Friday, May 29, 2009

Drive by blog

Not ready to share any BIG news yet...but check out my IVF calender on the right hand side of my blog. Or, you can checkout my FF in also on the right hand side of my blog.

Long story short, I may have a good number, it's not great. Being cautious until I know more.

Stay tuned for further updates.

Thanks for lending support and asking about me. I really appreciate it.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

1 day to B-day

I wish I just knew already. Did this IVF work?

I am strangely at peace, at least right now, if this IVF does not work. I know that I have 3 snow babies and I know that I have already paid for another IVF cycle. Well, another cycle but not another cycle of meds. Those meds cost so dang much too. :(

I know that this IVF might now work. But right now, tonight I feel sad for those girls still trying. I feel guilty that I am here, in the midst of this crazy IVF cycle and there are girls who may never get this opportunity. There are girls who have tried as long and I have and they are just getting the testing done. There are girls who have been trying as long and I have and they are stuck trying clomid or femera. I hate that IVF is so expensive. I hate that the medications for IF cost an arm and a leg. I hate that crack whores and still-living-with-mommy-and-daddy teenagers can get pregnant at the blink of an eye. I hate that it was 3 long years before I even got to the point that I can try IVF.

I guess no matter what, I will have my answer tomorrow. If it's a bfn, well, I will thank the good lord for my 3 snow babies. If it's a bfp, well, I will be happy. I will thank the good lord for my blessing(s). But I will be afraid until I am actually holding my baby (or babies) in my arms.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

My ticker

I just realized that I have to open my blog everyday and look at my ticker. The funny thing is, I need to do this to truly remind myself of is next. What's the next step in the IVF process. I then I get hit with the "oh yeah, there is no 'next step' but waiting." My ticker actually scares me some. I mean, it about a week from today, I will know for sure if IVF worked for me.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My back hurts

My back hurts...that tell-tale "OMG, AF is on her way" back ache. Honestly I am scared. What if AF shows? What if this is a sign? A sign that IVF won't work for me or that my embies are not good embies? Is this my fate?

I am somewhat at peace if this first IVF does not work. I have 3 frozen embies that I can put back in but what if those embies don't work? What if I have to resort to IVF #2? I understand that statistically, IVF may not work. I know many a wonderful ladies who did IVF cycle after IVF cycle and no luck. I know this happens and it is so horribly painful and unfair.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Blogging about bio-dad

A couple of weekends ago, my sister had a get together at her house. My sister is my only full-blooded sibling; the rest are either step or half. The reason for the gathering you ask? My bio-dad was driving into town to visit my sisters house. We (Sis and I) planned out a meal and who was cooking/ bringing what. I haven't seen my bio-dad is 13 years. That's right, 13 long years. There was no true reason behind that non-visits. It's just that I wasn't really raised by my bio-dad, rather I was raised by my step-dad.

I have to say, it was a really nice visit! I really do miss my dad and as an adult, I have learned to accept and even appreciate my step-mom. My dad is just like I remembered him to be and it was nice just to sit and talk with him. Granted, we have to take some time now to get to know each other again but I am determined to keep in contact now.

I thought for sure that I would have tons to blog about after this visit. I mean, 13 years is a long time to go without a visit. Hell, we only talk about once a year and our phone calls are fairly short.

In other news, I have no "pregnancy symptoms" and I am not expecting any. My uterus a uterus? I will not POAS before my beta and can only hope and pray for the best.

Friday, May 15, 2009

ET done

Today was my embyro transfer. I went to bed last night with the firm plan to transfer back two embies. After getting today's embie report, I decided on putting back 3.

Our embie report was this:

Of the eggs that were ICSI'd, we had 1 6-celled embie with no fragmentation, grade A and 1 6-celled embie with 5% fragmentation, grade A.

Of the eggs that were not ICSI'd, we had 1 6-celled embie with no fragmentation, grade A, 1 5-celled embie with no fragmentation, grade A, one 10-celled embie with no fragmentation (not graded due to too many cells) and one 8-celled embie with dark spots (again, not graded).

As other IVF'ers do, I did name my embies. I stuck with a theme near and dear to my heart. The three embies we put back are now known as Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe and Maurice "The Rocket" Richard. For those non-hockey fans, I named my embies after hockey's greatest players.

Wayne Gretzky is now the coach for the Phoenix Coyotes. Wayne was perhaps one of the best goal scorers in hockey and is often referred to as the "The Great One."

Gordie Howe has a "hat trick" (a goal, a fight and an assist) named for him. He was known "Mr. Hockey" and is 6 decades, 32 pro seasons, 2589 career points, 1,071 goals, 29 all-star appearances, all time regular season scoring champ (NHA & WHA combined) all time game winning goal champ, only athlete in the world to play against players in every decade of the pro league's existence (NHL 1920-s to present).

Last but not least Maurice "The Rocket" Richard. The Rocket was known for being a passionate play with a little bit of a short temper. He also the first to score 500 goals in one season over 50 games and 500 career goals.

I know...I am an obsessed hockey fan!

The embies that we are freezing also got named. Patrick Roy (great and famous net minder), Mark Messier (only professional athlete to captain 2 teams) and Mario Lemieux (the "savior" of the Pittsburgh Penguins).

Now the crazy 2WW begins. Grow embies, grow!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I wonder

I am sure I am crazy for wondering this but this craziness is either a side effect from the progesterone or a true sign that I fell off the crazy tree. I am wondering what my embies are doing or thinking right now. Thoughts such as "I wonder if mommy will ever eat chocolate again?" or "Hmmm...if I am a girl, will daddy build me a shoe closet?" I wonder if my embies are leaving finger prints on the sides of their petri dishes or tossing and turning waiting to get out and play.

Ok, please don't point out the obvious. I know my embies are made up of but a few cells and aren't actually thinking or talking to each other. I know they don't even have finger prints and the urge to go play outside. But really, I can't help but contemplate what is going on with my little embies.

My embies. How can I be so attached to a little clump of cells that I get sad thinking some of them might not make to a baby? I certainly can't hold them in my arms but the mere thought of letting them go hurts me. I feel selfish is saying that I want all of them to survive and the ones I don't put back, I want to freeze. But I can't justify throwing away my unused embryos. I wish it were tomorrow so I can see my embies and know their status.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Fert Report

Dr. called today with the fert report.

Out of 8 follies, we go 7 eggs.

Out of 7 eggs, 3 were ICSI'd. Of those 3, two were mature and fertilized.

4 eggs were not ICSI'd. Of those 4, 4 were mature and fertilized.

Looking at a 3 day transfer, we transfer sometime on Friday.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

ER done!

Today was ER day. I slept really good except for I kept dreaming that I got to the office and was told that I already ovulated. Yikes!

I took my Valium at 10 this morning and off we went to the clinic. I got into my gown and situated on the bed. From there, it seemed everything moved really fast. I can recall the doctor starting my IV with saline and he explained the meds that he was going to be giving me. At this point, Scott joined me in the room. I got some meds and was told things will start soon. Before the second set of drugs was put into my IV, the embryologist came into the room to verify my name (where did she come from?) and then more drugs were put into my IV. At this point, I could feel the doctor positioning me but wow! I was feeling pretty darn good. From here, I can recall him telling me what was going on but really did not feel much. I was listening to Black Uhuru on my iPod and feeling the need to close my eyes. Not so much to sleep but to "rest." The doctor then said he was starting the aspiration and the first few my be a little uncomfortable. There was some pain but not overly bad. Scott and I got to watch on the monitor, which was so cool. You could see the needle enter each follie and then the follie would collapse. This part seemed to move very quickly. When all was done, I got another drug in my iv to reverse the affects of the first two drugs.

About 20 minutes after the actual retrieval, I was told we got 7 eggs out of my 8 follies. The doctor was really very pleased. I made the decision at that point to do a partial ICSI.

The nurse kept me at the clinic for a while since I would get dizzy upon sitting up. I was slightly nauseous on the ride home but survived without losing it. I was really in and out this afternoon, alternating between drowsy and wide awake. I got a great nap before dinner.

I am now dealing with crampy, bloated feelings and chugging water like no tomorrow. I am hoping I don't get OHSS. I have had OHSS with an injects/ iui cycle in the past. My lower tummy muscles are super sore right now too.

Tomorrow, we will get the fert report. Until then, I think I will be on pins and needles.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Trigger tonight

ER is scheduled for Tuesday at 11 a.m. OMG! I am so nervous and excited and scared and happy all at once.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Super Award

The wonderful Sherry nominated me for this award. I have to mention that I love Sherry's blog and follow it. It's hard not to blog about yourself on your own blog. So when I blog, I try to tell a story...making it interesting to read.

Now, I get the honor of nominating some wonderful blogger's for this super cool award. I am nominating:

Mommy Shoes over at Critter Tales,

Lizzy at Over My Head,

Mrs. Warrior over at Infertility Warrior,

and Barb over at Fertility Challenged in Fl.

I would normally link these wonderful blogs but I don't want to upset anyone trying to keep their blog private.

If the blogger's I nominated don't mind, please comment me and I will link your blog.

My not so favorite day of the year...

Mother's day. A day to celebrate mothers. Sure, I could slap a smile on my face and celebrate with the mothers in my family. That should make me feel great...really fucking great. I mean, celebrating a holiday for mothers surrounded by women who had no trouble conceiving. Wonderful. Toss in some hormones from IVF and I am sure mothers day will be fan-funking-tastic. Maybe I could sleep in on mothers day...all day. Hiding under the covers won't solve anything I know but I really don't want to be out and about hearing people wishing each other a happy mothers day.

A small part of me was hoping that by mothers day, I would have had ER and ET so at least I can say for a little while that I am a little bit pregnant and a mommy to some embies, even if its just for a little while.

Please God, let this IVF work.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Mid-IVF update

I went yesterday for my first E2 check for this IVF cycle. I think my theme is slow and steady wins the race. My estrogen is rising slowly but still rather nicely.

I have a couple of bruises from the shots but I can survive it. I am finally starting to feel the bloating and I am aware that my little ovaries are quite awake now.

Will update more when I can.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

It's Saturday

I used to not like Saturdays. My usual Saturdays consisted of cleaning my house from top to bottom. I would do load after load of laundry, walk the dogs a few times, and shop for groceries. All that has changed. I usually sleep in and then have a cup of coffee and some breakfast. I have been going to a my Saturday morning Turbo kick class now that tax season is over too. Most Saturdays, I do clean the bathrooms and some laundry. Since I don't have doggies anymore, I don't have any dogs to walk. I mostly like my Saturdays now. Today is one of those days that I get to cuddle under a blankie on the couch and watch movies.

Yesterday I had my baseline ultrasound. My lining is nice and thin and my ovaries are cyst free. I had 9 antral follies. This has me worried but I am hoping for the best right now. I can't really even blog about this...the emotions are all over the place right now.

Actually, my IVF has me in full blown panic. I know is this not unusual but it doesn't make me feel better.