In case I never mentioned it before, I do taxes for a living. As a result, my life between February and April 15th is quite busy. Blogging and posting on my usual message boards falls by the wayside. I do keep up on reading blogs and certain message boards but it is usually a drive by read with little to no commenting.
So, here is my quick update. We are starting IVF very soon. It is a crazy, emotional time for me. I promise I will post more and I may even make a cute ticker to or put my schedule on the side bar of my blog to keep track of dates and what not.
I will keep ya'll posted.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
No tittle
I just reread my last blog post. I realized that I sound very selfish in my rant. Scott made a little remark to me this morning that made me realize he read my blog. No biggie, I want him to read my blog. I realized that my rant was all about me and MY feelings towards my infertility.
I have always assumed that Scott did not have feelings toward my infertility. But, we are a couple and while I mean be the one with bad eggs, we are in this together. It is our infertility. I know that he has some feelings, be they good or bad (happy or sad?) about our infertility. But let's face it...Men handle situations like infertility very differently then women. I have heard women say they hope it's them with the problem because they just don't think their man can handle it. What I should acknowledge is that the emotions that I have toward being unable to conceive are different from Scott's. And, he as a man will handle it differently that I will as a woman.
Men are naturally fixers. I think it frustrates our men when they can't fix us. It is also true that men just are big on sharing their feelings. A man who is also an engineer finds it nearly impossible to share their feelings. I joke with Scott that engineers have no feelings. I know they do but they (male engineers) seem to have the most trouble sharing their feelings.
So back to my last post here. I realize that while Scott may not be shedding tears over our inability to have a baby, he does have feelings about OUR infertility. I guess I have assumed that it is me who wants the baby, it is me with the bad eggs so therefore it is me with all the emotions. My goal for now is to not assume that Scott has no feelings towards our infertility and try to accept that he just because he doesn't verbalize them doesn't mean they don't exist. Well that, and to try to maintain a positive attitude that I will pass the next Lupon Challenge Test.
I have always assumed that Scott did not have feelings toward my infertility. But, we are a couple and while I mean be the one with bad eggs, we are in this together. It is our infertility. I know that he has some feelings, be they good or bad (happy or sad?) about our infertility. But let's face it...Men handle situations like infertility very differently then women. I have heard women say they hope it's them with the problem because they just don't think their man can handle it. What I should acknowledge is that the emotions that I have toward being unable to conceive are different from Scott's. And, he as a man will handle it differently that I will as a woman.
Men are naturally fixers. I think it frustrates our men when they can't fix us. It is also true that men just are big on sharing their feelings. A man who is also an engineer finds it nearly impossible to share their feelings. I joke with Scott that engineers have no feelings. I know they do but they (male engineers) seem to have the most trouble sharing their feelings.
So back to my last post here. I realize that while Scott may not be shedding tears over our inability to have a baby, he does have feelings about OUR infertility. I guess I have assumed that it is me who wants the baby, it is me with the bad eggs so therefore it is me with all the emotions. My goal for now is to not assume that Scott has no feelings towards our infertility and try to accept that he just because he doesn't verbalize them doesn't mean they don't exist. Well that, and to try to maintain a positive attitude that I will pass the next Lupon Challenge Test.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Don't tell me to stop
To quote Madonna:
"Don't tell me to stop;
Tell the rain not to drop;
Tell the wind not to blow';
Cause you said so, mmm;
Tell the sun not to shine;
Not to get up this time, no, no;
Let it fall by the way;
But don't leave me where I lay down"
I was telling our "house guest"* about my IF troubles and the extreme sadness I am feeling due to failing my Lupron Challenge Test. I know those who have never suffered from infertility think they are being helpful (although some non-if'ers are just assholes) when they say things like don't worry, don't stress, it will happen. I hate being told that if it was meant to be then I wouldn't be having troubles. Anyways, Mr. House Guest told to "get over it." He said that I am probably not meant to have kids. Now, usually this would cause me to say foul words but I am giving this guy a small pass. He is man and can't really empathize with someone who is not his significant other. But I was mad.
I don't have to "get over it" or "stop being sad" about MY infertility. It is MINE and I can be sad about it all I want. I have the right to ask people in MY home to refrain from talking about babies and pregnancy; I have the right to say "NO" to watching movies with titles like "Knocked Up." Don't tell me to stop and "deal with it." I am dealing with it...just not the way you want me to be dealing with it. I don't want your advise...I was some understanding. I want someone to tell me they don't understand my pain per say but they understand this is painful for ME.
DON'T TELL ME TO STOP CRYING ABOUT IT!!! They are MY tears and I can shed them over MY infertility anytime I want to. I admit, I am having trouble knowing there could be an egg maturity issue, egg quality issue or even a diminished ovarian reserve issue. I don't even want to think about donor eggs.
I want to tell people "YOU DEAL WITH IT!" Deal with my sadness, my tears, my endless research and my inability to deal with conversations or movies that are baby related. MY infertility is more important to me then YOUR inability to understand my pain. DEAL WITH IT!
"Don't tell me to stop;
Tell the rain not to drop;
Tell the wind not to blow';
Cause you said so, mmm;
Tell the sun not to shine;
Not to get up this time, no, no;
Let it fall by the way;
But don't leave me where I lay down"
I was telling our "house guest"* about my IF troubles and the extreme sadness I am feeling due to failing my Lupron Challenge Test. I know those who have never suffered from infertility think they are being helpful (although some non-if'ers are just assholes) when they say things like don't worry, don't stress, it will happen. I hate being told that if it was meant to be then I wouldn't be having troubles. Anyways, Mr. House Guest told to "get over it." He said that I am probably not meant to have kids. Now, usually this would cause me to say foul words but I am giving this guy a small pass. He is man and can't really empathize with someone who is not his significant other. But I was mad.
I don't have to "get over it" or "stop being sad" about MY infertility. It is MINE and I can be sad about it all I want. I have the right to ask people in MY home to refrain from talking about babies and pregnancy; I have the right to say "NO" to watching movies with titles like "Knocked Up." Don't tell me to stop and "deal with it." I am dealing with it...just not the way you want me to be dealing with it. I don't want your advise...I was some understanding. I want someone to tell me they don't understand my pain per say but they understand this is painful for ME.
DON'T TELL ME TO STOP CRYING ABOUT IT!!! They are MY tears and I can shed them over MY infertility anytime I want to. I admit, I am having trouble knowing there could be an egg maturity issue, egg quality issue or even a diminished ovarian reserve issue. I don't even want to think about donor eggs.
I want to tell people "YOU DEAL WITH IT!" Deal with my sadness, my tears, my endless research and my inability to deal with conversations or movies that are baby related. MY infertility is more important to me then YOUR inability to understand my pain. DEAL WITH IT!
Friday, January 30, 2009
This just pisses me off!
We have all heard the story of the Octuplets born to a California lady. Most people think that IVF was the cause the high order multiples. Wrong! Huge misnomer. Responsible RE's will not allow a women to put 8 embryos back. This pregnancy was probably due to injectible medications, most likely FHS, and either IUI or just god old fashion sex.
But that's not what pisses me off. This article states this mom already has 6 other kids at home. I have nothing against big families per say but it kills me to read that she now has 14 kids.
To be fair, I know my frustrations/ anger stems from the "donor egg talk" and the "you have scar tissue, high E2 and a low antral follicle count, your chances are on the low side." Shit! It's not supposed to be like this. I was supposed to grow up, get married, have kids, a house with a white picket fence and a dog. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. I am not asking for 14 kids...just 1.
And, even more so, I hate feeling like "why me." I have this anger inside and I am honestly depressed about the shitty cards life has dealt to me. I hate feeling like I need pity. I want to be happy and more importantly, optimistic that IVF can still work for me. Kick in the butt anyone?
I am editing this post to add this tidbits about the octuplet mom:
1) 14 kids2) Mom in her late twenties3) no Boyfriend or Husband4) lives at home with parents5) in a 2bdrm house, More "fun" news here too.
Nice! I am sure my tax dollars are hard at work.
But that's not what pisses me off. This article states this mom already has 6 other kids at home. I have nothing against big families per say but it kills me to read that she now has 14 kids.
To be fair, I know my frustrations/ anger stems from the "donor egg talk" and the "you have scar tissue, high E2 and a low antral follicle count, your chances are on the low side." Shit! It's not supposed to be like this. I was supposed to grow up, get married, have kids, a house with a white picket fence and a dog. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. I am not asking for 14 kids...just 1.
And, even more so, I hate feeling like "why me." I have this anger inside and I am honestly depressed about the shitty cards life has dealt to me. I hate feeling like I need pity. I want to be happy and more importantly, optimistic that IVF can still work for me. Kick in the butt anyone?
I am editing this post to add this tidbits about the octuplet mom:
1) 14 kids2) Mom in her late twenties3) no Boyfriend or Husband4) lives at home with parents5) in a 2bdrm house, More "fun" news here too.
Nice! I am sure my tax dollars are hard at work.
Finally...the old friend post...
I had this childhood friend. Due to the fact that she has had quite the hard life and has a record, I am going to not use her whole name. "M" and I lived a few houses apart from each other. Our older siblings were friends and our parents were ok with us shuffling back and forth to each others houses. M's dad moved the family when he and his wife separated. While M and I still were friends, M got mixed up with a not so great group. Eventually, to try to get M's life back on track, M's dad moved a few hours away to a new city. For M, that meant a new school. Sadly, the group of friends M flocked to were no better then her friends back in the old city.
Ever hear the saying "be careful of what you wish for...you just might get it?" Well, M got into trouble repeatedly and began seeing a boy a few years older the her. At the tender age of 12, M got grounded after her dad caught her and the boy doing things they shouldn't have been doing. M told her boyfriend that she wished her dad was dead. I am stopping the story here to protect M. M is not a bad person, she just got dragged into a bad situation.
At this point in time, M and I completely lost contact. There was never a day in my life that I didn't think about her. I always remembered to keep M and her family in my thoughts and prayers. I spent years trying to find her on Myspace and Facebook. Finally, it hit me that if M ever got married, she would have changed her last name. But M's older brother wouldn't have changed his last name. I googled M's older brother and found him. I sent his a generic message giving enough details so he wouldn't think I was some psycho spammer. Sure enough, he remembered me...and put me into contact with M.
Yeah! M and I reverted back to our childhood days and spent our first phone call in tears, laughing and catching up. Over 2 hours later, we promised to keep in touch with each other...and we have!
M got a bad deal out of life but she is such a strong woman. She is a mother, the taxi cab for her kids, the classroom mom, well, the whole nine. She has cared for her mother during her chemo treatments. She is married to a man who loves and respects her. I couldn't be more happy for M. See, I needed to blog about this to share my joy of finding M. Oh yeah, and to thank the techno gods for Google.
Ever hear the saying "be careful of what you wish for...you just might get it?" Well, M got into trouble repeatedly and began seeing a boy a few years older the her. At the tender age of 12, M got grounded after her dad caught her and the boy doing things they shouldn't have been doing. M told her boyfriend that she wished her dad was dead. I am stopping the story here to protect M. M is not a bad person, she just got dragged into a bad situation.
At this point in time, M and I completely lost contact. There was never a day in my life that I didn't think about her. I always remembered to keep M and her family in my thoughts and prayers. I spent years trying to find her on Myspace and Facebook. Finally, it hit me that if M ever got married, she would have changed her last name. But M's older brother wouldn't have changed his last name. I googled M's older brother and found him. I sent his a generic message giving enough details so he wouldn't think I was some psycho spammer. Sure enough, he remembered me...and put me into contact with M.
Yeah! M and I reverted back to our childhood days and spent our first phone call in tears, laughing and catching up. Over 2 hours later, we promised to keep in touch with each other...and we have!
M got a bad deal out of life but she is such a strong woman. She is a mother, the taxi cab for her kids, the classroom mom, well, the whole nine. She has cared for her mother during her chemo treatments. She is married to a man who loves and respects her. I couldn't be more happy for M. See, I needed to blog about this to share my joy of finding M. Oh yeah, and to thank the techno gods for Google.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
In limbo
Today we met with the RE. I am going to make this short for two reasons. Reason #1 is that my nails are wet. Reason #2 is due to the fact that until I get the results from my reproductive hormone assay, I can not determine if there is cause for worry (or should I say more cause for worry). I had my uterus measured and got an antral follicle count. Bad news: I have a very low AFC. Add that to my high E2 and it looks like egg quality is the issue. I have been holding back tears for most of the day. It has been hard. Top that off with the news that I am making our current house guests uncomfortable (apparently, I can't have PMS or people feel unwanted here) and the news that we will have additional house guests and I am ready to explode. Add in the fact that this additional house guest is a guest who is noisy (and misses the toilet every time he pees) and I just don't think I can handle life stress and tax season stress.
Sigh! This was not what I wanted to blog about. I am so damned anxious (excitied?) to blog about reconnecting with my childhood friend.
Sigh! This was not what I wanted to blog about. I am so damned anxious (excitied?) to blog about reconnecting with my childhood friend.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Bad blogger
I have been a bad blogger. I haven't been reading or commenting on blogs. I promised a blog on reconnecting with old friends and I will...soon.
Tax season is about to start and I am somewhat frustrated with all the "great" changes that will be going on it our office. People think that change can be good but sometimes it's not the case. I would give more examples or details but talking about it just annoys me. Add this to the stress of saving every single penny so that I can start my IVF feeling good about paying for it and it just amounts to a huge case of heart burn. I am really looking forward to starting IVF. I have almost made peace with the fact that sex alone will not get me pregnant. Of course, I would not be sad if we were to conceive now. I find myself "relaxed" about ttcing. I know that I could do all those newbie ttc tricks (elevate my butt, use pre-seed) and it just won't work. So now I just don't care. Sure, every now and then I will pop open some pre-seed. I won't lie and say that I never think to myself thoughts such as "this could be it."But now, I say "this could be it"...and bust out laughing. I don't think of my pre-AF cramps as anything but pre-AF cramps.
Speaking of pre-AF cramps, they are killing me right now. I was expecting AF today (on my birthday of all days) and am happy she is not here yet. Now, a hugely wonderful birthday present would be a BFP. I have made that birthday wish year after year. This year, I faced reality. I can still have a great day despite AF.
Now I am preparing myself for a better diet in preparation for IVF. I am going back to counting calories and eating less "white" carbs. Oh yeah, and preparing myself, at least mentally, for my the tax season.
Tax season is about to start and I am somewhat frustrated with all the "great" changes that will be going on it our office. People think that change can be good but sometimes it's not the case. I would give more examples or details but talking about it just annoys me. Add this to the stress of saving every single penny so that I can start my IVF feeling good about paying for it and it just amounts to a huge case of heart burn. I am really looking forward to starting IVF. I have almost made peace with the fact that sex alone will not get me pregnant. Of course, I would not be sad if we were to conceive now. I find myself "relaxed" about ttcing. I know that I could do all those newbie ttc tricks (elevate my butt, use pre-seed) and it just won't work. So now I just don't care. Sure, every now and then I will pop open some pre-seed. I won't lie and say that I never think to myself thoughts such as "this could be it."But now, I say "this could be it"...and bust out laughing. I don't think of my pre-AF cramps as anything but pre-AF cramps.
Speaking of pre-AF cramps, they are killing me right now. I was expecting AF today (on my birthday of all days) and am happy she is not here yet. Now, a hugely wonderful birthday present would be a BFP. I have made that birthday wish year after year. This year, I faced reality. I can still have a great day despite AF.
Now I am preparing myself for a better diet in preparation for IVF. I am going back to counting calories and eating less "white" carbs. Oh yeah, and preparing myself, at least mentally, for my the tax season.
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