It makes me feel good...

I have often wondered why I spend so much time blogging. I think I blog alot and about various different topics. I realized that I blog because it makes me feel good. I like to clear my mind and blogging allows me to do just that.

In about 24 hours, I will be on vacation. I am so looking forward to a little get away from it all. I want to feel the fresh air in my hair and feel the sun on my pasty white skin. I want to get some color and relax.

Mother's day is approaching. I am happy to celebrate with my mom. But I am sad. I am sad that another mother's day is coming up again and once again I am not a mom. And I think that it will be safe to say that I won't be a mom (or pregnant for that matter) by this mother's day thanks to that ever so wonderful UTI I got this cycle. Of course I have to laugh when I even think about it since I could probably have sex with a room full of men for months on end still not end up pregnant. Yeah, I know...sounds sick! Believe me when I say I have no intention of finding out if there is any truth the the above statement but I was trying to make a point. I mean seriously, Scott and I have had alot of sex in the years we have been trying. We did hotel sex, vacation sex, drunk sex and make up sex; I have tried relaxing, not relaxing, crying, laughing, putting my butt up in the air, and a whole lotta stuff that I will not share with you. (Yes, even on a blog, TMI exists!) We did drugs (the legal, fertility type), no drugs , herbs (again, the legal fertility type), acupuncture, massage and way more that I can't even think of right now. So really, I am not concerned that not having sex this cycle could have blown my "big" chance. But that doesn't make me any less sad that I am still not a mom. It doesn't make the apprehension (anxiety) go away. Yes, mother's day is coming up and I have to accept that another mother's day will pass without my being able to celebrate my being a mother. OMG! Fate bites the big one too! AF is once again supposed to show up on mother's day. Its like a giant Fuck you from Fate...Karma...or whomever it is that dishes out fertility to some women and a GIANT FUCK YOU to women like me! And the icing on the cake? I will celebrate mother's day with my mother and AF! Wonderful!

Ok, this vacation to Mexico is coming at the right time. I can totally justify getting plastered. Afterall, I wouldn't want to get plastered if there was any chance what so ever that I am pregnant. I used to say things like that statement in the past and then say "wouldn't in be funny if I was" or "watch, this is the cycle I end up knocked up." I know that it could happen (in theory) and I would be totally be worried/ nervous/ anxious about the outcome but would be happy too. I have given that up and right now I am just looking foward to vacation, vacation sex, getting plastered and yes...drunk sex.

I feel a tear...

I think I am starting to cry over my beloved fish sticks. GRRRR...How is it that the Sharks lost 2 games...on HOME ICE?!?!? And why did Ron Wilson wait until the last 5 minutes or so to pull Nabby? Hello?!? I was shouting at the TV after every goal scored by the Stars to pull the flipping goal tender. But noooo, they never listen to me! Granted, they can't hear me shout at the TV. I dreamed last night that I was dating Joe Thorton. He was about to break my heart and tell me he was using me for my "skills at a hockey fan to determine the lines." Not sure why since I truly don't have those kinds of skills.

In other news, my overall attitude has improved some and I feel more like myself. I am not sure that I am totally 100% confident that I won't fall into the slump that I was in last week again, but I am willing to take things one day at a time.

We are getting ready to leave for Mexico soon. I am so looking foward to that vacation. We have a few more planned but man, I need this vacation badly.

Whoa man...

Sometimes I sit and think, "Is this what life had in store for me?" I mean, for the most part, I am usually happy. But sometime, I am not. I am not sure that I can explain it. Is this as good as it gets? I don't know what to do or think. I wonder if I took the right path in life or if I made the right decisions. I am afraid that if I get into the habit of saying nothing wrong when there really is something bothering me that I will build up resentment. This is a horrible cycle that I repeat over in over in my life. I get jealous when I read messages from my friends and they are so happy and living a completely fulfilling life. Why can't I find that kind of happiness? Am I dooming myself?

I am sure to the outsider (reader) this post makes no sense. I promise to come back soon and elaborate on this as it becomes clearer to me. In the meantime, I had to get this off my chest.

We Won! WhooHooo!!!

Sharks won game 7. We are going to round 2 of the palyoff's. We must beat the Dallar Stars.

Since When?!?

WTF are these panic attacks coming from? I don't think I can even pinpoint it on one particular subject matter or another. Out of the blue, I get this tightness in my chest and I start to have trouble breathing. This started during the tax season and I automatically assumed it was due to the tax season. But this feeling of panic and fear has ceased to stop. I have tried to keep track of what is causing them but can not make any determination. OMG! That is almost causing me to panic. So far it seems like the Sharks, the recycling, ttc, blogs and soup are causing me to panic. Riiiighttt!!!! I refuse to believe this is caused my normal, everyday things and have to acknowledge there is something deeper.

To make matters worse, this is affecting my work. I stress over little details and panic over simple tasks. I almost lost it when I realized that a few files were out of alphabetical order. I get nervous calling my clients. MY Clients!! I have some really wonderful clients. But this is just the icing on the cake. It is also affecting other aspects of my life. Like....my sex life! Yikes!!! :( This really sucks. I was joking with Scott about my inability to achieve the big O lately. I made this bad joke that if "I just relax, it will happen!" Man, that ruined it for me. I.Can't.Relax!!! I want to; in a big way. When did life become so complicated?

In other news...well, there is no other news. Nothing new on the ttc front. Oh, wait! That's a lie. I got some of our test results back and talked to our IVF coordinator. Due to "outstanding post wash counts" and my "excellent response to follistim (not to be confused with Gonal-f)" they "highly recommend" one more injects with iui cycle but using a "gradient wash (the expensive iui prep)" as opposed to a "basic iui wash." I can't justify wiping our my IVF fund for an iui when I have have had 5 iui's with no luck. Seriously, I just don't see a how it could help. Call me pessimistic but it seems like if is were to happen, it would have happened already.

Tonight is game 7 of the playoffs. If we lose, I will be crying over the baked fishsticks. Stay tuned for an update.

Honey, I don't want to cry...

Over the fishsticks!! Sharks just lost game 6 of the playoffs. See, I do obsess over something else. I can not believe it. We skated around this ice. We could have clinched the series and gone on to round 2. But nooooo...we lost! We not only lost, but we were shut out!! GRRRRR!!!

She's baaaackkk!

Once again, Aunt Flow has decided to "grace me with her presence" at the very end of the tax season. I am already tired and stressed so lets add moody, emotional and crampy to the mix, thank you very much! I just knew however when I was preparing a tax return last night and saw that my client is using the same RE clinic that I want use and I burst into tears that I was doomed. But today, I was happy that I was not pregnant this cycle. For starters, I have been bad at taking my met and thyroid meds this cycle. Also, I have been relying on wine and other mixed drinks to deal with my tax season stress/ headaches. Further, we are going to Mexico in a few weeks and I want to drink! I want to enjoy my vacation and consume Corona's like they are going out of style. Now thats not to say I am not sad that I am not pregnant because I am sad. I am just not as sad as I have been in the past when I start to bleed.

Ok, my bad. I was supposed to post this around April 13th. She's gone now and once again I am sad. :(

Secrets...

We all have them. Some are good secrets (I can't wait until you see what I got you for your birthday) and some are bad (man, if you could just read my mind). I have a secret or two. Now for the record, I am the worlds worst secret keeper. I hate keeping secrets! They eat you alive if they are bad and its sooo hard not to let it slip if its good. This secret isn't eating me alive yet but it could. Like word vomit, it may spill out and then what?! I am secretly angry and resentful. And I can not share this with anyone without sounding like a bad person! :(

I met a "real life" IF man today. He is a few years younger them me and his wife is a few years older then me. I have never met a man who totally empathizes with a women dealing with IF. I have read a few blogs and messages boards where a women will express that IF has made her and her DH closer. I feel totally alone in my IF. My family gives me ass-vise like "just relax" and I am not sure Scott totally gets it. Sometimes I wish that I had a partner who felt the same way I do. Sometimes I feel like I am in this by myself. Actually, most of the time, I feel like I am in this by myself.

This leads me to another topic. I used to say that I would never date a man with kids. I used to say that I would never want to fuck someone else's kids up but I think it is because I knew deep down that I would have trouble conceiving a child of my own. Now, I am in a relationship with a man who has kids. I am resentful. I want to be a mom. I want to have kids with someone who is looking forward to being a parent (a dad) to our children together. Scott will never wonder about the joy of being a dad. He is a dad. I know that it will never do me any good to throw that into his face but I am so resentful that he is a parent and knows the joy of being called daddy. I fear that I will never be called a mom.

I also fear that by the time I have saved up enough money to afford IVF, Scott will say "sorry charlie." He is soooo ready to quit. I, on the other hand, can not quit. I know relationships are give and take and that both people must compromise. I am just not sure that I can compromise on the topic of kids. I feel horrible about that since I walked into this relationship saying that I did not want kids or a marriage. Well, I guess my biological time clock (a saying I hate BTW) kicked in and now I want kids. So who compromises? Scott, who agrees to have kids just to make me happy (thus sacrificing his future dreams) or me (thus sacrificing my dreams)? Lets say we tip toe around the subject of sacrifice and compromise. We plug along each trying to make each other happy and make ourselves happy. Will we last? Let's say he compromises. Will he end up angry and resentful to have to keep working well past retirement age and delay any future travels? Now, lets say *I* compromise. Will I end up angry and resentful when I am too old to have kids? Will I hold that against Scott? Will I walk away from the relationship before it's too late to have kids of my own (biologically)? I don't know the future.

I was talking to my IRL IF comrade. He was sooo sympathetic for me. He truly felt the same emotions as his wife did in regards to IF and TTC. I was jealous. :( Jealous that they *CAN* take a HELOC and pay for IVF, jealous that the relationship he and his wife have, and jealous that they conceived via IVF.

Now that leads me to "issue" number 2. Why the quotes around issue? Well, I have notice a number of clients have high medical bills and are usually expecting twins. I began to study their medical bills and started to recognize fertility clinics, fertility meds, ect. on these bills. So, clearly IF in the bay area is nothing new. I was reviewing a return today. I love these clients. I know they adopted. Turns out, they tried for 7 years and a few IVF's to have kids then decided to adopt. They are not my first client to adopt after incurring large medical expenses. Sad, but true, but adoption is not even an option for me. I never even had a true meaningful discussion with Scott on this topic. I think (and maybe deep down know) he is against adoption. I guess the issue is that I am again ENVIOUS since I am pretty flippin certain that adoption is not in my future.

I am angry and resentful of the hand that life has dealt to me. IF SUCKS! I am angry for being angry about the future. Whoa! That's deep! I am resentful that I have to even deal with IF and get it when other talk about dealing with IF. I am resentful that Scott does not stress/ obsess/ worry about/ be sad about TTC and never succeeding. I am sooooo fucking resentful that someone else gave him a child and I can't...and he probably doesn't lose sleep over that fact. I am angry that when I was young, I didn't plan for IF. I am resentful that my family is seemingly fertile and takes it for granted. I am angry and resentful that I can't (I am afraid to?) share this with Scott. I am ashamed that deep down I am hoping he reads this and understands. More importantly, I am afraid that in all my anger I will hurt his feelings and I don't want to do that. What a fucking conundrum.

Wow~ that was deep. I don't think I even got this all out. But...at least its a start.

I dream of...

Giant safety pins? Its tax season, so its not unusual for me to dream of tax returns. Pretty much everynight for the past month and a half I have dreamed of tax returns in one form or another.

But I have had 3 very odd dreams this past week. See, the monday after Easter sunday, my oldest nephew left for S. Korea. He is in the army and will be stationed there for 1 year. I dreamed that Scott owned a tiger in a tin can. Odd, I know. Somehow this tiger managed to escape, grow to full size (just add water?) and maul my nephew. I was trying to drive to the hosipital but you had to pay to park and the emergency room had all these wierd signs pointing in all directions. My nephew was ok in the end but man I can not forget the panic, the heart ache I felt and the extreme anger I had to go through. I remember in my dream begging Scott to get rid of his mountain lion in a tin can but it was too late.

I had a strange dream the day Scott and Austin left for vacation. I dreamed that I had a baby and I came home from work and realized no one was watching my baby. My baby was plastic and had a wind up key in his back. Everytime I turned around, I could see my baby crawl in front of me. I would go from one room to another trying to find my baby. Finally, I walked out to my kitchen and saw my baby drowning in the swimming pool. Then, my baby turned into a rat. See, there is something to this dream. A few weeks ago, I walked into my kitchen and noticed something swimming in my pool. Yep, it was a rat! Yuck!

Last night, I dreamed that Scott and I broke up. We were both amazingly calm in my dream. We broke up because he diddn't want kids. He also would not let me leave until I paid him back all the money I owe him. I won't go into details but I said some pretty ugly things to him in my dream. Scott took my clothes (I wear alot of black) and bleached them and sold them to some women he had been intimate with in the past. They were talking about me as if I was dead. I remember being angry but was trying to act cool with it. I was trying sleep in my dream, and Scott stabbed me in the back with a giant safety pin. Ow! I am sure my back was really hurting and thats what woke me up. I had a hard time falling back to sleep because I kept dreaming of taxes and Scott kicking me out.

14 more days left in the tax season!