Thanks Fergie...

"You got me tripping, stumbling..." That's me today. Don't call me Grace. I thought that once I started pole dancing I would become light on my feet, full of grace and lots of balance. I am getting good at walking in my 6 inch stilettos. Actually, I love my shoes. I love having my own pole. I hate that I still feel like I am just not that graceful. I know that I am my own biggest critic. But I do know (thanks to my wonderful teacher) that I have horrible balance. A small part has to do with the fact that I have a weak core. I have been trying to tighten it up and strengthen it. Another factor is that my left leg is shorter then my right leg. Right now, its quite obvious to the naked eye. This requires a few visits to the chiropractor but I am trying to avoid that to save some money. A slight side note, I get major motion sickness. This leads me to believe that I must have some inner ear issue, which can affect balance. But just the 5 weeks that I have been dancing (I took a break to stim) my body is feeling better. I am getting back into the groove again. "But wait," you ask, "aren't you stiming right now?" Yes, yes I am but since I had no clue I was going to be stimming again when I signed up. My wonderful instructor has put some limits on what I can do (most of the warm up, most of the dance) and what I can't do (no going upside down, no power crunches), and since there are only 2 classes left, I am sticking with both dancing and stiming.

So back to the tittle of this post. I just got the Fergie cd for my birthday. I love it. And that song "Clumsy", which by the way can stick in your head. And I always feel very clumsy in my everyday life but super sexy when dancing and after my dance class. So thanks Fergie for summing it all up for me. ;)

Today's your birthday!

Ok, to begin, I have to apologize for my typos. For some reason, my key board on my laptop works when it wants to . And since I type faster then my laptop can think, I don't often notice my typos.

Ok, today is my 33rd birthday. First of all, I have to say that I have wonderful friends. All of the wonderful birthday wishes made me smile. My boss and coworkers took me out for lunch. My mom and sister both called me. Scott and Austin took me out for a nice dinner, bought me an ice cream cake and gave me a bunch of gifts. But the cards they gave me were cute too. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. While I would never wish infertility on anyone, I know that the brave, strong and wise women I have met through out my journey will always be in my prayers. I know that I can count on these ladies to vent to, cry to and share both pain and happiness. Thank you all so very much. I hate the club we are part of (IF) but am so very glad to have met you all.

Today my bio dad called. I do love my dad. I have gotten over the past and want to know My daddy better. I was my daddy's baby girl. I miss him alot and had a wonderful phone conversation today with him.

Ok, 33 is not bad...yet! LOL!

Heath Ledger....RIP

Why is this blog worthy you might ask? Because I am tired of reading about young celebs dying. My god, Heath was 28. He has a 2 year old baby daughter and was in the prime of his career. And to be honest, I just don't get it. :( Why does it bother me? Lets say it was suicide. How selfish can a person be to leave his 2 year old child without a father? That poor baby will never her father and will always wonder is she was the cause of her daddies death. Ok now lets say it was “accidental.” Tragic and sad but why did he not think about the consequences of taking too many pills? Now, I was not there, nor do I know the guy but my heart aches for his daughter and his family. I would never wish the kind of pain, sadness or agony onto any person. I know my ramblings probably don't make sense but I am still trying to wrap my mind around these emotions I am feeling. Hmmm...I think I may have to revisit this topic.

I am the queen!

LOL! Not really but I swear I make the worlds best salsa. Seriously, I should jar it and sell it. I am also the queen of "predictions." I "predicted" when my dear (ya right) aunt flow would be at my house. Except for the time of day I would see her, she showed up today as I predicted That tell-tell backache pretty much gave it all away. I sat on the couch after work today, comtemplating my cramps and eating my salsa like its going out of style. I have my lab slip for CD 3 labs, an appointment for a follie scan and an order to expect more visits with the dildocam based on my labs through out my injects time frame. I have a wonderful friend who gave me some drugs for the cycle. Put the phone down, not illegal kind but fertility drugs. I feel like I was ment to cycle again, to deal with my fears, the unknowns. I know that God won't give me more then I can handle. I have ment so many wonderful ladies through my journey. I cry for/with these ladies; laugh with them and pray for them. Once again, I am back on the ttc train.

I told you so...

I truly just can not stand to hear about people having babies. Ok, strangers that I am "supposed to like" because we went to the same church when we were kids. Yeah. I don't care how many kids they have or how cute thier kids are, or how much some other person out there enjoys them. I don't want to hear about the "surprise" baby or the "baby we weren't planning on "trying for" for a few more months." Hello moron?! Have sex and you may get pregnant...actually since you are such a dumb fuck, you will get pregnant. Stupidity breeds, common sense is lost. Yikes!

Oh but then there is the whole "you don't have to be so bitter" issue. Excuse me? Come again? Don't tell me I do not have the right to be bitter. Damn straight I am bitter.


On a side note, this blog has taken me almost a week to type. I had awesome ewcm yesterday and I totally wanted to not babydance. Seriously people! I hate getting my hopes up. But shit, why did I have ewcm? I mean, I never get that on medicated, forced, I am really ttcing cycles so why now?! I actually had it for about 2 days and avoid sex on those days. My bad, yes but I hate getting my hopes up. I (being the horny woman I am) couldn't avoid it forever so I got greedy and enjoyed some hot monkey loving with my honey. I wanted to beg him to use a condom to further "prevent" but I hate condoms. :(


Emotionally, I was not expecting these feelings. I hate this. I hate giving up. I can not bank on an IVF study. I hate that I have to accept that I won't be having kids of my own. I dreamed the other night that Scott kicked me out and moved some "other" person into the house. I was angry and bitter and slept with "A." In my dream, I got pregnant and had to figure out who the daddy was. Yep, in my dream it was Scott and I hated that he still wanted to be with "other person" despite the fact that we were parents together. I have this dream alot. I kinda co-migles with the "Scott's cheating on me dream." I guess its my own insecurity and I try really hard to remind myself that it was just a nightmare. I know that. I hate it but still I know that its just a horrible nightmare that I must deal with and forget it when I wake up.


On a greater note, I am going to be pole dancing again. I am looking foward to getting in shape and getting my body back. Scott never really got "sexy Me" so I hope that I can get my sexy back and make him hot for me! ;)

Happy 2008!

We rang in the new years kinda early but had a wonderful night. I am so very glad to have such a wonderful man to share my new years. I am not making resolutions again. However I am looking forward to 2008 and moving on from the whole ttc fiasco. Ok, that's probably too strong of a word but anyways. My blog, my words! I hit a breaking point at dinner last night when a couple with a new baby sat next to us. My eyes got watery and my nose started that pre-cry burn. I took a few deep breaths and drank my drink a little bit faster. I know that I will never be able to totally avoid pregnant women and new babies. Scott volunteered to get us moved but I think I would have started really crying trying to explain to the restaurant staff why I wanted to move. And somehow, "cuz I am infertile you dumb fuck" doesn't seem very nice. LOL! I decided to make jokes at this couples expense about how he is probably not getting any, that's why he was so very flirtatious with the waitress. Probally totally wrong, but...my bad?! So for 2008, I am going to completely forget about trying. I am still contemplating preventing, but haven't come to a conclusive decision. At this point in time however, its still only 1/1/08 and my main goal is to have a problem free tax season, a great post tax season vacation and oh yeah...my 33rd birthday. Yikes! I am getting old...LOL!