That day is approaching

First of all, I want to smack my head on the wall for completely not participating in the IF blog about it week. I just could not bring myself to do it. (Side note: I can't even find the link on Stirrup Queens blog now!) I feel like talking about *my* infertility is like picking at a scab. It hurts, it bleeds and I know it is going to leave a scar and I don't like it one bit. But I need to also be honest. I am not sure that I will ever "get over it." I still cringe and cry inside when I hear fertile people baby announcements. I mentally puke in my mouth when I see or hear about teen moms. I avert my eyes to pregnant bellies. I am not sure that will ever change. Some days, I want to scream about how unfair it all is and why me oh God, why me!?! For me to actually participate would actually require that I look my infertility and failed cycles in the eye and face it head on. It seemed easier to bury my head in the sand; to close my eyes and say "I can't see you," nah nah nah! In denial much? Eh, maybe but more likely I feel a deep seeded need to protect myself, however selfish that sounds, from any more pain and frustration. Some days, I simply can't take it. The grief overwhelms me, chokes me and leaves me so down that I don't know if I can ever get up again. Reading about people who are getting to cycle turns me green with such jealously that I don't even recognize myself. Bitter much? Hell yeah. There is nothing I can do but "deal with it" and my way of dealing with it is to bury my head so deep in the sand that my God, I think my head is permanently suck there.

Back to the title at hand. Mother's day...the dreaded day for infertiles. Mother's day sucks but honestly, its not that bad. I mean, sure, it sucks big time that I am not and probably will never be a mom. But, there are no moms in my house. I don't go out and spend the day doing things (usually) so I can sit home and avoid mother's. I don't have some mother living in my house rubbing it in that she is a mom and I am not. Father's day on the other hand is so hard for me that I am not even a little bit looking forward to that day. But that is a blog post for another day. Mother's day is approaching and once again, I sit back and think about the "what-if's" and the "shoulda-coulda-woulda's." This year, I think mother's day will be a little bit hard because for a brief moment in time, I was a mommy. Now, I am just a mommy to an angel. No one ever acknowledges the miscarried angels or the angel mommies. Most people out there would say something along the lines of "that doesn't even count." Bastards! This year, I will sit and wonder about my little fishstick, who should be 2 months old now...not gone for 11 months and counting. And that just farking sucks!