2 posts in one day

I decided to post this separately for a reason.

"It was such a surprise pregnancy."
"I just 'fell' pregnant."
"We weren't even trying really..."
"We just stopped trying and then bam!"

I hate these phrases. As an infertile woman, these phrases irritate me to no end, especially when they are coming from a person who has no known fertility issues ("oh, we tried for 9 whole months and I never thought I would end up pregnant!") . These phrases ignite in me with the heat of a thousand suns an anger that I can't deal with on a rational level.

But, these phrases apply to me. What?!?! How can that be? I was told I had less then 1% chance of conceiving in any given month without the help of fertility treatments. I was advised to have my right ovary removed due to its complete inability to produce any eggs. My right fallopian tube is twisted and contorted and has pulled my right ovary so far underneath it that even if it did manage to produce a decent egg it would never make it to the tube. Yet someway, somehow I managed to pop one good egg from my right ovary, it made its way someway, somehow to fertilization and implanted. And now that embie is growing inside me and I am just in awe.

So those hated phrases that apply to me? I hope that if I ever use them, I don't become one of those types to use it. I hope to never offend a fellow IF'er if one of those phrases should ever escape my mouth.

Hello 2nd trimester!

Okay, I am a few days late but so very relieved to say hello to the second trimester. Midwife appointment yesterday was great. Still some confusion on my weight ( 3 scales, 3 different weights) but all in all I think its safe to say that I have gained about 3 lbs. (Of course, I have to remind myself that I had a good 10 lbs to much on me to begin with...) Uterus was measuring a little ahead but nothing to worry about. If the trend continues and baby grows along with the ute then my due date may change but for now, I am not even thinking about that.

Baby's heartrate was 148 BPM. Hearing that heartbeat was so awesome. I really need those little reassurances that munchkin is doing ok in there. After all, I can't just ask munchkin these days if heesh is okay.

The even better news is that I am almost done with school! This is just awesome. I talked to my midwife about the possibility of externing with her so I can at least get my 120 hours of M.A. out of the way. I still can't do my sticks until I get immunized. The head of the program went out of her way to point out how selfish it would be for me to skip my shots and work and expose baby to measles or mumps. (Or even worse, Hep. B!!) I agree but I also want to get my sticks done so I can began searching for a job.

I am in major nesting mode right now. I have made a list of essentials that need to be purchased. The clutter is my house is making me insane and I just want to get things cleared out so I can organizer what needs to be organized and trash what can be trashed. I have a "to-do" list of things I want to see done before the end of the year so that I can focus on my last month of work and getting baby gear set up for the grand arrival. It appears no one seems to get my urgency or understand how frustrating it is to see the same clutter in my house day after day. I want it gone...like last week. I keep saying once I am done with school that I am going to focus on getting my scrap booking stuff, school books and my closet organized. I need this to be done so I can feel a little bit accomplished.

NT Scan and coming out

I had my NT scan and 1st tri blood work last week. Baby was kicking away during the scan and even turned to face the "camera" too. Nuchal fold was measuring at 1.6MM and looked great. We got to the lobes of heesh's brain, a very beautiful heart beat, kicking legs, spine, belly and nasal bone. :) We also got to finally hear baby's heartbeat. Wow! That to me was just amazing. :) :)

I am starting to come out to people. Actually, my belly did not give me much of a choice. Every time I think I did a good job at hiding it, I look down and realize that nope...I really didn't. Ah well, I suppose its time. I am starting to feel better but my joints are killing me. Typing, writing, knee bending are just painful! I know that there is not a lot I can do to avoid the pain so I pretty much put up and shut up.

Only 8 more days of school left!! I am so excited. I miss coming home after work and enjoying dinner. Heck, I miss eating a meal that is not a roach coach meal. I miss actually watching a movie every now and then.

Stay tuned for the next belly shot. Not sure when I will take one. I was going to try to do it every week but that is just too much work.

12 Week Belly shot

A little bit about it

Wow! I can't believe how fast and how slow time seems to be moving. I am taking my pregnancy in baby steps. I made it past 5 weeks...check! I made to my first ultrasound and saw a beautiful heartbeat...check! I made to my 9 week appointment and got a sneak peak at munchkin. (and again saw that beautiful heartbeat)...check! My next step: making it to my NT scan.

I realized that I cannot refer to this baby as fish stick. No...fish stick is my angel in heaven. This baby is very much here with me right now. I keep call heesh* my little munchkin.

Symptom wise, I feel OK. My arthritis is bugging me more then usual, I am still rather tired but all is well. I get waves of gagging and nausea every now and then and my girls hurt like a mo-fo, especially when the shower water hits them. But really, that is not alot in the grand scheme of things.

I haven't really come out of the pregnancy closet yet. I keep saying after the NT scan we can. I am really enjoying this "secret" thought and don't want to start telling people, only to be bombarded with a$$vise and unwanted opinions. Surely, I can't be the only pregnant women to feel that way?! More than anything however, I hate hearing how surely since I relaxed, finally, I am now pregnant. Um...yeah no. It so doesn't work that way. That is such an insult to me that I want to donkey punch** people who say that nonsense.

I am also in complete protect mode. Like, I will rip your head off if you Mr. Stranger come just one itty bitty inch closer to me.

I have to admit, I feel a little lonely too. I mean, I don't have many IRL friends. The IRL friends I do have are either much older (being they were Scott's friends first) and done with the baby-making, baby raising deal or my "old" (think, pre-Scott) friends who are not now nor ever having kids or even considering it. I am thinking that soon, I will have to join a mom's group. I would love to meet ladies who fit our (Scott and I) demographic. Couple met "later" in life, big age difference between the two partners, one had kids and one is just starting out in the having babies department. I figure that I should not hold my breath but do know We as a couple are going to need friends with babies or about to have a baby much sooner than later.

I should add that I am not really that close to family. I can handle them in small spurts but that's about it. I wish my mother would stop asking me baby related questions and just ask about me for a change. This is only compounding my loneliness.

Aside from feeling lonely, I can't relax. I am so afraid something will go wrong. I keep telling my baby how much mommy loves heesh. I remind myself this happened all by itself with no medical intervention what-so-ever. I am pregnant for a reason and all things happen for a reason, even if we don't know why.

Toss in some survivors guilt and I am a mess. I hate that I still have online friends who are still trying. I hesitate to post messages on my usual message boards for fear that they will hurt. I don't want these ladies to continue to hurt.

*Heesh = He + She. A great way of referring to baby before you know the sex or the entire pregnancy if you choose not to find out the sex. Sounds so much better then he or she.

**Donkey punch: completely offensive, and no I won't explain it here if you have never hear of it. Yes, I too wonder why I know the meaning. But with my moods these day, it is a great threat and I love to use it.

One a final note, hippies, earth lovers, whatever you want to call them are killing me. If I hear one more person tell me that I should grasp my inner goddess or be like mother earth now that I am pregnant, yep...and donkey punch threat wants to come out. I have no inner goddess, have no intention of aligning my yin and yang (I am certain I did not come with those anyways) and absolutely don't see myself as beautiful right now. The only being inside me is my munchkin, the only thing I want aligned is my back and beauty is truly a light switch away. I mean no offense to those who believe in these things but *I* personally keep my feet on the ground, my belief in my god and my ability to make a baby in perspective.

9W5D Belly shot

I was getting ready for bed when Scott took this picture...I look as tired as I was that night. Ah well, maybe the next one I will look more rested.

April 2010

That was the last time I got a visit from Aunt Flo. I had myself convienced that I was menopausal. Afterall, what else could it be?! I know that I ovulated, or at least I was sure I did since I had my usually post-o signs. I figured it was time to POAS and was very, very surprised when within a few seconds I got "pregnant" on the digital pee-test screen.



Now, I don't have a history of getting and staying pregnant. I am scared as can be but taking it day by day. I love (ok, not love like lets get married I love you so much) the morning sickness that lasts all day. I love not being able to eat more then 5 bits of a meal before I feel full. The exhaustion and headaches? Bring it on!! I will take it all if it means I get a healthy baby come Feburary 2011.



Those on FB, keep in on the low since I have made the decision to not tell people beyond Scott, my mom and my classmates (oh yeah and LP friends) until I am "in the clear." I am thinking right after the first trimester, I will come out to the world.