This will be a post that I right over several days...at least I think.

The big day is approaching...the day that my ticker will change to one year. So not cool. I secretly think that...uh, thought that I was a mom by now. Ok, that wasn't really a secret.

I keep having this nightmare. I am in labor and I am 19 weeks along and I know my baby will die. No one believes me when I say that we have to do something. Everyone around me (including Scott) acts like they have something better to do. I try to put my baby back inside me and cross my legs but it doesn't work.

Since discovering my food allergies...and avoiding those foods, I have noticed this constant rash on my skin is slowly starting to go away. :) Sweet!

On the school front, well...its just there. I mean, I like what I am learning but the days aren't getting any shorter. Everyday I am just beat when I get home. Most nights I fall asleep right when my head hits the pillow so the nights that the ol' insomnia kicks in suck. I am also having such a hard time getting out of bed each morning which sucks big hairy monkey balls. I need, badly, to get back to the gym. My whole body just hurts from the complete lack of activity and my diet is just horrendous right now. Throw in some PMS and a sweet craving and my waist line is not happy.

I find myself being more open with infertility then ever. If asked, I explain why I can't have kids. When I get the usual "ass-vice" I shoot them down and let the "ass-vice" giver know why their "ass-vice" is wrong and why what they say hurts me. For example, I get a lot of "maybe you are just stressed out." My response is usually, "no, infertility is stressful but I am no more stressed out the the average jane doe. As a matter of fact, I am less stressed until people say to me that I am too stressed out." It takes people back but I feel like ignorance is just no excuse for one to be a dumb ass. My other favorite is "just relax, it will happen." This usually gets me beyond mad and my usual response is, "I can relax until I fall into a coma but with my bed eggs and massive scar tissue it is just not going to help." The bad eggs part usually makes people ask, "but how do you know they are?" I love this one! "My FSH is well over 7 and my E2 is usually over 50. When we did IVF, my embryos did not multiply properly, which is another sign of bad eggs. Of course, my antral follicle count is practically non-existent." The moron on the other end usually gets the "OMG, my head is about to explode" look on their face and then stammers something like, "well, you never know." Nice...

Ok, I was wrong! I was able to type up this entire blog post during my computer lab aka facebook time. The goal of computer lab is to make sure all students can type 35 wpm by the time they leave here. I think my classmates can but we are still required to be here. Blah!

Fear

I have a fear of putting food into my mouth. I have a fear of not taking allergy meds. I have a fear of hives. This blows!

The one where I wonder what I can eat

Since going back to school, I haven't been able to eat many home cooked meals. In an effort to eat healthy and save money, I have been buying pre-washed and pre-packaged veggies such as carrots, broccoli and tomatoes. I have been buying frozen edamame and pre-packaged cheese sticks. I have also been buying apples and applesauce and almonds. Well, after eating this diet for a few months, I started getting hives. I blamed it (the hives) on gluten, on corn, on potatoes and anxiety. I assumed that I was eating healthy and treating my body better then if I was eating fast foods.

Well, guess what?! After getting hives for months on end, I couldn't take it anymore. Off to the allergy doctor I go and under went allergy testing. 2 hours, scratch tests and double checking later and I have an allergy doctors assessment on potential causes of hives. Ready for it?! I am allergic to Almonds, Apples, Broccoli, Dairy, and String Beans. I am also Lactose, Soy and Wheat intolerant. Are you serious?! Let's not forget the cow dander that I am allergic too. (It actually amazes me there is a test for that!)

So, now I am navigating through the world of food allergies and finding out how hard it is to eat. I am reading food labels and trying to plan healthy meals. This sucks! Do you know how hard it is to eat when you can't have dairy or soy or wheat?! I love broccoli and apples and almonds.

That day is approaching

First of all, I want to smack my head on the wall for completely not participating in the IF blog about it week. I just could not bring myself to do it. (Side note: I can't even find the link on Stirrup Queens blog now!) I feel like talking about *my* infertility is like picking at a scab. It hurts, it bleeds and I know it is going to leave a scar and I don't like it one bit. But I need to also be honest. I am not sure that I will ever "get over it." I still cringe and cry inside when I hear fertile people baby announcements. I mentally puke in my mouth when I see or hear about teen moms. I avert my eyes to pregnant bellies. I am not sure that will ever change. Some days, I want to scream about how unfair it all is and why me oh God, why me!?! For me to actually participate would actually require that I look my infertility and failed cycles in the eye and face it head on. It seemed easier to bury my head in the sand; to close my eyes and say "I can't see you," nah nah nah! In denial much? Eh, maybe but more likely I feel a deep seeded need to protect myself, however selfish that sounds, from any more pain and frustration. Some days, I simply can't take it. The grief overwhelms me, chokes me and leaves me so down that I don't know if I can ever get up again. Reading about people who are getting to cycle turns me green with such jealously that I don't even recognize myself. Bitter much? Hell yeah. There is nothing I can do but "deal with it" and my way of dealing with it is to bury my head so deep in the sand that my God, I think my head is permanently suck there.

Back to the title at hand. Mother's day...the dreaded day for infertiles. Mother's day sucks but honestly, its not that bad. I mean, sure, it sucks big time that I am not and probably will never be a mom. But, there are no moms in my house. I don't go out and spend the day doing things (usually) so I can sit home and avoid mother's. I don't have some mother living in my house rubbing it in that she is a mom and I am not. Father's day on the other hand is so hard for me that I am not even a little bit looking forward to that day. But that is a blog post for another day. Mother's day is approaching and once again, I sit back and think about the "what-if's" and the "shoulda-coulda-woulda's." This year, I think mother's day will be a little bit hard because for a brief moment in time, I was a mommy. Now, I am just a mommy to an angel. No one ever acknowledges the miscarried angels or the angel mommies. Most people out there would say something along the lines of "that doesn't even count." Bastards! This year, I will sit and wonder about my little fishstick, who should be 2 months old now...not gone for 11 months and counting. And that just farking sucks!