More on Christmas and stuff

Christmas day was not as hard as Christmas Eve. I mean, I sat and watched Scott's kids open gifts and what not. I could almost imagine our child on Christmas day, opening gifts and laughing. I guess I was able to deal with it by detaching myself emotionally from the events of the day. I took no joy watching the kids open their gifts or sharing dinner with them. It sucks because I know that Scott loves his kids but they just don't come around or visit or even call. Where is the respect? I reminded myself that I am not their mother and that when I have kids of my own, I will try to raise them to respect their elders; instill into them the joy of gift giving and raise them appreciate what they do have. I also remind myself that they are adult children and are not obligated to be respectful anymore have lives of their own.

Of course I was tickled pink that AF did not show up on Christmas day. I looked back at my chart and realized that I would probably get a visit from AF this weekend. Actually, in a perfect world,AF would be here today, I would be pregnant but... this throwing me all off. I planned my tax season around my first IVF consult. I was planning on starting stims when my first post tax season cycle started. Based on my perfectly planned out schedule, I need AF to show by April 19, 2009 in order to start IVF post tax season. I know that this would push my due date to December-ish and not give me much time to be home with my new baby before the start of a new tax season. And I really know that I have got to stop planning my life around tax season but my job is my bread and butter. I need my job. The wait until after April 15th to start IVf is already killing me emotionally. I just don't want any other delays. I don't care who will be at my house or who wants us to visit. MY IVF Will Come First or I Will Freaking Die!!! This cycle has to work out. Please God, if you are reading my blog or listening to me...I need this work out just right.

I hate the whole out of control feeling ttc tosses into your life. I know that it is impossible to control every aspect of your life and that once you toss in a kid, that ability to plan and control as much as possible will get tossed out the window. But I hate not having a plan. Even if I have to deviate from my plan(s), having some semblance of a plan is better then nothing. I always joke that I am an Aquarius and "fly by the seat off my pants." It is true that I am flighty and can be rather spontaneous but that I just all a part of my plan....to appear spontaneous. LOL!