People Piss ME Off!!

Word to the wise, never tell an infterile woman "wait until you have kids of your own." Uh hello dipshit! I have been waiting! I have been waiting for quite a while, thank you very much. Don't tell me if its gods will it will happen. Of course its his will. Last time I checked I still have a vagina. If I were not ment to have kids I would not have been given a vagina from birth. And for the love of Pete Sakes, please DO NOT tell me that it will happen someday if I would just relax. I am relaxed...that is until I hear some stupid comment out of your mouth about how I should just wait until I have kids of my own!!



To make matters worse, its only tuesday and my week has been crap! I left my atm card at the dry cleaners. When I went back to get it, they claimed they did not have it. So, I had to run to the ATM and use my credit union atm card to get cash to pay for my waxing. Normally not a problem, but since I had to use a different atm card then my credit union I got charged a fee. Did I mention that my IVF funds are being socked away into this account so its not like I have $$ to spare. Ack! Then, I tried on my pants this morning and they are huge on me. I swear last week they fit fine. So now, I am pretty sure that I am going to have to mail them back to Victoria's secret (along with the other pair I bought) and exchange them for a different size. I may just keep them and go for the whole "Calvin Klein Model" look. LOL!



I haven't had coffee in a few days and I am starting to feel dragy too. To top it off, I have to hear my mother say over and over how she "had" to go with my sister and nephew to LA and they have 100 excuses as to why they did not fly, blah, blah, blah. She said she did not want my sister to do it herself. Uh, yeah. How come she will help my siblings but when it comes to me, no go. And I really don't care to hear about my brothers "great" accomplishments and how he is going to "work for god." Whatever! Holy Smokes! She is telling the story again! ARGH!!!



I miss Scott. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. But, he is probally happy to not have me venting to him about this right now! LOL! I am been emailing him on a daily basis, filing him in on my day.

The good news is...

You're still unexplaned. My IVF co-ordinator called me today and has determined that I do not have PCOS. I have been diagnosed and undiagnosed with PCOS so many times now. She said to continue to take 1000 mg of metformin for now since it does seem to be helping with my weight issues and my testosterone. Wait?! I don't have PCOS but metformin (the wonder drug for PCOS'ers) is helping me with issues that commoningly plague those with PCOS?! Color me confused. I finally found out Scott's blood type (O+) and am relieved to find out that I am immune to chicken pox and german measels. Our infectious disease came back in the clear (no surprise really) and my hormone levels were fine. My fsh was a nice low 4.8. My lh was 4.2. My tsh was is the normal range as was my prolactin. The metformin must also be keeping that nice and low. In the past, it has gotten rather high. We are still "hurring up to wait" but I am relieved that we got the labs out of the way. I am still waiting on Scott's full s/a results.

Being "unexplained" just sucks though. I mean, if you have PCOS or endo, you know you have a problem. Sure, we have male factor issues but it seems like there are ways around it. My lining has never been too bad. I just don't get it.

On a side note, I did pretty good last night. Last night was truly my first night alone. I didn't sleep with all the lights on in the house. Of course I did sleep twisted into a pretzel and woke up horribly sore. I slathered ben-gay all over myself the help relax my sore muscles then took a hot shower.

23 mores days until the end of tax season!

I'm infertile, not stupid!

This is my 3rd tax season ttcing. See, I do taxes for a living and live my life based on tax season's. For example, tax season 2004, Scott and I started dating. In the "real world" that means that Scott and I started dating in 2005. Way back when I didn't want to consider a tax season baby. The longer I tried, the more I realized I didn't care. So you may ask, "whats that got to do with the price of enchilada's in July?" Well, this is also the first tax season that I have been letting my clients know that I am infertile. Now, it's not like I am shouting it out, catching them by surprise. It's in response to that dreaded question, "when do you plan on having kids?" I have tried to be nonchalant about my answer in the past but now I can't anymore. I want the whole world to be extremely well educated about infertility and the toll it takes on a women mentally as well as physically. My response is usually, "when I save up $15K for IVF." Once I get the "confused" look, I explain that after more then 2 years of trying, we have no rhyme or reason for not ending up pregnant. Our only hope if IVF.

On a side note, I have been trying really hard to save for IVF. I really want to apply for loans or credit card to pay for IVF. I know that is really irresponsible. But I want to be a mommy. I know that I will not be doing my children a favor by having debts that are out of my control.

I had a new client ask me if "I am qualified to do his taxes?" I wanted to answer "yes you dumb fuck, I am inferile, not stupid!!!" Instead, I explained my qualifications and proceeded to pick up a new client for my office.

Agian, I have to wonder about my posts. They seem so scattered. I used to be much better at writing. I guess when I am "blogging" my thoughts/ feelings I don't have to be "perfect."

Its just not fair, damnit!

I was going to blog about how much it hurts to read pregnancy blogs and blogs about people doing ART of sorts. For the laymen, ART stands for "Assisted Reproduction Technology." I am truly thrilled for my IF friends who are still trying and for those who are now pregnant. But, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I am jealous of those who have this great health coverage and can get IVF for a fraction of the cost. I am jealous of those who have an asset to borrow against to pay for IVF.



But then I logged onto lounge place. One of my fellow Ifer's who conceived through IVF was having some streaking/ spotting. Then, more bad news. She found out her baby boy was gone. I was in shock when I found out. Tears started to burn my eyes. She was due in 30 days. Her baby was ok, then he was dead. How could this happen? Why did fate/karma/god (pick your choice) do this to her? She was so close. I have checked a few times more for updates but nothing yet. I keep holding out hope that its some kind of mistake and she will give birth to a live, crying and healthy baby.



I know the risks associated with ART. I know that nothing is guaranteed and that a pregnancy does not equal a baby. I know that giving birth does not equal a live baby or healthy baby either. I know I am running out of hope that I can be called a mom.

This is a jumbled mess and I apologize to any readers. But I am sad and angry. I am running through a whole gamut of emotions today.

Say what?!

Scott and I had our IVF/ Egg Freezing Study consult today. We met with Dr. Mehta. She was very nice but sadly she is leaving the practice. She reviewed all of my medical records and what not. She then declared that we were most likely "unexplained." She looked at Scott's SA and said it's "not bad" but probably not bad enough to qualify for the study. She gave us some lab slips for blood work and a repeat SA for Scott. This SA will be more detailed and look at more then basic count, ect. She did a "baseline" ultrasound, but I am on cd7 so it wasn't very productive. It appears I have a cyst (I thought so due some odd pain I have been having) and a low antral (sp?) follie count. She mentioned DOR and how poor my lining looked. I wanted to say, "hello it's only day 7" but figured it wasn't going to change my lining any. My ovaries looked very un-poly cystic. But I do have a nice cyst on my right ovary. That news did not surprise me one bit. I have a slight achey feeling kinda like I am stiming right now. Hmmm....I wonder if all those times I thought I had good follies were wrong. I have never had a day 3 scan before. I wonder if we could have resolved my IF issues much sooner. Wonderful! Now we have to hurry up and wait.

I was a little disappointed too though. I was hoping the doctor would review my medical records and say Aha! This is why you're not pregnant yet. Alas, no cigar. I was also very surprised that neither Scott nor I had infectious disease testing. Actually, that's not what surprised me. What surprised me is that in California, you must have these tests done before you do and IUI or IVF. That's news to me. I was tested for my own peace of mind at the beginning of 2005. All my tests came back negative. I also have been tested for HIV numerous times due to my being a blood donor. The Red Cross is constantly calling me for my blood too!

Ok, I know this sounds very scatter-brained. I wanted to get this all out before the details got too fuzzy in my little taxed brain. Honey, if you read this blog, let me know if I missed something or am confusing something.

I am looking foward to tons of non-baby making sex. I pretty much have to let it go for now. It's in God's hand if I get accepted to the study or have a baby on my own. The DOR words scared me. But I have to accept that this is completely out of my hands. Wow...I used the "I" too many times. That should have read "It's in God's hands if WE get accepted to the study or have a baby on our own." Sometimes I feel so obsessed that I forget we (Scott and I) are in this together.

55 days left in the tax season!!

Do I need a reason to like it?

Today was one of those days...you know those days that you run into 5 pregnant people; those days you have to hear about someone else in your family who is pregnant; those days when people come into your office with their new born.

I think I almost rolled my eyes out of my head when my mother told me that my step cousin and his wife are expecting. Then, I got the "email." Oh yes, the "announcement" which I basically saw as a request for gifts. My real beef is this same couple did not send me a thank you note after I went to their out of town wedding and spent a decent amount on a wedding gift. But I will also have to admit that I am jealous. Oh yes, that little green monster is coming out again.

I also saw at least 5 pregnant women through out my day. Normally not a problem but I had to trample down the "menstrual aid" isle last night to buy some more pads and pass all the baby stuff on my way. I literally hid behind a box of pads and a bottle of soap to avoid looking at all that baby stuff. Ok, sometimes it is a problem to see pregnant women but I digress.

The Sharks lost again today...I lost count as to how many we have lost now. The trade deadline is approaching and I am curious to see what kind of moves the GM is going to make. I have heard some ugly rumor and I will totally cry if we do lose who we are rumored to trade.

I have been hoping the spell check would start to work again but still no luck. Again, forgive me for my typos; my laptop can't keep up with me.

55 days in the tax season...the count down has begun!

Twice in a day?!?!

What's the occasion? No special occasion really. I finally left the office after working longer then I wanted to, came home and took me a nap. I am still sad but its hard to stay sad all day when the sun is shining. I knew I should have gone on a walk and got me an ice cream cone! ;)

I am totally getting spoiled here! We put a tv in our room. I am usually opposed to having a tv in my bedroom but I am actually liking it. I think it helps that we don't turn on the tv and then fall asleep. Nothing can kill your sleep cycle then a really bad infor-mercial! I watched a little tv in the room so DSS could play with his video games.

I hear myself saying, "my child won't ____ or my kid will ___." I guess its really easy to feel this way when you really aren't parenting your own child. But I often find myself wondering if I would be a bad mommy. I mean, I was raised in a really strict household. But guess what?! It diddn't kill me. I would not be as strict as my own parents but I would totally have rules and I would enforce them. I often think that if Scott and I were to have kids and God forbid, we were to split, I would want him to parent our kid (or kids) with rules. I would want him to have extremely high expectations too. We were talking about this at work (during lunch) and how much easier it is to parent when both parents are on the same page. I found that the parents in my office aren't lax parents. I am amazed at how strict my boss is with his kids as well as my co-workers. By that, I mean that I am equally amazed that my co-workers are somewhat strict parents too, and have strong feeling on things such as missing school and doing chores. I am not talking abuse here, but rules and expectations. I wonder if I would be able to parent like that. I do want my kids to grow up and be resectful. I want my kids to do well in school (and not play hookey), participate in sports and maybe even play a musical instrument. I played 5 different instruments. I would be just pissed if my kids talked back. I would probally spank and/or revoke privledges. I am not talking about beating my kids and I will not debate on the whole "to spank or not to spank" issue. I can not tell you what I would or would not do, since I am not yet a parent.

So what got me on this topic. Hmmmm...I don't think I have a word for it. But I thought to myself, "is God thinking that I will be a bad mom so he doesn't want me to have kids?" I know that is such a ridiculous thought that I can't even believe I typed it, let alone thought it. I guess that word is "self doubt." Well, LOL! That's two words.

Ok, enough for now. My brain is taxed (lol! it's tax season) and I am ready for a break here. Please forgive my typo's. Blogger's spell check is not working. :(