I truly just can not stand to hear about people having babies. Ok, strangers that I am "supposed to like" because we went to the same church when we were kids. Yeah. I don't care how many kids they have or how cute thier kids are, or how much some other person out there enjoys them. I don't want to hear about the "surprise" baby or the "baby we weren't planning on "trying for" for a few more months." Hello moron?! Have sex and you may get pregnant...actually since you are such a dumb fuck, you will get pregnant. Stupidity breeds, common sense is lost. Yikes!
Oh but then there is the whole "you don't have to be so bitter" issue. Excuse me? Come again? Don't tell me I do not have the right to be bitter. Damn straight I am bitter.
On a side note, this blog has taken me almost a week to type. I had awesome ewcm yesterday and I totally wanted to not babydance. Seriously people! I hate getting my hopes up. But shit, why did I have ewcm? I mean, I never get that on medicated, forced, I am really ttcing cycles so why now?! I actually had it for about 2 days and avoid sex on those days. My bad, yes but I hate getting my hopes up. I (being the horny woman I am) couldn't avoid it forever so I got greedy and enjoyed some hot monkey loving with my honey. I wanted to beg him to use a condom to further "prevent" but I hate condoms. :(
Emotionally, I was not expecting these feelings. I hate this. I hate giving up. I can not bank on an IVF study. I hate that I have to accept that I won't be having kids of my own. I dreamed the other night that Scott kicked me out and moved some "other" person into the house. I was angry and bitter and slept with "A." In my dream, I got pregnant and had to figure out who the daddy was. Yep, in my dream it was Scott and I hated that he still wanted to be with "other person" despite the fact that we were parents together. I have this dream alot. I kinda co-migles with the "Scott's cheating on me dream." I guess its my own insecurity and I try really hard to remind myself that it was just a nightmare. I know that. I hate it but still I know that its just a horrible nightmare that I must deal with and forget it when I wake up.
On a greater note, I am going to be pole dancing again. I am looking foward to getting in shape and getting my body back. Scott never really got "sexy Me" so I hope that I can get my sexy back and make him hot for me! ;)
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