Friday, January 30, 2009

This just pisses me off!

We have all heard the story of the Octuplets born to a California lady. Most people think that IVF was the cause the high order multiples. Wrong! Huge misnomer. Responsible RE's will not allow a women to put 8 embryos back. This pregnancy was probably due to injectible medications, most likely FHS, and either IUI or just god old fashion sex.

But that's not what pisses me off. This article states this mom already has 6 other kids at home. I have nothing against big families per say but it kills me to read that she now has 14 kids.

To be fair, I know my frustrations/ anger stems from the "donor egg talk" and the "you have scar tissue, high E2 and a low antral follicle count, your chances are on the low side." Shit! It's not supposed to be like this. I was supposed to grow up, get married, have kids, a house with a white picket fence and a dog. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. I am not asking for 14 kids...just 1.

And, even more so, I hate feeling like "why me." I have this anger inside and I am honestly depressed about the shitty cards life has dealt to me. I hate feeling like I need pity. I want to be happy and more importantly, optimistic that IVF can still work for me. Kick in the butt anyone?

I am editing this post to add this tidbits about the octuplet mom:

1) 14 kids2) Mom in her late twenties3) no Boyfriend or Husband4) lives at home with parents5) in a 2bdrm house, More "fun" news here too.

Nice! I am sure my tax dollars are hard at work.

Finally...the old friend post...

I had this childhood friend. Due to the fact that she has had quite the hard life and has a record, I am going to not use her whole name. "M" and I lived a few houses apart from each other. Our older siblings were friends and our parents were ok with us shuffling back and forth to each others houses. M's dad moved the family when he and his wife separated. While M and I still were friends, M got mixed up with a not so great group. Eventually, to try to get M's life back on track, M's dad moved a few hours away to a new city. For M, that meant a new school. Sadly, the group of friends M flocked to were no better then her friends back in the old city.

Ever hear the saying "be careful of what you wish just might get it?" Well, M got into trouble repeatedly and began seeing a boy a few years older the her. At the tender age of 12, M got grounded after her dad caught her and the boy doing things they shouldn't have been doing. M told her boyfriend that she wished her dad was dead. I am stopping the story here to protect M. M is not a bad person, she just got dragged into a bad situation.

At this point in time, M and I completely lost contact. There was never a day in my life that I didn't think about her. I always remembered to keep M and her family in my thoughts and prayers. I spent years trying to find her on Myspace and Facebook. Finally, it hit me that if M ever got married, she would have changed her last name. But M's older brother wouldn't have changed his last name. I googled M's older brother and found him. I sent his a generic message giving enough details so he wouldn't think I was some psycho spammer. Sure enough, he remembered me...and put me into contact with M.

Yeah! M and I reverted back to our childhood days and spent our first phone call in tears, laughing and catching up. Over 2 hours later, we promised to keep in touch with each other...and we have!

M got a bad deal out of life but she is such a strong woman. She is a mother, the taxi cab for her kids, the classroom mom, well, the whole nine. She has cared for her mother during her chemo treatments. She is married to a man who loves and respects her. I couldn't be more happy for M. See, I needed to blog about this to share my joy of finding M. Oh yeah, and to thank the techno gods for Google.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

In limbo

Today we met with the RE. I am going to make this short for two reasons. Reason #1 is that my nails are wet. Reason #2 is due to the fact that until I get the results from my reproductive hormone assay, I can not determine if there is cause for worry (or should I say more cause for worry). I had my uterus measured and got an antral follicle count. Bad news: I have a very low AFC. Add that to my high E2 and it looks like egg quality is the issue. I have been holding back tears for most of the day. It has been hard. Top that off with the news that I am making our current house guests uncomfortable (apparently, I can't have PMS or people feel unwanted here) and the news that we will have additional house guests and I am ready to explode. Add in the fact that this additional house guest is a guest who is noisy (and misses the toilet every time he pees) and I just don't think I can handle life stress and tax season stress.

Sigh! This was not what I wanted to blog about. I am so damned anxious (excitied?) to blog about reconnecting with my childhood friend.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Bad blogger

I have been a bad blogger. I haven't been reading or commenting on blogs. I promised a blog on reconnecting with old friends and I will...soon.

Tax season is about to start and I am somewhat frustrated with all the "great" changes that will be going on it our office. People think that change can be good but sometimes it's not the case. I would give more examples or details but talking about it just annoys me. Add this to the stress of saving every single penny so that I can start my IVF feeling good about paying for it and it just amounts to a huge case of heart burn. I am really looking forward to starting IVF. I have almost made peace with the fact that sex alone will not get me pregnant. Of course, I would not be sad if we were to conceive now. I find myself "relaxed" about ttcing. I know that I could do all those newbie ttc tricks (elevate my butt, use pre-seed) and it just won't work. So now I just don't care. Sure, every now and then I will pop open some pre-seed. I won't lie and say that I never think to myself thoughts such as "this could be it."But now, I say "this could be it"...and bust out laughing. I don't think of my pre-AF cramps as anything but pre-AF cramps.

Speaking of pre-AF cramps, they are killing me right now. I was expecting AF today (on my birthday of all days) and am happy she is not here yet. Now, a hugely wonderful birthday present would be a BFP. I have made that birthday wish year after year. This year, I faced reality. I can still have a great day despite AF.

Now I am preparing myself for a better diet in preparation for IVF. I am going back to counting calories and eating less "white" carbs. Oh yeah, and preparing myself, at least mentally, for my the tax season.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

New laptop

It's here! I got my new laptop tonight and now I am setting it up. I promise a blog soon. :)

Monday, January 12, 2009

Small Rant

I love my life...I really do. But, to say I have no complaints would be a lie. Of course a small reason why don't complain is because I just live here. Here, meaning Scott's house. I don't contribute beyond keeping some of the house clean, some cooking and some grocery shopping. I don't pay rent (or the mortgage) or any bills. So I know that I should just thank my lucky stars that I have someone who loves me enough to let me live with him and be his leach kept women.

But I am really tired of people staying here. I know that it could be so much worse but I am tired of it. I am tired of constantly cleaning yucky men toilets. I am tired of just cleaning up after people since most people just don't live up to my standards of clean. I am tired of feeling like I always have to be on my best behavior and in entertain mode. The coming, the going, the perpetual sheet changing, towel washing, finger print wiping is wearing me out. And then there is the noise...the constant loudness. I know some of it is me...I love silence. I love silence or even quiet back ground noise when I come home from work. I love complete silence when I sleep. First thing in the morning is not the time of day to assault my poor ears with your loudness. I am tired of having to plan dinner around some one elses work. I am tired of the constant going out, this party, that music listening event, so on and so forth. More importantly, I am tired of having nothing in common with the people who come and go and come and go.

Normally I am not so passive aggressive but what choice, other then moving, do I have? It's not my house. I don't want to leave (and when I say leave, I do NOT mean sever the relationship) but I do want some alone time. I want family time that does not include extended family. I want one on one time without wondering when someone will be walking into the front door. I can't sleep without Scott by side.

I am a middle child and I am very used to being alone. I love having my space and don't feel like sharing. But I do hate being informed that Soandso is coming into town and while Soandso is here, we will go out to dinner this day, this party that night and what not. Don't I get a say? I don't want to go out to dinner and invite this group of people. It's the middle of the week of the love of Pete's sake...can't we just go eat and call it a night? I am tired of the constant being on top of my toes and visiting and laughing and listening to conversations that I don't understand. I am too young to for this. I don't listen to the same music, watch the same shows or read the same stuff.

Did I mention that I am tired? I AM TIRED! I want to get to bed at a decent hour. I want to get a full nights sleep. I want to do the thing that adults do in bed together and not have to worry about the noise factor. I want to wake up refreshed so that when I go work out I can keep up with my plan. I think I am actually going backwards in my tone up, trim down plan. Boy...this paragraph included some TMI!

Ok, this is my rant and I am sticking with it. I don't have a quick fix for my at home passive aggressive self and I don't think there is one. I suppose a quick answer (solution?) would be then leave (as in move). One of the things that makes Scott and I work so well is that I really do rely on him to be the planner, the take charge and take care of me kind of guy. I do want to live here with Scott and I don't want to leave (or move). I guess I need to find my voice and speak up. I know that Scott would understand...I think?

Next blog...the reconnecting of two childhood friends. Stay tuned.