New plan

I wish I could make up my mind. It seems that someone always knows of someone who got pregnant during their break cycle. The theory behind that is the infertility drugs stays in your system for about 6 weeks. So then, I say to myself, don't take the pill this cycle. This could be your lucky cycle. Uh..yeah...right. I diddn't take the pill yet and I guess I won't be taking it now. I have been putting effort into finding a study to participate in for ivf. Lets face it, that may be my best hope. In the meantime, Scott wants me to "forget about it" and try not to stress or obsess over trying anymore. Its so hard to though. :(

Officially done...

I feel like the worlds biggest idiot. I am sitting here at my desk crying like a baby. I am spotting, my temp fell and I have that tell-tell backache. Yep, aunt flow is on her way. The last cycle emotionally was harder then I could have imagined. This let down is far more then I can bear...at my desk anyways. Like the little researcher I am, I want to Google all the possible options. Oh but I know what they are: IVF. Yeah, since I have $15K to spare. Uh...NOT! <-- Gotta love the 90's for that saying! I want to Google free IVF studies. I want to be one of those lucky women who gets picked for free IVF by a respectable clinic. I can't believe I typed that. I was so opposed to IVF. The whole "God did not intent for doctors to play god" theory is gone right out the window. In the meantime I have to read about how many knocked up celebs and 16 year old kids?! How is this fair?

I am trying to convince myself that my new "plan" will work. I will be actively preventing. Yes, that's right folks, I am going back on the pill. Hopefully, it won't turn me into a devil! My last full pill cycle had me wishing people would fall off the roof. Of course, I can't blame that all on the pill...I blame the roofers too. And my complete lack of retail therapy. I need to shut my ovaries down and let all the hormones I have been ingesting, shooting into me and sticking onto my skin leave my system. Now is the time for my thyroid to rest. I would like to lose about 10 pounds and get back into dancing. No OHSS to stop me from pole classes. I am going to force myself to enjoy my new yoga/kick boxing class. I love the kick class I did at the gym a few months back. I am going to try to get back into that too. I have to plan a post tax season retreat for Scott and I! I want to be the sexy girlfriend again..not the cute but chunky girlfriend. I mean it seems so damn easy on paper but who knows how well I can handle it beyond tomorrow. But I do have great friends and those who know my saga will understand.

A small part of me will always hold onto the hope and dream that maybe someday it will happen. It will happen when I least expect it. So to be "prepared" I will keep taking my prenates, my thyroid meds and metformin. All 3 of these drugs will improve my general health, make it easier for me to lose weight and allow me to function.

I wonder if my complete inability to have any expectations for people, hell for the world is my undoing. I have lived this life with a belief that if you expect nothing, then no one will let you down. I fell that my body has truly let me down, but is that the same? I think I will have to chew on this for a while.

Today is my last ever iui. This is my very last cycle actually trying to get pregnant. If you pray, please pray for me. I am very nervous. We agreed that after this cycle we won't "prevent" but lets face it. If I can't get pregnant when we are actively trying whose to say it will happen when we are not trying. Scott says he will "I told you so" me for a good long time if it does happen that way. I can't believe that we have been trying for over 2 years now! Who'da thunk it? I am in cycle 28 and all I want for Christmas is a positive pregnancy test.
Please pray for us. I am afriad that I will become angry and resentful if I never have children of my own. I don't want this to ruin my relationship with Scott. I am not even sure I am ready to accept that I may never have my own children. I don't even want to think beyond today about ttcing.
Watch for an update. Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers.

Originally posted 12/7/07

Friday, November 02, 2007
BF Fucking N!!! Current mood: sad
Why?!? I really just want to know what the fuck the problem is with this situation? Why can't I get pregnant? Is it the sperm or the egg? Or both? Women all around the world get pregnant everyday and yet I can't. I had to fucken inject myself with drugs (very expensive drugs btw) and go for labs everyday for a week. I spent more time with dildocam then with Scott. I am sooo sad, pissed, frustrated, and spent. The cost of infertility goes beyond the allmighty dollar. I have lost my faith and my spirit. I ran out of hope way to long ago and can't see the bright side in much these days. Happily ever after? Yeah, if you are Cinder-fucking-rella! I don't believe in unicorns and rainbows. I failed yet again to get pregnant. I failed yet again to accept that I am a failure. The booze can't numb my pain. My heart hurts. I have no one to share this pain with...I mean afterall, Scott has kids already. Its no big loss if we never had kids together. If I had never pushed to try, it would have never come up. No, its me who wants to be a mommy. Its me who keeps failing. Anyways thats my assumption. I have a few ex-boyfriends who have procreated. Just not with me. But its not like the opportunity wasn't there...it just never happened. I used think "wow! I got lucky!" But the reality of it was that even then I was a failure. I am not even a "whole" woman. I am broken. I have spent more hours on google looking for answers then I can even imagine. I have "relaxed", take a vacation, gotten drunk, taken infertility drugs, had hotel sex, and even prayed. I light candles, read books, changed my diet and forced myself to choke down vitamins and other suppliments. I have spent more money on infertiltiy treatments then anything. I have consulted multiple doctors. I have done clomid 11 times. Did I mention that the max is 6 times. I have had 8 trigger shots. I have used an estrogen patch. I have taken estrogen pill and progesterone pills. Yes, I even took birth control pills to get pregnant. I have had a hsg and a shg. I have had a lap and hysterscopy. I can't even pronounce these procedures. I have had 3 iui's. Oh the fun! I used special lube and instead cups. I have peed on more sticks then I can count. Don't tell me to relax. I am tired of fucking relaxing. I tried that method and got fucking nowhere. Stress is not causing my infertility....infertiltiy is causing my stess. And why the fuck is IVF so fucking expensive?! Did I mention that my insurance coverage for infertility sucks? I mean it really fucking sucks!!! But, its better then nothing, even though there is better out there. Fuck, fuck, fuck! I can not appoligize for my feelings. Each and every month that my period starts its a little harder. I feel like I am dying a very slow and extrememly painful death. There is no mercy for me. Other peoples kids bring me to tears. Pregnant women can make me puke. I can't be happy for most women who get pregnant these day unless they have been trying longer then I have been trying. I want to yell and scream! Fuck! Yes, maybe this anger will eat me alive but it can't be more painful then the heartache of not being able to concieve. And it surely can not be more painful then injecting my belly full of infertility drugs. Thank God that Scott was able to handle sticking my belly with a needle filled with drugs. I swear I feel like a drug addict. I have track marks from all the lab work that goes with it. My arms were hurting from the labs. I am tired of baby making sex. Lastnight I made love to Scott. I mean really made to him. Baby making was not even on my mind. But fuck! I am still not a pregnant. I want a child so bad it hurts. Wow! I must sound like a fucking broken record. Did I mention the booze is not fucking helping my pain? I will probally pass out drunk before I begin to feel better. My tolerance is way to high. I can't even cry anymore. I have run out of tears. I have spent more time crying today then anything. My eyes are burning right now. Fuck!
Son of a bitch!! Sharks are loosing and now I am really fucking pissed. Yes, while it may seem that I just had this drastic subject jump hockey is the one sport where I can yell foul words and not think about trying to concieve. Fuck! I don't feel better but shit.
Ok, anyone who is reading this is probally afraid. I would be too. Actually I am. I am losing myself to infertiltiy and its hurts. The pain is going to kill me; maybe not physically but emotinally. I should stop now while I am ahead.

Originally posted 11/2/07

Ok Folks, here's a quick update. AF decided to show her ugly mug while we were vacationing in Mexico. I cried and cried and ot properly drunk in a sad attempt to mask my pain. The sunburn on my face did not hurt as bad as my heart was hurting. I told Scott that I want to pull out the big guns.
I started 150mg of clomid on cd3 and will add 75ui of Gonal-F. I am somewhat nervous about injecting myself with drugs but I want to be mommy badly enough that I am willing to try it. I order my drugs and spent too much money to get them but thats a benefit of not having the greatest health insurance.
On the house remodel front, things are still moving slow but moving. The constant noise, people coming and going still bother me but I will survive.
Thats all for now I suppose! Thanks for reading!

Originally posted 10/10/07

This is it! Current mood: accomplished
I was sitting and drinking my moring coffee and decided to look at my chart. I told Scott that I was curious as to when aunt flo was going to visit me again. Yes, I haven't even gotten rid of the hag and I am trying to plan her next visit. To be fair, we are going to Mexico for a wedding and wanted to see if I was traveling with white clothes or not. Anyways, he looks at me and says "in about 10 months or so." I was like , "now that's thinking positive!" I start clomid and estrogen tomorrow night. Today I am officially on the 3x a day dosage for my Met. I had horrible met gut this past week but look foward to having a better week. I feel like a druggie though. This cycle does have me loking foward to a bfp more then ever though. I mean with all the drugs I will be on (met, estrogen, clomid, trigger, progesterone, baby asprin, prenates, synthoid) what can go wrong!
I just started cardio kickboxing. I did a turbo kick class yesterday and loved it. Man I broke a sweat too! LOL! I am so out of shape. This mornings class was way to hard for me but I left the gym with a solid plan. I am dancing 2 nights a week, cardio sculpting and cardio kicking boxing one night, saturday morning workout, then sunday I will walk and do sit ups. It looks nice on paper and is such a beautiful theory. I just hope that I can stick with it!
The remodel is coming along. Scott has all the cabana built and needs to prine and paint it. Then he will focus on the inside of the cabana. I think the same guys who built it will do the stone work on the outside of the house. Now I just have to pick some stone. The inside of the house is kinda on pause but its totally sealed and liveable. I guess I can wait for that to be finished since I don't want people tracking in dirt and stuff. The new pool tile is nice too but not what I expected. Hmmm, I wonder if that was my error?!
Oh there is so much more going on in my life right now but I just can't go there. So here is the cliff notes version. I hope everyone is good!

Originally posted 9/9/07

PCOS Current mood: amused
I am giving ya'll a link to an article about PCOS. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20484317/

It is a decent read. I have PCOS. It is not a fun diagnosis. My testerone is really high, my lipids are high, my prolactin is high. For the non-meds here, testerone is the "male" hormone. It is produced by all women in their ovaires. For those of us with PCOS, we get tiny cysts on our ovaries that produce testerone in overdrive. As a result, I have oily skin, oily hair and I shed like crazy. My lipids are high so I have to watch my diet. I am also borderline insulin resistant. That means that my blood suger can swing all over the place if I don't eat and too much suger is bad for me. My prolactin is high. Prolactin is the hormone that a pregnant women produces during pregnancy and right before birth. It is the hormone that allows a women to produce milk to nurse. These are common issues with PCOS.

I am lucky that I get a period every month. Most PCOS'ers don't. But I have to work to maintain my weight. I take medication to control my blood suger.

PCOS is an important topic to me and I encourage every women to inform themselves. PCOS'ers are often times more likely to end up with heart disease. Heart disease is the number 1 killer for women. Another down side to PCOS is infertility. It saddends me to know that I may never have children of my own. Health insurance does not cover infertility treatments. These days IVF can run upwards $25,000 for one cycle. Its not a guarantee. Further for those of us who believe that God is in control and that doctors shouldn't play God, IVF is not even an option morally. Sad but true. Yes PCOS'ers can get pregnant "the old fashioned way" with the help of fertility drugs, again these drugs are not covered by insurance.

Food for thought. Any ladies that have young daughters should really educate their daughters about what is normal and what is not. It is not normal to have less then 8 periods a year. It is not normal to have hairy toes or hairy breasts. Skin tags in abundance on your neck? Not normal. Underarms that need to be shaved 2x's a day (like mine)? Yep, not normal either.

Is PCOS genetic? Probally. Studies have shown that premies are more likely then not to have PCOS.

Originally posted 8/29/07

I am looking on line for fertlity blend for men and hoping that I am pregnant this cycle. I really don't want to have the lap/hysterscope. But what will be will be. Man, I just keep thinking about all the money I would have saved by not using birth control. Sheesh! Infertility sucks. We signed up for a free seminar at the end of the month. To be honest, I have this fear that they will say to me "listen loser, your infertile...live with it." Ok, I know they won't say that but...
Any ways! Life is ok but it seems that I am the keeper of too many secrets. Not to mention that I am soooo de-motivated at the office right now. I just cant explain it.
Oh well...I thought I would blog that since I am sure my honey is getting tired of me talking about it. He never really says not to talk about it but I think a man could only hear so much about cm and the like. It is sooo ironic to me that if I do get pregnant this cycle that I will be do on my birthday. LOL! BTW...where the hell did this cold come from anyways?!?!

Originally posted 5/8/07

Home Remodel... Current mood: aggravated

OMG! Now I know why people get divorced after a big remodel.
Here's my rant!
So I have to vent and it may get long...fair warning! DSO's old roofing buddy is staying at our house (they are from FL) along with his wife and his employee. OMG! They are so flipping annoying. I know that I have PMS and a 3 day headache but sheesh! They drink alot and I can smell the beer on them. Not to mention they are messy. I am a total neat freak and extra mess kills me. And they are very loud. I mean give me a break. 6:30 (yes, am) on saturday morning and the wife is calling all her relatives and chatting away. I was about to get up and shout "shut the f$#^ up b#$$%^!!! But, they are my honeys friends and so I just tried to go back to sleep. Then to make matter worse, they heard us bding last night. Ok, what they heard was the bed moving but that's still enough. Trust me, if I thought they would have woken up by that, we would not have bd at all. Well, guess what I hear her telling her relatives about? Yep, she was telling them about the fact that we "do stuff" and how it woke her up last night. Then, since I had a pretty bad headache, I stayed in bed and she mad a huge mess in the kitchen. I know she thinks she did such a good job at cleaning up after herself but the counters felt greasy and the sink was dirty. Yes, again I will admit I am a neat freak but I don't think I was being to nit-picky, but that JMHO!!! Well, she makes this huge lunch and I clean up again! We also have hispanic contractors working on the house too. These guys are super nice, honest and very hard workers. I am also hispanic. The husband (dso's buddy) kept saying f'in mexican and making fun of these guys for being catholic. And the husband was making fun of the kid. How embarassing. I had to walk away or I would have lost it on this guy and told him to shut up or leave. I could not believe it. Oh, did I tell you that by 10 am roofing guy and helper guy already polished off a 6 pack of beer? I was hoping they would get drunk and fall off the roof. At least that would have shut them up for a little while! I know, thats bad to say. So I have decided that even if we don't bd tonight, I am going to jump in the bed and shout stuff like "oh yeah baby, whip me!" just to give them something to talk about! HAHAHA!!!

Ok, now that I got that off my chest I am still fuming. :(

Sorry about that!

Originally posted 8/26/06

HSG and concert

So today I had my hsg. Not the best feeling but there could be worse. Actually, while I was waiting for the doctor, I tried to think about all the thinks worse in life then infertility! 1. Root canals 2. Being force to clean an amusement park bathroom with your toothbrush 3. Using said toothbrush in 2 4. Being forced to listen to the spice girls all day long while trying to hammer your toes to concrete. 5. Hammering your toes to the concrete.
Ok, you all get the picute! I am tired now but other then that alive! Ohh...and tonight is the Bruce Hornsby concert. Man I love that guy!

Originally posted july 20, 2006