Secrets...

We all have them. Some are good secrets (I can't wait until you see what I got you for your birthday) and some are bad (man, if you could just read my mind). I have a secret or two. Now for the record, I am the worlds worst secret keeper. I hate keeping secrets! They eat you alive if they are bad and its sooo hard not to let it slip if its good. This secret isn't eating me alive yet but it could. Like word vomit, it may spill out and then what?! I am secretly angry and resentful. And I can not share this with anyone without sounding like a bad person! :(

I met a "real life" IF man today. He is a few years younger them me and his wife is a few years older then me. I have never met a man who totally empathizes with a women dealing with IF. I have read a few blogs and messages boards where a women will express that IF has made her and her DH closer. I feel totally alone in my IF. My family gives me ass-vise like "just relax" and I am not sure Scott totally gets it. Sometimes I wish that I had a partner who felt the same way I do. Sometimes I feel like I am in this by myself. Actually, most of the time, I feel like I am in this by myself.

This leads me to another topic. I used to say that I would never date a man with kids. I used to say that I would never want to fuck someone else's kids up but I think it is because I knew deep down that I would have trouble conceiving a child of my own. Now, I am in a relationship with a man who has kids. I am resentful. I want to be a mom. I want to have kids with someone who is looking forward to being a parent (a dad) to our children together. Scott will never wonder about the joy of being a dad. He is a dad. I know that it will never do me any good to throw that into his face but I am so resentful that he is a parent and knows the joy of being called daddy. I fear that I will never be called a mom.

I also fear that by the time I have saved up enough money to afford IVF, Scott will say "sorry charlie." He is soooo ready to quit. I, on the other hand, can not quit. I know relationships are give and take and that both people must compromise. I am just not sure that I can compromise on the topic of kids. I feel horrible about that since I walked into this relationship saying that I did not want kids or a marriage. Well, I guess my biological time clock (a saying I hate BTW) kicked in and now I want kids. So who compromises? Scott, who agrees to have kids just to make me happy (thus sacrificing his future dreams) or me (thus sacrificing my dreams)? Lets say we tip toe around the subject of sacrifice and compromise. We plug along each trying to make each other happy and make ourselves happy. Will we last? Let's say he compromises. Will he end up angry and resentful to have to keep working well past retirement age and delay any future travels? Now, lets say *I* compromise. Will I end up angry and resentful when I am too old to have kids? Will I hold that against Scott? Will I walk away from the relationship before it's too late to have kids of my own (biologically)? I don't know the future.

I was talking to my IRL IF comrade. He was sooo sympathetic for me. He truly felt the same emotions as his wife did in regards to IF and TTC. I was jealous. :( Jealous that they *CAN* take a HELOC and pay for IVF, jealous that the relationship he and his wife have, and jealous that they conceived via IVF.

Now that leads me to "issue" number 2. Why the quotes around issue? Well, I have notice a number of clients have high medical bills and are usually expecting twins. I began to study their medical bills and started to recognize fertility clinics, fertility meds, ect. on these bills. So, clearly IF in the bay area is nothing new. I was reviewing a return today. I love these clients. I know they adopted. Turns out, they tried for 7 years and a few IVF's to have kids then decided to adopt. They are not my first client to adopt after incurring large medical expenses. Sad, but true, but adoption is not even an option for me. I never even had a true meaningful discussion with Scott on this topic. I think (and maybe deep down know) he is against adoption. I guess the issue is that I am again ENVIOUS since I am pretty flippin certain that adoption is not in my future.

I am angry and resentful of the hand that life has dealt to me. IF SUCKS! I am angry for being angry about the future. Whoa! That's deep! I am resentful that I have to even deal with IF and get it when other talk about dealing with IF. I am resentful that Scott does not stress/ obsess/ worry about/ be sad about TTC and never succeeding. I am sooooo fucking resentful that someone else gave him a child and I can't...and he probably doesn't lose sleep over that fact. I am angry that when I was young, I didn't plan for IF. I am resentful that my family is seemingly fertile and takes it for granted. I am angry and resentful that I can't (I am afraid to?) share this with Scott. I am ashamed that deep down I am hoping he reads this and understands. More importantly, I am afraid that in all my anger I will hurt his feelings and I don't want to do that. What a fucking conundrum.

Wow~ that was deep. I don't think I even got this all out. But...at least its a start.