I am so sad right now that I can not even put words on my sadness. Scott is running around...doing something and I am holding back tears. I have no words to describe this...but I know others in my position will know what I am talking about. I never imagined this would be so hard...or that I would be crying these tears.

Merry Christmas Ya'll

I am still slightly "bah humbug" but looking forward to my parents and brothers coming over tonight. I don't spend much time with my younger brothers. One lives in San Diego and the other with the 'rents still.

I looked at my FF chart and realized that tomorrow, I will be only on CD 27 so I can expect a PMS'y day but no AF. I am going to use that as an excuse to drink as much hot chocolate as I can...and maybe eat some too. ;)

I wish the very best of holidays to everyone out there. May your day be blessed and the end of your year be filled with joy.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

How long till Christmas?

I can not believe it is almost Christmas. Where has time gone? I am slightly in better Christmas spirit then I have been. I think I even got caught humming a Christmas tune. I blame it on the commercials on tv for playing Christmas music.

Last Friday, we had a delightful dinner (pizza and beer!) date with some friends. M/E and ABW from this post and another couple. I will call the DH of this couple CC (for conservative cook) and DW will be called TG (for tea girl). I have to say that I love CC and TG. The conversation is always great, even if slightly political. I guess since CC and I have a lot of the same views, I feel more of an equal when I talk to him. This couple is so down to earth though and just super easy to be around. They also love DSS and always look forward to visiting with him. This dinner was different then previous get togethers with M/E and ABW. ABW and I spent some time alone just talking and sharing "war stories." She also told me how it is extremely obvious how much Scott loves me (yeah!) and how should would be happy if we were to change the status of our relationship (double yeah!).

Now, why is this important? See, Scott gave to me a beautiful diamond. I have been telling people that it may look like an engagement ring, smell like an engagement ring and probably even tastes like an engagement ring. But it's not. I have been admittedly worried about changing the status of our relationship from "boyfriend/ girlfriend" to "engaged." I do love Scott and do plan to spend the rest of life with him. I am not sure that I need the status change to let the world know that I plan to stay with Scott literally until death do us part. (BTW, he is soooo busted if he dies before me ;)) So, I haven't been wearing my ring (which I do wear on that all important finger) out when we are hanging with our friends. I know that people's eyes will automatically look at it and they assume that congrats are needed. But, I think that is about to change. I have decided I will wear it proudly now and if people says "congratulations" I will say "thank you" and let it be. If they want to know if we are engaged, I am going to say "I plan to spend my life with Scott and to me to be engaged is just a fancy way of saying that. I am not into formal or fancy so I am not saying we are engaged." (Or some variation of that.) And the people who know me best will know that I am not lying when I say that I am not into formal or fancy.

Boy, that got wordy. Oh, and forgot to mention however, that until DSS is a little older, I think I will still not wear it out and about when we have DSS. I mean, I don't want to confuse the poor kid. At least for now. After a while, people will stop noticing the ring and stop pointing it out and saying something and then I will feel more comfortable wearing to when we have DSS and gatherings to attend.

Back to Christmas now. I am done shopping and have to do some wrapping. Drama has reared it's ugly head in my family so I am not sure about our plans yet. One of these days drama and Aunt Flo are going to have to take a long vacation together. Very long to a very far away place. I think I am due for a little visit from Aunt Flo on Christmas Day (my favorite present) so I really don't want a visit with Drama too.

Merry Christmas everyone! I think I naughty with just enough nice to get a little something-something from my Santa! ;)

Friday, December 19, 2008

The News

Today I was measured for my final post boot camp results. I must say, I think I can "toot my own horn!" BTW, my "start" measurements, with the exception of my weight were taken 10/19/08

Start weight: 121
Current Weight: 115

Measurements (start):

Neck: 12.5
Right arm: 10.75
Flexed: 10.75
Chest: 33 (this will always fluctuate due to my cycle)
Shoulder 39.5
Waist: 32 to start, 29.75 on 10-19-08
Hips: 38.5
Right upper leg: 22.75
Right leg: 17.75
Calf: 12.75

Measurement (Today):

Neck: 12.25 (-.25)
Right Arm: 10.5 (-.25)
Flexed: 11 (+.25) - Does this mean I actually have some muscle?
Chest: 32.5 (See my chest note above)
Shoulder: 37.5 - Yes, this means I am toning up my upper arms, back! (-2)
Waist: 29 Holy shit!! 3 full inches in 13 weeks. Sweet!!!
Hips: 37.5 (-1)
Right upper leg: 22 (-.75)
Right leg: 17.5 (-.25)
Calf: 12.5 (-.25)

Total inches lost 5.5!

Also, I previously blogged my butt/hips measurement was 36, but I was wrong. I am looking at my first measurement and apparently is was 39. So technically, I also lost 1.5 inches off my butt.
Wowsers. Oh and my timed mile? Yeah, ran it in less then 10 minutes...9 minutes and 29 seconds! Woot! My push up test...very bad. I actually did less then ever. I am blaming it on the ugly bruise (and might I add, mystery bruise) on my left palm.

Now, I have to keep up my portion control, limit my sweets intake and keep going to the gym. I think I can, I think I can.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Random Thoughts

1. Don't tell me I am getting sick...just don't even think it.
2. Seriously, it is colder then cold at 5:30 in the morning.
3. I miss eating carbs.
4. Baklava is not low carb.
5. I ordered a low carb burger at Carl's Jr. with only the meat, cheese and jalapenos. I did not ask for the meal...just the burger. I should have realized your mistake when you gave me a cup but I didn't. French fries are not low carbs. It is cruel and unusual punishment to give a person on a low carb diet a bag filled with fries.
6. I only ate 4 and tossed the rest. I am sooooo proud of my extreme will power.
7. Now I am craving carbs even more then ever.
8. Favoritism, lack of discipline, and divorce can really fuck a kid up. So can letting your adopted child have lots of contact with the bio-mom, a drug addict, alcoholic with zero parenting skills.
9. I don't want to shop for stocking stuffers.
10. Wait, is my boss coming down with something too?
11. I can't fucking believe that the hockey game was not televised...again! GRRR!
12. I can not fucking believe we lost tonight in overtime.
13. I am soooooo crying over the fish sticks right now.
14. Hockey makes me cuss.
15. I am not ashamed of my "hockey mouth."
16. I really want a crackberry...I mean blackberry.
17. My dinner was awesome...and low carb!
18. Maybe I am not sick...just hurting.
19. I really hate having arthritis.
20. But have lived with it for over 1/2 of my now life...so I deal with it.
21. My gyn and my neuro docs are the best...the very best.

I was going to stop at 20 but I had to mention my low carb and yummy dinner. We had Omaha hamburger patties, bbq'ed with pepper jack cheese on top. I fried bacon strips that I cut into small bites. After the bacon was brown and crispy, I added in dices (fresh) mushrooms, a small bit of red onion and sauteed them all together. Drain some oil and add thawed chopped spinach. I turned the heat to a low simmer and let it mix together until it was time to serve. I mixed it a lot in the beginning and then put the lid on it and let it sit. Very good!

2 days until the end of boot camp. Stay tuned for my final results.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Stolen but looked so much fun!

I "stole" this from Nancy:~ Link to the person who tagged you.~ Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.~ Tag 7 random people at the end but I'm not going to tag anyone. Do if it you want to. Well, I am doing this becuase it looked fun.

1. I hate odd numbers. When I am in my car, my car radio volume has to be on an even number or it will drive me crazy. The whole odd/ even number thing applies to many areas in my life.

2. When I am walking with someone, I have to be on the same foot they are on. I mentally say right, left, right, left when I walk with someone and will change my step so we are matching.

3. I really don't have a favorate anything.

4. I love pork rinds...and I am not ashamed to admit it.

5. I talk to my tax returns when I am preparing them...all the time.

6. The majority of my clothes in my closet and dresser drawers are black.

7. I have about 100 cousins...and don't know more then half of them. I am talking about first cousins...my mom's and dad's siblings kids.

Monday, December 8, 2008

#100

I was waiting to post since I wanted my 100th post to be witty...or something. But then I realized that I am just not blogging since I am waiting for the "perfect 100th post topic."

Christmas is rapidly approaching. I am looking forward to spending time with the family...and hopefully avoiding any drama. I think I am almost done Christmas shopping and what not. Very cool!

Boot camp is underway and we have completed week one. I am really enjoying this camp and find myself pushing as much as I can. I know I keep saying it but this probably will be my last boot camp. I am in save mode to save money for IVF. I can't believe how damned expensive IVF is.

I can't believe that I have nothing to blog about...what's up with that?! I think the pre-holiday party stress has me in a funk.