MD (mother's day) came and went. On Saturday, Scott and I went to a jewelry store. I was helped by a pregnant woman and surrounded by pregnant women. After placing my order, I pretty much rushed out. I just could not handle all those pregnant ladies. Scott and I went out to lunch and I knew that life was just one giant commie plot. Again, I was surrounded by pregnant women. We had lunch and ran some errands. Just a typical Saturday.
On Saturday afternoon, I went to a fashion show. My dance teacher (my friend) struggled with secondary IF. She gave me some advice that I would usually call "ass-vise." But, I know she truly respects my pain, she understands it. We talked, and she let me be sad. I am so thankful for people like her.
On MD, my mother, sister, grandma and I met for lunch and the Cheesecake Factory. Did I mention that Grandma had 4 kids, My mom had 4 kids and Sister had 3 kids but has been pregnant 5 times?! Urgh! Mom let me cry some and then we all sat down together for lunch. I had far to much to drink and my usual AF symptom appeared. Yes, I was crampy and had a migraine. :( I then joined Scott at home and we visited a few friends. I cringed a few times when I was told "Happy MD." I cringed even more when Scott begged everyone to not remind me that I wasn't a mother. I really felt...how did I feel? (I am definitely going to have to come back to this thought since I realize that it's still bothering me.)
When we were in Mexico, I did not "act like an if'er." I did everything wrong. I drank too much and smoked. I enjoyed my vacation though and feel no guilt. But, when AF showed her ugly mug, I was still sad. I know that I did everything wrong and would totally worry about the health of my unborn baby if MD brought in a bfp.
So here it is, many hours post MD. I have decided that I will force myself to get through this week now and take one day at time. I cried this morning in my shower and I am not sure that I should even admit that out loud. I am so damned sad. But more importantly, I am afraid that I will develop that sad, bad attitude that I had a few weeks ago. I was afraid then (and I am afraid now) that my attitude will have a negative impact on my relationship with Scott. I had such a wonderful conversation with an IVF coordinator last week and felt true hope. I am not feeling that hope this week and it scares me. I know that ttc and IF can be a true roller coaster ride but this ride is starting to make me seasick.
2 comments:
You know, those were my very favorite types of friends to talk to about ttc - the ones who just LET ME feel sad. I don't know what it is with people always trying to make you feel better. I mean, why? Why do so many people think it's up to them to make you forget about why you are sad? It's okay to be sad. It's OKAY to feel bad about the entire shitty situation. (when the bad starts shadowing the good though, this is when I think it's beneficial to assess the situation.).
Good for your trip and having FUN. TTC shouldn't just consume us. And unfortunately, it does. I know I've not been the same person the past 1 1/2 years. And this is why Tom and I had an "end date". I needed to know when enough was enough. This is what ~I~ did to try to control IF's grip on me. Not saying I suggest anyone do that, as I'm in a special situation, but maybe you and Scott and think about what you need to do to keep YOU whole. To keep you two whole as a couple.
I'm sorry you are sad. But look up towards this IVF!
Great work.
Post a Comment