Friday, September 26, 2008

Week 3 down...

and I feel...sore. :(

Ok, probably not as sore as I felt in the beginning but still sore. I have been also doing a cardio-kickboxing class that totally builds a sweat. I love the class though.


Some days I feel super motivated and other days I wonder why I bothered to get out of bed. I feel like no matter how many push ups or sit ups I do, I will not get skinny. My tummy will never be flat. I contemplate cutting even more calories out of diet and wonder just how much water I can add to my day.

I worked out 2 times on tuesday, thursday and friday. But this morning I woke up and thought that since I am not even seeing any results, why should I bother? Then, I realize that if I give up now, then I will never see results.

Great! At least my brain got a great work. LOL!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Yeah! Good News!!

Mosey on over to Lizzy's blog to read about her wonderful news!



Congrats Momma and Daddy! I am so happy for you both.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Ebay/ Paypal Vent


I order a cute pair of go-go boots to wear in my dance class. See, these boots are super heavy so it's like dancing with weights on your legs. I was stoked to get them from Ebay for less then 1/2 the purchase price if I had ordered them from the dance studio. So, I find a pair, choose the "buy it now" option and paid with Paypal. Of course, this occurred over the weekend which means that today my boots are finally being shipped to me. The seller sent me an email stating the expected delivery date is 9/30/08. Great, right?! Well no, since the last go-go dance class for me is 9/26/08. Good thing I was already planning on taking another session or I would no reason to have such a cute (but heavy) pair of go-go boots. Now, here is my vent with Paypal. I have a "verified" account and the money should come out right away. So why, after the funds are removed from my account does it take Paypal 24 hours to notify the seller? Talk about the left hand not shaking the right hand! :(

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Shin Splints and crying

Let's get the tears done with first. Tori Mitchell, a young star who plays for the Sharks, broke his leg and will be out for at least 8 weeks. Why does that bring tears to my eyes? Well, he...in a nutshell...is a damn good hockey player. He gets on the ice and skates his butt off; He shoots the puck whenever possible and he scores! Did I mention he is a team player and works well with Joe Thornton? Did I mention that he skates his butt off and scores?!? Argh!!!

Ok, now that I am done pouting about the Sharks I will talk about shin splints. I know that I was expecting an overnight improvement when I got new running shoes and was therefore disappointed when I didn't get immediate results. So, imagine my surprise when we took our long walk this morning and my shins didn't bother me too much. I went about my morning and got dressed up wearing my new dress from Forever 21 and my cute but very high (4 inch) heels to go to a jewelry party. My shins were fine then too.

So memo to self: Don't run through the grocery store while wearing flip-flops. It will cause your shin splints to hurt...as well as my ankle. Man, I hate this! So now, I am kicking back on the couch in hopes that I feel better by tomorrow morning.

GRRRR!!!

Edited to add: I bought some gloves. They are baseball gloves but since they have leather palms I can still use them for weight training. I also bought a body glove type shirt that is long sleeves and it is super warm. I am using my leg warmers too in an attempt to keep my lower part of my legs warm.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Small IVF Update

I have finally scheduled a few IVF seminars/ tours. So far, we are going to visit two different RE Clinics and I am looking at one more place. We will be visiting Nova IVF and FPNC in a few weeks. I have ruled out Stanford just because it seems like it would be expensive. I have also ruled out RSC due to the egg freeze study fiasco.

Other then that, there is nothing new on the ttc front. I guess since I am supposed to be preventing this cycle to let my uterus heal. We haven't but then again, its not like it happened before this cycle so I wouldn't expect it to happen now.

Week 2 Down!

Week 2 of boot camp is over. My shins are killing me so I broke down and bought some running shoes. I can't determine if I have lost weight. I have determined that the scale at the gym is broken. One scale says I weigh 112 pounds (whoa man! stop the weight loss) and the other says I still weigh 118 pounds. Sorry but a 6 pound difference is huge.

I am still low on calories and have added a high protein shake and high protein bar to my diet. The shake isn't too bad but the serving size is huge. I got very full (to the point of my tummy hurting) after drinking one. Since they aren't cheap, I am planning on using them as needed. The bars are really good and I can see myself buying more in the future.

I think I set a personal record. I worked out 9 days straight and on two of those days, I worked out 2 times that day. Although I don't consider dance a "workout" per say, it is a workout and calorie burner. Before I digress too much as to why I love dance and why I dance I will just say that I love to dance. I like the night life...I love to boogie; I am a dancing, dancing, dancing machine; I like to shake, shake, shake my groove thing. ;)

Scott and I are really only going to the gym together 2 times a week. We still need to make it a goal to do some kind of exercise on Sundays though. Speaking of the gym, when I was at my cardio-kickboxing class last night I worked up quite the sweat. So, I tucked my shirt up and exposed my belly. OMG! All those mirrors don't lie....I have a fat belly. Not a cute fat belly, but a disgustingly fat belly. Every now and then, someone (usually a stranger) will pat my belly and ask me how far along I am or when I am due. I realize now that these people are either blind, stoned and stupid, or just to nice to say "damn girl! You fat!!" I am going with blind, stoned and stupid for the sake of my ego.

I need to invest in some warmer workout clothes. I have been using Therma Care Heat Wraps, which aren't cheap. I put them on in the morning (usually on my back) before I go work out and leave them on until I shower for work. But Scott is getting tired of cuddling up with me and getting his body hair snagged on them. :( I wear fingerless, weight training gloves but I need to get some with fingers. Every morning, my hands are so cold it hurts. But, the gloves have been my saving grace when it comes time to doing push ups...especially on the cold concrete. I think that all I have to report on boot camp this week. I will do another post to update ya'll on the IVF and ttcing.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

No pain, no gain?

Week one down and OMG! I hurt. Oh man, do I hurt. I am hurting in places where I did not even know that I had muscles.

Ok, here are my official measurements. (NOTE: I was supposed to get measured on Monday 9/8 but they were booked up and I have worked out everyday this week and counted my calories)

Chest: 32 (No surprise, I was just measured at Victoria's Secret a few weeks ago)
Waist: 32 (Yikes!!!)
Butt/ Hips: 36
Weight: 117 (I was 120 on Saturday 9/6)
Height: 5'1" (Not really, but I am accountant so I round up! ;))
BMI: 22.7
Body Fat % (BF%): 30%

OMG, I am a fatty. I need to lose 6 pounds in fat and my goal is to gain 4 pounds of muscle. Since muscle weighs more then fat, I will probably weigh about the same that I do now.

I talked to the nutritionist since I am not getting enough protein. I am also severely restricting and topping off my day at less then 1000 calories. I should not be eating less then 1200 calories. She told me to eat an egg (yolk and all) and have a glass of whole or 2% milk. I can also add sashimi and some red meat. Normally, they would advise no more then 3 ounces of red meat but said if I am really low on protein for the day to go up to 5 ounces of red meat. I can also add a protein shake or bar. I was eating peanuts to get protein and stopped since they are high in fat. She said it was ok to put them on my salad or eat peanut butter, but everything in moderation of course.

I will be working out again tomorrow morning in my Pussy Cat dance class. We are dancing to "Labels or Love" by Fergie. Its a cute song. The dance seems rather technical right now. Between Go-Go class and this one, I am learning some great moves. I love dancing and being sassy, even if its for 2 hours a week. To be honest, I am amazed that I made it through this week.

On a side note, I still can't handle pregnancy announcements. Unless of course they are from an IF'er. I want to say "big whoopdy do!" when I hear about this person or that stranger getting knocked up. I want to say, "wow, its no surprise that a fertile person got knocked up!" But, I don't since I would have to explain myself. Nothing like saying to the shocked news announcer, "I am bitter and barren, thank you very much for pouring salt into my wound" to turn the so-called "happy" news into sour news. Seriously though, I don't want to hear it. Walk a mile in my shoes then we'll celebrate your happy news. In the meantime, keep it to yourself. Yes, I am extra bitter these days since I am approaching the 3 year mark of trying. I was so innocent and naive when I thought it would happen so easy. I can't even open the drawer where I stashed baby items for my future baby without keeping shaky and sick to my stomach.

Back to boot camp. I am setting a new goal for myself. I want to look good enough to wear a bikini when we go on our cruise. I haven't wore a bikini on a vacation since Scott took me to Hawaii...in 2005. I mean I have put one on, but I felt so damn sexy in Hawaii. I want to feel that way again. I may even need to sign up for another 4 week session to get that goal achieved but I will do it. Plus, I am not trying at all this cycle (heal uterus, heal!) so I haven't even thought about CM or CP or Preseed. It's not been too good for my sex life since I am too sore to be adventurous and too tired to do much more then the basics, but we are managing. There is nothing wrong with a little vanilla every now and then! ;) Hee hee.

I am also trying not to shop, or even browse too many catalogs. I figure, if I do lose weight and/or inches, I may not fit into clothes that I buy now in a few weeks anyways. Now shoes on the other hand...well, I need to get me a new pair and feed this shoe craving of mine!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Boot Camp...Day 1

Today was the first official day of boot camp. Scott and I got up around 5 a.m. Wow, that in itself is quite the feat for me. With the exception of my running shoes I had everything ready to go last night.

Off I go to Edith Morley Park, in the cold. So not fun. Of course as luck would have it, my little bag with my water and weights broke. :(

We started off the morning with running, sit-ups, push ups, circuit training and jumping jacks. Well, we did all of these exercises over and over.

For the next four weeks, I will be watching what I eat, and avoiding any alcohol.

Right now, I am in the 3 day program since I am also dancing at Sedusa two days a week. Of course, I totally over-did it in my Pussy Cat dance class on Saturday and my little legs were sore even before boot camp started.

So, my goal is to tone up and get into shape. I want my body to be healthy pre-pregnancy. I am hoping that by shaping up some, I can get pregnant a little easier. I am also hoping that with Scott hitting the gym again, we can both get healthy. I mean, it can't hurt, right!?

Who knows, maybe I will do a few boot camp sessions before we go on our cruise.

Friday, September 5, 2008

I am tired!

I am so partied out...pot lucked out...salsa'd out! I love my friends...I really do. But, between the summer traveling and all the parties we have hosted and attended I am tired.

And lets face it, potlucks are fun but sometimes the different variety of foods is just not PCOS friendly.

Of course there is the ass-vise that I just getting. I mean really, I have heard it before people...its not going to change my mind, the situation or help me any. I know people think they are being helpful but it stings to know that people really don't get it. Sure, maybe I am ultra-sensitive when it comes to the topic of babies and my desire to procreate. But, its my desire and I don't feel like I should have to explain it away...or even deny it.

I know that I have posted in the past that a lot of our group of friends is a lot older then me. I guess that is what happens when you date an older man and inherit his friends. I suppose I should be grateful that my friends have no desire to hang with me (due to the fact that I am dating a much older man), since a true friend would stick by me. But, the downside is I hang around these people and have so little in common with them. I don't enjoy the majority of the conversations so I sit and nod and smile and pretend I get it/ give a damn. I know....I am so damn mean. Yep, heard it before. And the sad reality of it is that Scott would feel the same way if we were to hang with my former friends. We would laugh and talk about stuff that Scott either has no interest in or could say "yeah, been there, done that." So, I have spent the summer cringing inside, smiling and nodding on the outside wondering if I could change the topic.

I also wonder if the friends who dropped me after I left mr. asshole ex are wondering why they dropped me and not him. LOL! Yes, I did just type that out! I have got a text message or two from one or two people who "sided" with mr. ex asking how I am and what not. I have even talked to a couple of gals who pretty much hate mr. ex and can't stomach socializing with him now. I have even been told they "miss partying with me." But give the skeptic that I am, I wonder if they are being sincere or trying to get into my good graces to appeal to me to take him back or even spy on me. OMG! That makes me sound so paranoid. (For the record, I don't not is any way, shape or form believe the world revolves around me.)

Its true...I don't have issues, I have the whole subscription. But I can't help but wonder if this is as good as it gets...or is there something better? Better friends, better parties, a better me hiding behind my mediocre self? Sigh! Thinking about this hurts my brain...I need a vacation! ;)

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Getting it off my chest

Ok, so here is the jist of it.

See, Scott is about 15 years older then me. I know that...I knew that going into this relationship. So did he. (Duh!) I walked out of a not so great relationship. Scott makes me beyond happy. I feel so very happy to be in a relationship with someone who respects me and loves me...someone who wants to be happy.

With that said, I obviously walked out of relationship that wasn't as great...that was plagued with problems. I knew that I did not ever want to marry him; or even have children with him. When I left him (the ex), I basically hated him.

So lets fast forward some. Mr. ex got married and had a kid. Fine...shit happens, right?!

I find out (from a reliable source) that Mr. ex is apparently still a part of my family. He and my sister still hang out and talk a lot and he has my nephews...a lot. My nephews call him and email him too. Now, I really thought my nephews would me more accepting of Scott. But, I guess I was wrong. I have gotten to a point where I am totally not talking to my sister (unless she calls first) and not worrying about my nephews. This makes me sad, since I spent years taking care of my nephews.

Ok, so there is more too. See, my mom has always said she was done being a grandma. She didn't want more grand kids, unless of course it were my brothers who had kids. This means they wouldn't be having kids out of wedlock (like me). That's a whole 'nother discussion. My mom knows how much I want kids...and not just any kids, but kids with Scott. Anyways, this source has been telling me that my mother (yes, my own mom) has been showing pictures of Mr. ex's kid to people and bragging that this kid is her grand kid!!! OMG...fuck, fuck, fuck...I can't beileve it. This totally has my blood boiling...to put it mildly. This...from the lady that can't stomach the thought of more grand kids.

And the icing on the cake, you ask?!?! She wants me to testify on Mr. ex's behalf in the custody hearing. Sure, I will testify. I will let everyone know that he is a fucking asshole, not capable of being a good dad, and yes he is a violent man who hits women too. URGH!!!!! I can't even express my anger right now.

And what pisses me off the most is that Scott has been so great to my fucked up family. He has open his home to them...taken them out for dinner. WTF did he do to deserve this? I know that my bitch sister will never accept Scott...nor will she encourage/allow her kids to but my family should be ashamed of themselves. I know I am ashamed of them.

I was only going to blog this...but not publish it. But, I just can not express to Scott just how hurt I am and angry I am in regards to all this. I know that I should let it go and just say "fuck it" when dealing with my family. I am sure Scott would agree but I am afraid of being all alone in the world. I mean afterall, if you don't have your family, then who do you have? I suppose that a whole different post.

Oh, and the icing on the cake??? My whole family knows that I will forgive them over and over again. They know that I am so damn afraid of being alone that I will forgive them. They know that can even guilt me into forgiving them. Ain't life grand!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Labor Day

It was a day of labor all right!

We partied for Scott's birthday. I had to sneak away on Saturday to wrap his gifts, get balloons and do some shopping.

We had an awesome Labor Day/ End of summer pool party. Scott spent a few days smoking all the meat and it smelled good. I kept making myself a plate of food then would sit down only to notice that someone had arrived or needed something. So, I would get up, run around and go to sit back down only to find my plate of food gone or being used as someones trash plate. No worries, except when I got a new plate of food, people kept commenting that I was "eating again!" Of course the same happened with my drinks. I would set them down only to pick them up and sip a way to warm drink. Ewww!

My dear friends Lizzy and Dave dropped by. It was wonderful to visit with them. I am hoping that Lizzy and I can do lunch before her boys are born. I have already made a menu of dishes to bring to them once the boys are born.

I got plenty of ass-vise from people regarding ttc too. I was told to "take a vacation" and one gal even offered up her boyfriend since he wants kids and she doesn't. Of course, she also has a "theory" as to why its just not happening. A few people heard (from me) that I had a lap just less then 2 weeks ago. One lady said that Scott and I should start trying "right now!" I smiled and said my usual "we'll see." If only she knew! There was so much more that I choose to ignore since people can piss a women off.

I finally got my first post-lap cycle. OMG! The pain, the cramps, the whole schabam! I swear that I am bleeding to death. Ok, probally not but this freakin sucks! At least my mood has improved some and I am not running to the restroom to do my panty check. I feel less like to commit a homicide now then I did last week. Life if almost good again.