Thursday, February 21, 2008

Say what?!

Scott and I had our IVF/ Egg Freezing Study consult today. We met with Dr. Mehta. She was very nice but sadly she is leaving the practice. She reviewed all of my medical records and what not. She then declared that we were most likely "unexplained." She looked at Scott's SA and said it's "not bad" but probably not bad enough to qualify for the study. She gave us some lab slips for blood work and a repeat SA for Scott. This SA will be more detailed and look at more then basic count, ect. She did a "baseline" ultrasound, but I am on cd7 so it wasn't very productive. It appears I have a cyst (I thought so due some odd pain I have been having) and a low antral (sp?) follie count. She mentioned DOR and how poor my lining looked. I wanted to say, "hello it's only day 7" but figured it wasn't going to change my lining any. My ovaries looked very un-poly cystic. But I do have a nice cyst on my right ovary. That news did not surprise me one bit. I have a slight achey feeling kinda like I am stiming right now. Hmmm....I wonder if all those times I thought I had good follies were wrong. I have never had a day 3 scan before. I wonder if we could have resolved my IF issues much sooner. Wonderful! Now we have to hurry up and wait.

I was a little disappointed too though. I was hoping the doctor would review my medical records and say Aha! This is why you're not pregnant yet. Alas, no cigar. I was also very surprised that neither Scott nor I had infectious disease testing. Actually, that's not what surprised me. What surprised me is that in California, you must have these tests done before you do and IUI or IVF. That's news to me. I was tested for my own peace of mind at the beginning of 2005. All my tests came back negative. I also have been tested for HIV numerous times due to my being a blood donor. The Red Cross is constantly calling me for my blood too!

Ok, I know this sounds very scatter-brained. I wanted to get this all out before the details got too fuzzy in my little taxed brain. Honey, if you read this blog, let me know if I missed something or am confusing something.

I am looking foward to tons of non-baby making sex. I pretty much have to let it go for now. It's in God's hand if I get accepted to the study or have a baby on my own. The DOR words scared me. But I have to accept that this is completely out of my hands. Wow...I used the "I" too many times. That should have read "It's in God's hands if WE get accepted to the study or have a baby on our own." Sometimes I feel so obsessed that I forget we (Scott and I) are in this together.

55 days left in the tax season!!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Do I need a reason to like it?

Today was one of those know those days that you run into 5 pregnant people; those days you have to hear about someone else in your family who is pregnant; those days when people come into your office with their new born.

I think I almost rolled my eyes out of my head when my mother told me that my step cousin and his wife are expecting. Then, I got the "email." Oh yes, the "announcement" which I basically saw as a request for gifts. My real beef is this same couple did not send me a thank you note after I went to their out of town wedding and spent a decent amount on a wedding gift. But I will also have to admit that I am jealous. Oh yes, that little green monster is coming out again.

I also saw at least 5 pregnant women through out my day. Normally not a problem but I had to trample down the "menstrual aid" isle last night to buy some more pads and pass all the baby stuff on my way. I literally hid behind a box of pads and a bottle of soap to avoid looking at all that baby stuff. Ok, sometimes it is a problem to see pregnant women but I digress.

The Sharks lost again today...I lost count as to how many we have lost now. The trade deadline is approaching and I am curious to see what kind of moves the GM is going to make. I have heard some ugly rumor and I will totally cry if we do lose who we are rumored to trade.

I have been hoping the spell check would start to work again but still no luck. Again, forgive me for my typos; my laptop can't keep up with me.

55 days in the tax season...the count down has begun!

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Twice in a day?!?!

What's the occasion? No special occasion really. I finally left the office after working longer then I wanted to, came home and took me a nap. I am still sad but its hard to stay sad all day when the sun is shining. I knew I should have gone on a walk and got me an ice cream cone! ;)

I am totally getting spoiled here! We put a tv in our room. I am usually opposed to having a tv in my bedroom but I am actually liking it. I think it helps that we don't turn on the tv and then fall asleep. Nothing can kill your sleep cycle then a really bad infor-mercial! I watched a little tv in the room so DSS could play with his video games.

I hear myself saying, "my child won't ____ or my kid will ___." I guess its really easy to feel this way when you really aren't parenting your own child. But I often find myself wondering if I would be a bad mommy. I mean, I was raised in a really strict household. But guess what?! It diddn't kill me. I would not be as strict as my own parents but I would totally have rules and I would enforce them. I often think that if Scott and I were to have kids and God forbid, we were to split, I would want him to parent our kid (or kids) with rules. I would want him to have extremely high expectations too. We were talking about this at work (during lunch) and how much easier it is to parent when both parents are on the same page. I found that the parents in my office aren't lax parents. I am amazed at how strict my boss is with his kids as well as my co-workers. By that, I mean that I am equally amazed that my co-workers are somewhat strict parents too, and have strong feeling on things such as missing school and doing chores. I am not talking abuse here, but rules and expectations. I wonder if I would be able to parent like that. I do want my kids to grow up and be resectful. I want my kids to do well in school (and not play hookey), participate in sports and maybe even play a musical instrument. I played 5 different instruments. I would be just pissed if my kids talked back. I would probally spank and/or revoke privledges. I am not talking about beating my kids and I will not debate on the whole "to spank or not to spank" issue. I can not tell you what I would or would not do, since I am not yet a parent.

So what got me on this topic. Hmmmm...I don't think I have a word for it. But I thought to myself, "is God thinking that I will be a bad mom so he doesn't want me to have kids?" I know that is such a ridiculous thought that I can't even believe I typed it, let alone thought it. I guess that word is "self doubt." Well, LOL! That's two words.

Ok, enough for now. My brain is taxed (lol! it's tax season) and I am ready for a break here. Please forgive my typo's. Blogger's spell check is not working. :(

My achey, breaky heart

Well, its tax season and I am totally up to my elbows in taxes. I had clients today...again. I pretty much will have clients everyday now. My clients today (I will call them the "Smith's") have a baby boy who will be 3 in a few weeks. They came as a family to their tax appointment. I could hear the little boy in the lobby while I was clearing my desk talking to his daddy. I got choked up. He said, "come on Daddy, lets play with my truck!" And he talks as clear as can be. I took the Smith's into my office and the little boy (LB) started talking to me. He told me he was going to be 3 soon and showed my "this many" on his little fingers. I said to him "wow! You're gonna be a big now, huh?!" He opened his arms long wise and said he's "gonna be this big." Now my nose and eyes are getting that pre-cry burn. Deep breaths and fake sneeze to hid my distress. I finished my appointment and chatted with the Smiths about life and everyday things. We talked about rafting and fishing and Mr. Smith was very excited about taking LB fishing when he is a little older. I had to mentally remind myself that I hate cleaning fresh caught fish. We wrapped up our small talk, I gave them a list of missing information and my card. All the while my heart was breaking. I am cramping, AF is odder then usual and it just sucks. I could imagine my and Scott's son saying to Scott, "daddy, lets play trucks" or our daughter saying "Daddy, I want that dolly." More deep breaths and fake sneezes. After they left I let out a sigh of relief. I really like this couple; LB was so very well behaved, but I just can't deal with pain. I would never begrudge a happy family, but damn it! I am soooo jealous. I hate being jealous. Jealousy is such an ugly emotion. Sigh! At least its saturday and I can drown my sorrows in a glass of wine tonight.