Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Gutsy, Stupid or what?

I want to start off by saying this may have happened to me before but this time it just blew me away. Here is a conversation I has this morning with a new client.

Client: So, do you have plans for this saturday or can I take you out for dinner?
Me: Yes, I do have plans...I am picking up my Husband from the airport.
Client: Oh, so you're married?
Me: Happily married.
Client: Nice earrings...I suppose that's why your "husband" (he did the quote with his fingers in the air) hasn't put a ring on your finger...he's putting all those diamonds in your ears and nose.
Me: Haha...actually, my husband has decided that for every year we are together, he is going to add another diamond to the band...its in the shop right now getting that done...
Client:! I guess its a good thing I am not taking you this weekend then...You seem kinda high maintenance.
Me: Uh yeah...and how much did you want to pay for your taxes again?
Client: Ha ha...I guess I should stop while I am ahead.

So I'd like to point out that I am not really married to Scott but do considered him my soul mate. I would also like to add that I have a rather large (8 x 10) picture of Scott and I in my office, as well as a few smaller photos too.

Now, I don't think I qualify for any beauty queen. I think I am just ok. But, we are our own worst critics, right? I have had a manager at a restaurant follow to my car, attempt to pick me up and then give me a free meal, even when I said I was not single. I have had a few clients here and there ask me out. Heck, Scott was one of those clients. I was shocked by this guys (new clients) arrogance. I mean, wow!

Have at it readers: Does a ring stop you from pursuing someone? If someone says their married and you don't see a ring do you assume it's a lie or their marriage is in trouble?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

People Piss ME Off!!

Word to the wise, never tell an infterile woman "wait until you have kids of your own." Uh hello dipshit! I have been waiting! I have been waiting for quite a while, thank you very much. Don't tell me if its gods will it will happen. Of course its his will. Last time I checked I still have a vagina. If I were not ment to have kids I would not have been given a vagina from birth. And for the love of Pete Sakes, please DO NOT tell me that it will happen someday if I would just relax. I am relaxed...that is until I hear some stupid comment out of your mouth about how I should just wait until I have kids of my own!!

To make matters worse, its only tuesday and my week has been crap! I left my atm card at the dry cleaners. When I went back to get it, they claimed they did not have it. So, I had to run to the ATM and use my credit union atm card to get cash to pay for my waxing. Normally not a problem, but since I had to use a different atm card then my credit union I got charged a fee. Did I mention that my IVF funds are being socked away into this account so its not like I have $$ to spare. Ack! Then, I tried on my pants this morning and they are huge on me. I swear last week they fit fine. So now, I am pretty sure that I am going to have to mail them back to Victoria's secret (along with the other pair I bought) and exchange them for a different size. I may just keep them and go for the whole "Calvin Klein Model" look. LOL!

I haven't had coffee in a few days and I am starting to feel dragy too. To top it off, I have to hear my mother say over and over how she "had" to go with my sister and nephew to LA and they have 100 excuses as to why they did not fly, blah, blah, blah. She said she did not want my sister to do it herself. Uh, yeah. How come she will help my siblings but when it comes to me, no go. And I really don't care to hear about my brothers "great" accomplishments and how he is going to "work for god." Whatever! Holy Smokes! She is telling the story again! ARGH!!!

I miss Scott. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. But, he is probally happy to not have me venting to him about this right now! LOL! I am been emailing him on a daily basis, filing him in on my day.

Monday, March 24, 2008

The good news is...

You're still unexplaned. My IVF co-ordinator called me today and has determined that I do not have PCOS. I have been diagnosed and undiagnosed with PCOS so many times now. She said to continue to take 1000 mg of metformin for now since it does seem to be helping with my weight issues and my testosterone. Wait?! I don't have PCOS but metformin (the wonder drug for PCOS'ers) is helping me with issues that commoningly plague those with PCOS?! Color me confused. I finally found out Scott's blood type (O+) and am relieved to find out that I am immune to chicken pox and german measels. Our infectious disease came back in the clear (no surprise really) and my hormone levels were fine. My fsh was a nice low 4.8. My lh was 4.2. My tsh was is the normal range as was my prolactin. The metformin must also be keeping that nice and low. In the past, it has gotten rather high. We are still "hurring up to wait" but I am relieved that we got the labs out of the way. I am still waiting on Scott's full s/a results.

Being "unexplained" just sucks though. I mean, if you have PCOS or endo, you know you have a problem. Sure, we have male factor issues but it seems like there are ways around it. My lining has never been too bad. I just don't get it.

On a side note, I did pretty good last night. Last night was truly my first night alone. I didn't sleep with all the lights on in the house. Of course I did sleep twisted into a pretzel and woke up horribly sore. I slathered ben-gay all over myself the help relax my sore muscles then took a hot shower.

23 mores days until the end of tax season!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

I'm infertile, not stupid!

This is my 3rd tax season ttcing. See, I do taxes for a living and live my life based on tax season's. For example, tax season 2004, Scott and I started dating. In the "real world" that means that Scott and I started dating in 2005. Way back when I didn't want to consider a tax season baby. The longer I tried, the more I realized I didn't care. So you may ask, "whats that got to do with the price of enchilada's in July?" Well, this is also the first tax season that I have been letting my clients know that I am infertile. Now, it's not like I am shouting it out, catching them by surprise. It's in response to that dreaded question, "when do you plan on having kids?" I have tried to be nonchalant about my answer in the past but now I can't anymore. I want the whole world to be extremely well educated about infertility and the toll it takes on a women mentally as well as physically. My response is usually, "when I save up $15K for IVF." Once I get the "confused" look, I explain that after more then 2 years of trying, we have no rhyme or reason for not ending up pregnant. Our only hope if IVF.

On a side note, I have been trying really hard to save for IVF. I really want to apply for loans or credit card to pay for IVF. I know that is really irresponsible. But I want to be a mommy. I know that I will not be doing my children a favor by having debts that are out of my control.

I had a new client ask me if "I am qualified to do his taxes?" I wanted to answer "yes you dumb fuck, I am inferile, not stupid!!!" Instead, I explained my qualifications and proceeded to pick up a new client for my office.

Agian, I have to wonder about my posts. They seem so scattered. I used to be much better at writing. I guess when I am "blogging" my thoughts/ feelings I don't have to be "perfect."

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Its just not fair, damnit!

I was going to blog about how much it hurts to read pregnancy blogs and blogs about people doing ART of sorts. For the laymen, ART stands for "Assisted Reproduction Technology." I am truly thrilled for my IF friends who are still trying and for those who are now pregnant. But, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I am jealous of those who have this great health coverage and can get IVF for a fraction of the cost. I am jealous of those who have an asset to borrow against to pay for IVF.

But then I logged onto lounge place. One of my fellow Ifer's who conceived through IVF was having some streaking/ spotting. Then, more bad news. She found out her baby boy was gone. I was in shock when I found out. Tears started to burn my eyes. She was due in 30 days. Her baby was ok, then he was dead. How could this happen? Why did fate/karma/god (pick your choice) do this to her? She was so close. I have checked a few times more for updates but nothing yet. I keep holding out hope that its some kind of mistake and she will give birth to a live, crying and healthy baby.

I know the risks associated with ART. I know that nothing is guaranteed and that a pregnancy does not equal a baby. I know that giving birth does not equal a live baby or healthy baby either. I know I am running out of hope that I can be called a mom.

This is a jumbled mess and I apologize to any readers. But I am sad and angry. I am running through a whole gamut of emotions today.