Friday, October 31, 2008

"His Panic"

Waiting to board our flight out of SFO, I noticed there was a section on the plane ticket to complete. It asked for nationality, emergency contact name and phone number. Now, I tend to confuse "nationality" with "ethnicity" quite often. For the line that said nationality, I intended to write in Hispanic (my ethnicity). Instead I wrote His (space) Panic. Yes, I am His Panic. Nice! I looked at my ticket after completing it and bust out laughing. I could not believe that I wrote in the words His Panic. I showed the ticket to DBF who got a good laugh. He looked at his ticket and wondered if he should fill in "Her Panic" for his nationality. BTW, yes we are both American.

We were finally able to check into our hotel last night. We got our room key and walked across the courtyard to our room (BTW, is left and right switched in the UK?) and proceed to open the door and see our room...with a single bed. Now, I am all for being cozy in bed and sleeping close Scott at night but a single bed? Really?!? We went back to front desk and it was suggested they could put a folding bed in the room too. Uh...sure...right. We fight for the center of the bed when we sleep in our California King bed at home. Luckily, we were able to switch to a room that had 2 single beds. Yes, our first night of hotel sex and we slept like Ward and June Cleaver.

We did eat at a wonderful Thai and Indian restaurant last night. I was torn between Thai cuisine and Indian cuisine. After dinner, we walked to a bar/pub of sorts and got a night cap. I love a shot of Amaretto right before bed on a cold night. Not a full glass (and I don't actually shoot the drink) but just a small splash to warm the bones.

This is our last day in Hitchin. We will hop a train and go to London for the weekend and then head out to Helsinki on Monday. I hear it will be even colder there.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Royale with Cheese!

We have landed in the UK. Right now, Scott and I are at his office...going on 27 hours of no real sleep. But it’s all good. Cold...but good. We stopped at McDonalds to grab a bite to eat before coming into the office. Instantly, the scene from "Pulp Fiction" popped into my head.

“Do you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese?” “They don’t call it a quarter pounder with cheese?” “Nah, man, they use the metric system over there. They don’t know what the fuck a quarter pound is!” “So what do they call it then?” “A Royale with Cheese!” “Royale with cheese! What do they call a Big Mac?”

So, we go and yes…you can order a quarter pounder with cheese! The “value” meals that are so darn huge in America are much smaller here in the UK. Actually, it was a good amount of food.

In other news…the girls still hurt. Not as bad as they were hurting but they still hurt. I am also breaking out slightly. This is a sign to me that AF will be showing up here in the UK to join me on this trip. I also got my usual pre-AF cramps. I don’t mind per say since I figured it would be nothing shy of a miracle with end up pregnant using the old fashioned method. But since I have such strong post-o symptoms, I wondered if my body is actually working for a change. Back in the bc days, I would get a terrible headache about a week before af. Sometimes these headaches would turn into migraines and I would be knocked on my butt for a day or so. Well, I would get this headache once in a blue moon during a medicated cycle but never as regular as it was while I was on bc. Well, it got that headache while on the plane ride over here. And I know this headache….it is different from a regular headache. I almost jumped for joy since to me it’s another sign that working out has been doing my body (and hormones good!).

I know that by the end of this trip, I will have many more things to blog about. Since I can’t be certain that I will always have an internet connection here, I will try to blog when I can. Go Sharks!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Sick, sick, sick!

This story talks about a mother who was disappointed about the fact that her second baby was a boy, and not a girl. She goes on to explain she suffered depression, "she wanted to die...she wanted her baby to die."

OMG! You have got to be fucking kidding me. I would love to smack this women upside the head a few times. Does she not realize the miracle of pregnancy? Does she not realize that some women would give anything to have a baby and we don't care what we get?

Sure, she got her some counseling and has learned to love baby #2 to the point that baby #1 feels left out. But she is in despair that she didn't get a girl...and so is her hubby.

D'Oh! How sad. I want to write the columnist and let her know just how sick this made me. I wanted to let her know that she should have responded with "hey, at least you have 2 great kids bitch!" Oh, and she wants to know how to deal with her grief? You have got to be kidding me.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Boot Camp part Dos

Lets see, week 1 of my second full boot camp is over. I am pretty sore and blame that on my having to do extra push ups yesterday due to my tardiness. While doing them, I thought to myself "wouldn't it be funny if every time you were late to something, you had to do push ups?" See, I have this pet peeve: don't be late to your doctors appointment or your hair appointment." I hate waiting for my turn because you were late.

Speaking of hair appointments, I made a minor change to my hair style. I have had the same style for so long and I was ready for something slightly different but not dramatically different. I am fine with changing up the color and so so all the time. (Hey, gotta cover those darn grays!) So, last night I asked my simply wonderful hair gal (and friend) if she could make a small change. She knows that I am trying to grow my hair long (more on this in a moment) and so she suggested some layers and bangs. So know I have some layers and a whispy layer of bangs that are angled cut and fairly long still. It looked so very cute when she flat ironed my hair post color and cut.

Ok the long hair thing! See, I have thick, frizzy hair. It is somewhat heavy and can also appear very fly away. I also have a very oily scalp (thanks pcos) and limited patience when it comes to styling my hair. So usually my hair never grows longer the my shoulders (no really, even if I don't cut it!). I have tried growing it and growing it but it seems to stop growing around shoulder length. Since I have been off birth control and on prenatal vitamins, my hair has gotten slightly longer. This is the length (just passed my shoulders) that I get fed up with the heavy pony tail and frustrated with my lame styling attempts and off it goes. I am amazed that I am sticking to my "honey if you don't shave off your beard, I won't cut my hair" deal.

Ok, back to boot camp. We had our timed test today and I sucked! My mile run actually went up from last test day. But, my push up test was a little better. I was able to do a few more then last test day. All and all, I would say I am getting stronger but my lung capacity (endurance?) hasn't improved one bit. I swear, I sound like a 3 pack a day smoker when I run. I hack and cough and huff and puff and puff some more. I have decided that I have the lung capacity of a rock. But, I really pushed myself today and plan to keep doing so.

PS: the title is boot camp part two for the non-spanish speakers/ readers! ;)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

National Infertility Awareness Week

October 19 to October 25 is "National Infertility Awareness Week." Resolve has some great information about NIAW and infertility in general.

So a topic near and dear to my heart; it gets a week of attention, mainly by other IF'ers but hey! Its a start, right?!

What a condundrum!

"Guys like women who are in shape, toned up and well...not 'thick'," so says one of the "Stepford's" I was talking to this morning during boot camp. She goes on to say, "But, guys don't like girls who workout more then they do, eating little meals, only order salads and talk diet and calories all the time. What's a girl to do?"

So let me explain why I (well, all the boot campers) call this lady a Stepford (think the Stepford wives). She rises super early to make some gourmet, fancy dinner (to serve later in the evening), cleans her house and then styles her hair and apply make up before showing up at 5:30 in the morning for boot camp. And there is a whole group of them...friends either made during boot camp or ladies who knew each other before boot camp. None of these women have visible cellulite....or body fat...or even acne. Yes, I envy them...but I also pity them.

I tell people I am WYSIWYG. (What you see is what you get) I am not a gourmet cook. I told Scott early on that I can make salsa...and a few dishes but that's it. I joke that I am not "domesticated" (yes, I realize the word should be domestic) and that I may be a neat freak, but I hate cleaning.

Guess what? I have cellulite...and body fat...and acne. Although I am happy my body fat dropped to 28.something, its not enough. My weight is healthy but I find myself obsessed with counting calorie and monitoring my fat intake. I am trying to figure out how to work out everyday of the week and how many calories I will burn with each work out.

I can only imagine if I feel this way what my fellow camper (Mrs. Stepford) must be feeling. I feel like she takes all the qualities I don't have (early riser to cook gourmet meals), added the qualities I do have (super clean) and tossed is a great body to get her kind of obsession. If I feel neurotic about getting in shape, she is driving herself batty to stay in shape. Oh yeah...she has kids too and is the PTA! Ok, that part kinda makes me bitter since I fear being a bad mom more then I fear never being a mom.

So what is a girl to do? We (well, some of us) were taught early on in life to always be attractive lest our man goes off and finds himself an attractive woman. We were taught never to talk dieting with our man and it's ok to eat a big meal or even long as we do diet and stay trim. Do women have to be perfect all the time or is skinny, PTA mom, Stepford wife making the regular Jane Doe's out there seem normal. for thought. Uh, make that a salad for thought, hold the tasty but fattening ingredients with a small splash of vinegar (oh how I miss 1000 island dressing!)!

Monday, October 20, 2008

La Tortura

Shakira's sings "you said you loved me like no other but you can't live on bread alone." Wikipedia describes La Tortura as "It tells the story of a woman who has been emotionally "tortured" because her boyfriend cheated and eventually left her for another, and has now returned begging forgiveness. He apologises extravagantly, but is ultimately thinking that some infidelity is natural for men and that for the woman not to forgive him would be tiresome and unreasonable. However, on the end of the song, Shakira's character humiliates him and says that she is not going to shed a single tear over him." Now, this blog is not about a cheating me mate but about me cheating on my diet. And the sad part of it all is I am actually at my goal weight of 116 pounds and lost another inch off my waist. So why do I think I can't forget about counting calories? Ok, I haven't been too bad per say but there is no way that Sheppard's pie I had for dinner last night was low-cal. Oh sure, it may have been on the healthy side but then throw in the spiced egg nog (400 calories!!) and I am sure that I went over my daily caloric intake. I am working up towards 1400 calories a day (up from 1200). And if it were up to me (and practical,) I would live on carbs alone!!

Also, I am still pushing myself as much as I can at the gym and boot camp. Yes, I signed up for another session. Scott and I will be going out of town (Hello UK and Finland!) so I will miss a total of 8 days. So, I paid for 12 days of boot camp but will only be on the hook for another boot camp since I will only be able to attend 9 or 10 session of this camp. So, I foresee one more mini-camp in my future.

I found out I also qualify for the worlds worst sister/ aunty. Ok, probably not but some people love to be the victim and make everyone else the villain. It should really come as no surprise since I seriously can not stomach family drama, I tend to avoid my family as much as I can. So, if I miss a birthday party (that I was given almost no notice of) people shouldn't act like it's the end of the world.

I had a neuro visit last week to get my migraine script refilled. My neuro is awesome really and takes very careful notes at every appointment. He noted at my last visit that I was ttcing and we would discuss a change in my migrane meds should I conceive. Well, that has happened yet and at my visit (its been almost 3 years since my last appointment) he asked if I had good news to tell him. I said "no" and further explained our IVF plans. He told me he is very sorry and wished it did not have to be this difficult. Wow! I thought I was going to cry.

Happy Oktoberfest!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Drive by blog update

I just finished off my 2 week mini-boot camp today. Really, it was a lot of fun and I will hate giving up my boot camp. It is truly motivating for me and I love the "team spirit." There is a wonderful group of gals who are becoming "repeat victims" and we all love to chat in the mornings. I can tell you that I have made some progress and building endurance.

With that said, this past week, I sucked at food logging and my diet in general. I kept saying that I will do better once October 15th passes but I haven't even been good about drinking water. My eating and portion control is out the window and I have been eating cheese and using butter like it's going out of style. :( As a result, my poor tummy is suffering and I am totally bloated. Of course it doesn't help that ovulation should be occurring right around now (in theory!) and I have some ovulation type pains and my usual ovulation bloat. Oh, the joys of being a women!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Are you ready for some HOCKEY?!?!

That's right...It time for Hockey! I have been anxiously awaiting this day since the end of the last hockey season. I am so freakin' excited; I can't even sit still! The team has made some changes, added some new D's. We sent down some guys who just weren't playing up to par and have some great kids on the team still. Now, they just need to get out there and skate (oh and shoot the puck too!) GO SHARKS!!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


Ok, for starters, it is an extremely bad idea to go into any weight loss/ workout program with unreal expectations. I have to accept that I will not ever look like Arnold, and can't expect to look like a $1,000,000 after just 4 weeks of boot camp.

So, here are the numbers:

Weight: 117 (still!)
Height: 5'1" (yeah, not getting any taller!)
Bust: 31.5 (I lost 1/2 an inch!! The outrage!! They weren't big to begin with! Why or why for the love of Pete Sake's is it that we lose from the boobs first?!?!)
Waist: 31 (yes! I lost 1 whole inch!)
Butt/Hips: 36 (no change)
Upper Thigh: I don't remember the first or second measurement but I know that I lost 1 full inch.
Calf: I don't remember the first or second measurement but I also lost 1 full in there too.
BMI: 22 (I was never concerned about my BMI since I know that it was in the healthy range)
Body Fat %: 29.3 (I only lost 0.7% in body fat?!? Man, I suck!!)

All and all, I feel like I am ok with the numbers. They (the trainers) were impressed since most women tend to increase their body fat before they lose it. I know that right now, my numbers show that I am healthy. So, I am still not totally focused on weight loss and may plan to drop a few more pounds but I am completely focused on building more muscle, dropping more fat and toning up. I know that all that I am doing will help me achieve my goals and I just need to stick with it. I also have to accept that I just can't stop eating healthy and must continue eating lean proteins, lots of veggies, lower my carb intake and drink a ton of water. That and oh yeah, the bad stuff that I want to eat I will have to eat in moderation. (God, I miss cheese...and chocolate...and french fries...)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Nothing new to report...yet...

I mentioned in a previous post that I need to get my post camp measurements. I still need to do so and will hopefully have good news (and great results) to post tomorrow. I was supposed to get measured Monday morning but between the weird lady in the park taking pictures and Danielle's flat tire, Monday didn't work out. I am doing a 2 week mini-camp designed for those who didn't meet all their goals during the last camp. 1 day down and 5 more (sessions) to go. I also went to the gym this morning and did some ab work.

Here is some good news: I can go upside down on the stripper pole now! Its not totally perfect but given that its been over a year since I was able to, I am excited. Scott even go to see it. See, in order to go upside down, you need abs strong enough to pull your butt up. I was able to in the beginning but then started injects and never was able again until this past weekend.

Speaking of this past weekend (trigs alert), a topic came up at a party. Its a political topic and for me an extremely emotional one too. Somehow the conversation turned to abortion. I can't even stomach talking about it and how some people can make what I consider such a selfish decision. Ok, I am not going to be PC here damn it, its my blog. Seriously, I wanted to say out loud that if you are too damn stupid to keep you legs closed then you should have been strapped down to a table until your baby is born. Then, your baby would have been given to a couple (or single person) who wants kids, who deserves kids and who just can't have them thanks for infertility. Then we can just shoot your dumb ass in the head and rid the world of another moron. But, I didn' know with polite company and all. I wanted to grab the pro-choicer and let her know that babies feel pain when they are being aborted. The human baby did not asked to be conceived. Birth control is always an option, dumb ass. You made the decision to not take precautions (unless you are just so damn fertile that even precautions don't work for you) and you choose to be selfish and murder an innocent human. To me, saying you're pro-choice is like saying your pro-selfish, pro-murder, pro-putting an innocent baby through pain that we can't even imagine. But, I digress. The simple fact that people who can take their fertility for granted and choose abortion makes me sick. And so extremely fucking jealous that they can even make that choice while I sit and twiddle my thumbs and wonder if I will ever see a truly positive pregnancy test and hold my baby in my arms.

Now, before ya'll jump on me and tell me I am wrong and its not selfish and aborted babies feel no pain, remember this is my damn blog; it;s my opinion. I kept my mouth shut for a reason. I will not force my beliefs onto anyone (unless they choose to push their beliefs onto me!). I also want to say that I do not have a problem with people choosing abortion in the case or rape or incest. Please don't come on my blog and talk to about God's will and the rape/ incest resulting pregnancy. I don't believe God intended for man to rape a woman and then say that pregnancy is God's will. I will also never say that about incest either. I will say abortion should not be used as a means of birth control.

Ok, now that I got that off my chest, I wanted to add one more little tidbit. I was pro-lifer way before I was an infertile woman. I was raised by mainly pro-choice women and pro-choice men. I judge all people the same when it comes time to abortions (friends, family, strangers) and I can admit to it.

This topic has been on mind since sunday. It literally dragged me down, brought me to tears if I thought about it and got me very depressed.

Friday, October 3, 2008

I kicked butt...

at San Jose Adventure Boot Camp! I survived my 3 day a week, 4 week boot camp program. I even worked out on my own and took two dance classes too. Now, I still can't say that I lost weight but it is important to remember that muscle weighs more then fat.

I was proud of myself every time I bumped up the weight of my dumbbells. I was ecstatic to be able to the hip lifts.

Ok here are some numbers:

Week 1:

Timed 1 mile run: 14:11
Pushups: 15 in one minute

We didn't get tested again until today.

Week 4:

Timed 1 mile run: 12.29
Pushups: 31 in one minute

My goal was to shave 2 minutes off my run time. I was close but still have some work. Truly, I have the lung capacity of a rock. I can't hold my breath to save my life and breathe all wrong when I run. But I am getting better. My second goal was to be able to do double the pushups. Well, I am happy to say that I did it!! Yeah me.

Tomorrow, after cardio-kickboxing I will get my measurements. I am kinda bummed since I am totally bloated right now (thanks Aunt Flo!!) but figure that I committed, I pushed myself harder then ever and I do look a little thinner. So I have to assume that I lost some inches from somewhere (please not from my boobs!!).