Beating the Dead Horse

I am angry...God, I am so angry. This was supposed to have a happy ending. Sorry universe, but me not becoming a mommy is not a happy ending in my book. I want to scream. I have this pent up anger and there is just nothing I can do with it. I just can not deal with it.

The four year of trying mark is a week away and I can't even think about that day without a rage coming over me.

These past few weeks, I have be self medicating to numb the pain. Every night, I sit on the couch with a drink in hand and wait for the earth to open up and swallow me whole. Don't lecture me...I come from a family of alcoholics and I am not going to sit here and make excuses for myself. But damn it, the just sucks! I have a feeling that I haven't even dealt with my grief fully and that I have a lot of anger and pain still to come.

I was talking to a friend of mine and he said, "do you ever think there was something deep inside making a barrier to you actually conceiving?" I do admit that I had doubts, lots of doubts but I knew that ultimately, everything would work out in the end. But, what person doesn't have doubts in their mind? I mean, making any major life changing decision is bound to make you have some kind of doubts, right? I likened his question to the "self fulfilling prophesy" belief and all of sudden I am wondering if maybe, just maybe he is right? I mean, what if my fears and doubts are the very reason why I am not pregnant? What if, just what if, I jinxed myself?

Urgh! I hate this. I wish I knew for sure why *I* got the IF card. I mean, beyond the whole "you got bad eggs (as confirmed for me by my RE)," beyond the whole "you waited to long" and my favorite "maybe it is Scott" arguments and really find out who I pissed off in the universe so much so that I ended up being infertile.

I know, I know...poor me. I feel I need to have a pity party. Yes, I feel like this is unfair. As I shake my fist at the universe and stomp my feet, I am tossing myself a pity party; complete with beer and a fine whine.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Bullshit! I know that IF won't kill me but what about a broken heart? I am having a hard time with the fact that holidays are coming up and I will have to pretend again to be happy. I will have to pretend that everything is ok, while crying on the inside. I will have to pretend that I am "over it." Well guess what universe?!?! I am so not over it and I sure as hell won't be over it anytime soon. I am not ready to go out there and pretend. I have had to do it a few times and all the while I was screaming inside. How am I supposed to pretend and deal with this anger? I would not go so far as to say it is an uncontrollable anger but I am quite sure that the longer it simmers, the harder is will be to control.

I feel so alone in my grief. I want to shake people by and beg them to grieve with me. I can feel myself slipping into a deep despair and I just don't know what to do. I am trying to convince myself to get back to the gym, back to dancing, to laughing and that eventual happiness will come. It just seems so far away; so out of my grasp. My anger (and rage) scare me right now. I am afraid I will lash out at the wrong person or say something that I won't be able to take back. I am scared that I will hurt the feelings of someone, loved or otherwise.

Award Time

Thanks Sherry!

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award. List their blog and link to it.

2. Share "10 Honest Things" about yourself.

3. Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.

4. Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

"10 Honest Things About Me:"

1. I am infertile.

2. I have no favorite anything but use the saying "my favorite" all the time. And it annoys me.

3. I have horrible time pronouncing certain words and as a result don't use a lot of words that I know because I can't pronounce them.

4. I sometimes wonder if I was adopted or switched at birth.

5. I have about 90 cousins on my dad's side of the family and can't name most of them. As a matter of fact, I have never even met most of them...and we all live within a few hours of each other.

6. I have a really good memory when it comes time to really odd things. And numbers too.

7. I was an extra in a movie.

8. I am afraid of ghosts and extra terrestrials and all things I perceive as evil.

9. I love to give people gifts and love to watch them rip open the wrapping paper.

10. I miss my grandpa and wish my grandma never had her stroke so I can have my old grandma back.

Ok, I promise that I will come back and nominate some lucky winners.

Florida Vacation

After the craziness of October (and the October 15th tax filing deadline), I was more then ready for a vacation. I knew once AF showed that needed to get away from my life or risk going mad. Luckily, we had planned to take a vacation! Saturday morning could not come soon enough and once we boarded the plane, I could feel tax season tension leaving my body but I couldn't shake the "my IVF failed" tension completely.

We did have a blast in Florida though. We had a nice time share close to Scott's mom's house and used her car for the week. Score! No rental car fees for us.

First tourist stop? Disney World! It was not a great as it seems like it should be but I bet if I were 4 again, Disney World would be awesome. But we still have fun and I got to do things I never got to do on my previous visit to the Magic Kingdom.

Day two and we hit up the Animal Kingdom. Holy Smokes! That place is amazing. To add to my excitement on Day two I got to meet a fellow blogger and IF message board friend Barb! This made my trip. I was really bummed it wasn't a longer visit but I am now certain that more trips to Florida are in my future. Woot!

We spent a day hanging with various friends/ previous co-workers of Scott's and then on Thursday went to the Space Center. It is neat but some of it seems to technical for kids to enjoy. Of course, that is my opinion but I would still recommend going at least once.

Friday we lounged some, went to a great hot dog place in Tampa (clearly there is a story behind this) and went to Hard Rock Cafe inside the Universal Studios. We also noticed a Bob Marley restaurant but did not go inside.

By Saturday morning, I was ready to head home, even if it meant a long plane ride. With stops in North Carolina and Denver, it seemed like we were on the plane forever.

I also came home to a treat: Hungarian Goulash and Spiced Rum and Egg nog. OMG...YUM!!!

Now I am trying to get back into "normal" life. I had a long conversation with my Gyno about my failed cycle and what to do now. For starters, he took me off Metformin with the caveat that I watch my weight, carb/ sugar intake and get retested in 6 months or so to see how my blood sugars are doing. He also talked some about donor embies/ donor eggs. It felt pretty good to talk some but I am not quiet ready for my post IVF consult.

A few people here and there have noticed that I seem off but one day at a time...right?

It's the end of the world as we know it

and I feel fine. No, actually I don't feel fine. I am not even close to feeling fine. I never thought this IVF was going to fail. I don't just mean fail but really tanked. It wasn't supposed to happen like that...this cycle was supposed to work damn it! Now what?!

I have to admit that I am putting on quite the show. I don't think that even once any outsider has noticed that I am truly dying inside. The tears have stopped falling...at least in front of people. I appears to be "over it" and "ready to move on." But inside, right under the surface I feel like I am stuck in a dark place, waiting for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

I am trying to figure out the answer to "what's next?" I know I want a career change in a big way. I know that I will never worry about birth control or having sex at the right time. I am even wondering if I am going to keep track of my period these days. I never kept track before...my body always gave me enough warning. So....what's next?

Over the Top

Sherry nominated me for this and I can't wait to fill it out!

1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers!
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have fun!

Now onto the fun stuff:

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Your hair? ponytail
3. Your mother? home
4. Your father? cars
5. Your favorite food? mexican
6. Your dream last night? angry
7. Your favorite drink? beer
8. Your dream/goal? baby
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? exercise
11. Your fear? electrocution
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? parents
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? fertile
15. Muffins? top
16. Wish list item? fertility
17. Where did you grow up? California
18. Last thing you did? read
19. What are you wearing? sweats
20. Your TV? big
21. Your pets? RIP
22. Friends? loyal
23. Your life? vida
24. Your mood? irritated
25. Missing someone? no
26. Vehicle? honda
27. Something you’re not wearing? watch
28. Your favorite store? Express
29. Your favorite color? black
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? last night
32. Your best friend? rocks
33. One place that I go to over and over? store
34. One person who emails me regularly? family
35. Favorite place to eat? home

I will come back later to nominate some blogger for this fun award.

The call that never came

Right after ER, we were told by my RE that my right ovary had no eggs in any of the nine follies. To say I was devastated would be an understatement at best. I went home and told myself that maybe they were wrong. I waited and waited for a call from my clinic; a call saying guess what? We were wrong and we really did get some eggs from your right ovary. Sadly, that call never came.

Say what?

What?!?!

I had someone recently ask me, "why did you choose to have your embryos transferred instead of implanted?" My response, "I like a good challenge and figured I would do it the hard way." Insert loud sigh and eye roll here please.

For the love of Pete Sakes* people, no man or woman can "implant" an embryo. If that were the case, IVF would have a much higher success rate and no infertile women would try other methods of conceiving a child. You can however have embryos transferred into your uterus and from there God, mother nature or whomever/whatever you believe in will choose. Implant or don't implant.

I wish the media would get their terminology correct. It is stories like the Octo-Mom or the Mom with the wrong embie that make fertility treatments seem like a joke. Ok, maybe not a joke but it is a blow to those of us trying to have a baby by using IVF. I think by sensationalizing how these women were "implanted" with embryos, those us doing IVF are treated like we did something wrong. We did not have our embies implanted, therefore we don't want it as bad as the Octo-mom. And if you have some "educated" (read: know it all) talking to you about your IVF, they don't want to be informed that they have it all wrong. You can't choose the best eggs only, you can't add more drugs after your ER reveals one ovary did not give you any eggs and you don't get the option to do anything special to make sure every embie you do get is perfect. Finally, by questioning if I (or other women doing IVF) have looked into all the options and know "for sure" that I am doing the best that I can do isn't going to change the outcome. You don't walk into IVF blind and no, the Octo-moms doctor is not the right doctor for me. She got lucky, the doctor did not do anything other then over transferring embies into her, to improve her chances for success. And, yes, I am sure that I got my embies and yes, I am sure my eggs were fertilized with Scott's sperm.

I don't believe for one minute that a women chooses IVF over sex for conception intentionally. I will skip the whole "but I want to be a single mom" people here since clearly that is different bird of another feather. Seriously, I don't ever recall waking up one morning and thinking to myself "damn, IVF sounds fun. I will save up my pretty pennies and then fork over $15K for a procedure that has a 35% chance of working for me, because I think IVF is groovy and I want to be part of the cool club." Instead, I hoped and prayed that I too can get pregnant from sex, just like they said happens in high school, and can fore go the painfully expensive, emotional and physically stressful and sometimes painful procedure called IVF. But nooooo, damn my infertile body for refusing to cooperate.

*Yes, I know...I got that saying all wrong. Before you lecture me on my terminology being wrong, let me say I just admitted to having the saying wrong. But, I have been saying it that way for so long now that I am not sure I will ever say it the right way. Besides, "for the love of Pete Sakes" versus "confusion between transferred/ implanted" is not the same.