Officially done...

I feel like the worlds biggest idiot. I am sitting here at my desk crying like a baby. I am spotting, my temp fell and I have that tell-tell backache. Yep, aunt flow is on her way. The last cycle emotionally was harder then I could have imagined. This let down is far more then I can bear...at my desk anyways. Like the little researcher I am, I want to Google all the possible options. Oh but I know what they are: IVF. Yeah, since I have $15K to spare. Uh...NOT! <-- Gotta love the 90's for that saying! I want to Google free IVF studies. I want to be one of those lucky women who gets picked for free IVF by a respectable clinic. I can't believe I typed that. I was so opposed to IVF. The whole "God did not intent for doctors to play god" theory is gone right out the window. In the meantime I have to read about how many knocked up celebs and 16 year old kids?! How is this fair?

I am trying to convince myself that my new "plan" will work. I will be actively preventing. Yes, that's right folks, I am going back on the pill. Hopefully, it won't turn me into a devil! My last full pill cycle had me wishing people would fall off the roof. Of course, I can't blame that all on the pill...I blame the roofers too. And my complete lack of retail therapy. I need to shut my ovaries down and let all the hormones I have been ingesting, shooting into me and sticking onto my skin leave my system. Now is the time for my thyroid to rest. I would like to lose about 10 pounds and get back into dancing. No OHSS to stop me from pole classes. I am going to force myself to enjoy my new yoga/kick boxing class. I love the kick class I did at the gym a few months back. I am going to try to get back into that too. I have to plan a post tax season retreat for Scott and I! I want to be the sexy girlfriend again..not the cute but chunky girlfriend. I mean it seems so damn easy on paper but who knows how well I can handle it beyond tomorrow. But I do have great friends and those who know my saga will understand.

A small part of me will always hold onto the hope and dream that maybe someday it will happen. It will happen when I least expect it. So to be "prepared" I will keep taking my prenates, my thyroid meds and metformin. All 3 of these drugs will improve my general health, make it easier for me to lose weight and allow me to function.

I wonder if my complete inability to have any expectations for people, hell for the world is my undoing. I have lived this life with a belief that if you expect nothing, then no one will let you down. I fell that my body has truly let me down, but is that the same? I think I will have to chew on this for a while.