Color me strange...

I was driving past a house today and noticed the homeowners were having an open house. I was really tempted to stop and look at the house. I have no idea why. I mean, I am not in the market to buy a house (nor can I afford one!), I have no plans to move anytime soon, and don't think We (Scott and I) need another house. But I love stopping and looking at open houses. They are so neat and staged just right. You get to see the house and imagine what you would do if it were your own house. I didn't stop but my strange desire to walk through open houses made me wonder. What other are the other odd things about me.

I love to read death certificates. I don't mean in a disrespectful way to say that. I love looking at people's names and the brief family history on the certificates. I like to read about their choice of cremation or burial and where ashes would go if they were cremated. I look intently at their cause of death, where is happened and if the coroner thinks it was natural, suicide or homicide. I will Google the causes of death if I don't know (based on little medical knowledge) the meaning of certain causes written on the death certificate.

Moving being the morbid, I am a tire kicker. Whenever I am on a car lot, I kick the tires of a car. Why do people kick the tires anyways? Its not like the act of kicking the tire will determine if the car is a lemon or not. And I don't just kick one or two tires either. Any new car on a car lot looks like an opportunity to kick a tire. If I am looking at a car, I will turn around and kick the tires on the car next to it.

I am a neat can freak. We have this cabinet built in our kitchen, just for canned goods. Its called a can cabinet (neat name, huh?!). I have my canned goods in a perfect order, labels facing foward. The cans are grouped to together by product. No can is facing slightly off center and the corn will never be stored with another other group of food but corn. The same is true with tuna, soups, fruit and so on. People like to come to my house and "rearrange" the cans and see how long it takes me to notice. I am thinking about installed an electric fence on my can cabinet. Or a sign that says "Don't touch the cans!" This leads me to another kitchen odditiy. See, we did all stainless appliances in our remodeled kitchen. Stainless appliances = finger prints. It kills me. I spend probally more time a week wiping away finger prints then not. I have joked that I am going to take a finger print anaylsis class so I can smack the hand of the person who leaves a finger print. Yep, I am a freak!

Ok, not that I have spilled my freakishly odd habits out here, I think I will find something normal to do now.

Happy Memorial Day!

My story...the very begining

So, I am out of order here...sue me! I only told my story as way before ttc ever entered my mind. I thought it would be nice to give a little background. See, for as long as I can remember, I was afraid of an unplanned pregnancy. I come from a very fertile family.

I started taking the pill and always insisted that my boyfriends used condoms. Hey, better safe then sorry, right?! Sometime in college, one of my gal pals hailed the depo-provera shot as the wonder birth control. I went to my doctor and got on the shot. In the beginning, I bled for 3 months straight. That finally stopped and I was AF free. I stayed on the depo for 10 years. I stopped the shot when I realized that not having AF could probably be bad and maybe even make it harder to conceive should my life ever go that route. I switched to the patch. I always got really bad leg cramps on the patch and would bleed out of the blue. I stayed on that until mid summer 2005. At this time, I was getting horrible migraines, bad break outs, and leg cramps. (I still suffer from leg cramps, especially after I fly.) My ob/gyn put me on the progesterone only pill. It turned me into the devil. I hated it but stuck it out. At this time Scott and I were not even ready for the "lets ttc talk" so we also doubled up our protection. I laugh now since we started off using two forms (me on the patch and him using a condom) and then we finally ditched the condoms. Oh, the money (and aggravation) we could have saved! :(

I still think that the years I was on depo-provera caused me the most harm. I do blame my infertility on that wicked shot. I am not sure that I buy it when people say years of birth control should affect your fertility. I think years of depo did affect *MY* fertility.

I know I told my story earlier, but felt that I needed to give a little more detail about my fertility pre-ttc. Yes, I skipped alot...but some details are better left unspoken (un-typed?).

My Story

I met Scott (DBF) back in the 90’s. He was married and I was in a relationship. Fast forward to 2005 and I was in the midst of breaking off my relationship and he was divorced. He volunteered to take me out and I finally accepted. We spent the entire evening together and really got to know each. (I mean really know each other!!!) Somehow, we fast-tracked our relationship and I moved into his house after 6 weeks of dating. It was “supposed” to be temporary but here it is 3 years later and I am still living with him! ;)

About 6 months into our relationship, I got bit big time by the baby bug. I wanted to be mommy. It took a few weeks for me to say anything to him though. Halloween 2005, I finally told him I wanted to try. He actually agreed! I started temping but waited a week or to before I tossed my pill pack. My first “full” cycle (af to af) was a bust; I didn't ovulate! By the 6 month mark, I switched Ob/Gyn's (not ttc related) and went to see my new doctor about my reoccurring UTI’s. She was writing out the prescription and I told her I was ttcing. She and I talked and I explained that I was in a hurry since DBF is 15+ years older then me. She stated that usually doctors will start testing after 6 months if the female is over 35 but in my case she ordered some “basic” tests. I got cd3 labs and cd21 labs. My cd labs were fine but I had high testosterone. At the 9-month mark, I got my HSG. My right tube spilled slowly but the left was ok. At the 11-month mark, I started clomid. I did clomid and the clomid with IUI for a few cycles then took a short break. At the 16-month mark, I had my lap. Everything was ok (or so I have been told). Did I mention that I did 10 cycles of clomid with this doctor?!? At this point I was pretty sure that sex was not going to get me pregnant. I again switched doctors after my ob/gyn told me she was baffled and couldn't help me anymore. She gave me a referral to another gyn who specializes in IF treatments.

I met with the new gyn. I was unsure about him since he was only an gyn but his policy was that he did not want to treat a non-pregnant women with pregnant women waiting in his lobby. I did one more clomid cycle and then on to injects I went. I did 4 injects cycles (only 3 with IUI). I did my last medicated cycle in Jan. 2008. 33 cycles later and I have never seen a bfp. I had 1 beta come back a 7.

Anyone ever see "Pulp Fiction"? Every time I see that movie, I would say (when John Travolta was shooting up) that I would never willingly inject myself with drugs...words that would come back to bite me!!

I am now researching IVF and hope to switch insurance at the end of this year. Hopefully, that will happen and I can start IVF in 2009. I am also saving some money in case switching from the PPO to the HMO is not feasible (I am leaving out those various reasons) so I can start IVF a little sooner and pay for it out of pocket.

Update from my last post

Here is what I wrote "I cringed even more when Scott begged everyone to not remind me that I wasn't a mother. I really felt...how did I feel? (I am definitely going to have to come back to this thought since I realize that it's still bothering me.)."

I realized now why I am/ was bothered by this. I wanted pity! I wanted to tell my story and make people feel sorry for me. But, more importantly, I wanted to make people understand IF is not a topic to glaze over. I know that many people are not interested. They don't want to be educated on IF. The pain that I feel makes people uncomfortable. My talking about my struggles trying to conceive would make others scrim in their seat. They don't know how to handle my pain. As a result, people put on "kid gloves" and pretend that not talking about it would make it all go away.
I suppose that this was a result of my bleeding like a stuck pig or just my general bad attitude. Truly, I hate being pitied. But, mothers day was just one of those days that I wanted to throw myself a temper tantrum, stop my feet and shout "it's not fair!" Good thing that a little while later, I am in better spirits. LOL!

MD and stuff...

Wow! I just realized that I did not blog about my vacay in Mexico! That will come later.

MD (mother's day) came and went. On Saturday, Scott and I went to a jewelry store. I was helped by a pregnant woman and surrounded by pregnant women. After placing my order, I pretty much rushed out. I just could not handle all those pregnant ladies. Scott and I went out to lunch and I knew that life was just one giant commie plot. Again, I was surrounded by pregnant women. We had lunch and ran some errands. Just a typical Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, I went to a fashion show. My dance teacher (my friend) struggled with secondary IF. She gave me some advice that I would usually call "ass-vise." But, I know she truly respects my pain, she understands it. We talked, and she let me be sad. I am so thankful for people like her.

On MD, my mother, sister, grandma and I met for lunch and the Cheesecake Factory. Did I mention that Grandma had 4 kids, My mom had 4 kids and Sister had 3 kids but has been pregnant 5 times?! Urgh! Mom let me cry some and then we all sat down together for lunch. I had far to much to drink and my usual AF symptom appeared. Yes, I was crampy and had a migraine. :( I then joined Scott at home and we visited a few friends. I cringed a few times when I was told "Happy MD." I cringed even more when Scott begged everyone to not remind me that I wasn't a mother. I really felt...how did I feel? (I am definitely going to have to come back to this thought since I realize that it's still bothering me.)

When we were in Mexico, I did not "act like an if'er." I did everything wrong. I drank too much and smoked. I enjoyed my vacation though and feel no guilt. But, when AF showed her ugly mug, I was still sad. I know that I did everything wrong and would totally worry about the health of my unborn baby if MD brought in a bfp.

I have recently started dancing again. I am looking to tone up and get into shape. LOL! My dance instructor said that I will tone up from top to bottom and have me nice, toned booty and flat abs and find myself pregnant. I wouldn't mind that really but wonder if that is what will happen.


So here it is, many hours post MD. I have decided that I will force myself to get through this week now and take one day at time. I cried this morning in my shower and I am not sure that I should even admit that out loud. I am so damned sad. But more importantly, I am afraid that I will develop that sad, bad attitude that I had a few weeks ago. I was afraid then (and I am afraid now) that my attitude will have a negative impact on my relationship with Scott. I had such a wonderful conversation with an IVF coordinator last week and felt true hope. I am not feeling that hope this week and it scares me. I know that ttc and IF can be a true roller coaster ride but this ride is starting to make me seasick.

Yeah! I've been tagged!

Thanks Lizzy for tagging me!

4 things I did ten years ago (1998)

1. I declared a major in college! I choose Economics because it seemed to fulfill alot of topics that I am (was?) passionate about. I loved the various theories of Macroeconomics and truly enjoyed Calculus. As a matter of fact, I almost majored in calculus.
2. I dated...alot. I was somewhat single and dated alot here and there. I wasn't sleeping around though. I met alot of wonderful people, many of whom I still talk to today.
3. I became a permanent employee at my current job. Before 1998, I was an intern and worked very seasonal hours.
4. I bought a car. I purchased a 1987 Nissan Pulsar. Oh! I loved my little, silver bullet! My car was small and corners so well. I could park just about anywhere and my gas mileage was great.



4 things I did five years ago (2003)



1. I adopted my lovely Princess. She was a cocker spaniel mix and just beautiful. I felt so happy to have saved her from the Humane Society and loved her up until her death in 2005. She seemed to smile at you and always wanted to go for a walk. Even better? A ride in the car! She loved the pet store and other dogs. She really was the best dog for me and I will miss her forever.

2. I drove to Laughlin, NV. I won a trip from some KQED auction. It was a nice trip and learned alot about myself.

3. I also went through a deep, dark period of my life. I realized much later just how unhappy I was and am very shaken when I realized that I used to be in such a bad situation. I am also extremely lucky to be in a much better place in life.

4. I started signing tax returns for my firm. I transitioned from staff preparer to tax preparer.



4 things I did yesterday



1. I sat in the back seat of Donna's Tahoe and we left Puerto Penasco, Mexico and drove back to Phoenix, Arizona. We stopped at Dairy Queen and pigged out. Of course no visit to Dairy Queen is complete unless you get a soft serve ice cream cone!!

2. I unload a car full of stuff that we carted down to Mexico and back.

3. I watch the San Jose Sharks play hockey.

4. I cried over the fish sticks. :( The Sharks lost in the second round of the playoffs.



4 shows that I love to watch



1. Big Love

2. Rescue Me

3. Emerile Live

4. No Reservations



4 things that make me really happy



1. My wonderful Scott

2 My wonderful friends

3. My family

4. A really good pedicure



Now its my turn to tag 4 people. I am choosing Kat, Nancy, Steph and Sherry. Have fun ladies!