I just can't believe it

I can't believe that while I am still pregnant, I am going to miscarry. I hate saying that word. It sucks to know that this baby growing that was growing inside me is no long growing. The words "I am sorry Mrs. Fish stick, but your pregnancy will not progress" changed everything. I am sad, angry, what the hell is this emotion inside me? How can I have gotten so damned attached to this baby? In the span of a weekend, I grew to love my baby and got excited about being baby fish sticks mommy.

Damn it! I am infertile enough to know that bad things happen to they who would be good mommies. But why? Why do these things happen?

I felt so guilty that I got a bfp after my first IVF and there were gals supporting me who were struggling through their 5th and final IVF. There were gals supporting me who knew IVF was out of their reach.

I know that something like 50% of pregnancies end in an early miscarriage and most women going through an early miscarriage never knew they were pregnant to begin. But I knew that I had a little baby inside me. I had early morning sickness (OK, make that all day sickness). I said out loud, "man this would suck if this pregnancy doesn't work after dry heaving over and over." I guess I jinxed myself. :(

So now I am back at square one. Sort of. It sucks to say that I lost this pregnancy. I mean, I did not lose it per say. I am not actively miscarrying yet. No, see, I am still waiting for that part. I am in limbo, I suppose. That makes me even angrier.

I want to force myself to grieve this loss and "get over it." I am just not sure that I can get over it. I guess and I can do is grieve and prepare myself for a future FET.