Red Red Wine oh and Now Accepting Applications

Ok, so I am not drinking wine, red or otherwise but listening to the song. Last night Scott and I went to see Booney James and Fourplay in concert. Fourplay was good and I like their music. Booney James was just not my cup of tea. I am sure if you like saxophone and jazz music, Booney James is your man. But me...eh, I can take it or leave it. Mostly, leave it.

That leads me to what I really was planning to blog about. My blogging lately has been about my IVF, then my miscarriage, then my FET. I would like to liven up my blog. I am thinking it's time for a guest blogger. Any takers? Let me know in a comment. No rules other then make it fun (or snarky, venty, whatever!).

Almost sold

This week while at my acupuncture appointment, my acu lady noticed that I am congested. I mentioned the yes, I have allergies and lots of congestion. She put a needle in my hand and explained it was for allergies. Wow! I have had 2 fulls days now where my congestion is almost non-existent. Sweet!

I swear the wait to FET has been a long one. But, in just under a week, my little embies will be back inside me. I am hoping that all 3 survive but I will take what I can get.

Since I am trying to eat lunch, I am just going to post with bullets the random shit that I was going to post. I can skip the nice paragraphs!

• WTF?!? Is hockey season ever going to start?
• WTF?!? Is this year flying by or is it just me?
• Holy smokes...I must start shopping for Scott's birthday gift(s) ASAP!
• Construction boys are back...already I am obsessing over the finger prints.
• I do NOT have OCD...not matter what FB says!
• Nancy's POAS post got me thinking. Will I POAS this time around?
• Maybe I should post a survey on my blog.
• Sweet!!! I am wearing size 6 jeans from Express. I bet I could have bought the 4's...they do stretch.
• I have been feeling like a 2 left footed person lately...can I blame the estrogen?
• Seriously, my Hip Hop Hustle class could be called "Burn those Calories!"
• I need to catch up on my blog commenting and will do so soon...I hope.

Tonight Scott and I are going to a concert. Fun times!

FET Update

Yes! I finally have a FET update. I never thought this day would come. I sat, giddy at my desk yesterday, waiting for today's appointment.

Here's the low down: lining is measuring at 8.5. Dr. P said that is great for where I am at in my cycle. He even smiled today and did the little leg pat he does to reassure his patients. He can be very stoic and seem put off by working with patients but he is a nice guy. He just takes a little while to warm up. I got my labs done and signed my consent form. Now, I have to remember to get Scott to sign it so I can mail it back to the clinic. Sigh!

And we're off

Today I start the estrogen patches. Unlike my fresh IVF cycle, I won't be making tickers for my FET cycle. At least not yet.

Another Safe Haven Gone

As an infertile woman, there aren't a lot of place to go or people to talk to who truly understand the fear, anger and pain of infertility. That is of course until I found safe haven #1.

My little message board was a place filled with all kinds of women, fertile and infertile alike. We bitter infertile had our own little space to vent, cry, complain and be as bitter as we wanted to be. I loved our little space and vented many a times about things that I won't even blog about. Then we found out that lurkers were reading on our safe little board and they didn't not like what they read. They resented our anger and bitterness. Our once private board was opened up and all our so called dirty laundry got aired. Now to be fair the person who was the original lurker loves drama and had been in the center of a few firestorms. So, it was not surprising to me that once again she was fueling a fire. Things were said, the air was clear and our safe little message board is back to normal.

Facebook was safe haven #2 for me. I could post IVF updates and chat with my fellow IF'ers. That is until I started getting friend requests. Not just any friend requests, but friend requests from the group of people with whom Scott and I associate. See, I wouldn't quite call the people is this group a friend. I mean, I surly wouldn't be able to count on them in my time of need; I barely even know them. I made some changes to my profile, removed my blog link and accepted these friend requests. I mean, what's it gonna hurt, right?

But now I feel like I have to sensor myself. I have posted less then usual on my little message board for fear that my bitterness and anger my scare or offend someone. I don't want to post IVF or FET updates on Facebook now. Gaa!

4th of July

Independence day. The day as a little kid I would wait for, knowing that it was halfway (in my little kid mind) to Christmas. Now as an adult, I am sitting here thinking "where did the first half of the year go?!" It seems like the year started with all the gusto that comes with each new year, celebrations that make you feel a little older and then the part of the year that I call "tax season" quickly follows. While I had tax season to occupy my mind, I still anxiously awaited the start of my IVF cycle. This is the first year since Scott and I started dating that we did not take a post tax season vacation. But I digress. My IVF cycle seemed to encompass my life and my mind and before I knew it, I was in the dreaded 2 week waiting.

My dear friend from message board land just got a bfn in her first IVF cycle. I cried tears for her, as if it were me who got the bfn. Having been through 3 and half years of soul crushing, gut wrenching bfns, I know all to well the pain of a bfn. However, after spending your life fortune on IVF, a bfn is much harder to swallow. It seems shocking to me that while we (meaning doctors and science) can do the necessary steps for IVF, it hasn't been perfected. Just proof to me that man really isn't a God...but sure likes to play one. I am not sure what is worse...a bfn at the end of an IVF cycle or losing your baby at the end of and IVF cycle. Personally, I know that I had frozen embies and paid for a FET cycle. For me, it would have been easier for my first IVF to end in a bfn. I was prepared for that. I was not prepared for a miscarriage. No one can prepare for that, even knowing that my numbers were going down and I was going to miscarry, I carried around this hope that it was a mistake. I carried around a hope that my baby was being ornery and that my next beta would show perfectly doubling numbers. But alas, that was a misguided hope that made no sense.

Here is it July and by checking my FET calender on my side bar, I know that I am closer to starting estrogen to prepare my uterus for my embies. I am nervous. What if's are running through my mind. Irrational or not, I can't stop worrying.

Happy 4th of July! Today as America celebrate its Independence Day with bar-b-ques and fire works, I will sit here and hope and pray for my fellow infertile sisters out there. One day too, I hope that I will have a child soo looking forward to the holiday that is the half way mark to Christmas.

Acupuncture and Anger

It's July! Where did time go? It feels like the process of building up to the FET is taking a long time. Everyday, I inject myself with lupron and wonder if it will be July yet. Well, it's July and now I wonder how soon I can start my estrogen patches. 2 weeks at a time...that's how I live my life.

I am back in acupuncture. My first experience with acupuncture was not pleasant. It hurt like a mo-fo and I dreaded going. This time around, it is much easier. I am not sure if it is determination to make this cycle work or if the fact that I am actually seeing a Chinese doctor. She is a very nice, soft spoken lady. I was leery when I saw the shopping center with her office and almost did not walk into it. I mean, I literally turned around and walked back to my car. But, then I remembered that I made an appointment and I get so mad when people make appointments with me but don't show up. So back to her office I went, took a deep breath and walked in. Her office smelled heavenly. We talked for a while then got started. I was very nervous but once she got all the needles in and turned off the lights I began to relax.

Then it hit me. Anger and grief like I never knew before. I felt my eyes burn. OMG! I was going to cry...I mean finally cry over losing my baby. I have been sad, mad, even a little surprised over my miscarriage but never really cried. I would tear up here and there but never let those tears fall. I wanted to scream and hit something. I am so angry. I haven't talked out loud to anyone about this; hell, I find myself comforting people when they ask me about the outcome of my IVF. Why!? Comfort me damn it...I am the one who lost my baby!

I find myself wanting to be alone...just so I can cry. I need to be able to mourn this baby before my FET. More then anything I want to scream. I mean really shout and get this anger out of me. It is eating me up alive.

I am currently suffering from insomnia. Or yeah, and my ulcer is bleeding (or at the very least, it's aggravated). Stressed much anyone? Great.