Friday, November 02, 2007
BF Fucking N!!! Current mood: sad
Why?!? I really just want to know what the fuck the problem is with this situation? Why can't I get pregnant? Is it the sperm or the egg? Or both? Women all around the world get pregnant everyday and yet I can't. I had to fucken inject myself with drugs (very expensive drugs btw) and go for labs everyday for a week. I spent more time with dildocam then with Scott. I am sooo sad, pissed, frustrated, and spent. The cost of infertility goes beyond the allmighty dollar. I have lost my faith and my spirit. I ran out of hope way to long ago and can't see the bright side in much these days. Happily ever after? Yeah, if you are Cinder-fucking-rella! I don't believe in unicorns and rainbows. I failed yet again to get pregnant. I failed yet again to accept that I am a failure. The booze can't numb my pain. My heart hurts. I have no one to share this pain with...I mean afterall, Scott has kids already. Its no big loss if we never had kids together. If I had never pushed to try, it would have never come up. No, its me who wants to be a mommy. Its me who keeps failing. Anyways thats my assumption. I have a few ex-boyfriends who have procreated. Just not with me. But its not like the opportunity wasn't there...it just never happened. I used think "wow! I got lucky!" But the reality of it was that even then I was a failure. I am not even a "whole" woman. I am broken. I have spent more hours on google looking for answers then I can even imagine. I have "relaxed", take a vacation, gotten drunk, taken infertility drugs, had hotel sex, and even prayed. I light candles, read books, changed my diet and forced myself to choke down vitamins and other suppliments. I have spent more money on infertiltiy treatments then anything. I have consulted multiple doctors. I have done clomid 11 times. Did I mention that the max is 6 times. I have had 8 trigger shots. I have used an estrogen patch. I have taken estrogen pill and progesterone pills. Yes, I even took birth control pills to get pregnant. I have had a hsg and a shg. I have had a lap and hysterscopy. I can't even pronounce these procedures. I have had 3 iui's. Oh the fun! I used special lube and instead cups. I have peed on more sticks then I can count. Don't tell me to relax. I am tired of fucking relaxing. I tried that method and got fucking nowhere. Stress is not causing my infertility....infertiltiy is causing my stess. And why the fuck is IVF so fucking expensive?! Did I mention that my insurance coverage for infertility sucks? I mean it really fucking sucks!!! But, its better then nothing, even though there is better out there. Fuck, fuck, fuck! I can not appoligize for my feelings. Each and every month that my period starts its a little harder. I feel like I am dying a very slow and extrememly painful death. There is no mercy for me. Other peoples kids bring me to tears. Pregnant women can make me puke. I can't be happy for most women who get pregnant these day unless they have been trying longer then I have been trying. I want to yell and scream! Fuck! Yes, maybe this anger will eat me alive but it can't be more painful then the heartache of not being able to concieve. And it surely can not be more painful then injecting my belly full of infertility drugs. Thank God that Scott was able to handle sticking my belly with a needle filled with drugs. I swear I feel like a drug addict. I have track marks from all the lab work that goes with it. My arms were hurting from the labs. I am tired of baby making sex. Lastnight I made love to Scott. I mean really made to him. Baby making was not even on my mind. But fuck! I am still not a pregnant. I want a child so bad it hurts. Wow! I must sound like a fucking broken record. Did I mention the booze is not fucking helping my pain? I will probally pass out drunk before I begin to feel better. My tolerance is way to high. I can't even cry anymore. I have run out of tears. I have spent more time crying today then anything. My eyes are burning right now. Fuck!
Son of a bitch!! Sharks are loosing and now I am really fucking pissed. Yes, while it may seem that I just had this drastic subject jump hockey is the one sport where I can yell foul words and not think about trying to concieve. Fuck! I don't feel better but shit.
Ok, anyone who is reading this is probally afraid. I would be too. Actually I am. I am losing myself to infertiltiy and its hurts. The pain is going to kill me; maybe not physically but emotinally. I should stop now while I am ahead.

Originally posted 11/2/07