Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I am thankful for many things but

my miscarriage. There is just no way in hell that I will ever be thankful for that event. I can't even believe that I having my first major holiday, complete with face stuffing dinners, without a big pregnant belly. I would be 5 months along for the Thanksgiving holiday and festivities. This is about when I would want to tell Scott's kids that they are getting another sibling.

I would even be thankful if IVF #2 worked. So I wouldn't have the baby bump I so crave to show off but I would be thankful. I would thank the good Lord for my blessings.

I am so thankful for my wonderful family and friends.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Fight for Preemies

I found out about participating in this event from another blogger. I felt compelled to join this cause. I was a preemie; not a micro-preemie but I was a preemie. I have stopped wondering if my being a preemie caused me to be infertile.

But, back to the cause at hand. Too many babies are born too soon. Too many parents suffer, watching and waiting while their new born is in the NICU. Too many parents leave the hospital with out their babies. Some babies are left in the hospital where new parents sit next to an incubator, praying their baby gets to come home. Other's leave the hospital with no baby, only to go home to plan a funeral.

I admit, I don't know what it is like to be pregnant, or give birth to a preemie. I can't fathom what my own mother must have felt as once again one of her babies came to soon. I know that any mother who gives birth to a preemie once dreads doing so again. I know my own mother did not want to leave the hospital while one of her babies was staying behind.

While struggling with infertility for the last four years, I always feared that I too may one day give birth to a preemie. It is a fate, almost a double whammy that I would not wish upon any woman. I know that every mother with a preemie struggles to understand just what went wrong and why their baby was born to soon. I know many preemie mothers curse and damn their bodies for failing their baby.

Today is a day to remember the struggle each preemie baby and family must endure. Keep these babies and families in your thoughts and prayers.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Fight For Preemies // Bloggers Unite

Fight For Preemies // Bloggers Unite

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4 Long Years

4 years ago today, I started trying for a baby.

11 clomid cycles, 1 clomid/fsh cycle, 4 fsh cycles, 5 IUI's, 2 fresh cycle IVF's and 1 FET and all I have to show for it is an early miscarriage. Blah! I am sad that I even have this anniversary. I mean seriously, TTC took a chunk of my heart and piece of my sanity but I would gladly give it up if it meant a baby at the end.

Things you can do in four years:

1. start and complete high school
2. start and complete a bachelors degree in college
3. plant a fruit bearing tree and get fruit from it
4. buy a new car and have it almost paid off
5. meet a wonderful group of ladies that are part of the same elite club that you are a part of too.

I wanted to say thank you once again to the wonderful bloggers who have shown me so much support. Please know that if I know what your blog is, I do read it on a regular basis. I am really bad at commenting but I do read your blogs and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I have decided that I am going to keep blogging. I think with time it will help me deal with all the emotions that comes with living childless. I will still travel and promise to share photos of my travels. I may even have a non-ttc blog post or two. ;)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Beating the Dead Horse

I am angry...God, I am so angry. This was supposed to have a happy ending. Sorry universe, but me not becoming a mommy is not a happy ending in my book. I want to scream. I have this pent up anger and there is just nothing I can do with it. I just can not deal with it.

The four year of trying mark is a week away and I can't even think about that day without a rage coming over me.

These past few weeks, I have be self medicating to numb the pain. Every night, I sit on the couch with a drink in hand and wait for the earth to open up and swallow me whole. Don't lecture me...I come from a family of alcoholics and I am not going to sit here and make excuses for myself. But damn it, the just sucks! I have a feeling that I haven't even dealt with my grief fully and that I have a lot of anger and pain still to come.

I was talking to a friend of mine and he said, "do you ever think there was something deep inside making a barrier to you actually conceiving?" I do admit that I had doubts, lots of doubts but I knew that ultimately, everything would work out in the end. But, what person doesn't have doubts in their mind? I mean, making any major life changing decision is bound to make you have some kind of doubts, right? I likened his question to the "self fulfilling prophesy" belief and all of sudden I am wondering if maybe, just maybe he is right? I mean, what if my fears and doubts are the very reason why I am not pregnant? What if, just what if, I jinxed myself?

Urgh! I hate this. I wish I knew for sure why *I* got the IF card. I mean, beyond the whole "you got bad eggs (as confirmed for me by my RE)," beyond the whole "you waited to long" and my favorite "maybe it is Scott" arguments and really find out who I pissed off in the universe so much so that I ended up being infertile.

I know, I know...poor me. I feel I need to have a pity party. Yes, I feel like this is unfair. As I shake my fist at the universe and stomp my feet, I am tossing myself a pity party; complete with beer and a fine whine.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Bullshit! I know that IF won't kill me but what about a broken heart? I am having a hard time with the fact that holidays are coming up and I will have to pretend again to be happy. I will have to pretend that everything is ok, while crying on the inside. I will have to pretend that I am "over it." Well guess what universe?!?! I am so not over it and I sure as hell won't be over it anytime soon. I am not ready to go out there and pretend. I have had to do it a few times and all the while I was screaming inside. How am I supposed to pretend and deal with this anger? I would not go so far as to say it is an uncontrollable anger but I am quite sure that the longer it simmers, the harder is will be to control.

I feel so alone in my grief. I want to shake people by and beg them to grieve with me. I can feel myself slipping into a deep despair and I just don't know what to do. I am trying to convince myself to get back to the gym, back to dancing, to laughing and that eventual happiness will come. It just seems so far away; so out of my grasp. My anger (and rage) scare me right now. I am afraid I will lash out at the wrong person or say something that I won't be able to take back. I am scared that I will hurt the feelings of someone, loved or otherwise.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Award Time

Thanks Sherry!

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award. List their blog and link to it.

2. Share "10 Honest Things" about yourself.

3. Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.

4. Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

"10 Honest Things About Me:"

1. I am infertile.

2. I have no favorite anything but use the saying "my favorite" all the time. And it annoys me.

3. I have horrible time pronouncing certain words and as a result don't use a lot of words that I know because I can't pronounce them.

4. I sometimes wonder if I was adopted or switched at birth.

5. I have about 90 cousins on my dad's side of the family and can't name most of them. As a matter of fact, I have never even met most of them...and we all live within a few hours of each other.

6. I have a really good memory when it comes time to really odd things. And numbers too.

7. I was an extra in a movie.

8. I am afraid of ghosts and extra terrestrials and all things I perceive as evil.

9. I love to give people gifts and love to watch them rip open the wrapping paper.

10. I miss my grandpa and wish my grandma never had her stroke so I can have my old grandma back.

Ok, I promise that I will come back and nominate some lucky winners.