Friday, February 6, 2009

No tittle

I just reread my last blog post. I realized that I sound very selfish in my rant. Scott made a little remark to me this morning that made me realize he read my blog. No biggie, I want him to read my blog. I realized that my rant was all about me and MY feelings towards my infertility.

I have always assumed that Scott did not have feelings toward my infertility. But, we are a couple and while I mean be the one with bad eggs, we are in this together. It is our infertility. I know that he has some feelings, be they good or bad (happy or sad?) about our infertility. But let's face it...Men handle situations like infertility very differently then women. I have heard women say they hope it's them with the problem because they just don't think their man can handle it. What I should acknowledge is that the emotions that I have toward being unable to conceive are different from Scott's. And, he as a man will handle it differently that I will as a woman.

Men are naturally fixers. I think it frustrates our men when they can't fix us. It is also true that men just are big on sharing their feelings. A man who is also an engineer finds it nearly impossible to share their feelings. I joke with Scott that engineers have no feelings. I know they do but they (male engineers) seem to have the most trouble sharing their feelings.

So back to my last post here. I realize that while Scott may not be shedding tears over our inability to have a baby, he does have feelings about OUR infertility. I guess I have assumed that it is me who wants the baby, it is me with the bad eggs so therefore it is me with all the emotions. My goal for now is to not assume that Scott has no feelings towards our infertility and try to accept that he just because he doesn't verbalize them doesn't mean they don't exist. Well that, and to try to maintain a positive attitude that I will pass the next Lupon Challenge Test.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Don't tell me to stop

To quote Madonna:
"Don't tell me to stop;
Tell the rain not to drop;
Tell the wind not to blow';
Cause you said so, mmm;
Tell the sun not to shine;
Not to get up this time, no, no;
Let it fall by the way;
But don't leave me where I lay down"

I was telling our "house guest"* about my IF troubles and the extreme sadness I am feeling due to failing my Lupron Challenge Test. I know those who have never suffered from infertility think they are being helpful (although some non-if'ers are just assholes) when they say things like don't worry, don't stress, it will happen. I hate being told that if it was meant to be then I wouldn't be having troubles. Anyways, Mr. House Guest told to "get over it." He said that I am probably not meant to have kids. Now, usually this would cause me to say foul words but I am giving this guy a small pass. He is man and can't really empathize with someone who is not his significant other. But I was mad.

I don't have to "get over it" or "stop being sad" about MY infertility. It is MINE and I can be sad about it all I want. I have the right to ask people in MY home to refrain from talking about babies and pregnancy; I have the right to say "NO" to watching movies with titles like "Knocked Up." Don't tell me to stop and "deal with it." I am dealing with it...just not the way you want me to be dealing with it. I don't want your advise...I was some understanding. I want someone to tell me they don't understand my pain per say but they understand this is painful for ME.

DON'T TELL ME TO STOP CRYING ABOUT IT!!! They are MY tears and I can shed them over MY infertility anytime I want to. I admit, I am having trouble knowing there could be an egg maturity issue, egg quality issue or even a diminished ovarian reserve issue. I don't even want to think about donor eggs.

I want to tell people "YOU DEAL WITH IT!" Deal with my sadness, my tears, my endless research and my inability to deal with conversations or movies that are baby related. MY infertility is more important to me then YOUR inability to understand my pain. DEAL WITH IT!