I have been forcing myself to limit talk about IF. IF is truly a life consuming event. But, I guess my blog would not be complete if I did not talk about IF.
A few weeks ago, we (dbf, dss and I) went to a birthday party. The host and hostess had 2 beautiful babies. I was stuffing my face (what else is new?) when a very pregnant lady walks into my view. I stuffed some food into my mouth and looked at Scott with that "deer in headlights" look. He just laughed at me. Thanks buddy!
While vacationing in the UK and Finland, I purposely adverted my eyes when I saw a pregnant women or a new baby. I did a pretty good job about not sighing or grunting (yes, I grunt) when I saw a big, pregnant belly.
While in the Finland office with Scott, a co-worker of his opened a gift. It was a baby gift. I looked up right as he was pulling a cute little baby outfit. I could feel my cheeks turning bright red. My heart was pounding this painful, hurting strumming in my chest. I looked over at Scott (again) and this time he said sorry.
The icing on the cake is these odd baby and pregnancy dreams I have been having. I dreamed that I was on a plane and we had really bad turbulence. I was sitting with another mom and we put our babies in the middle of us. I also dreamed that I was at my mom's with Scott and mr. butthead ex showed up and tried to take my baby. Later in my dream, I was at Target and I lost my baby somewhere in the store. I also dreamed that I was very pregnant and was having horrible contractions. God, these dreams just kill me. I know these dreams are a stress reaction. The fact that I have traveled too many time zones in a short amount of time and my sleep is all off isn't helping. Avoiding pregnant women and babies is also contributing to my stress and odd dreams too.
I really thought I was doing good. I faithfully read my ART book and made a huge list of questions to ask regarding IVF. In one week, it will be my 3 year ttc-versary. I was really hoping to be pregnant on that day. I was hoping I could look IF in the face and laugh. But, given that AF just left the building that won't be happening.
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7 comments:
I am so sorry. Dreams like that are the worst.
Here from the Roundup.
My experience is that often when I think I'm doing well, I'm just avoiding my real feelings. Not always, but it's definitely a pattern for me - such a fine line between protecting my heart and stuffing my feelings away.
Sometimes you just need to let it out, regardless of whether it feels like it's going to take over or not.
I think venting is one of the best ways to stay sane. I wish there had been IF blogs when I was in IF hell.
Oh, OUCH!! Just plain hard. So sorry.
UGH! Remember in Bridget Jone's Diary she had the term Smug Marrieds? I think we could adapt that to the Smug Fertiles or Smug Pregnants. I think you (and we) are completely entitled to each and every grunt!!!
you will get pregnant. I had a dream like that a month before we got pregnant. Don't stress and worry is the key.
Infertility is called a roller coaster for a reason. You can feel alright for a while and then something reminds you of the pain and disappointment. Often talking about it helps. ((hugs))
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