Crying over the fish sticks!

Hello baby Robert Nesta!

2011-02-20T08:55:00.000-08:00

Brief announcement Scott sent out...

Although not the relaxed home birth we had envisioned... Because
Erin was past her due date, she went to have a routine ultrasound
and they determined that she had very little amniotic fluid... So
after consulting with our midwife, we ended up going to the
hospital for monitoring and possible induction... After
monitoring and discussions with the doctors and midwife for
several hours, we elected to have the baby delivered by C-section
at 12:01am today (2/19) at 9 pounds, 4 ounces... Mother and baby
are doing ok... Erin is in recovery and baby in the Neonatal
Intensive Care Unit (NICU) at Santa Clara Valley Medical Center
(receiving oxygen and fluids)... They will be there for several
days...

Pictures will follow soon. Please send continued good thoughts and prayers our way. Robbie is getting very stressed and tachy trying to nurse and breathe at the same time. I think once my milk comes in it will be easier and he will not have to work so hard for a few drops of liquid gold.

I've been a baaaddd blogger

2011-01-25T18:11:00.000-08:00

And I really have no excuse. Rather then trying to make an excuse or use the whole, "but I pregnant and tired" line, I am just going to admit it. Oh sure, I mean, I have had lots I wanted to blog about but just no real desire to get on here an blog.

2010 ended and 2011 started much the same. Calm, low key and happy to have this little munchkin kicking away inside me.

Right after the new year, I had my first of two baby showers. My friends and some family came to my house and we got to celebrate that very soon, baby boy will be here. The food, the guests and the gifts were all so wonderful and completely overwhelming (in a good way)! I loved sharing such a special day with so many awesome people in my life. The downside was that it was so big that I feel like I did not get to spend much time with each guest. Munchkin made out like crazy and this little boy will always know just how loved he really is by so many.

A week later, baby shower number two was at my sisters house with my bio-dad's family. It was much smaller but still so sweet to be surrounded by family, most of whom I haven't seen in over a decade. There is nothing like a baby to bring cousins close together. Although, I do have to thank Facebook for helping.

Last weekend, I sorted, washed and organized baby clothes. If Munchkin is over 10 pounds, he will be very naked. LOL!

So here I am, approaching my due date (check out my ticker on the top!!) and celebrating my birthday. I was really not prepared for my birthday this year. Oh sure, I can handle the ageing but know that Munchkin can make his grand appearance anytime now is just unbelievable. I am really hoping to make closer to his due date and not give birth anytime soon. I mean, I would like at least a full week for maternity leave so I can have some down time and more importantly, "me time" (or Me and Daddy time). These last two weeks of work have been pretty hard and even though I am working 1/2 days and leaving early, my entire being just wants to be home.

The good news is that Scott has installed the car seat and set up the co-sleeper. Our generous neighbor loaned us a glider and ottoman. Our clothe diaper order has been placed and Munchkin has enough clothes washed and put away for at least a week or two, depending on his size. I did not wash more than 3 newborn outfits and I am sure he won't be able to wear them long, if ever. Of course, I washed some because he just may be smaller the predicted. Now I have to assemble my birth kit, make sure we will have food for the midwives, write my thank you notes, prepare the donations for the drive by day and I am good to go. Whew! The list still sounds long.

A late meme to wrap up 2010

2011-01-03T19:42:00.000-08:00

Yeah...I know...it's late.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

I became a phlebotomy student and begin sticking needles in people's arms with kind of joy usually reserved for serial killers and masochists. I am neither but I loved learning new medical and laboratory procedures.

I took and passed my EKG exam and my Phlebotomy exam.

We got to see Anthony Bourdain live. Very cool!

I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and was able to actually stay pregnant. Actually, I still am pregnant.

I hired a midwife and educated myself on homebirth, cloth diapering, breast feeding, circumcision and vaccinating.

Scott and I (and some friends) went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. I have been to Mexico a few time but never to PV.

I purchased a couch...my first ever "big ticket" item for our home.

Whew! 2010 was quite a year.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't make New Year's resolutions because I think its just a good idea to strive to be a better person all the time. But one time, I made a resolution to always untie my shoes before I remove them. That was about 2 years or so ago and I am proud to say that I am still doing it.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A few of my IF friends gave birth. I was so very happy for these ladies and cried tears of joy for them.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thank the good Lord!

5. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

My EKG license and my phlebotomy license.

My son in arms.

6. What countries did you visit?

Mexico. I love Mexico and I am already looking forward to my next, although unplanned visit.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:

June 2, 2010: It was not only the one year suck-aversary of the loss of my little fishstick but the day I found out I was pregnant.

March 5, 2010: Scott and my 5 year anniversary. I am not a big celebrator of anniversaries unless they are "big" ones. To me, 5 years was a big one and we celebrated. Here is to another 500 years. ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Passing the National EKG and Phlebotomy exam.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't think I "failed" anything this year. At least, nothing sticks out in my mind as "Oh, that was such a failure" with the exception of my complete inability to maintain my weight where I want it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Let's no talk about that damned kidney stone...'nuff said.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Our new couch! A bliss and comfort. I love the recline feature and the cup holders.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

I just don't have an answer to this question. Moving on...

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Do I have to answer this? Can I plead the 5th?

14. Where did most of your money go?

Tuition and then medical expenses. Yeah, it seems like 2011 will be much of the same...OK not tuition but student loans.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Beyond finding out I am pregnant and actually staying pregnant? I am not sure much can top that.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

I don't know. Although I did get a new iPod Nano this year I don't think any one song on my iPod is standing out as the "song of 2010."

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Very, very much happier. I don’t think it even compares. (Stealing this answer because it is just so damn true for me too.)
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter but it's really all baby. :)
iii. richer or poorer? I am guessing poorer but richer in so many ways that does not include money.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Drinking booze. Kidding!! Nothing really. 2010 was really a great year.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eat less yummy food from the roach coach at school but damn all those Mexican dishes were hard to turn down when my belly was growling.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Well, Christmas 2010 is over and I can't even begin to predict Christmas 2011.

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.

It seems like every time a meme gets passed around the internet, it starts to lose questions.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?

With this little boy growing in my belly, on a daily basis.

23. How many one-night stands?

None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Probably, but why dwell on it? That takes too much energy.

26. What was the best book you read?

I am still ready Scarpetta and The Lost Symbol but so far they are both good books.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Down loading full soundtracks off iTunes. Sweeeeettt!

28. What did you want and get?

Yes and no. I mean I wanted a baby but I tried really hard in 2010 to focus on a new career and less on wanting kids. After all, we were done trying, right. So yeah, I got the baby but not the new career. But in the grand scheme of things, I have to say it was a damn good trade off.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Uh...I don't think I had one. Favorites and I don't go hand and hand.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I am thinking it was low key but everything I wanted it to be. Dinner and hockey? Dinner and a movie? Something along those lines.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Winning the lotto? Winning the Stanley Cup!!!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Scrubs and then anything that I could squeeze my pregnant self into followed by maternity clothes. Or any big clothes that covered my bump.

34. What kept you sane?

Scott, wine, chocolate and my midwife.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Anthony Bourdain. He was really into my bump.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

I was taught never to talk about politics or religion at the dinner table and since I am sitting where I ate my dinner I am not going to talk about politics...or religion.

37. Who did you miss?

No one. Thank you Facebook for making easy to not miss too many people. Really, I miss my Aunt Jenifer. Her death hit me way to hard and I miss her. She was such a freaking awesome Auntie to me and I know she would love Munchkin with all her heart.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

My IBT classmates. Can you networking?

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

Hives + Romantic vacation in Las Vegas = Pure hell.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"Here come the sun..."

Almost 29 week Belly Shot

2010-11-27T10:18:00.001-08:00

I had Scott take this photo just a few days before Thanksgiving and the 29 week mark. I think I look smaller then the 25 week belly shot. :)

25 Week Belly Shot

2010-11-24T21:50:00.000-08:00

A little old but it's one of my favorites. I will hopefully post a Thanksgiving belly shot soon. This Thanksgiving, I am so very thankful for my little man growing inside me. Kick away baby boy, grow healthy and strong!

Hello 3rd Trimester

2010-11-23T15:25:00.000-08:00

Where has time gone? I can remember being a child thinking that this holiday or that event was so far away. But now as an adult? It seems like time is flying. I can't believe that I am 2/3 through this pregnancy already. I must admit that my pregnancy has be fairly easy*.

My first trimester seemed to go by slowly, yet oddly quickly too. I wanted the first trimester to pass me by so I can tell people the goods news. I wanted it to fly by because I knew making through the first trimester meant I had a greater chance to making to the end with a live baby.

Then came the second trimester. The beginning of the second trimester was a little hard. The pregnancy symptoms almost went away but I had to wait for baby movements. I purchased a Doppler to listen to munchkins heart beat to keep my sanity. Then, somewhere around 17 weeks came those blessed little flutters that all mommies can't wait to feel. I was hooked! Even those sudden movements that feel like you are on the descent of a fast roller coaster and your tummy just fell are welcome.

As my belly grew and my son moved inside me, I made it to 24 weeks** more importantly viability.

5 weeks later (ok, I am shy by a day) and I am now in my 7th month of pregnancy and have already spent 2 weeks in my third trimester.

Summer passed us by which is funny because we really did not have that warm of a summer then fall showed up. We had some nice warm days but now as winter approaches (according to Dr. Google) and the year is coming to an end it seems like the year just passed us by at break neck speed.

So, hello 3rd trimester. Let's continue with the easy pregnancy. Let's agree to no preterm labor scares and keep discomfort at a minimum. Baby boy can bake as long as he wants as this Momma is enjoying life with him inside me.

*I loathe to mention the kidney stone that sent to me the ER and L&D a few weeks back. The pain so indescribable. The ER and L&D visit, while not pleasant wasn't too bad either. The morphine hangover sucked big hairy monkey balls.

**I know many doctors and NICU's are now saving babies born at 23 weeks. I am not sure on the statistics of survival but traditionally, 24 weeks in considered viability.

Holy smokes!!

2010-11-02T11:40:00.001-07:00

Check out my ticker on top: double digits until my due date. When did that happen?! Where is time going? I guess all the nesting is proof that before I know it, there will be a big arrival in my house!

Viability and some guilt

2010-10-23T22:20:00.000-07:00

First of all: Viability!! Hitting 24 weeks and feeling my son dance around inside me is such an awesome feeling. I love my son and can't wait to meet him. I am glad to know that should something happen and my baby needs to be born now, he has a 50% of survival. As much as I want to meet my baby, however, I do want him to keep cooking. I reassure him that his being in my belly is easy for me and I love feeling him inside me.

I have guilt about my lack of note taking for this pregnancy. I can't even remember really when I felt munchkin's first movements. I haven't been taking belly shots like I always assumed I would. But I am completely savoring this pregnancy. I just feel like living in the now and just enjoy my pregnancy.

Munchkin is doing great! He rolls around and kicks all the time. He does have his quite times and seems to be very predictable. My weight gain is right on track, despite the fact that I look "huge." I had a client go on and on about my weight gain and how huge I am getting and how I am ruining myself and "really should watch my weight" and "control myself." I really wanted to kick him or shove his head up his butt but restrained myself. Even when he said I looked like I "am about to pop," I kept my cool. However, I was mad. I get so tired of people commenting about on huge I look. Um, yeah. Hello, I am six months pregnant and I am healthy. I have always been curvy and had said over and over that I just don't have a waist. I am not going to get taller so the only way for my belly to go is out.

But, all the remarks can make a hormonal gal, already insecure, carrying body image issues freak out. I find myself saying, I don't need a snack, even if my belly is growling. I am limiting my intake and drinking extra water to fill my tummy and then feel bad that Munchkin isn't getting what he needs. I eat carrots and oranges a lot since I figure they are healthy snacks.

My oldest nephew is planning on coming home in time for birth. He is so excited and I feel so blessed that Munchkin will have his older cousins. :)

20 Week Belly Shot from Mexico

2010-10-03T15:19:00.001-07:00

Catching up

2010-10-03T14:02:00.001-07:00

I don't know why but I have wanted to blog for a while now and have even started a few posts but can't seem to put together a decent post. So, I am doing this in bullets in hopes that I can get everything out.

*First I will start with the big news! My gender and anatomy ultrasound revealed we are expecting a BOY!! I am so excited. I really felt from day one that I was pregnant with a boy and up until the day before the big ultrasound did not doubt that my little munchkin was going to be a boy. The night before the however, I was filled with self doubt and wondered if I was wrong about munchkins gender, did that mean I was doomed with bad instincts and therefore doomed to be a bad mommy?!

*Right after the big ultrasound*, we packed our bags and went to see Anthony Bourdain of the travel TV show, "No Reservations." The show is a great show and not one of those shows that show you all the luxury spots to travel and the finest places to eat. He talked a little about his travels and his family. After, he did a Q & A before autographing books for the people who bought VIP tickets. I am so glad I spent the extra money on VIP tickets. Seeing him up close and actually getting to shake his hand made him seem more like a normal guy and not some John Doe from some TV show.

*Right after seeing Anthony Bourdain**, we unpacked and repacked and off to Mexico we went. We stayed in a beautiful timeshare in Nuevo Vallarta. The view from our room was simply breath-taking. We spent time listening to timeshare sales people, swam a bit, visited a few towns, got massages, saw a show called "Rhythms of the Night" and ate way to much. Then out of the blue, I hit with Montezuma revenge. I missed a day snorkeling but was happy to bounce back quickly. We also did a city tour, visited a tequila plant and shopped some. Whew! I need a vacation just to recover from my vacation.

*I am still refreshing once a week at school. I am getting set to start my externship with my mid-wife and hope I can get my sticks done next year.

*I can't believe I am just past the halfway mark in the pregnancy!

*I feel so blessed to have my three nephews. I know they will be awesome cousins to my little boy and will love him so much.

*What happened to 2010? I mean, this year seems to be flying by and the holidays are right around the corner.

*Despite the fact that I halfway through my pregnancy, it seems to be going so slow. I am anxiously awaiting for 24 weeks (and viability) and am seriously going crazy waiting to meet my son.

*I love to say "my son." I think about him all the time now and already love him so very much.

*Prenatal yoga has been great for me. I wish that I would have been able to start sooner but I am glad to be taking classes now.

*Sleeping hurts. I mean, it really hurts. My hips and knees repeatedly ache and stiffen throughout the night and I completely miss sleeping on my back.

*I am getting tired of people remarking on my belly size. Guess what?! I am attached to it! I see it everyday, multiple times a day. I know just how pregnant I am and more importantly, just how many babies I am having (still just 1). Don't tell me I look like I am going to pop any day now or that my son must be huge (which to me implies fat). Yes, it's true that I have only 10 pounds and I am watching my diet not for weight gain but for my overall health. Yes, I know that I am huge. I am not in denial. I am 5 months pregnant. I don't comment on your fat a$$ or large belly or ugly face so stop with the rude remarks on my "huge" bump.

*Don't touch my belly. There is one person who can touch my belly without any question and that is my baby daddy. Of course, he can touch me whenever and where ever but he is obviously the exception to the rule. That's why he is my baby daddy.

*No I am not married, not sure that I will ever be married so stop asking me about matters that are way to personal and frankly none of your business.

*Yes, I still considered myself infertile. Yes, I still worry about this pregnancy. That is what happens when it takes you nearly five (you read that 5) years to conceive.

*When you ask how I am feeling and I say "ok," please don't ask me to elaborate. I hate explaining that while I love my son and being pregnant with him, sometimes the heartburn and difficultly sleeping means I am usually tired, achy or suffering from heartburn when I answer that question. Don't lecture me on how I "asked for it" or how much worse/harder it will get. Don't tell me to enjoy now because once my son is born, my life will completely change. I get it. I know my life will change but that does not make me want my son any less or love him any less.

*Please stop shooting looks of pity and sympathy in Scott's direction right in front of my face. I think he gets it too. Besides, we are both adults and knew what could have happened all those years we weren't preventing.

*Ok sorry but those last like 6 or 7 bullet points were more like rants. I really am trying not to complaining but I think people need to understand that no matter how much I want my son, it is not always puppy dogs and rainbows.

I think I did all my catching up! Whew!

*Not right after but a few days after...

**Ok , again, not right after but a within 24 hours. Can we say whirlwind weekend?!

Coming next?! My latest belly shot!!

2 posts in one day

2010-08-17T13:23:00.000-07:00

I decided to post this separately for a reason.

"It was such a surprise pregnancy."
"I just 'fell' pregnant."
"We weren't even trying really..."
"We just stopped trying and then bam!"

I hate these phrases. As an infertile woman, these phrases irritate me to no end, especially when they are coming from a person who has no known fertility issues ("oh, we tried for 9 whole months and I never thought I would end up pregnant!") . These phrases ignite in me with the heat of a thousand suns an anger that I can't deal with on a rational level.

But, these phrases apply to me. What?!?! How can that be? I was told I had less then 1% chance of conceiving in any given month without the help of fertility treatments. I was advised to have my right ovary removed due to its complete inability to produce any eggs. My right fallopian tube is twisted and contorted and has pulled my right ovary so far underneath it that even if it did manage to produce a decent egg it would never make it to the tube. Yet someway, somehow I managed to pop one good egg from my right ovary, it made its way someway, somehow to fertilization and implanted. And now that embie is growing inside me and I am just in awe.

So those hated phrases that apply to me? I hope that if I ever use them, I don't become one of those types to use it. I hope to never offend a fellow IF'er if one of those phrases should ever escape my mouth.

Hello 2nd trimester!

2010-08-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am a few days late but so very relieved to say hello to the second trimester. Midwife appointment yesterday was great. Still some confusion on my weight ( 3 scales, 3 different weights) but all in all I think its safe to say that I have gained about 3 lbs. (Of course, I have to remind myself that I had a good 10 lbs to much on me to begin with...) Uterus was measuring a little ahead but nothing to worry about. If the trend continues and baby grows along with the ute then my due date may change but for now, I am not even thinking about that.

Baby's heartrate was 148 BPM. Hearing that heartbeat was so awesome. I really need those little reassurances that munchkin is doing ok in there. After all, I can't just ask munchkin these days if heesh is okay.

The even better news is that I am almost done with school! This is just awesome. I talked to my midwife about the possibility of externing with her so I can at least get my 120 hours of M.A. out of the way. I still can't do my sticks until I get immunized. The head of the program went out of her way to point out how selfish it would be for me to skip my shots and work and expose baby to measles or mumps. (Or even worse, Hep. B!!) I agree but I also want to get my sticks done so I can began searching for a job.

I am in major nesting mode right now. I have made a list of essentials that need to be purchased. The clutter is my house is making me insane and I just want to get things cleared out so I can organizer what needs to be organized and trash what can be trashed. I have a "to-do" list of things I want to see done before the end of the year so that I can focus on my last month of work and getting baby gear set up for the grand arrival. It appears no one seems to get my urgency or understand how frustrating it is to see the same clutter in my house day after day. I want it gone...like last week. I keep saying once I am done with school that I am going to focus on getting my scrap booking stuff, school books and my closet organized. I need this to be done so I can feel a little bit accomplished.

NT Scan and coming out

2010-08-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

I had my NT scan and 1st tri blood work last week. Baby was kicking away during the scan and even turned to face the "camera" too. Nuchal fold was measuring at 1.6MM and looked great. We got to the lobes of heesh's brain, a very beautiful heart beat, kicking legs, spine, belly and nasal bone. :) We also got to finally hear baby's heartbeat. Wow! That to me was just amazing. :) :)

I am starting to come out to people. Actually, my belly did not give me much of a choice. Every time I think I did a good job at hiding it, I look down and realize that nope...I really didn't. Ah well, I suppose its time. I am starting to feel better but my joints are killing me. Typing, writing, knee bending are just painful! I know that there is not a lot I can do to avoid the pain so I pretty much put up and shut up.

Only 8 more days of school left!! I am so excited. I miss coming home after work and enjoying dinner. Heck, I miss eating a meal that is not a roach coach meal. I miss actually watching a movie every now and then.

Stay tuned for the next belly shot. Not sure when I will take one. I was going to try to do it every week but that is just too much work.

12 Week Belly shot

2010-08-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

A little bit about it

2010-07-19T12:35:00.000-07:00

Wow! I can't believe how fast and how slow time seems to be moving. I am taking my pregnancy in baby steps. I made it past 5 weeks...check! I made to my first ultrasound and saw a beautiful heartbeat...check! I made to my 9 week appointment and got a sneak peak at munchkin. (and again saw that beautiful heartbeat)...check! My next step: making it to my NT scan.

I realized that I cannot refer to this baby as fish stick. No...fish stick is my angel in heaven. This baby is very much here with me right now. I keep call heesh* my little munchkin.

Symptom wise, I feel OK. My arthritis is bugging me more then usual, I am still rather tired but all is well. I get waves of gagging and nausea every now and then and my girls hurt like a mo-fo, especially when the shower water hits them. But really, that is not alot in the grand scheme of things.

I haven't really come out of the pregnancy closet yet. I keep saying after the NT scan we can. I am really enjoying this "secret" thought and don't want to start telling people, only to be bombarded with a$$vise and unwanted opinions. Surely, I can't be the only pregnant women to feel that way?! More than anything however, I hate hearing how surely since I relaxed, finally, I am now pregnant. Um...yeah no. It so doesn't work that way. That is such an insult to me that I want to donkey punch** people who say that nonsense.

I am also in complete protect mode. Like, I will rip your head off if you Mr. Stranger come just one itty bitty inch closer to me.

I have to admit, I feel a little lonely too. I mean, I don't have many IRL friends. The IRL friends I do have are either much older (being they were Scott's friends first) and done with the baby-making, baby raising deal or my "old" (think, pre-Scott) friends who are not now nor ever having kids or even considering it. I am thinking that soon, I will have to join a mom's group. I would love to meet ladies who fit our (Scott and I) demographic. Couple met "later" in life, big age difference between the two partners, one had kids and one is just starting out in the having babies department. I figure that I should not hold my breath but do know We as a couple are going to need friends with babies or about to have a baby much sooner than later.

I should add that I am not really that close to family. I can handle them in small spurts but that's about it. I wish my mother would stop asking me baby related questions and just ask about me for a change. This is only compounding my loneliness.

Aside from feeling lonely, I can't relax. I am so afraid something will go wrong. I keep telling my baby how much mommy loves heesh. I remind myself this happened all by itself with no medical intervention what-so-ever. I am pregnant for a reason and all things happen for a reason, even if we don't know why.

Toss in some survivors guilt and I am a mess. I hate that I still have online friends who are still trying. I hesitate to post messages on my usual message boards for fear that they will hurt. I don't want these ladies to continue to hurt.

*Heesh = He + She. A great way of referring to baby before you know the sex or the entire pregnancy if you choose not to find out the sex. Sounds so much better then he or she.

**Donkey punch: completely offensive, and no I won't explain it here if you have never hear of it. Yes, I too wonder why I know the meaning. But with my moods these day, it is a great threat and I love to use it.

One a final note, hippies, earth lovers, whatever you want to call them are killing me. If I hear one more person tell me that I should grasp my inner goddess or be like mother earth now that I am pregnant, yep...and donkey punch threat wants to come out. I have no inner goddess, have no intention of aligning my yin and yang (I am certain I did not come with those anyways) and absolutely don't see myself as beautiful right now. The only being inside me is my munchkin, the only thing I want aligned is my back and beauty is truly a light switch away. I mean no offense to those who believe in these things but *I* personally keep my feet on the ground, my belief in my god and my ability to make a baby in perspective.

9W5D Belly shot

2010-07-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

I was getting ready for bed when Scott took this picture...I look as tired as I was that night. Ah well, maybe the next one I will look more rested.

April 2010

2010-06-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

That was the last time I got a visit from Aunt Flo. I had myself convienced that I was menopausal. Afterall, what else could it be?! I know that I ovulated, or at least I was sure I did since I had my usually post-o signs. I figured it was time to POAS and was very, very surprised when within a few seconds I got "pregnant" on the digital pee-test screen.

Now, I don't have a history of getting and staying pregnant. I am scared as can be but taking it day by day. I love (ok, not love like lets get married I love you so much) the morning sickness that lasts all day. I love not being able to eat more then 5 bits of a meal before I feel full. The exhaustion and headaches? Bring it on!! I will take it all if it means I get a healthy baby come Feburary 2011.

Those on FB, keep in on the low since I have made the decision to not tell people beyond Scott, my mom and my classmates (oh yeah and LP friends) until I am "in the clear." I am thinking right after the first trimester, I will come out to the world.

2010-05-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

This will be a post that I right over several days...at least I think.

The big day is approaching...the day that my ticker will change to one year. So not cool. I secretly think that...uh, thought that I was a mom by now. Ok, that wasn't really a secret.

I keep having this nightmare. I am in labor and I am 19 weeks along and I know my baby will die. No one believes me when I say that we have to do something. Everyone around me (including Scott) acts like they have something better to do. I try to put my baby back inside me and cross my legs but it doesn't work.

Since discovering my food allergies...and avoiding those foods, I have noticed this constant rash on my skin is slowly starting to go away. :) Sweet!

On the school front, well...its just there. I mean, I like what I am learning but the days aren't getting any shorter. Everyday I am just beat when I get home. Most nights I fall asleep right when my head hits the pillow so the nights that the ol' insomnia kicks in suck. I am also having such a hard time getting out of bed each morning which sucks big hairy monkey balls. I need, badly, to get back to the gym. My whole body just hurts from the complete lack of activity and my diet is just horrendous right now. Throw in some PMS and a sweet craving and my waist line is not happy.

I find myself being more open with infertility then ever. If asked, I explain why I can't have kids. When I get the usual "ass-vice" I shoot them down and let the "ass-vice" giver know why their "ass-vice" is wrong and why what they say hurts me. For example, I get a lot of "maybe you are just stressed out." My response is usually, "no, infertility is stressful but I am no more stressed out the the average jane doe. As a matter of fact, I am less stressed until people say to me that I am too stressed out." It takes people back but I feel like ignorance is just no excuse for one to be a dumb ass. My other favorite is "just relax, it will happen." This usually gets me beyond mad and my usual response is, "I can relax until I fall into a coma but with my bed eggs and massive scar tissue it is just not going to help." The bad eggs part usually makes people ask, "but how do you know they are?" I love this one! "My FSH is well over 7 and my E2 is usually over 50. When we did IVF, my embryos did not multiply properly, which is another sign of bad eggs. Of course, my antral follicle count is practically non-existent." The moron on the other end usually gets the "OMG, my head is about to explode" look on their face and then stammers something like, "well, you never know." Nice...

Ok, I was wrong! I was able to type up this entire blog post during my computer lab aka facebook time. The goal of computer lab is to make sure all students can type 35 wpm by the time they leave here. I think my classmates can but we are still required to be here. Blah!

Fear

2010-05-16T11:48:00.001-07:00

I have a fear of putting food into my mouth. I have a fear of not taking allergy meds. I have a fear of hives. This blows!

The one where I wonder what I can eat

2010-05-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

Since going back to school, I haven't been able to eat many home cooked meals. In an effort to eat healthy and save money, I have been buying pre-washed and pre-packaged veggies such as carrots, broccoli and tomatoes. I have been buying frozen edamame and pre-packaged cheese sticks. I have also been buying apples and applesauce and almonds. Well, after eating this diet for a few months, I started getting hives. I blamed it (the hives) on gluten, on corn, on potatoes and anxiety. I assumed that I was eating healthy and treating my body better then if I was eating fast foods.

Well, guess what?! After getting hives for months on end, I couldn't take it anymore. Off to the allergy doctor I go and under went allergy testing. 2 hours, scratch tests and double checking later and I have an allergy doctors assessment on potential causes of hives. Ready for it?! I am allergic to Almonds, Apples, Broccoli, Dairy, and String Beans. I am also Lactose, Soy and Wheat intolerant. Are you serious?! Let's not forget the cow dander that I am allergic too. (It actually amazes me there is a test for that!)

So, now I am navigating through the world of food allergies and finding out how hard it is to eat. I am reading food labels and trying to plan healthy meals. This sucks! Do you know how hard it is to eat when you can't have dairy or soy or wheat?! I love broccoli and apples and almonds.

That day is approaching

2010-05-05T16:36:00.000-07:00

First of all, I want to smack my head on the wall for completely not participating in the IF blog about it week. I just could not bring myself to do it. (Side note: I can't even find the link on Stirrup Queens blog now!) I feel like talking about *my* infertility is like picking at a scab. It hurts, it bleeds and I know it is going to leave a scar and I don't like it one bit. But I need to also be honest. I am not sure that I will ever "get over it." I still cringe and cry inside when I hear fertile people baby announcements. I mentally puke in my mouth when I see or hear about teen moms. I avert my eyes to pregnant bellies. I am not sure that will ever change. Some days, I want to scream about how unfair it all is and why me oh God, why me!?! For me to actually participate would actually require that I look my infertility and failed cycles in the eye and face it head on. It seemed easier to bury my head in the sand; to close my eyes and say "I can't see you," nah nah nah! In denial much? Eh, maybe but more likely I feel a deep seeded need to protect myself, however selfish that sounds, from any more pain and frustration. Some days, I simply can't take it. The grief overwhelms me, chokes me and leaves me so down that I don't know if I can ever get up again. Reading about people who are getting to cycle turns me green with such jealously that I don't even recognize myself. Bitter much? Hell yeah. There is nothing I can do but "deal with it" and my way of dealing with it is to bury my head so deep in the sand that my God, I think my head is permanently suck there.

Back to the title at hand. Mother's day...the dreaded day for infertiles. Mother's day sucks but honestly, its not that bad. I mean, sure, it sucks big time that I am not and probably will never be a mom. But, there are no moms in my house. I don't go out and spend the day doing things (usually) so I can sit home and avoid mother's. I don't have some mother living in my house rubbing it in that she is a mom and I am not. Father's day on the other hand is so hard for me that I am not even a little bit looking forward to that day. But that is a blog post for another day. Mother's day is approaching and once again, I sit back and think about the "what-if's" and the "shoulda-coulda-woulda's." This year, I think mother's day will be a little bit hard because for a brief moment in time, I was a mommy. Now, I am just a mommy to an angel. No one ever acknowledges the miscarried angels or the angel mommies. Most people out there would say something along the lines of "that doesn't even count." Bastards! This year, I will sit and wonder about my little fishstick, who should be 2 months old now...not gone for 11 months and counting. And that just farking sucks!

National Infertility Awareness Week

2010-04-24T11:34:00.000-07:00

April 24 - May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week. As you play with your kids today, or tuck them into bed tonight, please take a minute to empathize with the millions of couples out there struggling to achieve what you have.

I confess

2010-04-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

I confess that sometimes I open my blog just to see my ticker box.

I confess that sometimes I think about what should have been. Would my baby look like me? Would my baby be a cuddle bug?

I confess that sometimes I get pangs of jealously when I hear about other people's pregnancies or birth announcements.

I confess that some women who have children of their own make me want to kick them in the teeth when I hear just how horrible they are at mothering.

I confess that I sometimes am so very happy I never had kids of my own and I can pack up and go to Vegas without worrying about having to find a sitter.

I confess that all the conflicting emotions cause gas.

I confess that last sentence was TMI.

I confess that I want a new tattoo.

I confess that I secretly fantasize about never having to work ever again.

Hand Draws, Syringes and Big Girl Panties

2010-04-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

Just a drive by post to pat myself on the back for wearing my big girl panties this week, while home alone. :P

I did my first hand draw this week. I was somewhat nervous but did just fine. The guy who "forced me"* to draw him claimed it was painless and our new instructor said I did great.

I also did my first syringe draw this week. I have been drawn once or twice with a syringe but got to try it out. It hurts a little more as they needles are quite sharp but really effective for veins that collapse.

I can't believe how much I have learned. I have got to run ESR's and learned uses for different tubes.

This past week, our new instructor let me do a butterfly** on him and I was finally successful! I have missed even the biggest, juiciest veins with the butterfly's but can seem to hit them with a straight stick every time.

*Fellow student didn't really force me but made me very aware that I need to get my hand draws in while I can. He claimed he owed me for doing his taxes.

**The butterfly method of drawing is also called the lazy man's method. It is supposed to be easier but for whatever reason, I just can't seem to get the hang of it.

I need to add that I am so proud of my 4.0 too!

I just got off the phone with a client. He wanted to know if the cost of IVF was deductible. I talked to him about it some and found out we used the same clinic. It is a small world after all!

All of a sudden, I feel my age

2010-03-20T14:58:00.000-07:00

Lately, after I have been sitting for some time (5 minutes to 1 hour, makes no difference), my left knee hurts. It hurts to put pressure on it, hurts to bend it, and hurts to straighten it. After a few hobbling steps, I can walk without a limp and only minor pain. Surely this is a sign that arthritis has invaded this knee. :(

After wearing heels for a day at work (read: sitting at a desk) my feet hurt! I mean seriously, they are in major pain. I feel like I still have my heels on. Granted, I wasn't wearing my most comfortable heels yesterday but they aren't too bad.

My back...oh my aching back. Accountants seem to get the "accountants hump." It is what happens When you sit in front of a computer all day with your neck pushed forward, leaving your upper back and in between your shoulder blades is pain. Add in sleeping all twisted up and you get extra sore.

I don't sleep well when I am stressed out and the more tired I am, the more stressed I am. It's a viscous circle, I tell ya.

Put stressed plus achy knee plus sore feet plus screaming back pain plus sheer exhaustion together and what do you get? A person who feels their age!

Ok, that is my whine for the day.

It's only been 100 years or so!

2010-03-17T10:11:00.001-07:00

Life has been busy...and hectic!

Tax season is again in full swing and I am going to school full time. Needless to say, I am tired. But I am also at a point where I hate my job. I hate the stress, the constant phone calls, the "I want it now!" attitude from clients and the complete lack of satisfaction I get from doing this job. In a nutshell: I am burnt out!

School is great. We start drawing blood from each other right from the start. I have about 1 stick a day which is a good start. I have missed a few veins here and there but need to remind myself it will happen in the real world too. There are many different methods of drawing blood but I prefer the "straight stick" over the butterfly. We also do urine tests and blood smears. I have a large fear of cutting myself while doing a blood smear (here is a you tube demo for the non-squeamish). I have remind myself that I am wearing gloves and using my own damn blood! I have some good classmates and some not so good classmates. It's funny to hear people complaining about how much homework we have or how hard the tests are. I want to tell these people that this is the medical field and we need to be informed and educated. I want to explain that we are in a competition with other students, not just at our school but other schools too. An employer is going to hire the smartest, hardest working person. But I keep my mouth shut since I am sure they have heard it all before.

There are a few grads who have yet to obtain an externship. These grads are complaining they are being looked over. They don't get it that all those missed classes, failed lab tests, non-participation and lack of completed homework assignments are hurting them.

On the TTC front...well there is no TTC news. We are not trying and I am oddly happy about that. I could not imagine having a new baby and going to school. I can't imagine how much more tired I would be going to school, work and being pregnant all at once. I still get jealous pangs and still wish it would just happen but I need to keep my feet grounded and live in the real world. I guess some things just are not meant to be and I need to deal with that. My dear LP friend made this for us facing that reality. :)

Sharks hockey isn't so hot lately but I am keeping the faith. I recently got back into scrap booking and hope to share some pages I made soon.

Scott and I just celebrated our 5 year anniversary. It was a bitter sweet day in that I love him and am so happy we have had 5 years together and look forward to the future. But, it was also my due date. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little fish stick. But all in all, it was a wonderful day.

Phones are ringing off the hook so back to the grind for me. I am hoping to catch up on my blogs and get some commenting in soon.

Luck of the Irish to ya'll. Drink a green beer or at least wear some green today.

School, work, life

2010-02-07T16:38:00.000-08:00

So week one down and lots to go.

Let's start with tax season, week one: Already stressed, tired and sick of clients. I hate the current tax law changes and wonder what our fine governator is doing with our tax dollars. I am tired of constantly repeating myself to my co-workers and hate the tension within my office. But, it's a job and I just can't complain.

Now onto school: I have one week under by belt and so far so good. I have enjoyed my class so far and have learned alot. I am excited about a potential career change.

Life is ok. I am sitting here watching super bowl commercials. My team hasn't been in the super bowl since the 90's. I am nursing a migraine and feel like crap. I have a test to study for and I am thinking of going to work. Ah...at least it will be quiet.

Guest Blogger #1

2010-01-18T10:08:00.001-08:00

Sherry at "What a Shame About Me" is Guest Blogger #1. I am so excited she said Yes to guest blogging for me. So, withoout further ado, here is her post:

I was invited by Em to be a guest blogger. It is an honor to be asked. Thank you, Em! Coming up with something that's actually interesting for her readers that are not familiar with me is a tall order. I am not a particularly interesting person. I will give it my best shot!

My husband and I have been actively ttc since January 2006. All in all, I cannot believe we've made it through this muck four years. It's been a very trying time, as anyone who's gone through it knows. I've met some of the greatest ladies I could ever hope to meet during this time. I got to know Em on a couple of different boards. She's always been such an inspiration and strong support for me. I am very grateful for that.

I have moved three times since starting ttc. I have hoped each time that my baby would be born in the respective town. It hasn't happened yet. We moved from Oklahoma to Alabama last summer. In many ways, I like it better here, but it's hard to get used to all the tradition here. People are so set in their ways. It's reflective of the way they were brought up, and I can respect that. Pleasing these people, on the other hand, is very hard even when I do what they want, they always want something more. People. They're the worst.

Since starting ttc, I have learned a lot about myself. I've changed in many ways. I used to have a bad complexion. Once I started Metformin my face cleared up and I actually started caring about myself and how I looked. It was a confidence booster. I started taking more pride in myself and the way I looked.

If I hadn't gone through infertility, I would have been one of those people. I would have been the cocky know-it-all fertile who would gladly spout off the same idioms the obliviots tell us and that we all hate. Infertility has brought me down a few notches and also made me more cognizant of others' feelings and situations. Too bad not everyone has the same mentality. Otherwise, the world would be a much better place.

Once again, thank you Em for inviting me to be a guest blogger. It was an honor.

Guest Bloggers

2010-01-18T10:07:00.001-08:00

Since I am starting school tonight and have mentioned before that I do taxes, I have asked a few of my fellow blogger's to guest blog for me. If you are interested, let me know. I am always open to adding some life to my blog.

2010-01-09T22:09:00.000-08:00

It’s Interview With Aunt Becky time! Answer my questions on your own blog, grab my button, and come back, leave a comment and let me know that you did the Interview. IF you do not have a blog, feel free the interview in the comments.

1) Dave and I have a long-standing feud over cheese in a can. He thinks it’s food of The Gods while I think it’s probably Of The Devil. Your take?

*Cheese in a can should be illegal. No really...

2) Is there any way you can think of to make the elder Gosselins go away? I AM ALL EARS.

*Make them sell Sham-wow! Who really watches those commercials in the age of the tivo/dvr?

3) Who is your ridiculous “I can’t admit this to anyone in polite company lest I be banned from life” crush?

*Dwayne "the rock" Johnson. No...Really...

4) If you could fuck it all and pursue your dream (assuming, of course, you were going to be GOOD at it), what would that dream be?

*Be a mommy...Or be a RE

5) They say “living well is the best revenge.” I think they are wrong. Do you?

*Um...Shit yeah. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

6) What is the most humiliation you’ve experienced in public that you’d be willing to admit to The Internet?

Well there is the whole mexican allen story. I can't tell you now but I will tell it soon.

7) Are you honest with The Internet? Like, if I came over to your house tonight (heh)(I’m coming over, yo)(heh) would I be surprised at who I found?

no...unless you think I am neater then I make myself out to be...

8 ) If you could have one talent that you don’t currently possess, what would it be?

I would be able to walk gracefully without tripping over my own two feet.

9) There’s not always room for Jello. Is there?

No. Not after a big steak dinner.

10) What’s your guiltiest of the guilty pleasures?

Tattoo's. No really. Or body piercings.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2010-01-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

Let's start off with the good:

The new year started off with a holiday get together at our house with my step-dad's family. To be honest, I was kinda worried since they are super-conservative. Why is that a problem you may ask? Well, lets start off with the pole set up in my bar area. I tend to say "but it's structural support" but lets face it, that is not very believable. Next, lets add the copious amounts of booze in their various bottles sitting out on my kitchen counter. (Let's NOT talk about why they aren't in my bar.) My step-dad's family does not drink. All in all however, it was a great night and worth the trouble to see the whole fam dam again.

Now, the Bad:

I did something, not sure what to my neck. I am tired of my current job and wish I could stay home and sleep. Ok, I don't even need to sleep but I hate coming to work everyday. Hopefully, going back to school will remedy this problem. As for my neck, I think I may need to see my chiropractor for that problem.

Finally, the Ugly:

The little green monster keeps showing up. You know the guy....Jealously. I wish I could say that I am ok watching people cycle. I wish I could say, I am so over my desire to have a child of my own but I am not. I wish that right now, I knew where my future was going and I can say that I am ok living child free but I just can't. I see babies everywhere I go and I ache to have one of my own.

New Ink and New Year

2009-12-27T19:21:00.000-08:00

While ttc'ing, I felt it was prudent to put off doing new things. Oh sure, I would go on vacations and what not but never made a "big life" decision. Yeah, I bought a new car and to be perfectly honest, it is not a "kid friendly" car but always told myself that if MY children destroyed MY car, that I would be ok with it. Trust me, this is going somewhere.

You see, I am one (or was one) class away from finishing my college degree. I never finished for a few reason but the reason I had the most trouble explaining was this: "it's the principle, man." See, once I got mixed up with my ex, I took the classes he took. Honestly, if it weren't for me, that jacka$$ would have never made it out of college. After about of year of business classes (and extreme discouragement from my mother*), I was only taking business courses. Now, don't get me wrong, but I did like the math and economic courses and did good in those classes. But that is not what I wanted to do when I grew up. I even started off my college career taking classes in subject matters that I was interested in and could see myself focusing on when I grew up.

*Really, that is another blog post all together and requires far more energy that I have at this time.

Anyways, I do have a point...I promise. While ttc'ing, I also researched and really considered going back to school. My thoughts always went like this: "if I go back to school now, I will get pregnant." So, I never did it...never went back to school. Four years later and I realized that I am never going to get this time back; I am not going to get any younger. I am going back to school to study what I want to study!!! I did it!!! I made a decision, I actually followed through and I am going back to school right after the new year.

Sure, it will be tough, my time will be stretched thin and I will be tired and poor as hell and I don't mind. I will be studying here, enrolled in the "Phlebotomy, EKG Technician and Lab Assistant" program. Not totally what I want to do when I grow up but close and more importantly, it will get my foot in the door in the medical field. Once there, I can study more lab techniques and possibly get into the EMT field with time.

Now, onto that new ink I mentioned. Despite the fact that I was "only" five weeks along when I miscarried my little Fishstick, it was painful. I think everyday of my baby that wasn't. I get so sad when I think about where I should be in my pregnancy. So, in remembrance of my Fishstick, I got new ink. Without further ado, here is it!

This photo was taken about 5 minutes post tattoo. My tattoo artist Pete, is not only Hungarian, world famous (at least in Europe) but kick a$$ too. Case in point, I showed him a picture that I saved to my crackberry. He glanced at it for about 10 seconds, smoked a cig and then drew out my tattoo. I knew what to expect and what I envisioned but he did much more then I anticipated. This tattoo looks 20x's better then I imagined it looking. (For the record, it still looked nice in my little mind. It's the shading that looks fucking amazing!!) I also had Pete re-pierce my belly since I had to take the ring out for one of my laps. It wasn't fully shut but nonetheless, not the best feeling to have the ring put back.

**I know this is a whale tail and not a fish (or fishstick) but I could not find a tattoo of a fish that I wanted stuck on me. When we were in Alaska, we saw some Humpback's and I felt a sense of peace. I knew, in my heart and soul that I wanted to remember my baby with a whale. I stuck with the whale tail to keep it small and simple. I have my new tattoo on my inside of my left wrist, not really hidden by my watch but in a spot that felt so right.

They Say

2009-12-11T10:24:00.000-08:00

Who are "They?" You know the saying, "They say blah blah blah..." My question is, "Who are They?" Gary Larson, creator of the "Far Side" once drew a comic strip showing a room full of people all listening in on people's phone conversations. All the phones were labeled "They." Somehow, it doesn't sound funny when I describe it but if you were to see the comic strip, it would make you chuckle.

"They" say that more people commit suicide around the holidays and I can see why. (Don't worry, I am not falling off the deep end and planning my suicide!) Let's start with the music. Holiday music is great but I can only handle so much before I want to jam an ice pick in my ears.

And the drivers! I was walking through a parking lot to hit up Old Navy. I intentionally parked as far as possible to say my car doors from being dinged and to avoid fighting 10 cars for 1 close up spot. While walking towards the store, I saw one lady speeding through the parking lot. If she hit someone, it would be ugly. Another guy was parking spot stalking* and driving so dang slow. I would have screamed if I was in the car behind him.

Then there is the sales. How do I know if I am getting the best deal? How do I know if this is what I really want to purchase?

And please for the love of Pete Sakes don't get me started on the whole "happy holidays" vs the "Merry Christmas" debate. I won't even touch that one with a ten foot pole!

Up next? My new ink... ;)

* Parking lot stalking: the act of following a person around a parking lot hoping to get their spot in a crowded parking lot. Stalkers look for people walking away from the mall/store with shopping bags. Some stalkers even offer customers rides to their car just to get their spot. I have never done that. Never ever!

And now for something new

2009-12-09T20:41:00.000-08:00

I need new. A new what? I don't know, but I am tired of the doom and gloom of my blog. I used to be happy. I want to be happy again...like I used to be.* More then anything, I want to be "me" again. I am not sure what that means since I am living in this limbo of "how do I live childless" and "what if?"**

So, how about something different. First of all, this is hopefully the last time until tax season hits full force that I am going to apologize for my lack of commenting. I read a lot of blogs...I mean a lot. And I read them daily. <--I just love my bad grammar sometimes! I just don't comment. It's not that I have no comment because usually I do. I just get lazy. Not to mention that many a nights I am reading blogs while watching hockey and tend to let the train of thought leave before I can comment. It's like a win-lose situation. There is also of course my embarrassment over my lousy ass grammar considering I graduated from college with honors in English and math. Are you serious?! I can't blog without making at least 10 typos and 100 grammar mistakes. But, back to my commenting. I am going to make an effort to comment more. I love reading so many of the blogs I read and I do feel the need to comment.

Now, how about that something new? Does anyone read this blog? Awesome blog! I actually read all the contributors blogs too and each of them are amazing. I highly recommend adding these blogs to your reading list.

*I used to be happier. I used to have a real zeal for life, even if that life was childless. It's not that I am totally unhappy but I really feel like my life is incomplete.

**Sorry to be cryptic but where there is a will there is a way. That is all I can say for now. More to come for certain (hey at least one something will cum!***) but I need to wait for details.

***Is it possible to be broke down there or use up all your O's? Are you given an allotment at birth and if you use them up in your youth, well too bad, so bad?! Weeps...

I am thankful for many things but

2009-11-24T13:56:00.000-08:00

my miscarriage. There is just no way in hell that I will ever be thankful for that event. I can't even believe that I having my first major holiday, complete with face stuffing dinners, without a big pregnant belly. I would be 5 months along for the Thanksgiving holiday and festivities. This is about when I would want to tell Scott's kids that they are getting another sibling.

I would even be thankful if IVF #2 worked. So I wouldn't have the baby bump I so crave to show off but I would be thankful. I would thank the good Lord for my blessings.

I am so thankful for my wonderful family and friends.

Fight for Preemies

2009-11-16T18:08:00.001-08:00

I found out about participating in this event from another blogger. I felt compelled to join this cause. I was a preemie; not a micro-preemie but I was a preemie. I have stopped wondering if my being a preemie caused me to be infertile.

But, back to the cause at hand. Too many babies are born too soon. Too many parents suffer, watching and waiting while their new born is in the NICU. Too many parents leave the hospital with out their babies. Some babies are left in the hospital where new parents sit next to an incubator, praying their baby gets to come home. Other's leave the hospital with no baby, only to go home to plan a funeral.

I admit, I don't know what it is like to be pregnant, or give birth to a preemie. I can't fathom what my own mother must have felt as once again one of her babies came to soon. I know that any mother who gives birth to a preemie once dreads doing so again. I know my own mother did not want to leave the hospital while one of her babies was staying behind.

While struggling with infertility for the last four years, I always feared that I too may one day give birth to a preemie. It is a fate, almost a double whammy that I would not wish upon any woman. I know that every mother with a preemie struggles to understand just what went wrong and why their baby was born to soon. I know many preemie mothers curse and damn their bodies for failing their baby.

Today is a day to remember the struggle each preemie baby and family must endure. Keep these babies and families in your thoughts and prayers.

Fight For Preemies // Bloggers Unite

2009-11-13T15:24:00.001-08:00

Fight For Preemies // Bloggers Unite

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4 Long Years

2009-11-13T11:29:00.000-08:00

4 years ago today, I started trying for a baby.

11 clomid cycles, 1 clomid/fsh cycle, 4 fsh cycles, 5 IUI's, 2 fresh cycle IVF's and 1 FET and all I have to show for it is an early miscarriage. Blah! I am sad that I even have this anniversary. I mean seriously, TTC took a chunk of my heart and piece of my sanity but I would gladly give it up if it meant a baby at the end.

Things you can do in four years:

1. start and complete high school
2. start and complete a bachelors degree in college
3. plant a fruit bearing tree and get fruit from it
4. buy a new car and have it almost paid off
5. meet a wonderful group of ladies that are part of the same elite club that you are a part of too.

I wanted to say thank you once again to the wonderful bloggers who have shown me so much support. Please know that if I know what your blog is, I do read it on a regular basis. I am really bad at commenting but I do read your blogs and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I have decided that I am going to keep blogging. I think with time it will help me deal with all the emotions that comes with living childless. I will still travel and promise to share photos of my travels. I may even have a non-ttc blog post or two. ;)

Beating the Dead Horse

2009-11-05T14:35:00.000-08:00

I am angry...God, I am so angry. This was supposed to have a happy ending. Sorry universe, but me not becoming a mommy is not a happy ending in my book. I want to scream. I have this pent up anger and there is just nothing I can do with it. I just can not deal with it.

The four year of trying mark is a week away and I can't even think about that day without a rage coming over me.

These past few weeks, I have be self medicating to numb the pain. Every night, I sit on the couch with a drink in hand and wait for the earth to open up and swallow me whole. Don't lecture me...I come from a family of alcoholics and I am not going to sit here and make excuses for myself. But damn it, the just sucks! I have a feeling that I haven't even dealt with my grief fully and that I have a lot of anger and pain still to come.

I was talking to a friend of mine and he said, "do you ever think there was something deep inside making a barrier to you actually conceiving?" I do admit that I had doubts, lots of doubts but I knew that ultimately, everything would work out in the end. But, what person doesn't have doubts in their mind? I mean, making any major life changing decision is bound to make you have some kind of doubts, right? I likened his question to the "self fulfilling prophesy" belief and all of sudden I am wondering if maybe, just maybe he is right? I mean, what if my fears and doubts are the very reason why I am not pregnant? What if, just what if, I jinxed myself?

Urgh! I hate this. I wish I knew for sure why *I* got the IF card. I mean, beyond the whole "you got bad eggs (as confirmed for me by my RE)," beyond the whole "you waited to long" and my favorite "maybe it is Scott" arguments and really find out who I pissed off in the universe so much so that I ended up being infertile.

I know, I know...poor me. I feel I need to have a pity party. Yes, I feel like this is unfair. As I shake my fist at the universe and stomp my feet, I am tossing myself a pity party; complete with beer and a fine whine.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Bullshit! I know that IF won't kill me but what about a broken heart? I am having a hard time with the fact that holidays are coming up and I will have to pretend again to be happy. I will have to pretend that everything is ok, while crying on the inside. I will have to pretend that I am "over it." Well guess what universe?!?! I am so not over it and I sure as hell won't be over it anytime soon. I am not ready to go out there and pretend. I have had to do it a few times and all the while I was screaming inside. How am I supposed to pretend and deal with this anger? I would not go so far as to say it is an uncontrollable anger but I am quite sure that the longer it simmers, the harder is will be to control.

I feel so alone in my grief. I want to shake people by and beg them to grieve with me. I can feel myself slipping into a deep despair and I just don't know what to do. I am trying to convince myself to get back to the gym, back to dancing, to laughing and that eventual happiness will come. It just seems so far away; so out of my grasp. My anger (and rage) scare me right now. I am afraid I will lash out at the wrong person or say something that I won't be able to take back. I am scared that I will hurt the feelings of someone, loved or otherwise.

Award Time

2009-11-04T16:43:00.000-08:00

Thanks Sherry!

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award. List their blog and link to it.

2. Share "10 Honest Things" about yourself.

3. Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.

4. Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

"10 Honest Things About Me:"

1. I am infertile.

2. I have no favorite anything but use the saying "my favorite" all the time. And it annoys me.

3. I have horrible time pronouncing certain words and as a result don't use a lot of words that I know because I can't pronounce them.

4. I sometimes wonder if I was adopted or switched at birth.

5. I have about 90 cousins on my dad's side of the family and can't name most of them. As a matter of fact, I have never even met most of them...and we all live within a few hours of each other.

6. I have a really good memory when it comes time to really odd things. And numbers too.

7. I was an extra in a movie.

8. I am afraid of ghosts and extra terrestrials and all things I perceive as evil.

9. I love to give people gifts and love to watch them rip open the wrapping paper.

10. I miss my grandpa and wish my grandma never had her stroke so I can have my old grandma back.

Ok, I promise that I will come back and nominate some lucky winners.

Florida Vacation

2009-10-28T13:27:00.001-07:00

After the craziness of October (and the October 15th tax filing deadline), I was more then ready for a vacation. I knew once AF showed that needed to get away from my life or risk going mad. Luckily, we had planned to take a vacation! Saturday morning could not come soon enough and once we boarded the plane, I could feel tax season tension leaving my body but I couldn't shake the "my IVF failed" tension completely.

We did have a blast in Florida though. We had a nice time share close to Scott's mom's house and used her car for the week. Score! No rental car fees for us.

First tourist stop? Disney World! It was not a great as it seems like it should be but I bet if I were 4 again, Disney World would be awesome. But we still have fun and I got to do things I never got to do on my previous visit to the Magic Kingdom.

Day two and we hit up the Animal Kingdom. Holy Smokes! That place is amazing. To add to my excitement on Day two I got to meet a fellow blogger and IF message board friend Barb! This made my trip. I was really bummed it wasn't a longer visit but I am now certain that more trips to Florida are in my future. Woot!

We spent a day hanging with various friends/ previous co-workers of Scott's and then on Thursday went to the Space Center. It is neat but some of it seems to technical for kids to enjoy. Of course, that is my opinion but I would still recommend going at least once.

Friday we lounged some, went to a great hot dog place in Tampa (clearly there is a story behind this) and went to Hard Rock Cafe inside the Universal Studios. We also noticed a Bob Marley restaurant but did not go inside.

By Saturday morning, I was ready to head home, even if it meant a long plane ride. With stops in North Carolina and Denver, it seemed like we were on the plane forever.

I also came home to a treat: Hungarian Goulash and Spiced Rum and Egg nog. OMG...YUM!!!

Now I am trying to get back into "normal" life. I had a long conversation with my Gyno about my failed cycle and what to do now. For starters, he took me off Metformin with the caveat that I watch my weight, carb/ sugar intake and get retested in 6 months or so to see how my blood sugars are doing. He also talked some about donor embies/ donor eggs. It felt pretty good to talk some but I am not quiet ready for my post IVF consult.

A few people here and there have noticed that I seem off but one day at a time...right?

It's the end of the world as we know it

2009-10-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

and I feel fine. No, actually I don't feel fine. I am not even close to feeling fine. I never thought this IVF was going to fail. I don't just mean fail but really tanked. It wasn't supposed to happen like that...this cycle was supposed to work damn it! Now what?!

I have to admit that I am putting on quite the show. I don't think that even once any outsider has noticed that I am truly dying inside. The tears have stopped falling...at least in front of people. I appears to be "over it" and "ready to move on." But inside, right under the surface I feel like I am stuck in a dark place, waiting for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

I am trying to figure out the answer to "what's next?" I know I want a career change in a big way. I know that I will never worry about birth control or having sex at the right time. I am even wondering if I am going to keep track of my period these days. I never kept track before...my body always gave me enough warning. So....what's next?

Over the Top

2009-10-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

Sherry nominated me for this and I can't wait to fill it out!

1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers!
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have fun!

Now onto the fun stuff:

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Your hair? ponytail
3. Your mother? home
4. Your father? cars
5. Your favorite food? mexican
6. Your dream last night? angry
7. Your favorite drink? beer
8. Your dream/goal? baby
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? exercise
11. Your fear? electrocution
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? parents
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? fertile
15. Muffins? top
16. Wish list item? fertility
17. Where did you grow up? California
18. Last thing you did? read
19. What are you wearing? sweats
20. Your TV? big
21. Your pets? RIP
22. Friends? loyal
23. Your life? vida
24. Your mood? irritated
25. Missing someone? no
26. Vehicle? honda
27. Something you’re not wearing? watch
28. Your favorite store? Express
29. Your favorite color? black
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? last night
32. Your best friend? rocks
33. One place that I go to over and over? store
34. One person who emails me regularly? family
35. Favorite place to eat? home

I will come back later to nominate some blogger for this fun award.

The call that never came

2009-10-10T18:58:00.000-07:00

Right after ER, we were told by my RE that my right ovary had no eggs in any of the nine follies. To say I was devastated would be an understatement at best. I went home and told myself that maybe they were wrong. I waited and waited for a call from my clinic; a call saying guess what? We were wrong and we really did get some eggs from your right ovary. Sadly, that call never came.

Say what?

2009-10-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

What?!?!

I had someone recently ask me, "why did you choose to have your embryos transferred instead of implanted?" My response, "I like a good challenge and figured I would do it the hard way." Insert loud sigh and eye roll here please.

For the love of Pete Sakes* people, no man or woman can "implant" an embryo. If that were the case, IVF would have a much higher success rate and no infertile women would try other methods of conceiving a child. You can however have embryos transferred into your uterus and from there God, mother nature or whomever/whatever you believe in will choose. Implant or don't implant.

I wish the media would get their terminology correct. It is stories like the Octo-Mom or the Mom with the wrong embie that make fertility treatments seem like a joke. Ok, maybe not a joke but it is a blow to those of us trying to have a baby by using IVF. I think by sensationalizing how these women were "implanted" with embryos, those us doing IVF are treated like we did something wrong. We did not have our embies implanted, therefore we don't want it as bad as the Octo-mom. And if you have some "educated" (read: know it all) talking to you about your IVF, they don't want to be informed that they have it all wrong. You can't choose the best eggs only, you can't add more drugs after your ER reveals one ovary did not give you any eggs and you don't get the option to do anything special to make sure every embie you do get is perfect. Finally, by questioning if I (or other women doing IVF) have looked into all the options and know "for sure" that I am doing the best that I can do isn't going to change the outcome. You don't walk into IVF blind and no, the Octo-moms doctor is not the right doctor for me. She got lucky, the doctor did not do anything other then over transferring embies into her, to improve her chances for success. And, yes, I am sure that I got my embies and yes, I am sure my eggs were fertilized with Scott's sperm.

I don't believe for one minute that a women chooses IVF over sex for conception intentionally. I will skip the whole "but I want to be a single mom" people here since clearly that is different bird of another feather. Seriously, I don't ever recall waking up one morning and thinking to myself "damn, IVF sounds fun. I will save up my pretty pennies and then fork over $15K for a procedure that has a 35% chance of working for me, because I think IVF is groovy and I want to be part of the cool club." Instead, I hoped and prayed that I too can get pregnant from sex, just like they said happens in high school, and can fore go the painfully expensive, emotional and physically stressful and sometimes painful procedure called IVF. But nooooo, damn my infertile body for refusing to cooperate.

*Yes, I know...I got that saying all wrong. Before you lecture me on my terminology being wrong, let me say I just admitted to having the saying wrong. But, I have been saying it that way for so long now that I am not sure I will ever say it the right way. Besides, "for the love of Pete Sakes" versus "confusion between transferred/ implanted" is not the same.

2 Day Transfer

2009-10-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

Transferred in 4 zygotes. I had a 2 celled with 2% fragmention, grade Z3. I have a 3 celled with 5% frag., graded Z2 (doc thinks this is the best). I had 2 four celled both with less then 5% frag. Only one was graded at a Z3. The Z is the grading stands for zygote and all 2 days are graded by my clinic this way. Z1 is the best and he said they see those less then once per month. Most pregnancies for my clinic occur with Z2 and Z3. The ungraded 4 cell I had the egg was slightly misshapen but can still lead to a normal pregnancy and healthy baby. I have about 7% chance of triplets or higher. They did assisted hatching on 2 of the 4 embies.

Boy, that's cut and dry. But that's how I feel right now. My heart just hurts that this is my last chance, my hail Mary if you will.

What I am about to write next is something that I can't even bring myself to say out loud. This may offend some people and for that I am sorry.

This cycle has me completely questioning my faith in God. My God. I am not religious per say but I do believe in God. I do believe that I need to have faith in God. As with every cycle, I prayed. Please God, let this cycle be easy, let me get enough eggs and find that perfect egg that will be my baby. Please God, I am not being greedy and asking for more then one baby. With that said, this cycle started off great. I had (for me) a record high antral follicle count. I stimmed perfectly and my E2 rose as it should. My lining was nice and thick, "triple lining." My follies grew evenly and everything appeared to be in order. Even my RE was expecting at least 10 to 12 eggs from me. Again, a record. I thought my prayers had been answered. Imagine our surprise when he (the RE) comes back into the room post ER and tells me there was not a single egg from my right ovary. This is usually my lazy ovary and surprised us by having 9 follicles. Not one egg came from those 9 follicles. WTF?! My left ovary had 6 follies, which for me is average and produced 6 eggs. I needed those 6 eggs to be perfect. After bursting into tears, I said a small mental prayer (not the first for this cycle). Please God, I prayed, let those 6 eggs be good ones. Let them all fertilize. So, when my RE called me one day post ER, I knew it was bad news. Sure enough, the eggs weren't great. One was totally abnormal. One was misshapen. One was immature and allowed two sperm to fertilize it. More WTF?!?! I was saddened beyond words to hear that I was now scheduled for a 2 day transfer.

Once again, I prayed. Please God, by day 2 let the embies be perfect. I promise to put them all back in me and take my chances if you let them all be perfect. I guess, I should hope that the embies I put back into me are perfect. I don't know. All I know is that my faith is shaken and that scares me more then I can put into words.

Once more, I pray, Please God, let this cycle work. Give me my turn. I just want one healthy baby to raise and love. I don't care if I have a boy or a girl. Please don't shake my faith more then it already is shaken. I just don't know if I can handle that. I just don't know if I can handle another failure. I just don't know that I am willing to make another sacrifice and live child free. I am afraid of who or what I will turn into if this cycle fails. Please God, let me have my chance to be a mommy.

No time for catchy tittles...

2009-09-28T14:40:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes people just have to make decisions to distance them from the things that make them hurt so much. I think at least for my sanity, I need to start focusing on something besides ttc/kids or I'll end up in an institution or lose the love of my life, so this is one way that will help me. I need to focus on all the blessings in my life and not the one thing that tortures me so much these days. We all know how hard it is (no matter what we say) to be happy for everyone else having babies when we don't have one ourselves. It really, really, really hurts to no end. I sometimes cry for hours on end and my heart literally hurts."

Not my words but sums up my weekend, my life so perfectly. Now about those blessings...

The Pre-ER fears

2009-09-26T17:45:00.001-07:00

As I sit here and type this, I am afraid. I know this is normal and I recall this fear last cycle. I am afraid that I will ovulate before ER. I am afraid that I will go to my appointment tomorrow and I will get bad news. I am afraid of finding out there is a lead follie and the rest stopped growing. I am afraid I won't make it to ER. Of course, once ER is done, I am afraid that my eggs won't fertilize or that we will need ICSI. I am afraid that even the ones that do fertilize won't grow. Most importantly, I am afraid that my IVF won't work. I know that every women undergoing IVF feel this way. I know this is a common fear. I know that I am not alone but I sure do feel that way.

Not I just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Battle!

2009-09-24T16:22:00.001-07:00

I seem to be battling something again. It feels like more then allergies but less then a cold...kinda like a sinus issue. All I know is I feel like blah! Blah with a capital B.

I haven't blogged much about this IVF cycle or even created a ticker. I really want this cycle to go by quickly, but I also want to work. I was talking to my chiropractor about this sense of false self-assuredness that I have going right now. I have convinced myself that I am ok if this IVF does not work. Now, I can tell you without a doubt that that is a huge ass lie. Huge! I know that not being a mom won't kill me but the sadness could very well do me in. I also feel really alone this cycle...no one on the boards in cycling with me this time around. The rash of newly pregnant women has me excited and somewhat jealous all at once. I don't feel like I have anyone to share my news with now, especially since I can no long post IVF updates on facebook. I want to be open to people about my infertility struggles but I don't know how to do so. I am not embarrassed nor ashamed of my infertility but the raw emotions that my inability to easily conceive bubble up to the surface every time I try to mention it. Tears start to burn the back of my eyes and I just want to shake me people and tell them what I want them to say to me. I know that I cannot dictate people but I just don't think I can handle one more "just relax" or "if it is meant to be, it will happen." I don't want people to brush it aside, but instead feel the very pain and discomfort that infertility makes me feel. I want people to understand really what it is like to walk a mile (hell, even a half mile) in my shoes. I don't want my feelings to be brushed aside or seen as overly apathetic. Instead, I want to be seen as a women, struggling to be a mom who cries real tears month after month as I await my turn. The four year mark of trying to have a baby is rapidly approaching and damn it when will it finally be my turn?

Deep down, I know that I am scared. I have this fear of falling off the deep end, into a deep, undeniable depression. I am afraid of what may become of me if I fail to conceive. I, ironically have this fear of conceiving a girl baby and passing the shit luck known as infertility down onto her. This burden is not something I want to pass on to my child. I wonder if this fear is keeping me from conceiving but realize that is not likely.

Tomorrow is ultrasound day (gotta love that dildo-cam) and I will have a better idea of what we are working with and what kind of time frames. I am always slightly reassured after each visit knowing a small portion of the battle has been fought.

IVF #2...and we're off

2009-09-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was baseline day and it was great. I am thinking acupuncture is doing something because I had a record number of follies: 6 on the right and 9 on the left. That is huge...for me. The plan is to start with large doses of FHS and add HMG to the mix. Should be interesting since I have never done HMG before.

Other then battling a cold and gearing up for the 3rd big deadline of the tax year, nothing new is happening. My house is still in shambles but we are making some progress. I have big dreams of sitting in my house knowing that it is finished.

I did a tax return for a former co-workers daughter. Her daughter is nice and extremely beautiful. This gal (the daughter), well lets just call her Mrs. P and Mr. Ex had some interesting runs ins in the past. I always wondered what transpired between these two. Fast forward to the future and she marries a jack ass who beat the crap out of her. I apparently am the poster child for women who need their taxes prepared after their asshat ex's beat them. She came in to meet with me and I was dying to ask just what really happened between her and Mr. Ex. See, Mrs. P is the apple of her mom's eye and it would kill her mother to know that Mrs. P had an relations what so ever with a man who was not single. Heaven forbid, right?! But we (Mrs. P and I) got to talking and I forgot really just how much I liked her. I figured, the past is the past and I have moved on so rather then bring it up I let it go. I am at peace with that decision but I really wanted to say to her something along the lines of "you really did not do much better with your ex then with mine, did ya?!" So bad...I know. But see, there is more to this story. A while back I posted how my former co-worker thought for sure Mrs. P and her hubby would be popping out babies with no problems. Well, they tried and tried and no luck. After hearing this story, as well as how Mrs. P asshat ex hubby beat her up, I said "maybe it did not happen for a reason."

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

I hate it when people tell me that. I hate with the heat of 10,000,000 suns. And I just said like a fucking insensitive fertile. I don't know if deep down I was trying to hurt her feelings or what. But really, after those words left my mouth, I felt like a huge bitch. Seriously, I felt hurt for her but WAIT...there's more. She totally agreed with me. She acted relieve that I felt that way, as if we could read each others thoughts. I could see this sense of relief, this sense of "oh, she's not judging me by my infertility" wash over her face. I wanted to hug her and hit her all at once. She truly believed that her being unable to conceive did happen for a reason...and that reason is one day her ex would beat her up. Gah!!!

Sometimes it's hard to come up with a title

2009-09-10T11:48:00.000-07:00

I have been in quite the funk lately. I know its the hormones, added to the stress of IVF and toss in the "OMG, this is my last shot at becoming a mother" and it all equals funk.

I have been wanting to blog...but did not want sound like a broken record, repeating myself over and over again. I have decided to write a few "reviews" if you will about everyday things in my life.

Lets start with my new workout class, "Get on the Ball." It is a class that utilizes those big balance balls seen at gyms all across the nation. Ever wonder what they are really for or how to use them properly? Well, this class teaches you techniques on using the ball and how to get the best work out. I have attended one class and I can feel the burn...and lots of pain. Not sure I buy the whole "no pain, no gain" theory.

My second (and favorite) work out class is "Turbo Kick." Our instructor makes this class fun. I try to do Turbo at least twice a week. It is mainly cardio, interlaced with lots of interval training.

Here is a product review: Margarita-ville Frozen Concoction Maker. I am not typically a fan of blender drinks but this new kitchen toy can make anyone a fan. You pour in the ingredients, add ice, turn on the switch and within minutes you have the perfect margarita (or daiquiri, slider, ect).

Ok, enough with the reviews. Let's talk about this health care plan. I am all for health care for every citizen and not just shit care but great health care. I feel that as a payer of health care, there should be a free and competitive market for health care. I am not sure that "universal" health care is the fix but I agree that it is so damned expensive. With that said, I would really like someone to explain to me just how much this health care plan is going to cost and who is going to pay for it. Will we, the citizens pay for it through taxes? Will those who currently pay for health care pay more to cover those who can't afford health care? A Revenue committee did a study and found that the taxpayer in the 28% tax bracket could expect their tax bracket to increase to 45% just to cover the cost of the current idea being tossed around. I know that I can not afford a tax increase of 17% and can say that many people can't either. So, if they are not going to raise taxes to pay for the universal health care, then were will that money come from? This worries me more then I would like to worry about it and I am not comfortable with the current answers out there.

Well, that got deep.

Whatever Floats Your Boat

2009-08-25T18:19:00.001-07:00

Back from a week long cruise and finally have my land legs back, and now I am on the IVF crazy train.

First things first, the cruise. We (Scott and his family) took a week long cruise to Alaska. While I would not recommend NCL for a cruise, but Alaska is beautiful! We stopped in Skagway, Juneau and Ketchikan. We also stopped in Prince Ruppert, Canada. Nothing too exciting there but it was nice to say that I walked in Canada. Canada, eh?!

I really thought I would have a lot more to say about this cruise but amazingly, I don't. Odd.

I am been in a real funk lately. I know it is directly related to my upcoming IVF. This is my last chance. My last chance of getting pregnant. My last chance to have a child of my own. I won't hold out hope that I can be one of those women who get their miracle after all this time of trying.

Ok, add the IVF funk to the fact that once again my house is a mess and it makes for a grumpy and funky me. I need to get my booty back to the gym and get those endorphins pumping. Then, do a serious shopping trip so I can finish up Scott's birthday shopping. After that, I need to take a can of whip ass out and whip this house clean. Ok, cleaning does not make me feel better but chilling in a clean house sure does. Gosh, I wonder how long it will be before the boys get it that I expect them to clean their bathroom. Maybe I should do it myself and put the rugs back and the rug on top of the toilet seat. Muuuuuhhahahahaha!

BFN

2009-08-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

I am not sure how I am holding up. I had a few moments of sadness and threatend tears but no crying yet. I sorta viewed my FET like a IUI. I went into my FET, esp. after finding out that 1 out the 3 survived with caution. I knew it could work but I also kept in m mind that it may not work.

Onto IVF #2. Wow...whoda thunk it?

Sad day for hockey fans

2009-08-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

Hockey fans today got the heart breaking news that Jeremy Roenick retired. He will be missed. I would write a long commentary about him but to be honest real tears will flow from my eyes.

Inspiration Award

2009-08-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

Sherry at My3Doggies nominated me for this award. First of all, I would like to give a big hug and thank you to Sherry. I believe she is such a wonderful person and feel her blog deserves this award. Every time I read her blog, I smile with her, cry for her and wish I knew her in real life. Sherry, thank you!

I am going to pass this award onto the Infertility Warrior, Barb at Fertility Challanged in Fl. and Dee at I'm Not Ashamed. I am not linking these blogs to respect their privacy. These ladies are wonderful bloggers, wonderful people and great inspirations.

Hee, bet you were all expecting a FET update. I don't have one. ET went fine, transferred one 3day 8 celled embryo. Now in the dreaded 2WW until my beta. I want to know either way since we are going on a cruise a few days after my beta. I don't know how I feel I right now. I alternate between thinking positive, not thinking about it at all to thinking completely negative.

Red Red Wine oh and Now Accepting Applications

2009-07-25T18:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am not drinking wine, red or otherwise but listening to the song. Last night Scott and I went to see Booney James and Fourplay in concert. Fourplay was good and I like their music. Booney James was just not my cup of tea. I am sure if you like saxophone and jazz music, Booney James is your man. But me...eh, I can take it or leave it. Mostly, leave it.

That leads me to what I really was planning to blog about. My blogging lately has been about my IVF, then my miscarriage, then my FET. I would like to liven up my blog. I am thinking it's time for a guest blogger. Any takers? Let me know in a comment. No rules other then make it fun (or snarky, venty, whatever!).

Almost sold

2009-07-24T13:34:00.000-07:00

This week while at my acupuncture appointment, my acu lady noticed that I am congested. I mentioned the yes, I have allergies and lots of congestion. She put a needle in my hand and explained it was for allergies. Wow! I have had 2 fulls days now where my congestion is almost non-existent. Sweet!

I swear the wait to FET has been a long one. But, in just under a week, my little embies will be back inside me. I am hoping that all 3 survive but I will take what I can get.

Since I am trying to eat lunch, I am just going to post with bullets the random shit that I was going to post. I can skip the nice paragraphs!

WTF?!? Is hockey season ever going to start?
WTF?!? Is this year flying by or is it just me?
Holy smokes...I must start shopping for Scott's birthday gift(s) ASAP!
Construction boys are back...already I am obsessing over the finger prints.
I do NOT have OCD...not matter what FB says!
Nancy's POAS post got me thinking. Will I POAS this time around?
Maybe I should post a survey on my blog.
Sweet!!! I am wearing size 6 jeans from Express. I bet I could have bought the 4's...they do stretch.
I have been feeling like a 2 left footed person lately...can I blame the estrogen?
Seriously, my Hip Hop Hustle class could be called "Burn those Calories!"
I need to catch up on my blog commenting and will do so soon...I hope.

Tonight Scott and I are going to a concert. Fun times!

FET Update

2009-07-16T14:17:00.001-07:00

Yes! I finally have a FET update. I never thought this day would come. I sat, giddy at my desk yesterday, waiting for today's appointment.

Here's the low down: lining is measuring at 8.5. Dr. P said that is great for where I am at in my cycle. He even smiled today and did the little leg pat he does to reassure his patients. He can be very stoic and seem put off by working with patients but he is a nice guy. He just takes a little while to warm up. I got my labs done and signed my consent form. Now, I have to remember to get Scott to sign it so I can mail it back to the clinic. Sigh!

And we're off

2009-07-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

Today I start the estrogen patches. Unlike my fresh IVF cycle, I won't be making tickers for my FET cycle. At least not yet.

Another Safe Haven Gone

2009-07-07T11:01:00.000-07:00

As an infertile woman, there aren't a lot of place to go or people to talk to who truly understand the fear, anger and pain of infertility. That is of course until I found safe haven #1.

My little message board was a place filled with all kinds of women, fertile and infertile alike. We bitter infertile had our own little space to vent, cry, complain and be as bitter as we wanted to be. I loved our little space and vented many a times about things that I won't even blog about. Then we found out that lurkers were reading on our safe little board and they didn't not like what they read. They resented our anger and bitterness. Our once private board was opened up and all our so called dirty laundry got aired. Now to be fair the person who was the original lurker loves drama and had been in the center of a few firestorms. So, it was not surprising to me that once again she was fueling a fire. Things were said, the air was clear and our safe little message board is back to normal.

Facebook was safe haven #2 for me. I could post IVF updates and chat with my fellow IF'ers. That is until I started getting friend requests. Not just any friend requests, but friend requests from the group of people with whom Scott and I associate. See, I wouldn't quite call the people is this group a friend. I mean, I surly wouldn't be able to count on them in my time of need; I barely even know them. I made some changes to my profile, removed my blog link and accepted these friend requests. I mean, what's it gonna hurt, right?

But now I feel like I have to sensor myself. I have posted less then usual on my little message board for fear that my bitterness and anger my scare or offend someone. I don't want to post IVF or FET updates on Facebook now. Gaa!

4th of July

2009-07-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

Independence day. The day as a little kid I would wait for, knowing that it was halfway (in my little kid mind) to Christmas. Now as an adult, I am sitting here thinking "where did the first half of the year go?!" It seems like the year started with all the gusto that comes with each new year, celebrations that make you feel a little older and then the part of the year that I call "tax season" quickly follows. While I had tax season to occupy my mind, I still anxiously awaited the start of my IVF cycle. This is the first year since Scott and I started dating that we did not take a post tax season vacation. But I digress. My IVF cycle seemed to encompass my life and my mind and before I knew it, I was in the dreaded 2 week waiting.

My dear friend from message board land just got a bfn in her first IVF cycle. I cried tears for her, as if it were me who got the bfn. Having been through 3 and half years of soul crushing, gut wrenching bfns, I know all to well the pain of a bfn. However, after spending your life fortune on IVF, a bfn is much harder to swallow. It seems shocking to me that while we (meaning doctors and science) can do the necessary steps for IVF, it hasn't been perfected. Just proof to me that man really isn't a God...but sure likes to play one. I am not sure what is worse...a bfn at the end of an IVF cycle or losing your baby at the end of and IVF cycle. Personally, I know that I had frozen embies and paid for a FET cycle. For me, it would have been easier for my first IVF to end in a bfn. I was prepared for that. I was not prepared for a miscarriage. No one can prepare for that, even knowing that my numbers were going down and I was going to miscarry, I carried around this hope that it was a mistake. I carried around a hope that my baby was being ornery and that my next beta would show perfectly doubling numbers. But alas, that was a misguided hope that made no sense.

Here is it July and by checking my FET calender on my side bar, I know that I am closer to starting estrogen to prepare my uterus for my embies. I am nervous. What if's are running through my mind. Irrational or not, I can't stop worrying.

Happy 4th of July! Today as America celebrate its Independence Day with bar-b-ques and fire works, I will sit here and hope and pray for my fellow infertile sisters out there. One day too, I hope that I will have a child soo looking forward to the holiday that is the half way mark to Christmas.

Acupuncture and Anger

2009-07-01T10:56:00.000-07:00

It's July! Where did time go? It feels like the process of building up to the FET is taking a long time. Everyday, I inject myself with lupron and wonder if it will be July yet. Well, it's July and now I wonder how soon I can start my estrogen patches. 2 weeks at a time...that's how I live my life.

I am back in acupuncture. My first experience with acupuncture was not pleasant. It hurt like a mo-fo and I dreaded going. This time around, it is much easier. I am not sure if it is determination to make this cycle work or if the fact that I am actually seeing a Chinese doctor. She is a very nice, soft spoken lady. I was leery when I saw the shopping center with her office and almost did not walk into it. I mean, I literally turned around and walked back to my car. But, then I remembered that I made an appointment and I get so mad when people make appointments with me but don't show up. So back to her office I went, took a deep breath and walked in. Her office smelled heavenly. We talked for a while then got started. I was very nervous but once she got all the needles in and turned off the lights I began to relax.

Then it hit me. Anger and grief like I never knew before. I felt my eyes burn. OMG! I was going to cry...I mean finally cry over losing my baby. I have been sad, mad, even a little surprised over my miscarriage but never really cried. I would tear up here and there but never let those tears fall. I wanted to scream and hit something. I am so angry. I haven't talked out loud to anyone about this; hell, I find myself comforting people when they ask me about the outcome of my IVF. Why!? Comfort me damn it...I am the one who lost my baby!

I find myself wanting to be alone...just so I can cry. I need to be able to mourn this baby before my FET. More then anything I want to scream. I mean really shout and get this anger out of me. It is eating me up alive.

I am currently suffering from insomnia. Or yeah, and my ulcer is bleeding (or at the very least, it's aggravated). Stressed much anyone? Great.

Home

2009-06-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

Finally!

We (Scott, DSS and I) went to Yellowstone National Park for a little vacation. Aside from the rain and cold, it was nice. Yellowstone is so very beautiful and the Grand Tetons are truly grand.

But it's nice to be home. I was expecting to be recharge and looking forward to my FET after vacation. I think I need a vacation to recover from my vacation!

Once the pictures are published I will post links to them.

Thanks you's and then some

2009-06-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

First of all, I would like to say "thank you." Not just any thank you but a thank you for the bottom of my heart to some of the greatest out there in the blog world. My last post was posted at the start of ICLW. Blogger's from all over read my blog about my sadness and anger of losing my baby. Those comments meant so much to me and I can sincerely feel the support in each comment. To those blogger's who read without commenting and those who left comments "thank you." Your support is greatly appreciated.

Next, I would like to chew on something. See, I was only about 5 weeks along when I began actually miscarrying. But, I knew for a few days before that I would actually miscarry. I know that a non-if'er would think it's crazy that I am full of emotions. But, the way I see it, how can I not be emotional? I spent a full weekend thinking positive thoughts and getting excited that there was actually a little baby growing inside me. Maybe that was wrong, since my numbers were low. Maybe I should have been negative to begin. But I assumed that thinking positive would not hurt. Now that I am actively miscarrying, I feel like I am starting over in the grief process. I wanted to believe that maybe my little emby would beat the odds. I went from being sad and angry knowing that I will lose my baby to being sad and angry that I am actually losing my baby. No, sad and angry are not good words. Bitterly depressed and thoroughly incensed. I am worried about myself and great ability to push people away. I can't do this alone and feel that I should not have to do it alone. But yet, I feel the need to punish myself and push people away while wanting to scream "support me."

I hope this is normal. I can only assume that when a woman miscarries her baby at 5 weeks she is just as justified to feel this way as a woman miscarries at 10 weeks. I am not going to get into the pain Olympics discussion. I just can't even go there right now. I also never expected this miscarriage to be this physically painful. I am going to start the BCP's tonight and will get my calender soon with the FET information and prescriptions necessary. I can only hope that I am healed enough both physically and emotionally (mentally?) in time for FET. Damn time tables.
:(

I just can't believe it

2009-06-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that while I am still pregnant, I am going to miscarry. I hate saying that word. It sucks to know that this baby ~~growing~~ that was growing inside me is no long growing. The words "I am sorry Mrs. Fish stick, but your pregnancy will not progress" changed everything. I am sad, angry, what the hell is this emotion inside me? How can I have gotten so damned attached to this baby? In the span of a weekend, I grew to love my baby and got excited about being baby fish sticks mommy.

Damn it! I am infertile enough to know that bad things happen to they who would be good mommies. But why? Why do these things happen?

I felt so guilty that I got a bfp after my first IVF and there were gals supporting me who were struggling through their 5th and final IVF. There were gals supporting me who knew IVF was out of their reach.

I know that something like 50% of pregnancies end in an early miscarriage and most women going through an early miscarriage never knew they were pregnant to begin. But I knew that I had a little baby inside me. I had early morning sickness (OK, make that all day sickness). I said out loud, "man this would suck if this pregnancy doesn't work after dry heaving over and over." I guess I jinxed myself. :(

So now I am back at square one. Sort of. It sucks to say that I lost this pregnancy. I mean, I did not lose it per say. I am not actively miscarrying yet. No, see, I am still waiting for that part. I am in limbo, I suppose. That makes me even angrier.

I want to force myself to grieve this loss and "get over it." I am just not sure that I can get over it. I guess and I can do is grieve and prepare myself for a future FET.

It's over

2009-06-01T11:35:00.000-07:00

Beta #1 = 56.

Beta #2 = 32.

Clinic expects that I will start bleeding this week. Advised to take a cycle off and can do FET after next cycle. I am sad. No, disappointed. I dreamed this morning that I was miscarrying. I almost did not want to get out of bed. I know something was wrong when my pregnancy symptoms started to go away on Sunday. I had some nausea Thursday, Friday and less on Saturday. By Sunday, I have way less nausea then previously. My boobs stopped hurting too. I guess I should have known.

Drive by blog

2009-05-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

Not ready to share any BIG news yet...but check out my IVF calender on the right hand side of my blog. Or, you can checkout my FF chart...link in also on the right hand side of my blog.

Long story short, I may have a good number, it's not great. Being cautious until I know more.

Stay tuned for further updates.

Thanks for lending support and asking about me. I really appreciate it.

1 day to B-day

2009-05-27T20:06:00.001-07:00

I wish I just knew already. Did this IVF work?

I am strangely at peace, at least right now, if this IVF does not work. I know that I have 3 snow babies and I know that I have already paid for another IVF cycle. Well, another cycle but not another cycle of meds. Those meds cost so dang much too. :(

I know that this IVF might now work. But right now, tonight I feel sad for those girls still trying. I feel guilty that I am here, in the midst of this crazy IVF cycle and there are girls who may never get this opportunity. There are girls who have tried as long and I have and they are just getting the testing done. There are girls who have been trying as long and I have and they are stuck trying clomid or femera. I hate that IVF is so expensive. I hate that the medications for IF cost an arm and a leg. I hate that crack whores and still-living-with-mommy-and-daddy teenagers can get pregnant at the blink of an eye. I hate that it was 3 long years before I even got to the point that I can try IVF.

I guess no matter what, I will have my answer tomorrow. If it's a bfn, well, I will thank the good lord for my 3 snow babies. If it's a bfp, well, I will be happy. I will thank the good lord for my blessing(s). But I will be afraid until I am actually holding my baby (or babies) in my arms.

My ticker

2009-05-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I have to open my blog everyday and look at my ticker. The funny thing is, I need to do this to truly remind myself of is next. What's the next step in the IVF process. I then I get hit with the "oh yeah, there is no 'next step' but waiting." My ticker actually scares me some. I mean, it about a week from today, I will know for sure if IVF worked for me.

My back hurts

2009-05-20T11:10:00.000-07:00

My back hurts...that tell-tale "OMG, AF is on her way" back ache. Honestly I am scared. What if AF shows? What if this is a sign? A sign that IVF won't work for me or that my embies are not good embies? Is this my fate?

I am somewhat at peace if this first IVF does not work. I have 3 frozen embies that I can put back in but what if those embies don't work? What if I have to resort to IVF #2? I understand that statistically, IVF may not work. I know many a wonderful ladies who did IVF cycle after IVF cycle and no luck. I know this happens and it is so horribly painful and unfair.

Blogging about bio-dad

2009-05-18T20:06:00.000-07:00

A couple of weekends ago, my sister had a get together at her house. My sister is my only full-blooded sibling; the rest are either step or half. The reason for the gathering you ask? My bio-dad was driving into town to visit my sisters house. We (Sis and I) planned out a meal and who was cooking/ bringing what. I haven't seen my bio-dad is 13 years. That's right, 13 long years. There was no true reason behind that non-visits. It's just that I wasn't really raised by my bio-dad, rather I was raised by my step-dad.

I have to say, it was a really nice visit! I really do miss my dad and as an adult, I have learned to accept and even appreciate my step-mom. My dad is just like I remembered him to be and it was nice just to sit and talk with him. Granted, we have to take some time now to get to know each other again but I am determined to keep in contact now.

I thought for sure that I would have tons to blog about after this visit. I mean, 13 years is a long time to go without a visit. Hell, we only talk about once a year and our phone calls are fairly short.

In other news, I have no "pregnancy symptoms" and I am not expecting any. My uterus feels...like a uterus? I will not POAS before my beta and can only hope and pray for the best.

ET done

2009-05-15T12:15:00.001-07:00

Today was my embyro transfer. I went to bed last night with the firm plan to transfer back two embies. After getting today's embie report, I decided on putting back 3.

Our embie report was this:

Of the eggs that were ICSI'd, we had 1 6-celled embie with no fragmentation, grade A and 1 6-celled embie with 5% fragmentation, grade A.

Of the eggs that were not ICSI'd, we had 1 6-celled embie with no fragmentation, grade A, 1 5-celled embie with no fragmentation, grade A, one 10-celled embie with no fragmentation (not graded due to too many cells) and one 8-celled embie with dark spots (again, not graded).

As other IVF'ers do, I did name my embies. I stuck with a theme near and dear to my heart. The three embies we put back are now known as Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe and Maurice "The Rocket" Richard. For those non-hockey fans, I named my embies after hockey's greatest players.

Wayne Gretzky is now the coach for the Phoenix Coyotes. Wayne was perhaps one of the best goal scorers in hockey and is often referred to as the "The Great One."

Gordie Howe has a "hat trick" (a goal, a fight and an assist) named for him. He was known "Mr. Hockey" and is 6 decades, 32 pro seasons, 2589 career points, 1,071 goals, 29 all-star appearances, all time regular season scoring champ (NHA & WHA combined) all time game winning goal champ, only athlete in the world to play against players in every decade of the pro league's existence (NHL 1920-s to present).

Last but not least Maurice "The Rocket" Richard. The Rocket was known for being a passionate play with a little bit of a short temper. He also the first to score 500 goals in one season over 50 games and 500 career goals.

I know...I am an obsessed hockey fan!

The embies that we are freezing also got named. Patrick Roy (great and famous net minder), Mark Messier (only professional athlete to captain 2 teams) and Mario Lemieux (the "savior" of the Pittsburgh Penguins).

Now the crazy 2WW begins. Grow embies, grow!

I wonder

2009-05-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

I am sure I am crazy for wondering this but this craziness is either a side effect from the progesterone or a true sign that I fell off the crazy tree. I am wondering what my embies are doing or thinking right now. Thoughts such as "I wonder if mommy will ever eat chocolate again?" or "Hmmm...if I am a girl, will daddy build me a shoe closet?" I wonder if my embies are leaving finger prints on the sides of their petri dishes or tossing and turning waiting to get out and play.

Ok, please don't point out the obvious. I know my embies are made up of but a few cells and aren't actually thinking or talking to each other. I know they don't even have finger prints and the urge to go play outside. But really, I can't help but contemplate what is going on with my little embies.

My embies. How can I be so attached to a little clump of cells that I get sad thinking some of them might not make to a baby? I certainly can't hold them in my arms but the mere thought of letting them go hurts me. I feel selfish is saying that I want all of them to survive and the ones I don't put back, I want to freeze. But I can't justify throwing away my unused embryos. I wish it were tomorrow so I can see my embies and know their status.

Fert Report

2009-05-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

Dr. called today with the fert report.

Out of 8 follies, we go 7 eggs.

Out of 7 eggs, 3 were ICSI'd. Of those 3, two were mature and fertilized.

4 eggs were not ICSI'd. Of those 4, 4 were mature and fertilized.

Looking at a 3 day transfer, we transfer sometime on Friday.

ER done!

2009-05-12T21:35:00.001-07:00

Today was ER day. I slept really good except for I kept dreaming that I got to the office and was told that I already ovulated. Yikes!

I took my Valium at 10 this morning and off we went to the clinic. I got into my gown and situated on the bed. From there, it seemed everything moved really fast. I can recall the doctor starting my IV with saline and he explained the meds that he was going to be giving me. At this point, Scott joined me in the room. I got some meds and was told things will start soon. Before the second set of drugs was put into my IV, the embryologist came into the room to verify my name (where did she come from?) and then more drugs were put into my IV. At this point, I could feel the doctor positioning me but wow! I was feeling pretty darn good. From here, I can recall him telling me what was going on but really did not feel much. I was listening to Black Uhuru on my iPod and feeling the need to close my eyes. Not so much to sleep but to "rest." The doctor then said he was starting the aspiration and the first few my be a little uncomfortable. There was some pain but not overly bad. Scott and I got to watch on the monitor, which was so cool. You could see the needle enter each follie and then the follie would collapse. This part seemed to move very quickly. When all was done, I got another drug in my iv to reverse the affects of the first two drugs.

About 20 minutes after the actual retrieval, I was told we got 7 eggs out of my 8 follies. The doctor was really very pleased. I made the decision at that point to do a partial ICSI.

The nurse kept me at the clinic for a while since I would get dizzy upon sitting up. I was slightly nauseous on the ride home but survived without losing it. I was really in and out this afternoon, alternating between drowsy and wide awake. I got a great nap before dinner.

I am now dealing with crampy, bloated feelings and chugging water like no tomorrow. I am hoping I don't get OHSS. I have had OHSS with an injects/ iui cycle in the past. My lower tummy muscles are super sore right now too.

Tomorrow, we will get the fert report. Until then, I think I will be on pins and needles.

Trigger tonight

2009-05-10T14:46:00.001-07:00

ER is scheduled for Tuesday at 11 a.m. OMG! I am so nervous and excited and scared and happy all at once.

Super Award

2009-05-07T20:53:00.001-07:00

The wonderful Sherry nominated me for this award. I have to mention that I love Sherry's blog and follow it. It's hard not to blog about yourself on your own blog. So when I blog, I try to tell a story...making it interesting to read.

Now, I get the honor of nominating some wonderful blogger's for this super cool award. I am nominating:

Mommy Shoes over at Critter Tales,

Lizzy at Over My Head,

Mrs. Warrior over at Infertility Warrior,

and Barb over at Fertility Challenged in Fl.

I would normally link these wonderful blogs but I don't want to upset anyone trying to keep their blog private.

If the blogger's I nominated don't mind, please comment me and I will link your blog.

My not so favorite day of the year...

2009-05-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

Mother's day. A day to celebrate mothers. Sure, I could slap a smile on my face and celebrate with the mothers in my family. That should make me feel great...really fucking great. I mean, celebrating a holiday for mothers surrounded by women who had no trouble conceiving. Wonderful. Toss in some hormones from IVF and I am sure mothers day will be fan-funking-tastic. Maybe I could sleep in on mothers day...all day. Hiding under the covers won't solve anything I know but I really don't want to be out and about hearing people wishing each other a happy mothers day.

A small part of me was hoping that by mothers day, I would have had ER and ET so at least I can say for a little while that I am a little bit pregnant and a mommy to some embies, even if its just for a little while.

Please God, let this IVF work.

Mid-IVF update

2009-05-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

I went yesterday for my first E2 check for this IVF cycle. I think my theme is slow and steady wins the race. My estrogen is rising slowly but still rather nicely.

I have a couple of bruises from the shots but I can survive it. I am finally starting to feel the bloating and I am aware that my little ovaries are quite awake now.

Will update more when I can.

It's Saturday

2009-05-02T14:16:00.000-07:00

I used to not like Saturdays. My usual Saturdays consisted of cleaning my house from top to bottom. I would do load after load of laundry, walk the dogs a few times, and shop for groceries. All that has changed. I usually sleep in and then have a cup of coffee and some breakfast. I have been going to a my Saturday morning Turbo kick class now that tax season is over too. Most Saturdays, I do clean the bathrooms and some laundry. Since I don't have doggies anymore, I don't have any dogs to walk. I mostly like my Saturdays now. Today is one of those days that I get to cuddle under a blankie on the couch and watch movies.

Yesterday I had my baseline ultrasound. My lining is nice and thin and my ovaries are cyst free. I had 9 antral follies. This has me worried but I am hoping for the best right now. I can't really even blog about this...the emotions are all over the place right now.

Actually, my IVF has me in full blown panic. I know is this not unusual but it doesn't make me feel better.

Random thoughts and groans

2009-04-28T13:47:00.000-07:00

1. Sharks are out of the run for the Stanley cup. Shit!
2. Shit! I can't believe they are out of the run for the Stanley cup.
3. Why does the machine for the muscle on the sides of my legs give me a butt cramp every time I use it?
4. I hate, with the heat of a 1000 suns doing bicycle sit ups in the morning.
5. Why am I so damn thirsty these days.
6. Washing my hands 100 times a day makes them very dry.
7. I am about to fork over my life savings for a procedure that has about a 35 to 45% success rate.
8. Fuck, #7 makes me want cry.
9. Lupron can turn me into a bitch and people still leave finger prints everywhere.
10. My head will have to come off my shoulders and rotate 360 degrees before people get that I hate fingerprints.
11. Yes, my children will wear gloves all the days of their lives...or until they live on their own.
12. Totally kidding about #11...and to a certain extent #10.
13. Some people would think its cool and maybe even be jealous if my head came off my shoulders and rotated 360 degrees.
14. Head on a swivel...very important in hockey.
15. Sharks need to learn all about #14.
16. For the love of pete sakes Sharks...you were the #1 team all season. WTF?!?!
17. I would have cried happy tears if we won the series so I am not changing the name of my blog.
18. OMG...could my blog title really have jinxed the Sharks?
19. I am very behind in my blog commenting...will get back on that ASAP!
20. I want a pair of black ankle boots...but have no clue where to find a pair this time of year. :(

Do you have kids?

2009-04-24T17:35:00.001-07:00

I never realized how much I hated that question until last night. We were at a get together to watch the hockey game. I held a small glass in my hand...a margarita. I nursed it over a few hours and put melted ice in my cup a few times to water it down. I don't feel bad nursing a single drink though. But I knew that if I did not drink, those who knew we are ttc would ask questions. Sometime during the get together a new face asked me that loaded question. I was honest of course and said no but I wanted to explain that I don't have kids yet but I am trying. It really depends on the situation (and sometimes the person) but sometimes I do explain that I am infertile and trying to have a baby by using IVF.

Tomorrow is the start of National Infertility Awareness Week. I have been way more open with my infertility and have tried to dispel certain beliefs about infertility and ART. But I am only one person. Spread the word!

Serious Fish Stick Issues

2009-04-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

I am thisclose to crying over my beloved San Jose Sharks. Step up hockey players and get your butts in gear. Don't lose it in the first round to an 8th seed team. :(

Here it is...

2009-04-23T13:33:00.001-07:00

The obligatory drug shot. I did do a pre-IVF belly shot but since I was getting ready for work, I was only wearing my bathrobe. Yeah...not a picture that should be online. LOL! You can't really tell from the picture, but OMG! You are given a ton of syringes for IVF. Yikes! Tonight, I will take my last bcp. I wanted to type that tonight I will take my last bcp ever, but lets not get ahead of ourselves.

I was so anti-IVF. Not in terms of other people doing IVF but it wasn't for me. I just did not want a doctor playing God for me. But the day that I was told that I have less then 1% chance on conceiving on my own did it for me. No amount of relaxing, drunk sex, vacation sex, make up sex or putting my butt in the air was going to get me pregnant. I am kicking myself for not taking this step any sooner.

Can't win for losing...

2009-04-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

Today, I posted a "house rules" white board. The rules were simple; things such as pee in the toilet not all over the place, no wine glasses in the sink, wipe the stove after you use it, no tools on the counter. You know, the basic clean up after yourself type things. I spent all day cleaning bathrooms and pee off the floor, wiping kitchen counters, cleaning the stainless steel and what not. Needless to say, by the time I really got to sit down, I was tired and sore from my workout yesterday.

I was recently met with the news that our guests* are depressed by my house rules. These rules were aimed at the house and ALL the people living in it. Now, I am not perfect but I will bet my last dollar that it is not me peeing on the floor. But, I digress. This news just got me irritated to say the least. All I am asking for is some common courtesy.

I should add that I am a semi-neat freak. Mess truly stresses me out. I hate having a messy house. And, as we (and by we, I mean IVF'ers) all know, stress and IVF don't mix. IVF is already physically and emotionally stressful. I feel justified in asking my household in helping me lower my stress. I even made a note of this on my house rules board.

So, after thinking about it, I realize that I should give up. If I ask for help, I am given this look like I just asked someone to scrub the toilet with their toothbrush. If I ask for simple tasks like, please put the toilet seat down (another house rule), I am a nag. If I make a list, I make people depressed. I should mention that I RRRREEEEAAAALLLYYY hate the look I get when I ask for help beyond opening a jar or reaching something down for me. I can't win for losing.

*I am not sure how to refer to out house guests since they are more then guests. I view them as members of the house. I have complained to Scott about this before (the whole I wish the guests would help clean up) and he has explained that I should just say something. I have asked but I get met with that look. It's like I just kicked their injured cat or something look. Man, I really hate that look.

Edited: Now everyone is tip-toeing around me. Heaven forbid the moody girl might come up with some more devastating house rules like wipe your feet before you come into the house. GMAB! I still think that I should NOT have had to hold every ones hand and explain my point of view. I feel as if my explaining that all I am asking is to use a little common sense and clean up after your self is insulting to the household members and a big waste of my time. This list was really basic and the only person who took it like a champ (and even got a laugh out of it) was DSS. Even the 14 year old kid understood what I was asking for. I guess ultimately, I will have to apologize for dare suggesting we put some rules in place to keep the house a little but cleaner. :(

A whole new world of IVF

2009-04-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

First of all, my apologies for not blogging; but, tis the tax season.

I am finally (one of the few times I can use that word) starting my IVF. Between February and April 16th, we have given blood, had consultations, a few RHA (lupron challanges), a SHG, an S/A and an injects class. Now, I say "We" since Scott and I have been side by side every single appointment.

A funny conversation occurred during my SHG between Scott, Dr. S and myself. I took a pain pill re-SHG due to the extreme pain my HSG caused me. I had my iPod loaded with Bob Marley tunes to keep me relaxed. Dr. S came into the room and remarked on my iPod. Let me explain that I only had one ear piece in and had the volume very low so I could hear the doctor talk to me. I didn't want to be rude but need Bob singing to me too. Anyways, Dr. S commented and I explained that I was listening to Bob to keep me calm. Dr. S remarked that his household listens to lots of reggae too. Scott and I laughed and I joked that it must be fate that I choose this clinic.

So, my calender has me taking BCP's (which BTW is killing my sex drive) until 4/23/09. I am also giving myself 2 lupron shots a day. That's all for now. Coming soon: AF and baseline ultrasound.

Oh yeah, did I mention we will also be doing a partial ICSI? That means more drugs for me. I did get my obligatory drug shots and a "pre-ivf" belly shot. I will post those soon.

Ah, the fun times!

Quick Update

2009-03-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

In case I never mentioned it before, I do taxes for a living. As a result, my life between February and April 15th is quite busy. Blogging and posting on my usual message boards falls by the wayside. I do keep up on reading blogs and certain message boards but it is usually a drive by read with little to no commenting.

So, here is my quick update. We are starting IVF very soon. It is a crazy, emotional time for me. I promise I will post more and I may even make a cute ticker to or put my schedule on the side bar of my blog to keep track of dates and what not.

I will keep ya'll posted.

No tittle

2009-02-06T13:24:00.000-08:00

I just reread my last blog post. I realized that I sound very selfish in my rant. Scott made a little remark to me this morning that made me realize he read my blog. No biggie, I want him to read my blog. I realized that my rant was all about me and MY feelings towards my infertility.

I have always assumed that Scott did not have feelings toward my infertility. But, we are a couple and while I mean be the one with bad eggs, we are in this together. It is our infertility. I know that he has some feelings, be they good or bad (happy or sad?) about our infertility. But let's face it...Men handle situations like infertility very differently then women. I have heard women say they hope it's them with the problem because they just don't think their man can handle it. What I should acknowledge is that the emotions that I have toward being unable to conceive are different from Scott's. And, he as a man will handle it differently that I will as a woman.

Men are naturally fixers. I think it frustrates our men when they can't fix us. It is also true that men just are big on sharing their feelings. A man who is also an engineer finds it nearly impossible to share their feelings. I joke with Scott that engineers have no feelings. I know they do but they (male engineers) seem to have the most trouble sharing their feelings.

So back to my last post here. I realize that while Scott may not be shedding tears over our inability to have a baby, he does have feelings about OUR infertility. I guess I have assumed that it is me who wants the baby, it is me with the bad eggs so therefore it is me with all the emotions. My goal for now is to not assume that Scott has no feelings towards our infertility and try to accept that he just because he doesn't verbalize them doesn't mean they don't exist. Well that, and to try to maintain a positive attitude that I will pass the next Lupon Challenge Test.

Don't tell me to stop

2009-02-05T14:34:00.000-08:00

To quote Madonna:
"Don't tell me to stop;
Tell the rain not to drop;
Tell the wind not to blow';
Cause you said so, mmm;
Tell the sun not to shine;
Not to get up this time, no, no;
Let it fall by the way;
But don't leave me where I lay down"

I was telling our "house guest"* about my IF troubles and the extreme sadness I am feeling due to failing my Lupron Challenge Test. I know those who have never suffered from infertility think they are being helpful (although some non-if'ers are just assholes) when they say things like don't worry, don't stress, it will happen. I hate being told that if it was meant to be then I wouldn't be having troubles. Anyways, Mr. House Guest told to "get over it." He said that I am probably not meant to have kids. Now, usually this would cause me to say foul words but I am giving this guy a small pass. He is man and can't really empathize with someone who is not his significant other. But I was mad.

I don't have to "get over it" or "stop being sad" about MY infertility. It is MINE and I can be sad about it all I want. I have the right to ask people in MY home to refrain from talking about babies and pregnancy; I have the right to say "NO" to watching movies with titles like "Knocked Up." Don't tell me to stop and "deal with it." I am dealing with it...just not the way you want me to be dealing with it. I don't want your advise...I was some understanding. I want someone to tell me they don't understand my pain per say but they understand this is painful for ME.

DON'T TELL ME TO STOP CRYING ABOUT IT!!! They are MY tears and I can shed them over MY infertility anytime I want to. I admit, I am having trouble knowing there could be an egg maturity issue, egg quality issue or even a diminished ovarian reserve issue. I don't even want to think about donor eggs.

I want to tell people "YOU DEAL WITH IT!" Deal with my sadness, my tears, my endless research and my inability to deal with conversations or movies that are baby related. MY infertility is more important to me then YOUR inability to understand my pain. DEAL WITH IT!

This just pisses me off!

2009-01-30T10:54:00.000-08:00

We have all heard the story of the Octuplets born to a California lady. Most people think that IVF was the cause the high order multiples. Wrong! Huge misnomer. Responsible RE's will not allow a women to put 8 embryos back. This pregnancy was probably due to injectible medications, most likely FHS, and either IUI or just god old fashion sex.

But that's not what pisses me off. This article states this mom already has 6 other kids at home. I have nothing against big families per say but it kills me to read that she now has 14 kids.

To be fair, I know my frustrations/ anger stems from the "donor egg talk" and the "you have scar tissue, high E2 and a low antral follicle count, your chances are on the low side." Shit! It's not supposed to be like this. I was supposed to grow up, get married, have kids, a house with a white picket fence and a dog. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. I am not asking for 14 kids...just 1.

And, even more so, I hate feeling like "why me." I have this anger inside and I am honestly depressed about the shitty cards life has dealt to me. I hate feeling like I need pity. I want to be happy and more importantly, optimistic that IVF can still work for me. Kick in the butt anyone?

I am editing this post to add this tidbits about the octuplet mom:

1) 14 kids2) Mom in her late twenties3) no Boyfriend or Husband4) lives at home with parents5) in a 2bdrm house, More "fun" news here too.

Nice! I am sure my tax dollars are hard at work.

Finally...the old friend post...

2009-01-30T10:41:00.000-08:00

I had this childhood friend. Due to the fact that she has had quite the hard life and has a record, I am going to not use her whole name. "M" and I lived a few houses apart from each other. Our older siblings were friends and our parents were ok with us shuffling back and forth to each others houses. M's dad moved the family when he and his wife separated. While M and I still were friends, M got mixed up with a not so great group. Eventually, to try to get M's life back on track, M's dad moved a few hours away to a new city. For M, that meant a new school. Sadly, the group of friends M flocked to were no better then her friends back in the old city.

Ever hear the saying "be careful of what you wish for...you just might get it?" Well, M got into trouble repeatedly and began seeing a boy a few years older the her. At the tender age of 12, M got grounded after her dad caught her and the boy doing things they shouldn't have been doing. M told her boyfriend that she wished her dad was dead. I am stopping the story here to protect M. M is not a bad person, she just got dragged into a bad situation.

At this point in time, M and I completely lost contact. There was never a day in my life that I didn't think about her. I always remembered to keep M and her family in my thoughts and prayers. I spent years trying to find her on Myspace and Facebook. Finally, it hit me that if M ever got married, she would have changed her last name. But M's older brother wouldn't have changed his last name. I googled M's older brother and found him. I sent his a generic message giving enough details so he wouldn't think I was some psycho spammer. Sure enough, he remembered me...and put me into contact with M.

Yeah! M and I reverted back to our childhood days and spent our first phone call in tears, laughing and catching up. Over 2 hours later, we promised to keep in touch with each other...and we have!

M got a bad deal out of life but she is such a strong woman. She is a mother, the taxi cab for her kids, the classroom mom, well, the whole nine. She has cared for her mother during her chemo treatments. She is married to a man who loves and respects her. I couldn't be more happy for M. See, I needed to blog about this to share my joy of finding M. Oh yeah, and to thank the techno gods for Google.

In limbo

2009-01-29T21:09:00.000-08:00

Today we met with the RE. I am going to make this short for two reasons. Reason #1 is that my nails are wet. Reason #2 is due to the fact that until I get the results from my reproductive hormone assay, I can not determine if there is cause for worry (or should I say more cause for worry). I had my uterus measured and got an antral follicle count. Bad news: I have a very low AFC. Add that to my high E2 and it looks like egg quality is the issue. I have been holding back tears for most of the day. It has been hard. Top that off with the news that I am making our current house guests uncomfortable (apparently, I can't have PMS or people feel unwanted here) and the news that we will have additional house guests and I am ready to explode. Add in the fact that this additional house guest is a guest who is noisy (and misses the toilet every time he pees) and I just don't think I can handle life stress and tax season stress.

Sigh! This was not what I wanted to blog about. I am so damned anxious (excitied?) to blog about reconnecting with my childhood friend.

Bad blogger

2009-01-25T20:19:00.000-08:00

I have been a bad blogger. I haven't been reading or commenting on blogs. I promised a blog on reconnecting with old friends and I will...soon.

Tax season is about to start and I am somewhat frustrated with all the "great" changes that will be going on it our office. People think that change can be good but sometimes it's not the case. I would give more examples or details but talking about it just annoys me. Add this to the stress of saving every single penny so that I can start my IVF feeling good about paying for it and it just amounts to a huge case of heart burn. I am really looking forward to starting IVF. I have almost made peace with the fact that sex alone will not get me pregnant. Of course, I would not be sad if we were to conceive now. I find myself "relaxed" about ttcing. I know that I could do all those newbie ttc tricks (elevate my butt, use pre-seed) and it just won't work. So now I just don't care. Sure, every now and then I will pop open some pre-seed. I won't lie and say that I never think to myself thoughts such as "this could be it."But now, I say "this could be it"...and bust out laughing. I don't think of my pre-AF cramps as anything but pre-AF cramps.

Speaking of pre-AF cramps, they are killing me right now. I was expecting AF today (on my birthday of all days) and am happy she is not here yet. Now, a hugely wonderful birthday present would be a BFP. I have made that birthday wish year after year. This year, I faced reality. I can still have a great day despite AF.

Now I am preparing myself for a better diet in preparation for IVF. I am going back to counting calories and eating less "white" carbs. Oh yeah, and preparing myself, at least mentally, for my the tax season.

New laptop

2009-01-13T22:47:00.003-08:00

It's here! I got my new laptop tonight and now I am setting it up. I promise a blog soon. :)

Small Rant

2009-01-12T19:27:00.001-08:00

I love my life...I really do. But, to say I have no complaints would be a lie. Of course a small reason why don't complain is because I just live here. Here, meaning Scott's house. I don't contribute beyond keeping some of the house clean, some cooking and some grocery shopping. I don't pay rent (or the mortgage) or any bills. So I know that I should just thank my lucky stars that I have someone who loves me enough to let me live with him and be his ~~leach~~ kept women.

But I am really tired of people staying here. I know that it could be so much worse but I am tired of it. I am tired of constantly cleaning yucky men toilets. I am tired of just cleaning up after people since most people just don't live up to my standards of clean. I am tired of feeling like I always have to be on my best behavior and in entertain mode. The coming, the going, the perpetual sheet changing, towel washing, finger print wiping is wearing me out. And then there is the noise...the constant loudness. I know some of it is me...I love silence. I love silence or even quiet back ground noise when I come home from work. I love complete silence when I sleep. First thing in the morning is not the time of day to assault my poor ears with your loudness. I am tired of having to plan dinner around some one elses work. I am tired of the constant going out, this party, that music listening event, so on and so forth. More importantly, I am tired of having nothing in common with the people who come and go and come and go.

Normally I am not so passive aggressive but what choice, other then moving, do I have? It's not my house. I don't want to leave (and when I say leave, I do NOT mean sever the relationship) but I do want some alone time. I want family time that does not include extended family. I want one on one time without wondering when someone will be walking into the front door. I can't sleep without Scott by side.

I am a middle child and I am very used to being alone. I love having my space and don't feel like sharing. But I do hate being informed that Soandso is coming into town and while Soandso is here, we will go out to dinner this day, this party that night and what not. Don't I get a say? I don't want to go out to dinner and invite this group of people. It's the middle of the week of the love of Pete's sake...can't we just go eat and call it a night? I am tired of the constant being on top of my toes and visiting and laughing and listening to conversations that I don't understand. I am too young to for this. I don't listen to the same music, watch the same shows or read the same stuff.

Did I mention that I am tired? I AM TIRED! I want to get to bed at a decent hour. I want to get a full nights sleep. I want to do the thing that adults do in bed together and not have to worry about the noise factor. I want to wake up refreshed so that when I go work out I can keep up with my plan. I think I am actually going backwards in my tone up, trim down plan. Boy...this paragraph included some TMI!

Ok, this is my rant and I am sticking with it. I don't have a quick fix for my at home passive aggressive self and I don't think there is one. I suppose a quick answer (solution?) would be then leave (as in move). One of the things that makes Scott and I work so well is that I really do rely on him to be the planner, the take charge and take care of me kind of guy. I do want to live here with Scott and I don't want to leave (or move). I guess I need to find my voice and speak up. I know that Scott would understand...I think?

Next blog...the reconnecting of two childhood friends. Stay tuned.

C'mon 2009

2008-12-31T23:16:00.000-08:00

2009 has got to be better then 2008. I mean, 2008 wasn't that bad...except its another year down and no baby. But, all in all, 2008 saw me make some changes for the better to my life. I got back into working out and I am eating so much healthier. At the very of end of '08, I reconnected with some childhood friends. I took a stand against my family and verbalized that I am removing myself from the family drama. The co-worker and I got along better and have been able to really work together. Scott and I (and DSS) traveled and saw so many wonderful places.

But for 2009, I want to be ready to start my IVF. I can not wait. I need this to fall into place. I need my IVF to work. I am so looking forward to being a mom. I am so looking forward to getting pregnant in 2009.

I hope that my fellow IF'ers and I will achieve a healthy pregnancy and become mommies in 2009. It has got to be a better year.

Snarky post, Part 2

2008-12-29T18:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, after rereading my "snarky" post today, I realize it wasn't as snarky as I thought it was. After all, I was in a pissy mood when I wrote. See, I have blogged about assvise and the people who love to give it before, so I felt pretty damned irritated when I wrote this blog. I got one of those Christmas questions emails that get passed around. One of the questions was "what do you want for Christmas?" I answered honestly with "a baby." I hit the reply all button and off the email was sent. Well, a former co-worker, who I haven't had contact with for years, was on that list. Obviously, she was surprised that I am no longer with my ex. She also noticed that I am now in a new relationship and wanting a baby with Scott. She responds with "just relax and don't try so hard...it will happen. Besides you're not even married so maybe it won't happen until you get married. "Any-who,"* good luck with the baby thing. Try taking a vacation, it always worked for me. My wonderful daughter and her hubby are going to start trying soon...maybe you can give each other some tips. Also, try not think too much about it, enjoy being child free since kids change your life so much, and it will all happen according to God's plan."

Now, I pretty much copied and pasted her email to me here...took out some names and added an asterisk. She always said "any-who" and would add about five seconds of oouuuuuuu onto it when she talked. It would sound like eennnyyywhouuuuuu. Annoyed the shit out me!

I choose not to respond to her email. I was going to send her a link to resolve.com or something like that but realized she truly believes what she is saying. So blogged instead.

2 things

2008-12-29T10:43:00.000-08:00

Why do people say you have a frog in your throat when you are horse?

The snark post will be edited (hey, I gotta at least check for typo's) and published sometime today. Not that I am in a snarky mood...yet.

No tittle

2008-12-27T19:45:00.000-08:00

I just wrote and published a long post on the assvise people give to ttcers. After I read it however, I realized two things. First is that I have blogged about this before. I can't control what people are going to say but I can control my reaction. Second, I realized this post was super snarky and down right rude. Well, I blame that on PMS and the fact that I am hungry...and sick too. Wonderful! So for now, I am removing the snarky, assvise post but will save it. How knows, maybe one day I will want to post something snarky just because I can..and I will post it.

Are you filled with suspense now?

Don't try so hard - the snarky post

2008-12-27T18:56:00.000-08:00

nothing will happen. I got a "just relax and don't try so hard..you'll get pregnant if you stop thinking/ obsessing about it" from someone.

So, I decided to break this little comment down. Let's start with "just relax." Believe it or not, I am relaxed. I get massages when the tension gets to be too much. I will treat myself to a little retail therapy if my bank account says it is ok to and if all else fails, I hide and indulge in a good cry. It is hard to explain to people why this comment stings so much...as if people look at me and think my panties are in perpetual bunch when it comes to ttcing. For the record, I try not to wear panties if I can get away with it so no my panties are not in a bunch, thank you very much! To imply that I am doing something wrong and that I am so tensed up is ludicrous. Sure, as a human living in the real world, I have stress in my life. Sure, after trying for so long, I am stressed that it will never happen. But, that is human. Any person (woman?) who has been having rather regular and unprotected intercourse with her mate/ partner/ husband/ boyfriend/ insert your own damn title would wonder WTF! And that would probably cause that person to stress. Tis a simple fact of life and don't tell me that you would not be slightly stressed if you were in my shoes.

Now onto the "don't try so hard." I can't help but wonder if I am suppose to lay like a cold fish during sex? Or if we are not supposed have sex, because well, its the sex that most people assume cause a pregnancy. Maybe, I am supposed to avoid the big O? Really, this statement is crazy since I am not sure what I am supposed to do or not do to avoid "trying so hard." Can someone enlighten me?

Finally, "you'll get pregnant if you stop thinking/ obsessing so much." This is actually my favorite. Honestly people, I do taxes for a living. Do you think I spend every moment of every day thinking about getting pregnant. That would make for a poorly prepared tax return...don't you think? When I am working out, I am actually focused on my workout. I could give you example after example like this. Of course, if I stop thinking about ttc and getting pregnant, then I am thinking too negatively and that's bad too. So where is that fine line? If I think about it, then I am over thinking ttc and if I don't then I am think too negative. And all that negative thinking is also causing me to not get pregnant. As a result, I am unsure of how time I am supposed to think about ttc before I cross that "thinking/ obsessed so much" line and how little I am supposed to think before I get to the "thinking negative" line. And since this line is invisible, I think I am screwed in the whole thinking arena.

If you stop and think about it, assvise from "just relax" to "you're obsessed" do more then just sting. I think for me, it makes me feel like some kind psychotic failure. I can relax...but not be too relaxed. I can't figure out how to not "try so hard" and maybe that's my problem (oh, if you could see my eyes roll) and figure out how much to think or not not to think.

Other things I don't want to hear: "pray"; "it's God's plan"; "why don't you just adopt?"; and another personal favorite of mine "maybe its not happening because your not married." Uh, thanks. Now who's thinking too much about it and being negative? I have prayed, begged and pleaded with God..trust me on this. I am sure that is God's plan for me to have babies...that's why I was born a female. I don't want to adopt and I don't have to explain why to anyone. As for the whole married part, well, lets just say there are a lot of unwed crack whores popping out babies so I am not buying that dumb ass assvise one bit.