See, there's this thing

See, there is thing that is always going to be there. And this thing can affect ttcing. And well, maybe life in general. But, if I say no, "don't do this thing" it will create anger and resentment. But, if I say yes, "do it" it can and may further affect our chances of actually having a baby. It's a lose-lose situation. Now, I don't mind this thing...I will even participate in this thing on some occasions. (Don't get me started on how pissed I get when he does this thing when we have dss!!) So fast forward to now. I knew about this thing way before we became a couple and to be honest it didn't bother me. But that is before I wanted kids.


I know that I can't change this situation any but I wish there was an obvious solution. Its so very easy from him to say it really won't affect our chances. Ultimately at the end, there can be no regrets on his part, if we never succeed if achieving a healthy pregnancy. There will be no loss on his part other then to say "I am sorry that I could not make you happy." If we were to part tomorrow, he would not actively look for a partner to ttc. Of course, I would and that could open a big, ugly can of worms. EWWW!


After typing all this out, I have gone from feeling guilty due to asking him to avoid this thing to feeling guilty for wanting kids (or at least a child of my own). I knew from the get go that I could never change him, and I didn't want to. I guess it's me who changed. Now I feel even worse since I changed who I am and he didn't fall in love with this me. Sigh! What a conundrum!